Good evening. My name is Senor Weaselo, and as some of you know, I play a lot of Jewish events. Weddings, shows, other, you name it.
Despite this, as the Lubovitch have found out in disbelief numerous times when they ask if I want to partake in various religious customs and I’ve had to decline, I am not Jewish. Religious musicians oftentimes are not the same denomination as their work. Padre Weaselo plays at a Baptist church. Hell, I would’ve gone to the Mormon temple and sat in, but they told me on the F train one time that they don’t pay their musicians, they do it for the love of the church, and I had to decline. Also, it would have been awkward strolling in with, like, a matcha latte or something. And by awkward I mean also hilarious.
‘Tis the season (one of the two, the other’s Easter of course) where the churches also get to hire a bunch more musicians, which leads to busy (and happy, on account of almost okay paid) musicians. Saturday afternoon I played a Christmas concert, then Saturday night I played a Jewish show. (I have not gotten into any Muslim events to finish my Abrahamic punch card… yet. But never say never.) And I’m Christmas Eve involves me playing a double. 8:15 carols concert & 9:00 Mass, then going to my friend’s church to play Midnight Mass.
I do like playing Christmas stuff because I actually know the words, so there’s a little bit of fun there. But not all Christmas music is created equal, like that accursed drummer boy. (I unfortunately didn’t make it this year.) There are, of course, songs, like the stuff you’ll normally hear on the radio, and carols, not of the Baskin variety. Often you’ll hear them at church, or maybe other places. That’s the shit we’re ranking tonight, in part because Don T started working on the popular side of things this morning. Does the line blur between carol and song? Yes. May there be debates of what is or isn’t a carol? Yeah, I guess. Am I going to get crucified on this? No, because that’s Good Friday and Easter, wrong holiday.
Without further ado, a non-exhaustive ranking, hopefully better than Classic FM. O Holy Night as #1? I don’t know about that.
First off, let’s go through the dreck, because to sort it all out I made a tier list so I’d get my top [X] from there. You know what? 12 days of Christmas, we’ll make it a top 12 for when we get there. But first, the chaff, from bad to okay:
Drummer Boy Tier: Self-explanatory
The Little Drummer Boy
Not a fan: You may like it, but I don’t, and it’s my list.
Here We Come A-wassailing
The Holly and the Ivy
Personent Hodie (A bit of a surprise, because I like me a good plainchant, but this ain’t it.)
Meh:
Good King Wenceslas (as opposed to Good King Kong Looked Out)
O Come, O Come Emmanuel
O Little Town of Hackensack Bethlehem
Away in a Manger
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
Infant Holy, Infant Lowly
Star of the East
In dulci jublio
All Through the Night
God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Somewhat honorable mentions:
Still, Still, Still
Once in Royal David’s City
We Three Kings of Orient Are
I Saw Three Ships
The First Noel
We Wish You a Merry Christmas (loses points for holding us at song point for figgy pudding, also not sure if it counts as a Carol but Wikipedia counts it)
Definitely honorable mention: (Also known as #s 13 and 14)
Ding Dong Merrily on High (it’s just a lesser version of one of the Angels We Have Heard on High)
I Wonder as I Wander
12. In the Bleak Midwinter
We underrate Gustav Holst, who wrote things other than The Planets.
11. Silent Night
10. The Twelve Days of Christmas
I thought about making the top 12 the names of the things in the 12 days of Christmas, but decided against it.
9. What Child is This?
Fine, fine, it gets hard-carried by being Greensleeves. But Greensleeves is pretty good, and I’m not just saying that because I played it last week.
8. Joy to the World
Also because this is the part where the service usually ends and therefore you can go home. But also the men/women tradeoff in the latter half of each verse is fun. Granted, this may also be because of the first sentence, but it’s my list, dagnabit.
7. O Tannenbaum (Oh, Christmas Tree)
Be glad I didn’t post “Oh Christmas Troy” or, of course, “Decemberween.” Remember, don’t drink Listerine, kids.
6. Carol of the Bells
Or, of course…
Those of you still in the LBDC, you’re welcome, because the entire joke starts with a Little Drummer Boy joke, but someone was able to cut it.
5. O Holy Night
Regrettably, not O Holy Crap. I want to sing this, and at the last big leap of “O night divine,” just… send it. Like, sing the entire song in the lower part of my register, then, boom, falsetto. Three octave leap. Only because I would end up never being able to speak again if I tried four octaves.
4. Angels We Have Heard on High
It’s not Christmas until you hear someone singing “Glooooooooooooooooooooria in excelsis Deo”
3. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Ooh, finally some controversy! Like, does this count? Well, I’ve played it in church, so yes. Something about it gets me misty, maybe the political climate.
2. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Felix Mendelssohn? Check. Descant? Check. Good usage in pop culture because of the gravity it has? Check. I tell you, Mendelssohn converting at least gave us this and the “Reformation” Symphony. (Fuck Wagner regardless, though.)
1. O Come, All Ye Faithful
Four words: Word of the Father.
The stankest chord in all of Christmas, only appearing in the 7th verse. Okay, it’s just a B half-diminished (that’s a minor 7 flat 5 to the jazz cats out there), but you’ve been hearing a B minor chord the previous times. Plus, the descant in the 6th verse (where actually the relevant spot is a G Major chord).
News
-Taylor Heinicke will start for the Falcons for the rest of the season. Yeah, they’re (also) fucked. Arthur Blank “will let the season play out” on Arthur Smith, aka, win the division or kindly get the fuck out.
-In New Jersey news, Tommy Cutlets (aka Dr. Mantis Toboggan aka Tommy DeVito) still went to the pizzeria. Unpaid, to boot. Meanwhile, the Jets are activating Aaron Rodgers, but officially just to practice. Still remarkable, and I look forward to this same shit happening next year, because fuck you, Woody Johnson, that’s why.
Sports?
Hockey Night (before Zaslav shelves it for “tax write-offs”)
Not Horsies vs. Ovi’s Corpse’s Pursuit of Gretzky (NYI vs. WSH, 7:30, TNT)
Fightin’ Ayos vs. FTK (SEA vs. LAK, 10:00, TNT)
JV Hoopsy
Teams you hate for various reasons! Baylor vs. Duke (ESPN, 7:00)
The n+1 Musketeers vs. Fightin’ Weaselos (Xavier vs. St. John’s, FS1, 7:00)
Northweastern vs. ASS U (Northwestern vs. Arizona St., ESPN2, 8:30)
Future Knicks vs. Fightin’ Barrels (Villanova vs. Creighton, FS1, 9:00)
Tweaker Matchup! Pregaming for New Year’s vs. Fat Dog for Winter Break (Alabama vs. Arizona, 11:00, ESPN)
JV WNBA
UConn vs. Toronto Metropolitan Bold (FS2, 6:00)
———
I look forward to your opinions in the comments.
I just bought a steel utility shelf unit on Amazon, and it will be delivered tomorrow.
Sweet.
I live near a reservoir, and the road I live on bisects the reservoir. In times of extreme rain, like the last two weeks, the reservoir will come up over the road and the road will be closed. The town puts up signs at the top of the road, and a partial barrier a little farther down. You can still get around that barrier, because there is a State park entrance and a few houses beyond it.
If I had a dime for every car that has paused at the barrier and then confidently swerved around it, then reappeared a few minutes later after getting to the locked gate across the road just past the park, I would be retired and living in a mansion in the Caribbean.
Just this, all freaking day
This is what the road looks like at the present time.
I promise, the sign is not lying to you.
Ben Shapiro insists that your photo is clearly ‘shopped; there’s nothing in nature that gets that wet.
It was even wetter yesterday, Ben.
/Mrs. Shapiro immediately moves to eastern CT
“If I had a dime for every car that has paused at the barrier . . . I would be retired and living in a mansion in the Caribbean.”
I think you are overestimating here. Assuming that you’d need $100 million to retire and purchase even a small mansion in the Caribbean, possibly even in Haiti, that would mean almost three-quarters of automobiles currently in existence would have swerved around that standing water; driving end-to-end this would be a line of cars stretching 2.8 million miles. If this line of cars were driving down that road at 25 MPH, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it would take over 13 years to pass by you. I find it hard to believe that all these cars could proceed in such a manner without causing significant maintenance headaches for the road surface, such as potholes, broken pavement, and perhaps cutting a trench 50 feet deep with their tires. And remember, this was a conservative estimate.
Nerd.
$100 million seems excessive. I feel like the Cornblowers would be satisfied with a tenth of that. Granted, a 280,000-mile long line of cars would still be impractical and about 11 times the circumference of the glob, but it’s slightly moreso!
It’s VERY excessive. There are plenty of small mansionish type properties for under $500k. This one in St. Lucia looks nice: https://www.sothebysrealty.com/eng/sales/detail/180-l-581-scfycz/westcoast-other-st-lucia-lc
There is “small mansionish” and then there’s mansion. And the property is just the start: there’s the upkeep. Not only the usual staff like cooks, maids, butlers, groundskeepers, chauffeurs, etc, but there are also the security forces you’ll need to employ. And those forces need to be trained, armed, fed, housed, and provided with enough ammo to maintain proficiency. At that point a helicopter would be a prudent addition, so add in pilots, mechanics, fuel, spare parts, etc. This is why millionaire has turned into billionaire, and that’s now 28 miles of cars. It adds up fast, and he doesn’t even have a yacht yet.
