Your “Maybe Check The Label Next Time” Thursday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

  • Frank Gore wants to play a 16th season.  
    • He is currently a free agent, and likely wouldn’t be signed until closer to the regular season, to serve as a complimentary back rather than a primary rusher.
      • Honestly, he’d be great shoring up the fragile starters in the Seahawks backfield.
    • Gore sits at third all-time in NFL rushing yards with 15,347, passing Barry Sanders during the 2019 season.
      • Sweetness is second with 16,726 yards, and Emmitt is atop the pyramid with 18,355.
  • In the run-up to free agency, an actual trade!
    • Some team from the LA suburbs named the “Chargers” are sending OT Russell Okung to the Panthers in exchange for guard Trai Turner.
    • The trade makes sense for both sides, from a cap standpoint:
      • The Panthers dump a future expensive second contract, and get a player in return they can use to bridge to next year’s draft.
      • The “Chargers” get a foundation piece for the offensive line, to protect whomever they sign as QB.
        • At present, Tyrod Taylor.
  • A new detail in the proposed CBA is that all suspensions for violating the substances abuse policy via positive test will be replaced with fines.
    • According to Florio, there are now only two stages.
      • Players in stage one of the program who test positive face no penalty at all, other than being advanced to stage two.
      • In stage two, positive tests result only in fines.
        • For the first violation, the player loses one half of a game check. For the second violation, he loses a week’s pay. For the third violation, it’s two weeks’ salary.
        • For the fourth and all subsequent violations, it’s a three-game fine.
      • Stage three has been removed from the CBA.
      • Suspensions under the new CBA arise only from a failure to cooperate with testing or clinical care while in stage two.
        • And only happens after a fourth violation resulting from that failure to cooperate, resulting in a three-game suspension.
        • To get to the one-year ban, you have to get to seven violations.
Challenge accepted!

Stealing from Crimebeat!

It’s the rare circumstance where I devote a whole section to something like this, especially outside my general fields of expertise. But I do teach Law 12, have written the LSATs, and have access to a number of lawyers if I get stuck. But since it doesn’t involve an NFL player (yet!) I figured I’d set it aside in its own separate column.

So, in what might be the first of its kind, the defense of “automatism” was successfully used to get a kid high on mushrooms out of trouble for assault. Matthew Brown, a “former Calgary (Mount Royal) University student who broke into a professor’s home while naked and high on magic mushrooms, beating her badly with a broom handle”, was acquitted by a judge because he was so intoxicated that he had lost voluntary control over his own actions.

Plus, he looks line an ‘affluenza’ victim.

Prior to the assault, he had been drinking and, encouraged by friends, consumed up to 2.5 grams of “magic mushrooms”. He later ran naked out of his apartment & broke into the home of his victim, a prof at the same university he was attending, beating her with a broom handle until she was able to escape & lock herself in a bathroom. Despite having broken hands from trying to defend herself, she was able to then get away to a neighbour’s & have them call police.

Defensive wounds on a 44 year-old woman.

When police arrived, they found Brown had broken into a second home and arrested him there.

At the November trial, both Crown and defence accepted the results of a forensic toxicologist who claimed that the combination of drugs and alcohol had induced a state of delirium in Brown. The Crown, however, was pushing for a guilty verdict because they did not want to establish a precedent for the automatism defence. However, the judge sided with the defence assertion that Brown had lost all control of his voluntary reactions and was acting so out of character that the intoxication & hallucinations had taken control of his motor functions. So, not guilty by reason of “extreme intoxication akin to non-insane automatism”.

There’s been no word on any civil litigation. Crown prosecutor Matt Block said an appeal will be considered, especially on the pretrial decision. The professor has been able to return to work, although she has “a permanent disability in her right hand with stiffness, reduced movement and reduced strength.” I simply present this to you as a point of discussion away from politics & sports, and a reminder to litre_cola that this guy might show up in your bar, so be careful.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Hurricanes at Flyers – 7:00PM | NBCSN
    • Bruins at Panthers – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • NBA:
    • Clippers at Rockets – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN4
    • Raptors at Warriors – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN
      • Watch to see if Raptors GM Masai Ujiri is arrested for last year’s shove.
  • NCAA:
    • Nebraska at Michigan – 6:30PM | FS1
    • Illinois at Ohio State – 7:00PM | ESPN
    • Wichita State at Memphis – 9:00PM | ESPN
    • Washington at Arizona State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
    • Washington State at Arizona – 10:30PM | FS1

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees were named today. They are Depeche Mode, The Doobie Brothers, Whitney Houston, Nine Inch Nails, The Notorious B.I.G. and T-Rex. Please feel free to argue their merits in the comments, but if you can’t agree that this is a good song,

then you should head back to the rotting carcass of Deadspin.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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ALXMAC
BC Dick

Goddamn Whitney Houston. Yes again.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
WCS

After three warnings, I told LIl’ WCS to start cleaning up the mess she made, before bed, or no popcorn and chocolate milk (which is our bedtime treat). She responded by throwing the empty bottle at me, and shouting, “I don’t do that, you do!” I slapped her. I don’t think I lost my cool; that’s just straight up disrespectful.

