Remember that old SNL sketch “Fecal Matter with your Host, Doug Fecal”? No? Yeah I figured it was just me. It was a solid (heh) talk show format with a specialized host and topic. Well, we ain’t exactly doing Pod Flies Open around here, but what about in written form, maybe say like a mix between Doug Fecal, Jack Handey, Balls’ 25 questions, Rev’s take on Larry King, and I don’t know, my own fucked up mind? With that backdrop I present to you the nineteenth edition of a potentially sporadically recurring irregularly scheduled Random Thoughts with BFC! Now also (occasionally) in open thread form! If you want to make this interactive, drop a note/question/bon mot in the comments ala my old Mouth Flies Open attempt at an advice column.
- I’m going on a few trips and planning on going offline for a bit, so I’m taking Litre’s spot tonight, then he’ll do next Thursday night, and then it’s a question of how hobo season is looking. Either way, remember that time is relative and or fake.
- My sister and her family came to visit recently, so Lady BFC and I stocked the cupboard and fridge with stuff the kids like. If anyone is in need of some CheezIts, please let me know.
- Having only just had chocolate milk for the first time in at least a decade, let me just say holy shit. No wonder kids like it, that Fairlife chocolate milk tastes almost exactly like melted chocolate ice cream.
- Speaking of, what kind of American full fatted bullshit is the need to put toppings ON ice cream? Let’s take this thing that is wonderfully delicious and already unhealthy and throw sprinkles and chocolate sauce on top. Disgusting.
- Obviously I’m a giant hypocrite since I absolutely ate the pants off of chocolate ice cream with magic shell and sprinkles. What, we bought them for the kids, can’t let them go to waste…
- The other thing I learned while my niece and nephew were in town is that I am absolute shit at cutting mango. Maybe the ones I bought were weird or something, but I ended up carving it up like a sloppy wet rotisserie chicken or something. Damn you, mango!
- Anyone else fucking outraged that they remade White Men Can’t Jump?
- That movie was perfect and needed no remaking. (NOTE: I haven’t watched it in years and have no idea if it holds up, but it was 1992, get some new ideas, Hollywood)
- Yes, I recognize the irony in asking for new movie ideas when all the writers are on strike. Fuck the studios. And double fuck Bob Iger.
- This is an example of a potentially temporally challenged observation given that I started drafting this post a while ago. SAG-AFTRA joined the strike recently, maybe one or both will be resolved before this runs. Regardless, double fuck Bob Iger stands.
- You know who can suck it? FedEx. Every time I get a notification that there’s a shipment coming from FedEx, it says it will arrive between 8am and 1pm. And virtually without fail, it arrives between 4pm and 8pm. This week, I had something coming overnight that I had to sign for, and unlike the last half dozen times the tracking number said it would arrive by 1pm, this one had actually shipped and was out for delivery by 8 am, so I thought there was a chance. After rearranging my schedule 3 times…nope. As of this writing, still waiting past 3:15pm. First world problems, but like, expectations management, dudes.
- I meandered into the MGM Grand down at National Harbor the other day since I hadn’t been there since well before COVID. Some complaints:
- Layout is a little odd. I actually had to ask someone where the craps tables were because they weren’t really by the other table games and not like in an intuitive location at all.
- No free drinks. Why the fuck am I paying you $4 for a Corona when I’m betting $25 minimum each hand of craps, with hundreds out there if I’m getting frisky? Don’t you want me buzzed and making bad decisions? I suppose they must have done a study and decided the demographics favor lower dollar slots or something to make this decision, but seems absolutely asinine (and pennywise/pound foolish) to me.
- Small sample size, but not as many helpful/happy/amusing dealers as I’m used to. When I’m getting lit up, I want to at least laugh.
- The sports book does not have betting on Aussie rules football. I have bet ok Aussie footy in Vegas, why the fuck can’t MGM Grand handle it in DC?
- Overall vibe is kind of dour. Like closer to Charlestown Races and Slots than a fun night at the Cosmo or something. Yeah, it was like 3pm so this is probably my fault.
- Overall, it wasn’t bad. Parking was great, no smoke, it was clean, yada yada.
- In conclusion, eat snacky s’mores.
