How to Enjoy a Baseball Game

Training camp is a long way off, and mock drafts are for the twisted and depraved. So you can fill that time with alcohol, drugs, extreme macramé, and waiting for each installment of Hard Ride to Nowhere, or you could attend a baseball game. (Forget watching baseball on TV, I tried that once, got shit-hammered on Bulleitt bourbon and Miller Lite (yes, I’m a plebian) and woke up in Secaucus with a tattoo of the Andrews Sisters on my chest.)

Let me present this how to guide, and by no means should it be taken as gospel truth. I do submit that this process has been field tested. (As you read this article, imagine that I don’t have children, a wife, a dog, or other responsibilities – I do an excellent job at this kind of imagining.)

1. Pick a good ballpark to visit. I live in Baltimore, and Camden Yards is amazing. You want a bar that serves fans, and offers stupid ass drink specials. (Whenever I go to a professional sporting event, I buy my best friend and me shots of Fireball. He hates it, but will drink it because I talk shit like we’re back in high school at a keg party.)

2. Think about your food options. You want to have a good base to absorb some of the alcohol, but not so much that you spend $200 on ballpark liquor and/or beer. Check in advance to see if you can bring eats into the park. This can save you money, which can be spent on ballpark liquor and/or beer.

3. Get a good buzz going – this is nothing new to you DFOers. I would expect the majority of DFOers to smash down a handle of Popov vodka and still be able to land a 747 in a blinding Wisconsin snowstorm. Getting your brain into “game mode” is vital to enjoying what could be a pitcher’s duel.

4. Now get into the park, walk around and enjoy the sights. (If I’m not being clear, enjoy watching females in summer clothes, walking around and being drunk and flirty. They will not be wearing yoga pants, they save those for football games.)

5. Find your seats, this is confusing because you will be half in the bag thanks to your favorite ballpark liquor and/or beer. Luckily, there are ushers dressed in goofy uniforms – Camden Yards ushers are on average 83 years old, have more hair in their noses and ears than on their heads, and hate fans like Mrs. Fozz hates me after a home Ravens game.

6. Soak in the field. Seriously, the field at a baseball game combines the landscape beauty of a graveyard, golf course, and a snotty ass country club’s front lawn. The dirt is always a perfect shade of brown – like a good stout, or chocolate drizzled over Kate Upton’s boobs.

7. Get a scorecard, look at it, realize that filling out a scorecard at a baseball game is rewarding to shut-ins, the mentally deranged, and fat guys who live in their parents’ basement and collect anime DVDs and sorority girls who fell into traps that were hidden in the front yard.

8. Start watching the game. If people around you start talking boring baseball strategy drivel, where they cite stats and similar game situations that occurred at Ebbets Field on June 4, 1934, you can legally punch them in the face. Or ingest more of your preferred ballpark liquor and/or beer.

9. Begin to heckle. Do not be choosy. You can heckle players, managers, little kids, the mascots, and even older women. Do not heckle the guy selling beer. Please refrain from reenacting the scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Be original.

10. Consider leaving, you’ve watched a few innings, and it’s 0-0. It’s hot and humid. The ass and crotch area of your shorts resembles a mangrove swamp in Florida. Go find an air conditioned bar and discuss the chances of your favorite football team for the upcoming season while practicing your hatred for the Patriots.