Am I wrong?

ALXMAC

Sorry to say but yes; I don’t know the “correct” way to handle it, but that’s part of being a parent.

ALXMAC

(i.e. you should always take the high road)

Mr. Ayo

Yeah, don’t hit your kids.

WCS

Understood. It was an immediate response, like scratching an itch, or, grabbing a bee sting. I’m shitting on myself for doing this.

Also, this is a first. This has never happened before. You have my word.

ALXMAC

Yer not alone; everyone that’s raised a child questions if they are “doing it right”

BC Dick

Kid will be fine. Humans do things we regret sometimes. It’s the body of work not the best or worst I think.

Don T

No. You were not wrong.

BC Dick

And that too. Your job is teaching a totally unqualified being to be a respectful ape among millions of apes. Throwing shit and disrespect is not a trait to accept.

ALXMAC
Horatio Cornblower

Coaches calling timeouts down 8 with less than 30 seconds to go should be hunted for sport.

King Hippo

Is UConn good again yet?

Horatio Cornblower

18-12, just beat Houston for 4th straight. Likely NIT. They won’t make the big dance unless they win the tournament.

But with Hurley, and a return to the Big East (thank god) they’re going to get really good, really fast.

At least until we all get killed by some weird virus.

King Hippo

oooooh, maybe we can has Hippo/Horatio NIT Derby!!

Horatio Cornblower

I remember NC State coming to Storrs while I was there. Had a mixed race back court duo that I’m pretty sure beat our asses.

King Hippo

Fire (Chris Corchiani) and Ice (Rodney Monroe)? I think y’all came to Raleigh in 1991-92 (my freshman year) and returned the favour.

Horatio Cornblower

That was them. UConn was so damn good and so much fun to watch back then.

Later, of course, they got in a bunch of trouble and we found out why they were that good, but that’s another story.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m sorry for jerking you guys around with my silly jokes. I was kidding this whole time it’s actually 0.814%.

King Hippo

ah still think the Treasury would be MOAR trouble than its worth I mean do you really wanna take it outside 2 poop at 4am smgdh

Horatio Cornblower

An XFL stadium employee tested positive for coronavirus, so Vince McMahon can finally celebrate the XFL going viral.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I haven’t been around much lately, but…banner?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Banner

Senor Weaselo

I concur.

ALXMAC

4thed.

yeah right

Banner this glorious bastard!

Horatio Cornblower

“When I played there was no such thing as turf toe”, said the guy walking with a limp so bad he looks like he’s on a whaling ship.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching an NFL show on Mike Ditka and man, he’s just an unbelievable asshole.

Senor Weaselo

Holy fuck. Memphis’s court.

SonOfSpam

Is it the MLK version with a chalk outline and bloodstains?

Senor Weaselo

That would somehow be less jarring to the eyes.

Unsurprised

Beyond the principles that inevitably someone would just say “Fuck it” and emulate Lyle Alzado, what is the value of the NFLPA agreeing to any substance use policy when it only ever seems to nail people for marijuana?

Unsurprised

Make the owners, coaches, and front office staff subject to any substance policy.

I wonder if I would be a shark of a negotiator for them or more clueless than Trent Green in his own backyard.

SonOfSpam

I think it has something to do with synergy or possibly shifting a paradigm.

Senor Weaselo
Redshirt

This latest episode of Star Trek: Picard is hitting so many emotional buttons, its like I visited my parents.

Overall the series is Star Trek Fan Fiction Continuity Porn. Its more cerebral and less actiony. If you’re a Star Trek fan, its a must watch. If you have CBS All Access, you should check it out. If you can find it via unsavory means, you should check it out.

As for spoilers for existing character’s fate as of Episode 7:

Spoiler

Picard: Dying (has few years to live)
Seven of Nine: Alive
Icheb: Death by Vivisection for Borg Parts showed in flashback (died in Seven’s arms)
Data: Still dead
B-4: Still dead, B-4 upgrade to Data in ST: Online didn’t happen
Riker & Troi: Alive, 1st child dead, 2nd child alive
Hugh: Alive and Unassimilated for a few episodes. Then killed.

Unsurprised

Spoiler

Hugh the Borg?

Redshirt

Yeah. The very same.

The bus came back, ran a few routes and then crashed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am sorry folks, I know I said 0.836, but was I really meant was 0.832.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh did I say 0.832 what the hell is wrong with me I must have dementia I meant 0.828.

King Hippo

can DFO buys teh Treasury now??

