(a.k.a. – the Tuesday Evening Open Thread – Beerguyrob)
Hello, friends. I notice that the National Football League, sometimes known as the “NFL,” is hosting their annual player selection this week, and yours truly has some thoughts. Yes, I am still dead, but my head’s cryogenic storage pod only gets NFL Network and the Oprah Winfrey Network, so this year’s Pro Days have held my attention like none of my spouses ever did.
Since there was no Combine and the living have had their brains turned to a lumpy pudding by a year of Pandemic Life, you may be unfamiliar with this year’s crop of pigskin cannon fodder. Let me give you some of my impressions:
The San Francisco 49ers traded a bushel of picks to move up and draft a quarterback, rumored to be Mac Jones. This is such a dull pick that instead of Mac the Knife, he should be called Mac the Spoon!
This year’s Draft will be held in Cleveland, which many do not know had one of the finest bus station mens’ rooms in the Western Hemisphere in 1935…
I apologize to presumptive first pick Trevor Lawrence. He is apparently NOT Fabio’s lovechild. Please dismiss your defamation suit…
Get it? Mac the Spoon?!?! Ah, to hell with you all…
Alabama’s Christian Barmore flashes the quickness to blast through gaps and close to the football, making him one of the overlooked gems of a historically-poor defensive draft class. What, you thought these were just going to be a series of insane non-sequitors?
Adam Gase: still a fucking muppet. And not in the good way…
Now I’m hearing rumors that the 49ers might draft Florida tight end Kyle Pitts, despite already having George Kittle and the demoralized corpse of Jimmy Garoppolo. Bold strategic move by likely CTE-victim John Lynch…
Philadelphia is a great city. I can’t understand why their insistence on actively alienating everyone and everything seems to drive away football talent…
In a perfect world, Pittsburgh would trade up and draft Pitts. The marketing practically writes itself…
One analyst described Kwity Paye as having “rare lower body twitch and fluidity for his size and leverages his strong hands at the point of attack, giving blockers all they can handle on the edges.” If that’s not a come-on, I’ll eat my hat…
Cornerbacks Patrick Surtain II, Jaycee Horn and Asante Samuel Jr. are all on the Cowboys draft radar. Because if Stephen Jones knows anything, it’s potential failsons…
Trey Lance has never lost a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. I don’t know if that makes it more or less likely that Nick Sirianni jumps back up in the Draft to take him…
Temecula, California- Hello!
A significant number of this year’s projected Top 20 (including the top offensive linemen and consensus top wide receiver Ja’Marr Chase) did not play last year due to COVID. If they succeed, will this help topple the NCAA?
Not many people know that Jaycee Horn was the recipient of his father Joe’s famous Cell Phone Celebration call. As a result, he will be suspended the first two games of the season for unsportsmanlike conduct…
There are too many college teams named the “Tigers”. Auburn, Clemson, LSU, Memphis, Missouri, Grambling State, Jackson State. Show some creativity!
Jayson Oweh is a 260 pound defensive lineman who ran a 4.36 40-yard dash. I haven’t seen a man that large run that fast since I told Rush Limbaugh a black man was talking to a pretty white woman across town…
Miami really did just utterly pillage Houston for draft picks…
How about “River Otters”? The LSU River Otters has a nice ring to it…
Jaylen Waddle is NOT related to Chicago Bears great Tom Waddle, despite also playing receiver. So much for being the Legacy Draft…
Betty White and Bea Arthur get all the attention, but for my money it was Estelle Getty who was 24 karat. What does this have to do with the Draft? Fuck you, that’s what…
No word on who Kansas City will take this year. Along with defensive tackles, the 2021 class looks to be thin on woman-beaters….
Temecula? Temecula, you are on the air…
Zach Wilson to New York, I guess. Next year’s quarterback class looks to be the worst since EJ Manuel, so tanking for another season is probably a bad enough idea for even the Jets to understand…
War was always here. Before man was, war waited for him. The ultimate trade awaiting its ultimate practitioner. That is the way it was and will be. That way and not some other way…
I AM FUCKING INSANE.
Check out some actual draft coverage in Horatio’s First Mock Draft here
Full moon behind the Duquesne Incline, Pittsburgh
0-60 in the time it takes to say 0-60.
So you had a bad day…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH476CxJxfg
But not as bad as this guy. Or the coworker he killed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qK626DpxhBI
Y’know most of that’ll buff right out…
Presume all of you very online people have already seen this, but
https://twitter.com/moylato/status/1387139670962843658?s=19
urmom provides a lot more room.
“Eh, 6 cm is all I need” — Brett Favre
What the fuck language is that? Flemish?
I don’t think so, not enough “iddlies” sprinkled throughout…
Ok, that’s weird. I just saw that, not even 2 minutes ago. You need to leave my head immediately, my good sir!
That new show on ABC is on right now, the one where they groom and beautify the dogs and judges pick the best one. Based on what I’ve seen so far, I don’t Rebel Wilson’s gonna make the top five.
She looks way better here than the Australian one that’s also on Canadian TV.
Hydrocodone is what they got me. It seems to be working but I’m thinking there were stronger options they could have provided.
