Exploring the Term “Mandatory”

Good morning, all.  There is no Lesser Footy to speak of (international break, blech), but at least tomorrow – The Shield tries to fill that void with the most precious of gift.

Jest.  Falcons (without Ridley!).  London.  9:30a EST, full national coverage.

As you know, our esteem for FITBAW means that when we get a wonderful 14-hour viewing window – we fucking watch it.  ALL of it.

So, while legally I can’t stipulate that “mandatory” is on pain of catapault…I don’t have to, and in fact am NOT, ruling it out.

If you have eschewed the bosom of REEL MURRIKA for the Left Coast?  Well, take a nap on Saturday.  Pass out during the 7p JV NFL window.  Acquire trucker speed.  JUST BE HERE, eyeballs glued to the magic.

After contemplating the bleakness of existence all morning, here are the appetizers from indentured servitude (or as ah like to say as a Son of the South, happy worker pals):

Oklahoma (-3) v. Texas (Noon, ABC)

Fuck your mother, I will call this Red River SHOOTOUT and fuck off if you don’t like it.  Terms like “shootout” are NOT why we have all these lunatic shootings in this country.  Even well-meaning people can be right stupid.  It’s not the exclusive province of the “religious” right.

Arkansas (+5) at Ole Miss (Noon, ESPN)

Two SEC West nouveau riche-ish squadrons, both coming of Old Money Bully-given wakeup calls.  Who will respond better, and/or will anyone still be listening to Morrissey tunes like Emo Carr??

South Cakalaky (+10.5) at Tennessee (Noon, ESPN2)

I am not on the UT hype train – they just had a good week, while Mizzou shit their pants.  Same bunch who lost at home to Pitt, who in turn lost at home to Western Michigan.  Of course, using the transitive property in JV NFL leads to madness.  But the Chickens just might be “a step above Vandy” dogshit.  We shall see.

West By God Virginia (+3) at Baylor (Noon, FS1)

Stayin’ alive in the Big Twaaaalve race?  Best win today, both of y’all.  WCS eyes his non-alcoholic beverage with distaste.

Georgia (-15) at Auburn (3:30, CBS)

Does this whackadoo line – which I 100% will NOT bet either way – say MOAR about UGA’s dominance, or War Damn Eagle’s steaming pile of meh?  The answer, obvs, is YES.

Paedo State (+1.5) at Iowa (4:00, Fox)

One definition of “hopeless pile of monkeyfuck” is needing Team Cornpone to do sommet good for humanity.  Paedos roll, and the Narrative intensifies.

Feel free to talk about books, family problems, music, whatevs.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Redshirt

How could the Center be anticipating the snap count? He’s the Center; that’s his job!

Mr. Ayo

Blessed be those who bet the overs today.

Redshirt

Yup. Let’s let the entire game be decided on gaining three yards when the entire defense is compacted into 13 yards of play.

Redshirt

They’re the ones that keep eating cleats and getting juked out of their jockstraps.

Redshirt

Does the Longhorns have no kicker? With that down and distance, that pretty much screamed “field goal”.

Spur

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Fronkenshteen

Arkansas about to go for 2 for the win in regulation.

Fronkenshteen

Incomplete! Ole Miss wins 52-51.

Doktor Zymm

I need to look into getting one of those pancake machines like they have in Alaska lounges for my own kitchen. I could just print off a couple pancakes whenever I wanted. It would be glorious

Redshirt

I see Brocky has made up with the Almighty because God has redirected his Righteous Fury back to Cincinnati. A Sooner loss would open up a clear path to the CFPlayoffs for JV Cincy…so of course Oklahoma comes back from being dead and 21 points down.

Mr. Ayo

Beyond bananacakes now!

Mr. Ayo

A true JV classic that one.

Mr. Ayo

This red river shootout rules.

Horatio Cornblower

Just like their schools!

Horatio Cornblower

It’s fun, and Texas is losing.

Unfortunately Oklahoma is winning.

Can’t have it all, I guess.

Spur

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Mr. Ayo

Rootin’ tootin’ rockin’!

