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Wumbo Wednesday With Weaselo Presents the [Door Flies Open] 2023 Guide to Fantasy Football Names!

Senor Weaselo

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Long-winded? Yes. Self-explanatory? Also yes. Will I still explain it? Third yes.

Welcome to a longstanding tradition passed down the years through various websites that we have cared to frequent. It’s your guide to fantasy football names! I’m your host, Senor Weaselo.

A good fantasy football team name has many things. Humor, random cultural references, risqué material, football references. Essentially, it’s what the Wikipedia article on the old site referred to as its (and DFO’s) genre, high-minded vulgarity. It is, in itself, an art form.

So, we’ve collected and come up with some good ones from, well, whoever’s brain. Is this an exhaustive list? Heck no. Feel free to come up with your own good ones below, or horde it for yourselves.

Without further ado:

NFL/NFL Related
Jetski Holiday
RB Cratchit
Alien vs. Watson (or, Alien vs. Matt Gaetz)
Stefon’s Shtreimels (I am obligated to take this if I draft Stefon Diggs)
Hackett (and) Slash
Canton Darkness Retreat
Monsters of the MID
Gambling Suspensions sponsored by DraftKings
God of WR
Johnny iPad
Johnny and Kyler’s Film Room
M&M Films
The Micah Parsons Project
Turnstilin’ on ‘Em
Coach Prime’s Blood Clot (WCS)
Kickstart My Heart (Sharkbait)
Blindsided (GTD)
Koach Kliff Khaos (Hippo)
Late Night Boutte Call (Sharkbait)

JV Footy (sure, we’ll take it)
Suicide PAC
A&PCC

Other non-footy sports (eh, get started for next season!)
Wanderlust (my best friend from HS)
Down in Front of Us
Process of Alienation
One-Man League

General Cultural References
John-Jacob Barbenheimer Schmidt
PEACHES (or Daisies if you think she’s the superior princess)
X
Only Murders in Small Town X
Xitteratti

Politics
George Santos Imaginarium
Mar-a-Lago Storage Facility
Hunter Biden’s Penus (Hippo, “spelled in Gob Bluth”)
Affirmative Action’s Caskey (Jalen Ramsey Show)
Z Sunflower Receivers
Hamberders & Indict Cokes
Four Seasons Bail Bonds

DFO-Specific and Others
Hobo Shank Steak
ChatGPTSD
Mountain Dew DNA Remover
Scrotal Recall (Spam)
Get Bris or Die Trying (Reverend)
Houston Texans

These, and more, can be yours, if you only see what the inner machinations of your brain can come up with! Now for news.

-Chiefs DT Chris Jones is saying that he’s willing to hold out until Week 8 regarding his contract. Jones has one season left on his 4 year, $80M deal. Andy Reid stated “there’s been no communication” with Jones.

-Titans CB Caleb Farley’s house exploded, likely from a gas leak. Unfortunately, his father was found dead in the debris and another person was injured.

-Commies WR Terry McLaurin’s MRI came back with no major damage to his toe and the team hopes he’ll be able to make Week 1. He’s listed as day-to-day.

-Panthers RB Miles Sanders (groin) also expects to be ready for Week 1.

-On the other hand, WR Corey Davis announced his retirement on Instagram.

Sports on tonight:
Baseball
New York’s *flip a coin* More Disappointing Baseball Team vs. *angry chopping intensifies* (NYM vs. ATL) (7:20, MLBN)
Northeast Team I Hate vs. Texan Team I Hate (BOS vs. HOU) (8:10, MLBN)

LLWS action:
Nolansville, TN vs. El Segundo, CA (7:00, ESPN)

ESPN The Ocho (replays) (on ESPNEWS)
Omegaball (3-team, 5-aside lesser footy) (8:00)
Dodgeball (9:00)
Kickball (10:00)
Quadball (formerly Muggle Quidditch) (11:00)

GAMBLOR Special!
Central American Cup: CD Aguila San Miguel (El Salvador) vs. CSD Comunicaciones (Guatemala) (10:00, FS2)

Early Bird Chess!
FIDE Chess World Cup Final/3rd Place Tiebreakers from Baku, Azerbaijan (approx. 6 AM tomorrow streaming on YouTube, also Free Artsakh)
Championship: Magnus Carlsen (World #1, current GOAT track, though he has food poisoning) vs. Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa (youngest finalist, just turned 18, beat both Hikaru Nakamura [#2] and Fabiano Caruana [#3] in tourney)
Third Place: Fabiano Caruana (World #3 by Elo, probably #2 after this tournament) vs. Nijat Abosov (hometown Cinderella story of the tournament, currently ranked #97 by FIDE)

Lastly, can the Yankees accomplish a feat they haven’t done since before World War I when Frank Chance (of Tinker to Evers to Chance fame) was manager? Well, Luis Severino’s pitching, so I’d say it’s a pretty good chance.