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We can if we want a 0.828% annual interest rate.

Senor Weaselo

Is that percent?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yest but it’s 0.826% now.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m just kidding it’s 0.824.

SonOfSpam

WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT MY BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL???

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But seriously you must have some idea what all this means. Please explain it to me because I get the sense that some serious shit is going down.

SonOfSpam

Short answer: Fed gonna cut rates again in two weeks
Longer answer: This virus thing is gonna be really really really bad for the worldwide economy, much worse than any world leaders are admitting right now.

Senor Weaselo

Your BAC is going down? That doesn’t seem right.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No, no, it’s a good thing.” – the paramedics

Gratliff

Barry Melrose is 100% transforming into Don Cherry

Senor Weaselo

Well someone has to be!

Gratliff

As I was saying, Rags are trash. Back to the trash heap with you.

Gratliff

Ladies and gentlemen, your (tied for) first place Philadelphia Flyera

Sharkbait

I’ll take it since you beat Carolina.

Horatio Cornblower

Evergreen

King Hippo

Y’all’s regular season ice fitbaw rooting interests is WAY MOAR complex than Hippo-ese

Senor Weaselo

Call me Scotty Thomas because I just yelled “MIKA!” at the top of my lungs.
/Yeah, that’s a Eurotrip reference that isn’t “Scotty Doesn’t Know”

King Hippo

/has NEVAR seen Eurotrip

Unsurprised

comment image

SonOfSpam

(stares angrily)

– J. Scarborough

Gratliff

Woooooo

Sharkbait

FIVE!!!!

Sharkbait

God damnit Ovi

Gratliff

Son of a fuck

Senor Weaselo

MIKA! GodDAMN.

Sharkbait

Can I have #5 for Zibanejad?

Gratliff

GO THE RANGERS WHOM I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN

litre_cola

The story behind naked guy was interesting. Normally life of thebparty he went real quiet then suddenly he was at the front door of the party naked.

litre_cola

Kids in the Hall are back. 30 out of 30 Helens like this.

King Hippo

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!

Gratliff

Does this mean Dave’s allowed back in Canada now?

King Hippo

How can there be a Canadia without Dave Foley?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nvzEqsZIGo

litre_cola

Being filmed in LA.

Gratliff

Goddamn mother fucking worthless rangers

BC Dick

Of course. It’ll be terrible. Those Young, hungry, coke fuelled twenty or whatever year olds are not coming back. We’re getting dads with kids in LA private schools who are very interested in the network notes if they can pay for their kids university with this One Last Big Gig.

BC Dick

I’ve got no clue if they live in LA, have kids, have a network or were and/or are coke fuelled. But it’ll still be terrible. Just like all these crass resurrections.

Gratliff

Wooo Rangers!

Gratliff

Few things as satisfying as a goal off a stolen puck right as a defender brings it out from behind the net

Gratliff

Except for immediately scoring again. Flyers now own the Whalers trademark. Those are the rules.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t know if anyone here knows the significance of this (I don’t, really) but the 10y treasury bond yield is at 0.849.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Never mind now it’s at 0.845.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, sorry, 0.840.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Whoops, 0.839.

Gratliff

This seems not great

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s certainly historical.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh did I say 0.839 sorry I meant 0.836.

WCS

CHINESE HOAX EVERYTHING IS FINE FOLKS BELIEVE ME

herodotus450

comment image

Gratliff

Let’s go, Rags!

BC Dick

2.5 grams? That’s child’s play. What are the courts coming to these days.

King Hippo

I guess the challenge for every Canadian is to get their BAC high enough to be DUI-immune

King Hippo

Without question, the best thing about 2020 will be the return of Shirtless Diamond Joe to the pages of The Onion.

LemonJello

/A Firebird Trans Am revs in the distance

Porky Prime

So wait, the substance abuse penalty can be up to three games of pay with no suspension? So the offending player plays, but for free? How terrrrrible for the owwwwners.

Gratliff

Holy shit that Raffl goal. Thought this would be a letdown game after last night, but they look like they’re starting to believe.

Gratliff

Only a month or so left before I can focus 100% of my vitriol on the GOP and the ghouls that vote for it. Just could never really get fully into spring training.

SonOfSpam

Always good to get some practice hate in.

King Hippo

Grat – any thoughts on Gov. Whitmer as VP material? Your LG seems like a cool guy, not like MI would be left in bad hands.

Gratliff

She’s been governor for like 5 seconds and we’re a long way from being out of Snyder’s shadow. Premature isn’t even the word. Plus most people don’t know who the fuck she is. She’s only ever been a Michigan politician. Feels Tim Kaine-ish. Whoever it is needs to be a household name connecting both factions of the party, regardless of who gets the nomination.

