Oh boy, folks. It’s time to watch 10 crazy people yell at each other tonight.
Here is your list of lunatics, in descending order of poll results that don’t in any way matter yet:
The Donald
Jeb (Yep Another) Bush
Scott (Fuck the Poors) Walker
Ben (No Matter What He Says, He’s Somehow A Freaking Doctor) Carson
Mike (It’s So Bad That I’m Here) Huckabee
Ted (Yes, This Is My Dad’s Suit) Cruz
Rand (Sure, I Invented My Own Ophthalmology Certification Board) Paul
Marco (Where’s My Water) Rubio
Chris (Real Life Sopranos Governor) Christie
John (Who?) Kasich
Have at it, folks. We’ll be here all night to be just goddamned awful about these terrible people.
Also, some of these guys were very easy to find a ridiculous picture of (looking at you Ted Cruz) and some people, while they are lunatics, never take a dumb looking picture (Thanks Ben Carson. That’s 10 minutes I’ll never get back…).
All jokes aside, I would totally vote for Tebow over any of these guys. At least he seems like he’s genuinely a nice person.
If it comes to that, I’ll do us both.
Did anyone tell RobotsFightingDinosaurs to put off his Twitch feed until this debate is over? I’m going to need some legitimate laughs after this.
nope, robots are fighting dinosaurs RIGHT NOW
this clown shoes billionaire is richer than i thought
— me, and definitely not forbes magazine
This is already beyond salvage.
It’s so cringe-inducing. This is all more awkward than me at 19.
I just told lady snow that Huckabee in a system with fewer checks and balances would be basically Hitler. Beat this hot take.
Hitler had some good ideas.
How the fuck you doin’, boys!
/slaps Cruz on the ass, HARD
I feel like this debate needs some Rexy
Ryan/Ryan 2016!
Are you sure you slapped Cruz on the ass and not his face? They’re very very similar.
Dumb & Dumberer & Dumbererer &…
That is not how you do a semantic data analysis.
Leave the Jews out of this.
As long as no one investigated my background, and I got a lot of Botox so I could keep a straight face, I could totally spew enough shit to be a viable Republican token female candidate.
My wife is in the room and doesn’t want me watching the debate. “You’ll just get pissed off about how stupid these guys are and how anyone who votes for them is an idiot, and I don’t wanna listen to you go on and on about it.”
I’m trying to find a weakness in her argument, but it’s pretty solid.
Tell her you’re watching with all your internet frien–oh, that probably won’t help.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
And it hasn’t even started!
I have already switched to live Big Brother at behest of the kids. For once, this raised the IQ of the TV viewing experience.
So, CNN is awful.
OK, on to Fox. Even MORE awful.
It really is. I don’t understand how Bourdain ended up there.
How did Fox allow this non-blonde woman on air?
Related; How did I get tricked into watching Fox News?
PFTCommenter just did a Periscope.
I know y’all were a little confused when I first introduced this Periscope thing to y’all, but I have a feeling he would be worth getting Periscope.
I like the fantasy world that I live in way more than the fantasy world FOX News lives in.
Right now on MSNBC are blow hards preforming self fellatio patting themselves on the back for asking prepared questions.
HAVEN’T THE PEOPLE OF CLEVELAND SUFFERED ENOUGH
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51p5VD3jg5L._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg
Carly Fiorina’s spent a mint trying to buy an election here in Commiefornia, and now she’s embarrassing herself on the national stage (in front of like 8 people). Don’t really have anything to add, other than that her face is off-putting.
It’s really funny how she got her ass handed to her here and, in her mind, figured the next logical natural step was the presidency.
There’s nowhere to go but UP, baby!
You gotta position yourself for that next book deal somehow.
Has there been a worse CEO of anything than Fiorina was a CEO of HP?
The current CEO of Yahoo would like a word. Hey, that one Thursday Night Football was a great investment!
The CEO of Upro–
[The rest of this comment was redacted for not being #sponsored]
YAAAAARGH, I’m still on the freaking train, I just want to be home watching these idiots with a tumbler full of scotch
Ben Carson isn’t intelligent, he’s a brain mechanic.
He’s someone who is so detached from reality that he’ll saw off the top of your skull with the idea that he’s going to fix something inside then nail it all back together.