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[…] like last year’s and the year before’s, we’ve got things broken into sections. Some might work better […]

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clint greasewood

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Senor Weaselo

Pray for Spam, because Ohtani tore his UCL and will not pitch again this season.

2
Mr. Ayo

Thoughts and prayers. I definitely wasn’t taunting him just last night about Ohtani.

1
Mr. Ayo

Oh shit, and Trout is going back to the IL. Halos gonna Halo.

1
Redshirt

I was afraid it was that. When I heard elbow and reduced speed, I immediately thought of Tommy John.

2
Brick Meathook

Ah, the always entertaining DFO Political Discussion

2
Senor Weaselo

The rare gig-related potential name, straight from today: Facefucking Sesame Chicken

2
blaxabbath

I wish there was an old Simpsons joke about India landing a craft on the lunar surface.

It’d be perfect here.

1
SonOfSpam

Unfortunately, Poochie died on the way to his home planet.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apuuchie?

1
fleshwound_NPG

love watching the llws, the bloomin onion to the prime dirtbaw watching season (sept pennant/wildcard races abound, fuck watching baseball before august)

the stella weaver run at the llws was cool as all hell to watch, but i felt espn put a tad too much spotlight on her

nah, not because she’s a just a 12 year old girl, but come on…even *I* knew do NOT get attached to sports teams from tennessee; you KNOW how it ends

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Wakezilla

Here’s something that’ll make you feel old:

There was a feature about Purple Jesus on and kids were tweeting the creator & mocking him because he called Peterson AD, not AP. Those kids didn’t know Peterson ‘s nickname was AD 😳

4
SonOfSpam

Allreadytobeatatoddler’sgenitalareauntilthereare
Darkbruises

3
Mr. Ayo

Abuse
DoozNutz

3
blaxabbath

This generation doesn’t value running backs.

2
Redshirt

DeSantis looks like Alfred E. Newman.

0
WCS

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Doktor Zymm

I wanna know who the 9 other people were who were stupid enough to get on that plane

0
ballsofsteelandfury

From what I read, it was full of Wagner higher ups.

4
WCS

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Redshirt

If true, that’s less a hitjob and more Suicide by Cop.

2
Brick Meathook

“Is being special flight to glorious future! Join, comrades!”

2
Redshirt

FC Cincy and Inter Miami CF is in a Shootout in the US Open Semis.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

So, apparently Barbie was modelled after a German sex worker?

https://youtu.be/xEDV5xZp4nY?si=pe6pchOll_FMJtpm

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Wakezilla

Yup. Did you get that nugget from the Barbie movie?

1
SonOfSpam

Yes, Klaus Barbie.

2
Redshirt

If anyone is watching the debates, when it comes to acceptable Republican alternatives, on a scale of Perfectly Acceptable to Hysterical Laughtercrying, how screwed am I in next year’s election?

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King Hippo

Tim Scott? I mean, he’s worth your primary vote, I guess. Can’t hardly say that about anyone else.

It’s why we all must pray every night that Perfectly Acceptable Diamond Joe stays alive. Or at least -ish.

1
Redshirt

The Democratic Party has had 8 years of this shit. How do they not have someone in their farm system ready to take over by now?!

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ballsofsteelandfury

EXACTLY!!

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WCS

CAUSE WE’RE HORRIBLE AT POLITICS

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Julian Castro, but he’s kinda on the outs with Biden after his campaign went down in flames in 2020.

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SonOfSpam

lol there’s Harris (who people hate for some WEIRD reason), Newsom (from COMMIEFORNIA), Mayor Pete (yawn from me, but he’s fine), Jeffries (after he’s Speaker for a bit), Gov. Gretch, and also a left-of-center veggie tray would make a better president than any Fascist asshole, I mean, conservative.

The point is, one party wants to run the country to help the majority of its people, and the other loves fascism, so don’t fret about the Dem bench.

2
King Hippo

Gretchen Whitmer is not tanned, but rested and ready. It would just be bloody as a severed jugular to get her to the nomination NOW.

Thus, Diamond Joe, punt to 2028.

1
SonOfSpam

Yeah, barring health issues, it’s Joecephus next year period.

2028 is honestly probably Harris. State AG, US Senator, then 8 years as VP. I’d bet a couple shekels she’s the next nominee post-Joe.

