Nobody’s Chargers 2023 Season Preview: The Happiest Place

INTERIOR – DISNEYLAND PARKING LOT, ANAHEIM, CA – MORNING

JUSTIN HERBERT: Oh boy oh boy! I’m so excited to finally get that authentic Hollywood experience! Somewhere where I can be just like all the locals! I can’t wait to try Wolfgang Puck’s for lunch!

[Looks around the otherwise empty parking lot with a smile]

HERBERT: Well all-right! I got here before anyone else! That local SoCal travel blog really gave me some good tips!  What’s next? [Glances down at phone]

HERBERT: [Walking] BOLTMFAN#1 recommends taking the red elevator on the west side of the garage, “despite it’s unusual rocking appearance, oh yeah!” [Giggles] He’s really into this stuff!

[As HERBERT rounds a corner, the garage darkens and the décor changes dramatically, but he is too busy with his phone to notice until he reaches a dead end]

HERBERT: [Startled] Whoa! Is that…? I mean, it’s certainly red, but, uh… [Glances around nervously, then looks down and sighs] Alright, Justin, it’s time to man up! Just like the first half of last season’s playoff game. How badly do you want to ride It’s a Small World?

[The elevator door slowly creaks open on its own. HERBERT takes a few steps inside before the abruptly door slams shut behind him.]

HERBERT: [Laughing sheepishly] Isn’t it a little early for Halloween? [Scrolling quickly on his phone] Did they put the old Tower of Terror ride in the parking lot or something?

[The lights go black and the elevator begins descending at a rapid pace. HERBERT squeals in horror.]

[The elevator comes to an abrupt halt and HERBERT falls to the ground in a heap as the door opens to a dimly lit hallway]

HERBERT: [Standing up and dusting himself off] Jiminy Cricket, what a fall! Dean’s Legal Team is going to be hearing about this! [Glancing back at his phone] And I’ll be updating my review…

…as soon as I get service again. Now, where am I?

HERBERT: [Stepping out into the hall] This must be some kind of old maintenance area. It looks, original to the park itself. [Glancing back at his phone] But it says here this structure wasn’t built until the 2000’s… Oh man, that reminds me of one of my favorite albums!

[Save for the occasional sound of water dripping, the silence is only broken from the groan of the hallway itself, rustily settling under it’s own weight]

HERBERT: [Now humming Poker Face as he slowly walks forward] This place looks creepier than Eddie Murphy’s Haunted Mansion!

[As if in response, a horrible scream begins echoing down the halls, followed by many more in tandem. HERBERT’S eyes grow wide and he begins running, and running and running until he stops short of breath.]

HERBERT: [Panting] I… I swear I’ve run past this same door… at least 5 times now. Why does she… look like that?

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[In the dusty old equipment room, KENNAN ALLEN is illuminated by a single overhead light. He is tied to a chair with a gag tied around his face. Every few seconds, he shrieks in agony as sparks fly from a car battery propped up on a pile of old pads. HERBERT rushes over and removes the gag]

HERBERT: Kennan! I never thought I’d run into you at Disneyland!

ALLEN: [Screaming] JESUS CHRIST! This isn’t Disneyland, man! It lured me here with what I wanted most! And it got you with–GRAHHHH!!!! …fucking DISNEYLAND?!?!

HERBERT: [Matter-of-factly] Well, I don’t expect you to understand, but I’ve never been and ever since I re-watched Even Stevens during the offseason—

ALLEN: Shut up and get me the fuck out of here!

[HERBERT sighs and begins untying him from the chair. Sparks fly one final time before ALLEN leaps up shrieking, but lands perfectly on his feet.]

ALLEN: I’m back, baby!

HERBERT: Yes! So, are you ready to go ride Thunder Mountain?

???: THUNDER MOUNTAIN?! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[The color drains from ALLEN’S face as a voice speaks from the darkness. In one motion, he pushes HERBERT to the ground and runs past him to the open door.]

ALLEN’S KNEE: [POP]

ALLEN: FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

BOLTMAN: [Emerging from the shadows] BOLTMAN WOULD LOVE TO SHOW YOU HIS THUNDEROUS MOUNTAIN! [Pelvic thrusts repeatedly]

HERBERT: [Visibly shaking with flopsweat] You–you’re… Are you a Ma-ma-marvel character?

BOLTMAN: [Jumping onto a nearby table] BOLTMAN IS A MARVELOUS CHARACTER INDEED, YOUNG HERETIC! NOW, HOLD STILL! BOLTMAN HAS BEEN ON A VIOLENT FEEMES KICK AND NEEDS A NEW XYLOPHONE!

[HERBERT gets to his feet and runs for the door, past a crawling ALLEN. The DOOR FLIES SHUT behind him and the screams from earlier resume with the addition of wet ripping and tearing sounds.]

HERBERT: [Running back down the hallway] HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?!

HERBERT: There! There’s light coming from up there!

[HERBERT crashes through the door ahead of him and slams it shut behind him. As he pants and drops to his knees, he turns to see a new horror.]

HERBERT: THIS ISN’T [wheeze] DISNEYLAND!

[The door behind him suddenly flies open, sending him sprawling forward]

BOLTMAN: [Emerging with his new instrument] DO YOU LIKE BOLTMAN’S XYLO-BONE?! YOUR FEMURS WILL MAKE EXCELLENT HAMMERS!

[HERBERT’S screams echo into the night, followed shortly by the solo from Gone Daddy Gone]

[HARD CUT]

INTERIOR – OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE, COSTA MESA, CA – AFTERNOON

DEAN SPANOS: And you’re saying none of these luxury frames are covered by my insurance?

OPTOMOTRIST: [Sighing] No, sir, Medicaid does not–

SPANOS: [Cutting him off] FINE! [Chuckles and glances around nervously] That’s fine! I’ll just take…

OPTOMOTRIST: They really compliment your, uh, face, sir.

SPANOS: How much?

OPTOMOTRIST: Just your co-pay, from the look of it. Go see Tina down the hall and she’ll charge you out.

[Cut to SPANOS nervously looking searching for an exit]

SPANOS: There’s gotta be a fire door back here or…what do we have here?

Since this team has left for smoggier pastures, I have watched less than 20 hours of NFL football. I have tried to write previews for them the last two seasons and just couldn’t muster the effort. This team will go something between 10-7 to 12-5 and have to settle for a Wild Card spot, because mercifully, Patrick Mahomes exists and will box out the Spanos Clan from ever winning the division and hosting a home playoff game.

[Lights candle]

A quick search has determined that the new sacrificial Kicker for the season is named Cameron Dicker, which couldn’t be more perfect for this team. He will cost them at least two games with a missed extra point or chip-shot as time expires.

Fuck them, fuck Dean Spanos and I will not settle until it all goes Chernobyl.

[Stadium and Xylo-bone images created using Adobe Express AI]

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