“Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the twelfth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC!  Now also (occasionally but not today) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.

• As you may know/may have learned last night from DaiquiriHomieRoy, DFO has a little tradition during media day week (aka the Super Bowl bye week) where we warm our cockles with all the HATE HATE HATE that burns in our black hearts. So here are some random thoughts about things I hate.
• I HATE when you’re in an office with automatic light sensors and even though you’re still in it, the lights turn off because you haven’t moved around enough.  Bonus HATE points when it’s a shitter. NO ONE WANTS TO SHIT IN THE DARK.
• This was covered a bit last week, but FUCK THE PRO BOWL IN ITS STUPID FACE.  And yet they managed to do something worse and I HATE that we all have chuckle along with all the chucklefucks. At least somebody got hit hard.

.@jalenramsey needs a #ProBowlGames rules refresher asap 😂 pic.twitter.com/rI2anedtkQ

— NFL (@NFL) February 5, 2023

• Since I’ve been traveling a lot for work lately, you won’t be surprised that a lot of my hate is targeted at airlines, airports, and air travelers. That’s right, humans, all of us, are the biggest part of the fucking problem.
• That mass of people congesting the boarding area even when they board last, FUCK YOU.  Go sit down and get out of the way. If I wanted to jump over your suitcase and pool of sweat I’d consider trying out for American Ninja Warrior. I mean, I wouldn’t because I’m fat and out of shape but still sit the fuck down.
• And the airlines themselves, HO-LEE SHIT.  You lie to us about departure times, actual flight times, arrival times, % of seats sold, whether or not there is still scotch left in the beverage cart, how soon we’re landing, whether or not it’s safe to move about the cabin, and if that flight attendant was actually flirting with you. NO TRUST.

• If you haven’t watched Community, I HATE YOU.  Just kidding. But you really should. And then when you get to Season 5, Episode 5, where they’re playing the floor is lava, you can let me know if you also get choked up and teary toward the end of the episode. Damn, that shit is moving AND I HATE THAT IT MAKES ME FEEL MY FEELINGS.
• Also covered / mentioned / whatevered last week, but let’s not let a moment of hate week go by without invoking the name of the inspiration for this sacred celebration, the golden goatfucker himself, Thomas Edward Patrick Brady, Jr.  First of all, that’s too many fucking middle names. Second through a millionth, FUCK YOU AND YOUR CHEATING STRAWBERRY AVOIDING CREEPY ASS FACE.  And if Tom Brady is worth $375M to Fox, Congress should pass a targeted tax increase of $380M levied only on Fox.
• Seriously, I will NOT listen to that man call a game. I will mute it, I will listen to the SAP announcers, I will burn an effigy during the game, but I won’t listen to Tom Brady fumble over his words to describe the magic of being up in the booth after he was so blessed to play until Methusela’s age because he totally never had any HGH or other assistance. FUCK Tom Brady.
• I HATE that the Bears are going to leave the city of Chicago and move further out to the outer wedges of this chart Zymm shared:

• NFL owners are garbage.
• Fuck Jerry Jones, Dan Snyder, Stephen Ross, Enos Stanley Kroenke, the Spanoi, and all the other incompetent to evil motherfuckers bleeding the players, fans, and monkey paws dry as they do whatever the fuck they want to whomever they want, no matter how many friends they lose or people they leave dead and dying and bloodied along the way.
• In fact, you know what I may hate more than all the other things? The fact that there is no actual personal accountability/repercussions for gross immorality.  Louis CK “got canceled” and is still touring/making bank. Hell, even Cosby said he’s going back on tour later this year.  As a friend once remarked, there’s no such thing as “illegal” for the super rich.  It’s not illegal to park your Bugatti in the middle of the street, you just pay a fine. Violating SEC or FEC rules doesn’t cost you anything other than money. Obviously our former President learned he can do whatever the fuck he wants no matter how reprehensible and he can still be a member of society.  Elizabeth Holmes may be the exception that proves the rule, especially since she said flat out they don’t put pretty people like her in jail. I guess she wasn’t wealthy/powerful enough to get away with a fine. And I’d bet dollars to donuts that when she gets out of prison camp in a few years, she’ll write a book and “rehabilitate” her image and probably go on a speaking tour or even be an advisor to young entrepreneurs or some shit.  Wait, now I’ve gone from angry to sad. AND I HATE THAT.
• Alright, let’s close it out with a DOUBLE hateful DOUBLE fill in the blank: “The thing I HATE most about National Disgrace Roger Goodell is _________________, which is why I think the appropriate punishment for him is _______________.”