- In other personal anecdote news, I went to the bank the other day and there was a bit of a line. They guy three people in front of me asked the teller (in Spanish) where the bank employee who speaks Spanish was/when s/he would return. That failed to connect, so he tried to use what he described as his limited English. It was NOT going well, so I figured fuck it and interceded. I ended up translating the whole transaction, and the woman in front of me in line made some comment to me (in Spanish) about it being lucky I was there. Which I found confusing, so I told her I guess she could have been doing the translating. But all was revealed when she stepped up for her turn and made it clear she spoke virtually no English either. So I ended up translating for her. I felt pretty good about it, but also it was stupid stressful. And that wasn’t my usual branch either, but apparently they quite like me there now.
- We are exactly two weeks from the NFL preseason kicking off, and if you were excited for FITBAW to come back, just remember, it’s the fucking Browns with their sexual predator QB vs the fucking Jets and their generally awful humanoid QB. So yeah, I won’t be watching.
- If you need me, just wait til I’m back.
- In the meantime, this week’s fill in the blank is, “obviously, the worst human being in the NFL (other than national disgrace Roger Goodell) is _____________.”
What’s on TV tonight?
Os @ Rays (allegedly underway)
Cubs host the Cardinals at 7:05pm DFO time on ESPN+
Astros @ A’s, 8:40pm DFO time
Ooooh, Canuck Football if you have access to TSN 3 or 5, whatever those are. Winnipeg Blue Bombers vs Edmonton Elks at 7:30pm DFO time
Chicago Sky vs Phoenix Mercury on NBA TV at 9pm DFO time
I’m sure other things will present themselves, but once again, you COULD be watching Aussie footy in the wee hours…Essendon vs Western at 4:50AM DFO time could be the ticket. Until next time, keep on keeping on.
I am recording the next game. Good night and stay sexy, bitches.
So did I! Holy cats, #4 and #6 para Espana are smokeshow 10s, which makes sense from a mathematical POV, too.
Have to say advantage SUI here. At least them bitches have been cold before today.
Have to say I haven’t seen a Filipino go down this hard since my last massage.
— R. Kraft
“The last time I saw one go down this hard was in 2012.” – Juan Manuel Marquez
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNPmChbMsZQ
#23 for SUI looks like a drag queen Madonna.
They should let Bob McNamara coach tomorrow’s match. I doubt even he could lose it this time, but only because he’s ded.
I’m with you on the remakes. Those should be done rarely and carefully.
Also hear you on the s’mores. Getting after those here this weekend.
Oppenheimer was good. I am also the exact target audience for that motion picture.
“Oppenheimer: A Must-See Film For Guys Who Jerk Incessantly”
I thought that was Barbie
Don’t kinkshame
It is sold out in D.C. through the weekend.
My first job was operating a nuclear reactor on a submarine (that’s Rickover) but our main battery was Trident C-4s (Oppenheimer stuff). The sub could also make donuts and we watched a lot of movies.
The sub could also make donuts and we watched a lot of movies.
Oh, a police sub.
Don’t hate me because I’m a war hero.
How did they handle his “MC Oppie” hip-hop phase?
“Me too!”
Parcells, William
Quite a wasted opportunity for Canadia.
I’m thinking of starting a service called “An Evening With Brick” where you can pay a nominal fee and I’ll take a group of people out in cities I’m familiar with (L.A. & D.C. to start). We’ll have a professional driver in a nice town car or van and I take you around to all sorts of interesting places you never knew about (all legit safe places). No more than 30 minutes between quality bathroom breaks. Everyone has to talk to each other. I’ll split the profits with everyone who works on it. This is the best thing since MS-DOS.
I’m in, assuming I can wear chaps.
I want to feature you in the ad campaign, with you leaning against the hired Town Car, wearing your ass-less studded chaps. “I was on Jeopardy!” you’ll whisper into the camera (cue toll-free phone number supers) / fade to black
Already there and hard.
I’m printing the leaflets now
How is #10 still walking? Yeesh.
yeah that hurt just to WATCH
I don’t know if anyone watches The Bear, but episode 6 of S2 is, hands down, the best hour of TV I have ever seen. Hands down. Nothing else comes close.
I don’t think it would be as good if you hadn’t seen the previous 15 episodes, but that’s like 7-8 hours and every goddamn one of us has spent 7-8 hours watching two football games that meant nothing. Put the time in. Watch the show. Then sit back and watch S2 E6. My god.
