As we discussed last week, I will be doing weekly recaps as in previous years. I do realize this is an Open Thread and we don’t want to turn this into a novel, so I’ll give you the vital information in a new condensed format for easy reading and less scrolling. I will hopefully maintain the same snark and 12-year old humour you’ve come to expect from me and this endeavour.

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What Happened?

They start the episode with the standard “Previously On” which I guess is important for people that missed an episode, but it’s just annoying since I can’t fast forward because I don’t know when that segment ends and the real episode begins.

There was a party at each villa but they were kinda subdued as it’s more of a getting-to-know you mixer type of situation. They might as well have had stickers with their names on them on their bare skin. The next day there was Date Selection, which is extremely awkward since the new tradition is to select the first date in front of the significant other.

There was another party that night where there is a ton of drinking but the only people making out were the Single Girls. The dates happened the following day with all the coupled guys going out on a boat with their dates. The coupled girls went ziplining and talked to their dates. A lot.

Finally, we had the First Bonfire! Well, at least a part of it. We only got to see two coupled girls watch their videos.

I have a theory that this season was so affected by COVID that they had to cut down the number of activities/dates. To make up for it, I think they’re going to stretch out these episodes. We’ll see if I’m correct.

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Was there anything juicy or were there funny moments?

Let’s take them chronologically:

• The title of the episode is “He’s Been a Bad Boy” and the very first words heard are “Nothing bad’s gonna happen” and they’ve been showing preview videos all week that look to be from the final bonfire intimating that someone cheated. HOWEVAH, I am declaring this to be a big RED HERRING. Col. Mustard did not stick Ms. Greene with his lead pipe.
• Have I mentioned to you that I can’t stand the scenes where the coupled girls talk about their feelings?
• Meanwhile, the coupled boys are partying and one of the Single Girls says “Sorry Mom!” and I’m pretty sure she’s not sorry.
• Oh shit Kendal just did the splits in long pants!
• Julian likes to dance and wear shoes with no socks.
• All the Single Girls tell Thomas that Chelsea’s problem with him is her problem and not his because she was cheated on before. They’re right.
• I think I like Shaquille. He has some funny reactions.
• Single Evan: “She’s a bitch.” Other Single: “Who?” Evan: “Christina. Whatever her name is.”
• He’s not wrong. She’s a see you next tuesday.
• One of the Single Girls wants to have sex with the eggs that Julian is making and I can’t believe Sofia didn’t jump in with the obvious Huevos joke.
• Alexcys to Kendal: “I want someone to break down my [sugar] walls.”

• Don’t mind me, I’m just filling in that gap like Kendal will be pretty soon.
• Alexcys cheated on her previous boyfriend and what ever happened to Unsurprised?
• At Date Selection, Thomas says hi to Chelsea while Kendall pretends Erica is not there. That’s cold, bro.
• Julian picks Amanda Bottle Service. Corey picks Nicole and Erin thinks she’s cute. Kendal picks Alexcys and shows he gives no fucks as he HOLDS HER HAND in front of Erica! Tom (previously Thomas but the boys call him Tom, so I’m going with it) picks Lauren and Chelsea warns her in the Confessional that he may lead her on and wow she’s another see you next tuesday.
• Kristen picks Jessie Man-Bun. Chelsea picks Dr. Blake. Erica picks Lex, who came back from Cancún just in time for filming. Finally, Erin picks ex-professional soccer player Griffin.
• Corey cries. A LOT. Like someone kicked him the balls repeatedly.
• Wait! Chelsea has an ass! She has tits. She has ass. She has beautiful eyes. Why is her personality so fucked up???

• Erin likes wet balls.
• Devils and Angels party is a great idea. Coupled boys, of course, must go topless.
• “He’s at attention again! Damn!”
• And there’s the line that gave us the episode title! Winner is whoever picked Alexcys.
• Kendal gives Alexcys a lap dance and we should be in Puerto Rico cause we’re gonna need some paper towels here.
• The Devils and Angels party breaks up when one of the Single Girls gets all upset at Tom for saying he wants to leave the island with his girlfriend. WTF?
• Kendal is not good at swimming and takes a life-preserver and a boogie board onto the ocean. He then smartens up and uses Alexcys as a flotation device.
• At bonfire, Chelsea goes first and hears the girls telling Tom that she’s the problem, not him. She doesn’t appreciate that. She’s felt like people have taken advantage of her in all her relationships and, like Bill Engvall says, “Here’s your sign.”
• Erica sees the lapdances and cries more than Corey.
• My favourite part of this episode is when Mark L questions Erica when she says Kendal is “mature and advanced”. The look on his face is priceless.
• AND THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE!

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Which couples are breaking up?

Couple #1

God, I hope so. In any other planet, Chelsea is a fucking catch, but she’s so broken by infidelities in her previous relationships that she’s taking it out on Tom. She needs a really patient and caring man to heal her. I just don’t think Tom is that man.

Couple #2

I think Kendal is gonna bang Alexcys in the ass and Erica is gonna be broken. Well, more broken than she already is. They’re better off without each other.

Couple #3

They certainly talk and act like they think they’re going to break up, but I’m not sure. They’re both so insecure they may just end up together.

Couple #4

I really hope that Julian finds someone else because Christina is a bitch.

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Are there any Singles that stood out/you’d like to bang?

Alexcys is my favourite for obvious reasons,

but watch out for Amanda Bottle Service. She’s got that Texas drawl that’s pretty sexy and Katrina The Model looks like she’s #UpForWhatever.

I have to say, I also like Single Shaquille. He pulled out the titty flexes in the first episode and his reactions in this episode were hilarious. I hope we get to see more of him in future episodes.

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Here is last week’s full episode, in case you want to get up to speed:

YOU FUCKERS NEED TO TUNE IN TONIGHT FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!

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I’ll be writing recaps of every episode and publishing on the Tuesday the next episode airs.

Temptation Island airs every Tuesday night on USA Network at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central. You can also catch up on prior episodes (if you sign in with a cable or satellite account) and see behind the scene clips on the USA Network website: https://www.usanetwork.com/temptationisland

Let your excitement bubble over in the comments. If we all behave ourselves, maybe we can live-blog this baby!