Short Kommenter Draft :
Submit your question for the Republican debate!
My entry : Mr. Trump. A Chinese immigrant took my job building the railway. What are you going to do to improve the coffee in the Acela quiet car?
Mr. Trump: As a veteran of several bankrupcies, can you please tell me why I can’t find a $5 blackjack table on the Las Vegas Strip anymore?
Gov. Bush – are you smarter than your father and/or brother? If not, why are you running? If so, are you also planning on destroying the economy and getting us into a dumb war?
Any of them–If you were elected President, what could the Koch brothers ask you for that you would be able to say no to? Would you owe them a night with your wife?
“Governor Jindal, your real name is Piyush, and you adopted the name Bobby because you identified with the kid on The Brady Bunch. My question is, why do you sound like the pussy from 30 Rock?”
Governor Kasich: I live in Ohio and have never heard of you. Should I see if the wife is in the mood right now? She won’t be but go fuck yourself.
I want to be Ambassador to The Bahamas. How much will it cost me?
Mr Huckabee: Will there be weekly screenings of “Annie Get Your Gun” on the White House lawn and if so what will be the schedule? I’ll take my answer off the air.
So, would Rick Perry’s chances increase if he started dating a famous Hollywood actress named Olivia? Wilde, Munn, any will do.
http://img2-1.timeinc.net/people/i/2011/news/110606/olivia-wilde-2-150×200.jpg
Tonights menu : Empanadas and Prosecco. This way I’ll feel topical when they talk about the hordes of Mexican and Italian immigrants that are over running our country. LET’S BRING AMERICA BACK TO A TIME WHEN THESE DELICIOUS COMESTIBLES WERE EXOTIC AND SCARY! (Basically WW1 up to the 1980s)
/watches FOX News
http://i.imgur.com/qIf9UJ5.gif
PFTCOMMENTER IS ON MSNBC ASKING THE FLACCO QUESTION!!! OMG THIS IS THE BEST!!!
Goddamned amazing.
h/t Deadspin!
This is probably the best picture in the history of visual perception.
So nice we needed it twice.
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/fcrzy.gif
I don’t think I can do this sober.
I’ll second that.
Howdy y’all! Is this shit taking over all the networks? Where the hell am I going to find my Seinfeld reruns?!?!? Dagnabbit!!
I can now consider myself a true child of the Internet. I’ve got the CNN livestream on the puter in one tab and I’m here making dick jokes with you all while listening to the audio.
WHAT A COUNTRY!
people. PEOPLE! “Donald Trump is a middle finger to the Political Elite in our Country.”
If this is true, I’d like him to take the other nine fingers and shove ’em up Jeb’s ass.
Tonight’s beer is Clown Shoes Billionaire, the perfect pairing for a debate headlined by a clown shoes billionaire.
I was a little disappointed in “Clown Shoes Billionaire” and I’m still not sure why it won Best Picture.
Oh man, I would pay ten dollars for Arian Foster to be a surprise moderator and tell all of these pricks that Jesus never existed.
I’ll do it for free, but I’ll need expenses.
And a grappling hook.
Does everybody have their dog whistles ready?
What?
Here’s a fun parlor game. I presume virtually none of you watched/followed the undercard debate. If you did, don’t play. The following is a direct quote from one of the 7 GOP candidates that didn’t make the cut for the prime time debate. Who said this in the mini-debate tonight?
“One principle, for example, we’ve got to embrace is on immigration. We must insist on assimilation — immigration without assimilation is an invasion. We need to tell folks who want to come here, they need to come here legally. They need to learn English, adopt our values, roll up their sleeves and get to work.”
I will guess Rick Santorum, because it’s fun to type.
Nerf Trousers Palin?
Jindal. He’s very word salad-y
Perry? Perry.
Oh thats Perry
Gotta go with Perry as well.
I gotta go with Jindal, because his platform seems to include keeping people like his parents from ever coming to America.
It sounds like a crazy Texan thing, but nope, it’s Bobby Jindal. King Hippo wins the prize! Horatio got it, too, but Hippo was first and since the prize is one (1) free trip to Horatio’s locker, I guess you’re both winners. Please redeem when the locker is vacant.
I’d guess Jindal, because he’s about rolling up sleeves and learning English.