I guess it just depends on where on the spectrum we’re talking.
And if we want to get technical and throw in EVEN MORE MATH we really should consider how long he’s been living there and include either compound interest or the proceeds from investing in an index fund at time of dime reciept
I was told there would be no math
I’m also laundering money for the Sinaloa cartel; the cache of dimes is really just gravy.
And now I’ve said too much.
Gotta give a shout to original Christmas carols created in the last 50 years, like this gem:
https://youtu.be/sRzG-3oEseY?si=6f1t6qULs4AXdJI8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDkSu03Sj9A
I just had a thought:
The James Webb discovers evidence of a long, LONG extinct relatively advanced species. Say, whatever the next step of human evolution is. Turns out, they dun fucked up reel bad and wiped themselves out, and we decipher how to avoid doing the same . How does the alt-right make this news about space being woke?
They would make up some shit about how they didn’t worship Jesus and that they were raptured into Gob’s tit to suckle on the nipple of truth.
Goddammit. This is the answer.
“How does the alt-right make this news about space being woke?”
Somewhat different plot, but Adam McKay (or William Collier, depending upon who you believe came up with the idea) kinda covered this in “Don’t Look Up”
Really enjoying this season of Fargo.
The Dr. Mrs. wants us to bring a party of eight to Din Tai Fung – at the mall – on Christmas Eve morning, which is also a Sunday. Sure. That’ll be easy as pie.
We’re busy, so the good news is you’re down to 6.
5 1/2
You know what they say, you dim sum, you lose some.
KRAKEN!! 🐙 🐙
TWEEKER JV hoopsport is quite entertaunment right now.
Why settle for one carol when Tom Lehrer can provide many?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtZR3lJobjw
I am stoned as hell and this is my new favorite thing.
I at least waited till my mid 50s, unlike certain athletes who cost themselves lots of money.
Oh yes, this is good!
.
Pouring a stiff brandy to reward myself for making it through a trip to the mall. Fuck I hate Christmas shopping.
I have to fight each year to renew my abstinence from that ordeal. But abstain I does.*
I will buy toys again when there are human grandchildren. Until then, I provide cash for the kids to buy for each other. They like to shop. Everyone wins. I really, truly want nothing.
*this plan ONLY works if you are also abstaining from sexual congress, but it is truly the only drawback
I mostly avoid it. Usually I give bottles of wine to a few friends, my family lives far away and we don’t exchange gifts, and I’m giving a toy or two to friends’ kids, I can order on Amazon. But this year I had the girlfriend to shop for and no fucking clue what to get, so wandering the mall it was.
Yep – you are having sexual congress. That means shopping. Period, end of, no even ASKING.
I’ve been doing this sex having thing wrong for YEARS. I think I’ve gotten a total of one gift from boyfriends or whoever across all birthdays, holidays, valentines etc
Is “sexual Congress” what that Senate aide was having in that video?
Oh your grandchildren days are coming. Heed well my droogie. They’re coming.
But now you can give the most obnoxious gifts. Including Legos!
Payback is nigh I says.
Nae internet shoppies for ye?
He can shop here!
https://www.liberator.com/
I got a great massage today, one of those ones where they have the bars and walk on your back. The lady said I was very strong, so I guess my shoulders must have been super tight, feeling good now though!
I loved my kids being the exact right age for walking on one’s back (around 4-7, FWIW)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqKK0vZTwhg&ab_channel=Venator%235507
Bad, Terrible, Horrible, Blair Witch
Random updates:
-one of the Christmas lights strands got cut just below the plugs so not sure if I can fix it as the wire was baked into the plug and is cut right at the end of the plug and I haven’t found anything as a replacement on Amazon yet
-today’s both of my kids birthday. Happy 18th and 21st birthday “in game changes” and “halftime adjustment
-so for their birthday we went out for dinner in which I heard some Jamaican version of the LDB. I would not have noticed but Mrs GTD laughed and pointed it out to me, along with something like “rum PA dum done”. FAWK
I too have been burned by a Caribbean version of the LDB.
Can you cut off the strand higher up, strip the wires and stick on a generic plug? That’s what I ended up doing when I melted the cord on my immersion cooker
I will if I can find a generic plug. That’s the problem is that it’s not one that appears to be made
They do, just type 3 prong replacement plug, would at least give you an idea, or find a non-working item, cut away from the plug and wire you lights to the new plug.
What he said. Use lots of electrical tape!
Bummer Mon
Both your kids have the same birthday, three years apart? Wow, you’re screwed
And they share it with my BIL
Just buy one present and have them fight each other for it.