Is that the seven fishes episode?
Yes.
Lady BFC read a review that was basically “well that’s what happens when multiple amazing actors decide they’re going for the special guest appearance Emmy”
It’s got Bob Odenkirk, Jon Berenthal, Oliver Platt, Sarah Paulson, John Mullaney, a couple of others, and Jamie Lee Curtis just walked in and said “hold my beer and get the fuck out of the way”
And all of those other people were fantastic, fwiw. Curtis was just on a totally different level.
“Who are…eight people who have never been in my kitchen.”
It actually gets better from there.
That throw in was hilarious. Of course, the white Nigerian did it.
Got to watch out for them White Devils!
Why is Canadia taking the hot girl out of the game???
Because you’re touching yourself.
But I haven’t finished!
Ok, you’re welcome
HOT DANG
Wow, how’d you know I was into necrophilia?
#9 is still out there?
Because Canada has enough trouble with hot things and I’m frankly getting sick and tired of the smoke resulting from most of it.
Alright, there are sufficient flight options for me to make this Australia thing a reality. So the next questions are
A) how long should I spend in Sydney vs Melbourne vs other?
B) how should I plan to get from Sydney to Melbourne and/or Adelaide?
I guess it depends on how much AFL you want to watch and how much time you can spend in Australia. I’d say three nights in Sydney minimum and then go to Melbourne or Adelaide. I don’t think there are nonstop flights back to the US from Adelaide though.
Best way to get from Sydney to either Melbourne or Adelaide is plane. The country is too big and any other option will just eat up unnecessary time.
I’m leaning toward into Sydney for the Darby, explore Sydney a bit, and then either go to Adelaide for the Giants road game OR see if I can get tickets for a game at the MCG. Either way, gotta fly out of Melbourne.
Good call
First, how are you getting from here to Australia? Because there are a few pro tips (although if they still exist post-pandemic I don’t know).
Through Europe, apparently.
Going through London has (or possibly used to have) significant fare advantages, particularly if you want to go back in less than a year.
Go on….
I’ll look it up for you if want. I learned all this in L.A. and I still know the people to ask. I’m back there in early August.
Does The Wave go counter-clockwise in Oz? Also, what assholes still DO THAT SHITE
Sounds like a call for Bart Simpson! (Also Ban the Wave.)
I thought this soccer game was still 0-0. Am I wrong?
“NO, YOU ARE NOT WRONG!”
/tries to pick up angel barista
– Ghost of TWBS
But a nil-nil with PROMISE
Don’t let old people take penalty kicks, sockher rule numero one.
That was unfortunate. I won’t watch any more, I think I jinxed Canada. Sourry!
Hippo was right. Sinclair is having a MARE
Hey man, I provide pill-addled BUT GENUINE match analysis in addition to my pervert schtick
Mental. Note. Never have turducken at Brick’s place
ALWAYS have turducken at Brick’s place. Because “turducken” over here means “coke and hookers plus KFC delivery.”
Unfortunately this is the guy that delivers the KFC to your coke and hookers party
Whoopsie Doodle!
Is Dan Snyder still eligible?
Dan Snyder: The Six Billion Dollar Man
Borjan’s pants must be shaking their head in shame at that Maple keeping.
Sinclair having a mare. Good thing scotchy is asleep.
Nigeria has a lovely white gal at left back, and The Canadia has the gal with dreads. Delightful.
Careful, conservatives are getting TRIGGERED
I mean, welcome 2 NOBUMMER’s America amirite
Is it Cady Heron?
I read this as “candy heroin” and NOW HIPPO WANT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlhGWuQWY3U&pp=ygUOaWdneSBwb3AgY2FuZHk%3D
The balls on anyone doing a duet with Kate Pierson are amazing, but I figure there’s a decent chance Iggy was high as hell and didn’t realize what he’d signed on for.
One of my all-time favorites.
Yeah, my duet with her would be “Ladies and gentlemen, Kate Pierson” followed by me falling backward off the stage into the roadies’ meth stash.
Absolutely the only way to handle it.
You fucker, you made me look!
Doesn’t CANADIA also have a black girl with bright blonde hair? #10 for you playing at home.
You are correct sir. None of her official photos are blond though.