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ballsofsteelandfury

You want the Republicans to win in 2028?

There is no way in hell Americans will vote for a woman president let alone a woman of color.

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SonOfSpam

Disagree totally. Americans voted in Hillary by 2 million votes and she was HATED.

The GOP ain’t winning a national election until they reckon with Trump, so 2028 will be a Dem. Just depends on which one.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Trump will be dead by 2028.

I’m sorry, I forgot about President Hillary…

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SonOfSpam

lol yes I know she lost but that’s because people in Wyoming have their votes count for much more than ours, because…reasons?

And I was wrong…she beat Trump by closer to 3 million than 2.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Kinda my point

1
SonOfSpam

Then I missed it which is fine, let’s drink and discuss asses.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Can we do a Duke Brothers bet from Trading Places?

1
SonOfSpam

Always up for a bet, even if it’s high dollar.

1
fleshwound_NPG

it took a giant collapse for murica to vote for a man of color as prez

it took a plague for murica to vote for a woman of color as VP

its gonna take BOTH for harris to win…

(on the bright side, the GOP is actively trying to conjure both as we speak)

2
SonOfSpam

But you overestimate the alternative which is…?

0
Redshirt

I’m think Scott or Christie. I had heard good things about Ramaswamy, but I heard him on CNN and he came across like a more refined version of Trump or Ted Cruz but with charisma.

0
Gumbygirl

He wants to change the voting age to 25. Fuck that, fuck him.

5
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With exceptions for those who serve in the military, though! Fascist motherfucker thinks Starship Troopers is an instruction manual.

I watched him hit tennis balls, though, he’s pretty good at that.

1
Senor Weaselo

Which would need a Constitutional amendment, and good luck getting 3/4 of the states to ratify “The sky is blue.”

0
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Ramaswamy is legitimately tech-bro insane

3
scotchnaut

As far as the quality of the Republican Alternatives are concerned, you’re not going to get screwed at all, at best you’ll get a very slight ball tugging.

1
blaxabbath

It’s going to be the Libertarian ticket.

0
DJ TAJ

White people sure have produced a lot of ugly.

2
WCS

One thing we’re very good at!

0
King Hippo

It’s surprised we got invited to do the Humpty Hump, y’all

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Brick Meathook

I disagree

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Brick Meathook

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2
Brick Meathook

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scotchnaut

My love of the Monty Python aesthetic compels me to post this with no context whatsoever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeXfP4sbw1k&ab_channel=CarlKingLewis

2
SonOfSpam

Needs more Gabe Kaplan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSw2cFXx44g&ab_channel=ForgottenMedia

1
scotchnaut

Back when The Battle of the Network Stars really mattered!

4
blaxabbath

Interpol Spokesman says Pringozhin was victim to a well-defined aircraft sabotage scheme. Investigators have seen this same modus operandi in multiple other cases of Russian executions. The name of this international assassin?

You guessed it.

Frank Stallone.

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5
Mr. Ayo

I’m starting to think that guy is kind of a jerk!

3
Brick Meathook

OJ killed his wife, some waiter, and Pringozhin.

4
Senor Weaselo

Hey, if the wing doesn’t fit, you must acquit!

0
litre_cola

Who would have thought a qb who went to school in North Dakota didn’t have proper game speed?

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scotchnaut

America: [throws a few indictments at a former president]

Putin: “Oh! [waves hands around making a sarcastic face] You dumb fucking Americans with your ‘Fuck Around And Find Out’! [spits on ground in Russian] All you need to do is push a button! So easy!”

5
ballsofsteelandfury

So true

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thinking about Pringles’ final moments and wondering if his thoughts were anything like the ones of Yamamoto as imagined by Neal Stephenson in this chapter of Crytonomicon.

https://tentacle.net/~chrisr/bookshelf/Stephenson,%20Neal%20-%20Cryptonomicon/slide41.html

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My favorite bit:

It especially explains why Yamamoto—who ought to be sipping green tea and practicing calligraphy in a misty garden—is, in point of fact, on fire and hurtling through the jungle at a hundred miles per hour in a chair, closely pursued by tons of flaming junk.

Though to be historically accurate, Yamamoto was most likely already dead at this point, via a bullet to the head from the attacking P-38.

2
blaxabbath

You know I’m not reading all that.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you think *that’s* a lot to read, you should check out the whole thing. It’s over 1000 pages.

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blaxabbath

Fuck that book and fuck fake root beer!

2
BugEyedBoo

Too bad the ending kind of sucks. It has that Neal Stephenson ending style, where it just kind of stops.