Gumbygirl

Gumbygirl is NOT a morning person. If you insist on me getting up at the crack of dawn, you must be prepared for massive amounts of pissing and moaning. Whining and kvetching. Bitching and complaining. Grousing and grizzling. Crying and whinging. General unpleasantness. Intermittent violence. Explosive diarrhea.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Sounds like the complications of bottom surgery

Horatio Cornblower

I got out of bed at 10:51 this morning, and I’ll do it again tomorrow without a second’s thought.

Doktor Zymm

That would certainly spice up the early morning game thread!

Horatio Cornblower

As someone of Danish/Norwegian heritage, (I tan surprisingly well for an Irish/German/Scandanavian; you’d think I’d just burst into flames on a partly cloudy day), allow me to say that this is what I voted for Biden for. Not, like, loan forgiveness, infrastructure, civil rights, voting reform, or any of that petty bullshit.

Redshirt

So Enslaving Italians bad? Raping, looting and plundering vikings good?

Doktor Zymm

I mean, they were raping, looting, and plundering the English mostly

Redshirt

Ah, the ironic poetic justice loophole. Objection withdrawn.

Gumbygirl

.

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scotchnaut

Okie just doesn’t have the finishing touch, getting there one field goal at a time.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Guten Morgen

Dunstan

“Well, no one who speaks German could be evil.” — Springfield Parole Board

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s kind of nice to have a weekend where there’s no natural disaster actively occurring, or even imminent.

Warthog

You want giant ants, because that’s how you get giant ants.
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ballsofsteelandfury

Um, you wanna use your indoor voice there, Rikki?

Horatio Cornblower

Why would you say that with like 36 hours left in the weekend?

Anthony In TX

Whenever a Texas team plays a non-Texas team and I don’t have a rooting interest, I generally cheer for the Texas team.* So… Hook ’em horns, I guess? Sure, why not.

*Unless it’s the Cowboys. Fuck the Cowboys forever. I hope they lose every game for all time.

litre_cola

This is a superb taek.

Horatio Cornblower

The Cowboys play the Giants this week, so your “for all time wish” probably isn’t lasting 24 hours.

Anthony In TX

A man can *always* hope.

Senor Weaselo

And now, Senor Weaselo, smooth talker.

Scene: Senor has just finished playing a funeral precessional and the wife of the deceased is paying him and thanking him for being there.

SW: Once again, my condolences, and, all the best. (Wife nods and walks off)

SW: And… peace be with you?

Dunstan

“And you didn’t ask her out?” – Bill B., Foxboro MA

Redshirt

He has a point. She was on the rebound.

Gumbygirl

You should have shouted “Show me your tits!” She already paid you, why not?

Horatio Cornblower

Not like her husband can beat you up.

Don T

The standard is a tender look, say “Grieving is a hard process”, and reach around to hug. That’s when you take the purse.

Mr. Ayo

Sooners are a notorious 2nd quarter team.

Spur

I think they’re more notorious for stealing land.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I still can’t believe the state mascot is literally people who cheated to get ahead.

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

I spent a few days in Tulsa once, (for work, not like I’d got to Tulsa willingly), and it’s pretty easy to believe once you meet a few of them.

Horatio Cornblower

Listen, if you like buffet-style restaurants and evangelical churches on every block the place is fucking Paradise!

Spur

Spencer Rattler should have waited until after the game to eat all those funnel cakes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Rattler? Now I never…well, okay, when I grabbed her and pushed her onto that couch that was covered with guns I suppose I might have shaken her just a little bit. But it was purely incidental!” – Greg Hardy

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
litre_cola

Superb work.

ballsofsteelandfury

I feel like we need to have a post devoted to Canadian driving practices.

Y’all think nothing of driving 6 to 8 hours for a quick getaway. I have so many questions:

How good are the highways?
Are they well maintained?
Do you have good driving manners/discipline?
Are there many gas stations en route?
Do drivers look out for each other in the middle of nowhere?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Game Time Decision

It has a name
The Trans-Canada highway

Horatio Cornblower

Trans-Rights!

Don’t even thinking of taking a left.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Do an episode of 20 Questions with one of our Canadian friends as a co-author to immediately answer them.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ok, I’m doing it!

litre_cola

set up a slack channel

ballsofsteelandfury

Great idea!

ballsofsteelandfury

Slack channel set up and loaded!