This really is so wonderful and affirms the true beauty of our world, folks. Too bad it’s just women’s soccer.
#7 of The Canadia, yeah? I am sure I wouldn’t creep her out in the Maple Slightest
A mid-50s (F) day in Melbourne? SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.
They call it “winter”
Pussies.
LET’S GO CANADIA!!
“to” let’s go to canadia
The Canadia obvs
Mrs. Horatio used to be a medical assistant. I’ve had a clogged ear for a few days, which I thought was from swimming. After tiring of my incessant “huh? What? I didn’t get that” she dug out some old equipment and irrigated said ear.
Folks, after several of what I can only describe as “ear douchings” there was a pop and a chunk of wax the size of my thumbnail came flying out and into the cup I was holding. It sounds, and is, gross as hell, but believe me when I tell you I can hear colors right now. Amazing.
Glad to see that someone in the medical profession can do their job. My last physical, my doctor the Eastern European gun thug said there was wax in my ear, but he wasn’t going to be the one to fish it out.
Oh, that’s a medical assistant job all the way. No self-respecting MD would so such a job.
http://www.dismissive wankinggif.com
The Cornblower residence earlier:
NGL, I’m jealous. I asked my doctor if he could scrape the wax out, he said there “wasn’t enough for it to be medically necessary.”
Gumby has a thriving candle factory in his ears. He will dig out an enormous ear booger, and then show it to me like I’m going to give him a fucking trophy. Get out of here with that gross gob!
My doctor regularly cleans out my ear wax and then pays me for it; he says it is high quality and the scientific community wants it. Same with my urine and stool samples. Then one day I came back and looked in the window and he was eating it.
Hey Horatio, can I borrow Lowratio for a weekend?
OWAH FACKIN SHAW-TEES AHH FACKIN BETTAH THAHN YOUAHS
Well, since they aren’t using dwarves in Snow White and the 7 Dwarves, someone has to step up with job opportunities.
That’s a penalty, isn’t it? I want to say a 15 yd. Unsportsmanlike Conduct call.
Yeah, leverage is a penalty.
Leverage is if you jump on or stand on another player to block it. Doesn’t say anything about dwarf tossing!
For $300 bucks, lodging and free beer I’ll show up and do it. I’ll guarantee I get a blocked kick too, especially if you’re allowed to throw people in the air.
When I put my tinfoil hat on, I have visions of a giant knob in the back office that lets the casino dial the slot machine/video poker payouts to whatever they want. The state mandates x% payout (85% here in Ohio) in most places in the US, but that doesn’t mean dollars per second, or more importantly when I’m there. So I avoid slot machines.
When it’s open a craps table needs three people plus a piece of a pit boss to get 3% of the wagers? If I ran a casino I’d probably make the minimums on craps $25 too, or take them out of the casino. Which sucks, because craps is the crack cocaine of gambling. There’s craps, and then there’s being bored.
They have a little automated digital craps table at the local casino, that has two big dice that are 4″ cubes that rattle around in a plexiglass dome. The digital parts are everything but the roll itself. You sit at a console and make your bets on a screen. Not nearly as much fun as a hot craps table, but they have $5 minimums, and I am cheap.
And a couple of people I know are Don’t bettors. They’re bad, and they should feel bad.
And TIL you can delete comments from your settings screen, woohoo!
Craps is my favourite game to play but $25 min is really fucking steep. $5 is more my speed and I’ll play $10 if I have to.
I’m with you. I’ve gone to Binion’s and some of the other Downtown/Fremont St. casinos in Vegas just to play with low table limits.
November here we come!
I have no idea how to play craps, (I am not asking for an explanation), and one time a friend of mine who loved it offered to teach me. I watched him lose $150 in five minutes, said ‘great game’ and went to find the poker room.
You’re missing out. There’s no feeling of community and shared joy quite like the one at a hot craps table.
It really is special when it happens.
I have been that “hot shooter” watching the oldest and most superstitious roll up to catch the wave. Felt like I truly let them down when I crapped out.
There was a $1 minimum craps table when I lived in Johannesburg. Plus, nobody there really understood craps so it was usually easy to get a spot. I don’t know why I ever spent any time doing anything else.
Popomatic Trouble!
Yes! I had that in the description but edited it out.
babies r a great source of protein ppl forget that
“I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.”
Jonathon Swift approves!