And adopting American values like exorcisms.
http://i.imgur.com/vY6QPtH.jpg
BROS BEFORE HOS
Feels like you didn’t skip arms day, bro.
“Ok, time for the awkward closet case bro handshake!”
That fact that a no-name former governor like Kasich is out-polling slapdicks like Jindal and Santorum brings me great joy.
Don’t forget about this guy:
http://media.giphy.com/media/3oEdv1fOiIR60z8Cis/giphy.gif
Dem glasses shore make him look smarterer.
Dem glasses don’t have any power in them.
Not even in the reading segment.
He’s kind of the anti-Superman. Not Bizarro, just a homophobic nutbag psychopath who hates women and the poors, too.
Meh the big rumor in Austin was he was sleeping with his male personal chef while Gov. in Texas.
That’s not the first gay Rick Perry rumor I’ve heard.
Sadly (because I live in Ohio), Kasich is not a “former” governor.
Even more sadly, he gets called a “moderate,” despite trying to outlaw abortion, killing clean(er) energy, and successfully making the tax code more regressive.
Based on who he’s running against in the primaries that makes him moderate.
Kasich Governed Ohio where the debate is. No way they would let him off the ticket on this one.
Home field advantage?
You will get more pop form the R’s in the stands. Get some notoriety to other folks who will see him with favorable applause. A think peace written about his “Surprise” performance and still bow out sometime near Iowa and give a boost to someone…. He’s an enhancement talent in other words.
I need to watch shit like this periodically so I feel all warm and fuzzy about my Hillary support again.
I mean, she’s not a cool black guy (no ofense) but holy fuckballs she’s not THIS. Sane and competent will do.
At the moment I’m on Team Bernie, but let’s face it…I’ll vote for whoever has that D next to their name next year, because the R side is nothing but misogynistic, racist psychopaths who just can’t wait to start another war.
That’s what their signs say!
I love how the GOP is hailing this clown car of inept loons as reflective of the strength of the party.
When the top 2 candidates are a re-tread of the worst president in modern history, and a racist human Scrooge McDuck… that’s a sign of the long-term problem your party has.
In honor of tonight folks lets give Uproxx a click and check out this
http://uproxx.com/ksk/2013/04/tebowgoodell-2016/
PFTCommenters 3rd post on KSK
http://i718.photobucket.com/albums/ww182/bknutson_2009/Breaking%20Bad%20Gifs/bb8-have-you-gone-crazy.gif
DTZM:
Just a question on our potential rivebrogs…have you had a look at this?
https://wordpress.org/plugins/24liveblog/
I haven’t been looking too much lately – getting the site back up to speed was my main goal. I’ll check it out now though, thanks!
No problem…especially as it was my lovely wife who found it (she knows lack of rivebrogs makes Beastmode all cranky).
The main site is here:
http://www.24liveblog.com/
Recap of the undercard from Newsweek: http://www.newsweek.com/republican-debate-gop-presidential-fox-news-schedule-donald-trump-time-360532
the Rivebrog lives!
FUN FACT: If the Republican party was operating in Australia right now they’d be circling down the drain in the opposite direction!
I really hope Trump gets the Republican nomination. If not, I hope he runs as an independent. GO TEAM CHAOS CIRCUS!
Yes, I want to stay up until 5am, drunk off my ass to see if Hillary wins Montana or not.
Oh, can this simultaneously be the 4th and Goal: #DinostyMode thread?
Also, I posted it in the Konspiracy post, but if you want to read a transcript of the Kids’ Table debate, you can find it here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/08/06/transcript-gop-aug-6-undercard-debate/?tid=sm_tw
That picture of Christie is glorious and nightmare fuel at the same time
It instantly reminded me of this:
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/3945684/homer-s-home-run-o.gif
CAN YOU SMELL THE FEAR AND DESPERATION?
I opened things up early for pregaming. I hope you kids don’t mind.
I can’t wait to read this in the morning. I am going to spend quality time playing Legos with my daughter instead. And by playing, I mean I will build something and she will demolish it.
You’ve got to show her your best Godzilla so that she has some sort of standard to live up to.
https://youtu.be/lVYDA5ko940
Good to know “OH WE GON DRANK” is a tag for this.
/Chuh chuh