Mr. Ayo

Also remember to keep your windows rolled up, otherwise in a moose encounter you could be bit. Which can be nasty.

litre_cola

If you want to do a 20 q’s I am sure our contingent will participate.

Game Time Decision

I’m in

Game Time Decision

How good are the highways? I’d say pretty good. Coverage gets less as one gets farther north
Are they well maintained? For the most part yes. And plowed on the reg too
Do you have good driving manners/discipline? The farther away from major cities the better the driver. Fuck you left lane Larry/Linda.
Are there many gas stations en route? Yes and there will be signage saying how far to the next one if its nawt close. Aka gas up now dummy.
Do drivers look out for each other in the middle of nowhere? Yep. Have stopped to help people and had teh same done for me. Mainly stuck in snow stuff

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s awesome!

Senor Weaselo

Every single Canadian commenter only drives on the ice road, Initial D style.

Don T

I’m saving this one for headphones at my first opium den visit
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Spur

I’m contacting the authorities about this abortion of a game in Dallas.

litre_cola

10 grand for Spur!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“100 Grand for Andy!” – Coach Reid, cracking into a candy bar

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

/it actually ended up being 600 Grand

scotchnaut

Totally agree with Fronk below-Wilson looked poised in preseason I thought. He looked like garbage when he played the buzzsaws that were the Pats, Panthers and Broncos D’s though. He’s gonna be ok as long as he doesn’t drink cold sodas after 6pm, as per mom’s advice.

herodotus450

I haven’t seen an Oklahoma(!) done this poorly since Mrs. Johnson cast Becky as Laurey instead of Allison in sophomore year.

scotchnaut

Which game are we watching? I’m dosing caffeine in anticipation of a hike.

/will be alcohol-ing and edible-ing later
//wife is gone to PEI and I feel like it’s ‘me time’

Spur

Morning Folks

WCS

Praise JV Bleergh?

WCS

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Mr. Ayo

Looks like the ref brought both his guns to this shootout.

litre_cola

Prepping for my portion of thanksgiving weekend, its 930 am. I just cracked a bottle of wine. Thought I would get the side eye from the inlaw fam until wife says I taught them all about breakfast wine.

ballsofsteelandfury

Here’s the recipe for a tomatillo-based Bloody:

Take a bag of tomatillos, peel the skins off, and boil them.
Once they’re soft, take them out and put them in a blender with some of the water you boiled them in.
Add in some Rosa Blanca (chicken bouillon) for saltiness/taste.
Add a dash or 2 of Worcestershire.
Blend together until you get a nice sauce/mix consistency.

Let cool

Follow the usual instructions for a Bloody.

Mr. Ayo

I can’t imagine putting in this much work to get drunk when you can just drink straight from the bottle.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s a 2 fer 1! You can always use the extra for enchiladas!

Mr. Ayo

Dammit, now I’m hungry. That sounds amazing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yesterday my dog went berzerk when the Amazon delivery kid came inside the gate. This is typical. What is NOT typical is for the kid to leap *over* the fence to escape, which is what happened next.

I felt terrible about it but he was fine and not upset. I wish I’d thought to give him a soda or something for his trouble, though.

blaxabbath

Bezos will take care of him.

litre_cola

Puppy cola is really annoying my bro in laws old lab. I reckon the old boy will have to snap at the puppy so he learns.

Mr. Ayo

Stink was already taken.

Mr. Ayo

Is Texas back?

Mr. Ayo

Horns up!

litre_cola

Best tailgate I have ever been to. Was with rich folk and rolled up with a couple bottles of bourbon. They had a full buffet, tvs, sure as fuck better than UW, ASU, etc.

TheRevanchist

I saw a condensed version of this commercial while watching a show about puppies this morning.

https://youtu.be/yw7cgxPQVSU

Shouldn’t this be on during a Lifetime movie or some shit like that?

blaxabbath

“I’ll just stick with being rich and famous.”