I think that’s what I had when I had all four of mine pulled. It worked fine, right up until my then 4-year-old smacked me in the face.
Still kinda surprised he made it to 5.
Lol at Mac the Spoon the second time and the Estelle Getty angerlust
Hey, Horatio, about that thing you sent me–our jackhole landlord finally changed the building code after six months of our complaints after break-ins, but no one told the UPS guy, so they’re rerouting it to the UPS store 3 blocks away….and i won’t be able to retrieve it until after 2pm because that journey will apparently be by ant.
As long as it’s there in one piece. Your video game components I mean. They’re very fragile.
So I’m waiting for the mrs to get home with my GD prescription. All I’ve had since the surgery is a couple Advil and a Tylenol (wife’s special blend) and icing pretty consistently. Feel optimistic I’ll be back to work tomorrow (I need to get in). Or is this one of these “the next day is the worst” deals?
I don’t recall what pills are coming my way but one is a controlled substance so that should be a blast.
> …get home with my GD prescription.
It’s okay to say “god damn” here.
Just trying to set a good example.
Ha, too late!
How bad its going to be depends on how much they had to mash your gum tissue to get them out, I think. Mine were impacted, so the pain was pretty bad and I looked like a chipmunk for a few weeks. Hopefully they were just able to yank yours out without having to break them up in the gum first.
I don’t think they were too deep. But I’m sure they had to shred up the gums somewhat.
In my experience, (molar extractions and also hair-line jaw fracture at another time) you’re going to really feel it 48 hours afterwards. It kicks in then. Don’t make any plans. Seriously.
I got a wedding on schedule for Saturday. Yay/nay?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I mean, best of luck, but I would plan on sending regrets and a nice gift. Sotchy’s right, it’s not fun for the first few days. You’ll live, but likely on the couch sipping milkshakes.
Do not use a straw.
GD? Gametime Decision prescription? He sendin you them sweet Canadian Deux, deux, deux’s?
You get the exchange rate so like 1.5 times the pillz
We’re at the point where “the election was a fraud” is simply the rally call of white trash.
It also serves to identify who isn’t vaccinated.
#STOPTHELIE
Do they ever actually say that? It doesn’t consist of three syllables that can be chanted, so it seems a bit too ‘elitist’ for them.
Think I laid out the formal version.
I love it when pitchers fuck with batters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOgpNjeh1EA&ab_channel=MLB
Why don’t those batters just hit home runs?
This was the first time I saw it employed. Gorman Thomas’ disgust/self-hatred/angry resignation is something I’ll always remember. He was gonna hit that shit a mile out of the park and he totally whiffed. Fucking hilarious.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikLlRT2j7EQ&ab_channel=MLB
That is classic!!! Truley, a mighty wind was generated by that swing. Thanks for th lulz.
Having worked around enough minor league players in my 25+ years at the stadium, slow balls & eephus pitches fuck with a batter’s eye. They are so used to 90+ mph heaters & 12-6 curve balls that a 50 mph lob befuddles them. They can’t time it right.
Good ol’ position players pitching!
I apologize for the lack of a Temptation Island Open Thread. Work has been a bear.
On the bright side, my staff ordered 2000 cum folders today, so there’s that.
Yes, that’s how she spelled it in the email.
Btw, it was $385 for 1000 cum envelopes and $215 for 500.
I always say go big or go home.
-Ms. Houston
Man was that order placed in the wrong hole
Sophia Petrillo was half the show’s charm obvs
Chefs kiss for this one Rev.
“Cornerbacks Patrick Surtain II, Jaycee Horn and Asante Samuel Jr. are all on the Cowboys draft radar. Because if Stephen Jones knows anything, it’s potential failsons…”
/Horatio sets fire to his entire mock draft and just sits there, staring at his keyboard and morosely drinking from a bottle of cheap gin. A single tear trails down his cheek.
Surtain’s dad was great in a super old version on Madden.
“Men are born for games. Nothing else. Every child knows that play is nobler than work.” – Thanks, Cormac. With your leave I will continue my fucking around & goofing off…
Yeah Gase is a muppet at best. Who in the world thinks that man can honestly deliver any sort of success to NY/NJ?
He has occasional bursts of sharpness. Let’s call him Mac the Spork.
Due to his consistent bad dad jokes, we should probably just call him Mac the Cheese.
I bet those bus station bathrooms from 1935 haven’t been remodeled since.
A haiku to remember all bathrooms, both shitty and pissy:
Blue port-a-potty
The roar of the crowd inside
Lone-ly parking lot
or cleaned…
Buddy Cole absolutely knows about that bus station bathroom.
“Quit Stalling!: How I Learned To Avoid Bus Station Bathrooms And Embraced The Warmth Of Deserted Alleyways. An Autobiography.”
-Buddy Cole
Did Buddy show up for the Oscars post on Sunday? Every once in a blue moon he appears and it startles me. He’s like a magical unicorn, that one!
He did! He titled himself, “Ed McMahon’s Party Machine”, which was a riff on a fine Carvey/Hartman-era SNL bit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvtdOCeKvNo
Phil Hartman was a genius.
I didn’t realize that was him, I thought it was a really funny new guy. Yay for Buddy Cole!