He certainly was on or about March 20, 2002 and 2005 respectively.
March Madness means something else entirely at the GTD abode.
He kept claiming to he got the snip so he could take those days off.
Lady tested him each time and he failed.
As I’ve explained dozens, if not hundreds, of times, I DID get snipped.
Oh right, we’re not talking about me..
That actually seems super convinient. One day to remember and once they’re old enough to appreciate cash gifts instead of parties you just give em some money and do one nice dinner
Was a pain when they were younger but we’re almost to the dinner and gift stage
The Kraken are about to be released in LA. Be prepared and alert.
I was warned about it so I fled to the eastern seaboard.
Coward!
That is the first item on my resume.
Wenceslas was a duke, not a king! Man, people bitch about grade inflation these days, but universities got nothing on the Catholic Church
William was just a duke until he decided to go conquer some dreary island north of Normandy
Good King Wence’s car/
Backed out on a piece of Stephen!
Oooh, I kind of want to go watch the Peanuts Christmas special now. I think this is the most festive I’ve felt in at least a decade
I’ve talked before about my robe collection, but one thing I haven’t mentioned is that it’s a mix of men’s and women’s marketed robes. I buy whichever is cheaper or styled the way I like because there is no actual difference in fit. Ya know, because it’s a shapeless draping garment where the only sizing consideration is how much fabric it has.
Seriously, why are robes gendered?? It’s just as inexplicable as men’s and women’s backpacks, which really should be called long and short backpacks. I have a long torso so I buy men’s backpacks, but who knows how many people out there are buying something that doesn’t fit right because of how it’s named?
I wonder if there is (at least notionally, or originally) a bias in length and/or cut? Sure, for a giant fluffy robe it’s all of a piece, but my wife’s lighter robe is definitely shorter with more fabric up top than my equivalent.
I haven’t really noticed a difference in length if you buy the equivalent size in the same style (the size charts are different, but there’s a pretty clear mapping). There are usually both long and short styles available across the board. Maybe pocket placement is a bit different? Or maybe there’s a few places that have a difference but most don’t? Men’s robes do seem to go on sale more often, and there’s a difference in colors/patterns offered for sure, but that doesn’t seem to be enough to deviate from unisex branding. I mean, ANYONE should be able to wear fuzzy pink leopard print!
As long as the robe isn’t of super-stretchy material, they should be fairly easy to tailor. So you could just buy the biggest one that isn’t any more expensive than the others and make it fit perfectly, if such was a worthwhile use of your time.
Sure, and I’m a fan of a slightly oversize robe, but what even is there to tailor? You literally wrap it around yourself and belt it. I guess you could hem the sleeves or make it shorter, but otherwise the only way it wouldn’t fit is if there isn’t enough fabric. Even if you’re doing the slinky sexy thing that’s more about the type of fabric and how it’s tied
I’ve gone to see Handel’s Messiah a couple times as a Christmas thing, and went to a Wigilia dinner with carol sing at the Polish embassy one time which was fun even if I don’t actually know any carols in Polish.
I didn’t see any figgy pudding at Trader Joe’s tonight which is a shame since I totally would have gotten some and tried to eat it in front of some carolers without sharing
“Oh, you want some figgy pudding?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYL5H46QnQ
I appreciate the versatility of “O Holy Night” – memorable versions performed by Weezer, and Eric Cartman.
Also the Al Capone Choir on February 14th, 1929.
7-3 Duke is ranked #21 in the country. They gotta love that legacy bounce.
I have been that impressed by a legacy bounce since Eva Amurri.
Holy cats, that is mesmerising
Given the way she cut her teeth (as a stripper in Californication) I’m a little surprised there aren’t more gifs that are applicable to my joke.
I may have to watch that now.
That has to hurt.
To be fair, I haven’t seen all of his glamour shots, but Slim Pickens has never looked better than this!
Infant Holy Infant Lowly is a hit in the Horatio household….
“Hate that infant. I mean, song.” – Steve Smith
I prefer O Come O Come Emmanuelle.
Does she ransom your captive Israel?
Emmanuelle in Space was better, but they’re both good.
The greatest movie series of all time.
I don’t know, there were definitely some duds in there.
There are many Emmanuelles, but all are brunette. I like that attention to detail. Lets me know I am self-abusing to a QUALITY product.
I have a soft spot for Do You Hear What I Hear? Gumby and i never bothered to learn the words, so Oh Christmas Tree has many na na na na naaaa’s in it.
And this is the best Xmas song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRiYKf19T-k
My daughter has chosen Shady Glen for her almost birthday dinner.
One of these with onion rings and a chocolate shake. And I’ll see my cardiologist in hell.
Cheese skirt!
She got an opened Alien egg?
That’s more of a springtime event.