-U Meyer, Private Part Researcher

herodotus450

It’s like an SNL sketch, but without the jokes. Wait, that makes it exactly like an SNL sketch.

blaxabbath

There’s a reason focus groups lead to corporations creating ads for Children’s Tylenol starting women while ads about personal issues are hosted by overly-neutral male doctors.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Once COVID is over I’m going to get back into focus-grouping. It’s a nice way to make a few bucks if you’re not otherwise busy.

Senor Weaselo

It’s no HEAD ON APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD, I’ll tell you that much.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Jon Gruden also said DeMaurice Smith was as flimsy as sheep stomach which is racial tripe

blaxabbath

In Gruden’s defense, it’s just what he believes.

Which is apparently a good enough excuse these days.

blaxabbath

Also, there’s a lot about Smith’s performance leading the NFLPA that is…..nagger.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He also said that DeMaurice’s skin looked kind of ashy, almost gray, which is racial taupe.

ballsofsteelandfury

I would say that Bloody Mary’s are MANDATORY tomorrow morning if you are going to force us West Coasters to watch the Jets.

And no, Mimosas don’t count. That’s a brunch game drink.

Doktor Zymm

Is there a tomatillo version of the bloody mary? If not we need to make one

blaxabbath

Mossy Maria?

ballsofsteelandfury

There IS!

Game Time Decision

caesar or GTFO

ballsofsteelandfury

The difference being the Clamato? Doesn’t make a difference to us Mexicans. We prefer our Micheladas with Clamato anyway.

Game Time Decision

And it usually has Worcestershire and tobassco in it

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s required in a Bloody. Caesar or Mary.

Anthony In TX

> Acquire trucker speed.

Is that the non-official brand of “Cop Speed”?

Game Time Decision

Here the 18 wheelers are limited to 105 km/h (60 or so mph)
So while fast not that fast

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

One thing about the Terminator movies that always bugged me is how the robot will climb into a semi and all of a sudden the vehicle acquires the acceleration powers of a MacLaren 720s.

WCS

West Virginia is so boned.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Feels more like winter than fall here today in LA.

ballsofsteelandfury

The last two days have been glorious weather-wise.

blaxabbath

Oh is Newsom giving all your homes to the drug addicts with Christmas lights instead of Gather signs?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of Newsome I should check the mail today to see if my free money has arrived.

blaxabbath

NOTHING IS FREE EXCEPT CORPORATE TAX CUTS!

Game Time Decision

What is LA winter weather?

Dunstan

Fall = maybe put on a long-sleeved shirt
Winter = maybe put on a sweater

Game Time Decision

So late Canadian summer = LA winter

ballsofsteelandfury

But always wear shorts!

blaxabbath

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blaxabbath

By “we”, I believe she means Rich, White, Evangelical Southerners.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna1281090

Last edited 3 years ago by blaxabbath
blaxabbath

“A Jets-Falcons game? Dang America really gives England their crap products.”

– Starving Sudanese Children

Fronkenshteen

I think the Jets are a great bet tomorrow. The offense is a bunch of lovable castoffs (Corey Davis, Tevin Coleman, Keelan Cole, Jamison Crowder), but Wilson is FINDING these guys, and the defense is coming together. Ask Tanny Fanny. Both sides of the ball, they’re playing their guts out for Saleh, who I really like. If NY is simply capable of watching film, I don’t think Corduroy P runs wild again. Ridley is OUT. Pitts has underwhelmed thus far. Tevin Coleman is going to want to shove a 100 yard & a TD game up ATL’s ass. I don’t know. I love them on the money line, and think they’re a STEAL at +4.5.
Anyway, I think it’ll be WELL worth waking up to watch this (MANDATORY!!!) tilt.
Also, International Breaks stink.
I’ll hang up and listen.

Fronkenshteen

I’m not wagering on it, so I won’t mush you.

Fronkenshteen

Actually, they’re +3 now, but still, I think they win outright.
OUTRIGHT, I SAY!!!!

Mr. Ayo

*opens freezer*

Hello breakfast vodka!

Fronkenshteen

Bloody Marys?

Mr. Ayo

Too fancy. Just soda.

Fronkenshteen
Last edited 3 years ago by Fronkenshteen
Brick Meathook

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Game Time Decision

The blind safety one was awesome toooo