Mmmm, smooth baby brains. Like foie gras!
If I decided to say fuck it and go to Australia, would you all help me with logistics/planning to get to AFL and maybe WWC games?
WIll you Show Ur TITS if ya gets on teevee??
Isn’t that the point of going?
Absofuckinglutely!!!
Ok, help me figure out the best way to fly from (pick a place in Europe) to (Sydney or Melbourne?) August 3rdish. Ideally I’d make it in time to go to the Sydney Darby…
Pretty sure BA does a direct flight from Heathrow to Sydney.
This is very helpful information
Actually, that’s a good point. You said “best”, not cheapest.
Any price restrictions?
I mean, I don’t want it to bankrupt me, but I’ve got a lot of miles and credit card points to fuck with.
If that’s the case, the United flight from Amsterdam through San Francisco is probably your best bet.
WHERE THE HELL IS DOK WHEN WE NEED HER???
A grand gets you one way from Paris to Sydney through Delhi and Melbourne. Air India and Virgin Australia. Arrive morning of game.
1347 gets you a one-stop from Amsterdam through San Francisco on United. Also arrives the morning of the game. Leaving 8/3
I love Big Bear. This is not the first time I’ve seen someone walking a goat on a leash. Different goat, different person. This is Valentina, and her boy Roger.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ7poFTDkeY&ab_channel=Steak-Topic
https://youtu.be/oeYObKvKxKY
Big Bear? They should change the name of that place to Small Goat, amirite?
She had a lot to say. Sassy goat!
At this point in time I can’t wait to start doing game intros again. Seriously, have we really been doing this thing since 2015?
Apparently, yes. That’s crazy.
Here’s my number. [898 posts] Call me maybe?
I’m at nine forty something
618 for me. How did I fall so far behind?
Jesus. I’m only at 138. Guess I should, you know, write more.
If memory serves, you did some heavy lifting way back when. That first offseason you threw up some posts about the weather being nasty and that sorta opened the floodgates regarding folks on the site just yakking about whatever.
Does Hooters still have a casino?
You’d think Balls would be keeping abreast of this situation regarding Hooters.
There’s actually a new restaurant called Hooters Wings where they eliminated those pesky girls wearing skimpy outfits and concentrated on what you really go to Hooters for: the food.
In other brilliant business decisions, they closed the casino because casinos don’t make money.
It’s been rebranded as Oyo Hotel & Casino. There is still a Hooters tie-in, but it’s not as obvious.
I don’t know why they went away from the Hooters brand.
TFG must be on the Board of Directors.
No more of this, huh?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HruXnP_n9Y
The girl from my “The Night I Won The Super Bowl” stories later went on to work at the Hooters casino. Not kidding.
Does not surprise me one bit.
Japan: A land of contrasts
-Japanese torture camp, Unit 731.*
*before they really caught their stride
Nigeria! The Canadia! WHO YA GOT??
I got two and a half hours yet…
inshallah, homey. Just trying to START TEH HYPE
You were ready for bed three hours ago. Better get that coffee and meth combo brewing.
(may have taken a 4-hr nap this afternoon)
/not ruling out coffee + trucker speed, tho
I just hope the scoreboard operators don’t abbreviate the country names.
I’m calling Beckie right here and now!
I’ll take the hat.
FREE HAT FREE HAT FREE HAT
Better be our northern sistern, or my pool is off to a shitty start!
I tend to prepare a mango by making a first cut with a paring knife, then peeling it with a vegetable peeler, them cutting every last possible bit away from the pit with the aforementioned knife. The key is to avoid peeling your thumb too.
Those are lovely mangoes.
As a proud person of Spanish descent I would have told those bank patrons to try and learn some rudimentary fucking English before participating in the banking system and stop holding up the fucking line and welcome to the United States of fucking America.
I’m also Irish, a bit of Hebrew, and also a Canadian citizen so don’t get me started on any of those cocksuckers.
Casinos have been penny wise and pound foolish since the corporations started taking over in the 90s.
Call me a sentimentalist, but the gambling game was much better when The Mob ran it.
You just don’t get the real “hands-on” treatment from corporate douches. The real love and affection is the kind only organized crime provides.
The corporates only fuck up your credit rating instead of fucking you up, the human touch is sadly lacking in so many 8nteractions these days.