King Hippo

She at least has WAY more personality than Kaine. I’d really prefer AG Nessel, because she would so ruin Father Pence in the debate…

SonOfSpam

ONE to NIL OUR BITCHES LEAD THE LIMEY BITCHES!

GO OUR BITCHES!

King Hippo

Bitches got TWO amirite??

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Yeah, people have tried that dodge down here. Essentially, if you voluntarily got intoxicated you’re considered responsible for the results. Unless there’s a premeditation element

BaldingSpiritually

Speaking of T Rex, here’s a cool story of how Bowie took care of Bolan’s family after his passing.

https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/how-bowie-saved-marc-bolans-son/

Finally if you haven’t heard it, check out Placebo’s cover of 20th Century Boy

scotchnaut

I’ll be honest-Placebo’s version had no effect on me.

SonOfSpam

Heh.

Porky Prime

I liked it, until I was told who it was.

SonOfSpam

Also heh.

herodotus450

Edmonton-Chicago, a matchup that desperately needs a one-sided time machine

Redshirt

I was close. I really was. After watching and continue to watch my mother get screwed over by the health care system harder than any Kink Gangbang video I’ve allegedly seen while at the same time all her Republican Facebook Friends could only give well wishes in between posting tributes to Trump, I was this close to crossing over and becoming a Democrat. But then Pelosi had to say this…

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2020/03/05/nancy-pelosi-elizabeth-warrens-exit-reflects-bias-against-women/4965870002/

Democrats always pull this. Just because the black guy, the homosexual guy and the women didn’t win doesn’t make everyone who voted for them partially racist, homophobic or misogynistic. It just means they didn’t like them, their views and ideas, or maybe they liked the other guy better. Just because I was thinking of voting for Biden or Sanders in two weeks doesn’t make me partially an anti-Semite. It just means I want pragmatic solutions instead of Socialistic nonsense.

I was so close but she had to give this swill, now my dormant Conservative genes are flaring up again.

No… No….. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

(Conservative Personality re-asserts itself)

This is why Trump won! Because the Democratic assholes that you guys worship don’t know how to win!!! Shit, now I got to start back over and somehow be done before November 3rd.

(walks off muttering how the $15 Minimum Wage and Minimum Incoming Limits are logical fallacies that will never work in reality)

scotchnaut

TL:DR Redshirt tries desperately to convince himself to vote for his best interests despite all the mediabuzz trying to convince him otherwise.

Redshirt

Living in Ohio, that’s the truthest truth you’ve ever truthed.

ballsofsteelandfury

So why don’t you become an Independent and vote for whoever you want?

herodotus450

comment image?itemid=12831497

Redshirt

“Update from Ohio, results are too close to call for the winner, but one voter from Southwest Ohio voted in Batman and the 12th Doctor as President and Vice President.”

Gratliff

I understand your decision. After all, this is definitely worse than 99% of what the Republican Party has done under this administration. I hope we can be less SJWish next time so you can be swayed away from voting for the death cult obsessed with stepping on the throats of the impoverished and marginalized.

Redshirt

We can only hope.

Porky Prime

I see it like this: The Democratic Party came out and declared 4 years ago that they considered Hillary Clinton the most qualified female Presidental candidate in the history of the Party. Elizabeth Warren existed then. If Hillary was considered to be more qualified 4 years ago, Elizabeth Warren is probably still considered less qualified now. Why bother throwing Dr. Shasta at Trump when Dr. Pepper didn’t work?

SonOfSpam

So is Bernie Mr. Pibb, or is that Mayor Pete (since his prep school nickname was Bubbles)?

Porky Prime

Bernie is Tonic Water, extra quinine.

SonOfSpam

Bloomberg is Grey Goose, which is more expensive but really no better than Smirnoff.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Joe Biden is Moxie!
comment image

Unsurprised

Even in the face of pandemic the Democratic Party is trying to boost a candidate who doesn’t want universal health care and frankly you gotta respect that kind of braindead frantic grasping for the status quo

— Your Dad (@InternetHippo) March 4, 2020

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck off if you don’t think sexism played a major role in Warren’s campaign turning out the way it did.

Gumbygirl

Thank you

scotchnaut

Marc Bolan fascinates me. He has a number of songs that are barely 2 minutes long and others that are 4+ minutes. This here is “Ride A White Swan”.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skjvDLpeh4c

scotchnaut

This is “Hot Love”, which is 4+ minutes.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGx7nrjn0ic

herodotus450

4 minutes sounds about right.

SonOfSpam

Not if it’s “Hot Love” – I’m gonna wanna keep that under a minute.
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scotchnaut

“Wrong!”

-herodotus450’s girlfriend

ballsofsteelandfury
SonOfSpam

Looks like the “automatism” defensce will come in handy for the impending zombie apocalypse.

ALL THE BRAINS U CAN EAT WITH NONE OF THE CONSEQUENCES!!!