0
blaxabbath

Like the Ashlii Babbit autobiography.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There are few things in life that are certain, but one of them is that I will never get tired of Ashlii Babbit jokes.

0
SonOfSpam

I like Ray Smith’s mug shot best; he’s going for “tough guy” but only managed to achieve “petulant baby with unfortunate hair”

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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4
SonOfSpam

21 Grump Street

3
blaxabbath

Sheriff Patrick Labat has his name in the history books.

AZ has a State Mine Inspector gig I’m gonna go get someday.

3
litre_cola

Squiggy!

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blaxabbath

Me: Why do i feel naseuous when working out?

The First Article’s Banner Image:
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blaxabbath

THIS KEN CHEESEBRO I CALL HIM AARON HERNANDEZ BECAUSE THAT’S ONE HANDSOME PATRIOT WHO WON’T BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE PENITENTIARY BUTT-SEX FOR MORE THAN A COUPLE YEARS UNTIL HE DOES HIMSELF IN!

1
Brick Meathook

I think some Russian generals might be a tad nervous right now.

2
litre_cola

Never agree to a meeting above the 2nd floor.

4
blaxabbath

They knew the risks they were taking when they chose to be Russian!

7
scotchnaut

This is the most Russian evergreen comment ever.

2
blaxabbath

Everfrozentundra

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scotchnaut

Prigozhin was playing third-dimensional chess and Putin was playing with explosives.

5
Brick Meathook

He sent an armored force to the capital and then stopped halfway there. Dude, if you try to kill the king you better kill him.

5
ballsofsteelandfury

THIS.

As soon as he stopped, I knew he was dead.

7
blaxabbath

In Mother Russia, Government slams plane into Terrorist Pennsylvania field!

1
blaxabbath

Dude couldn’t beat Ukraine. Why am i not surprised he lost to Putin?

Vlad really should just bring over Mike Flynn to run their war machine.

3
scotchnaut

“Run”? You spelled “Ruin” wrong.

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blaxabbath

Re: Affirmative Action’s Casket

It looks like EGG drove that bitch straight into the ground. I’m only really interested in it bc if that JRS post but, best I can tell…well look, remember when Kansas went full Darnold with Brownback and the Kansas Experiment? That’s about what WVU did ( they grossly overestimated enrollment for long term budget projections…. and long term is now now).

And now EGG is just waking away. I can’t say enough bad things about the fraternity that operates the nation’s major public universities.

0
WCS

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1
WCS

E. Gordon Gee does it again! He’s the Space Karen of higher education administrators.

1
blaxabbath

You let him go in the Sun?!

0
Downfield Matriculator

Four Indictments and a Funeral

/for the optimists out there

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

God it would be satisfying if one of them blew their own brains out. So satisfying.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
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blaxabbath

One of the nobodies in GA. Like the clowns who copied the data. The entire Cult would turn on them before the brainmatter was dry.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

I dunno. Robert Smith is a pretty nice guy!

– Gumby

2
Senor Weaselo

Of course historical shit happens after I put this in the can.

2
WCS

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scotchnaut

If only you had control over time and human action. Maybe try a little harder next time, huh?

1
blaxabbath

.

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2
WCS

Vlad’s Discount Airlines

7
Brick Meathook

Upon examination of the shrapnel-riddled wreckage, Russian authorities have fixed the cause as “passenger error.”

6
blaxabbath

Shouldn’t like Dan Crenshaw be “asking questions” because no one ever suggested this flight was going anywhere other than to…..

You guessed it.

Hunter Biden Island

2
WCS

Ben Gazzi is still at large!

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa

See this is what happens when you let state employees work from home. Someone’s cat walks across the keyboard while they’re processing important birth certificate paperwork.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
1
Senor Weaselo

In fairness he’s Indian.

0
blaxabbath

NATIVE AMERICAN!!!!

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rudy Jailiani.

6
Brick Meathook

Looks like Putin is cleaning up some loose ends.

1
BeefReeferLives

“Putin’s Loose Ends” sounds like a name any team I would be in charge of should have…

4
blaxabbath

BeefReeferLives: [opens mail from the court]

Mail: You’re getting punished like Emillo Estevez in Mighty Ducks for getting that dui. Show up with a new name for your kids team, District 5, at 6:30pm on Thursday, August…..

0
WCS

“PEACHES (or Daisies if you think she’s the superior princess)”

No comment.

3
BeefReeferLives

Last quote from the bit, IIRC: “At Black Angus, your name is Peaches”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM_xDjhkOU4

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