Thursday Night Preseason “Action”

In a pair of match-ups truly worthy of what we’ve come to expect from Thursday Night Football, tonight we’re “treated” to Washington and Detroit at 7:30, and the “marquee” game of The Factory of Sadness against everyone’s favorite pussytubing coach and his collection of quarterbacks who somehow are still on a professional football team not named the Jets or Jaguar’s roster.

Cleveland and Buffalo is somehow on The World Wide Leader, so at the very least we get to experience some THIS GUY-isms. You’ve got nothing else to do tonight, so join us for the DERPENINGS.

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Doktor Zymm

Instead of having the preseason, how about they just let fans pay $5 to sack the QB of their choice?

...

Danny Boy thinks you should charge $25.

entropy

It’ll run you $600 to sack Geno.

synapticmisfires

“I have an idea you guys…what if we give the Browns 12 draft picks and see what happens?” –A Cleveland-Hating Sadist

Cuntler

At dinner, but anyone check the uproxxxxx live blog? No? Good.

Doktor Zymm

The what now?

SonOfSpam

There is no uproxx only zuul. I mean DFO.

montythisseemsstrangetome

No, why would I do that?

entropy

Aren’t we punishing ourselves enough with the Bills-Browns game?

sunrisesunrise

Manziel vs Manuel, Sophie’s Choice

Doktor Zymm

BREAKING NEWS (In my imagination) : TOM BRADY TEARS ACL RE-ENACTING WIZARD OF OZ SKIPPING SCENE….SENT HOME ALL SEASON….GRONK TO RECEIVE BRAIN…BELICHICK TO RECEIVE HEART…VEGAS ODDS PLUMMETT

Why Thank You Eddie

BELICHICK TO RECEIVE HOG’S HEART. Yeah, there you go.

sunrisesunrise

Wouldn’t a Cougar’s heart be more appropriate?

entropy

Wizard tells most of team they never needed the slippers, they had it inside of them all along…. Belichick whispers, “…eve… even me?”

Wizard glares at him, shouts, “OF FUCKING COURSE NOT!!” and storms from the room.

entropy

Do you think Rex is randomly shouting “WHERE THE FUCK IS NACHO?!” on the sidelines?

montythisseemsstrangetome

Those Browns uniforms are sooooo subtly different.

King Hippo

I have to get up at 5:30 to drive my kid to cross country practice, but I can’t tear myself away from this glorious shitshow.

Doktor Zymm

Eh, I gotta wake up at 4:50 to go to the “gym” but you don’t see me putting down the wine bottle and turning off the teevee.

entropy

Wouldn’t running to practice himself accomplish the same goal?

scotchnaut

Nighty-night banana cakes. Gotta work the morrow. Love you. See you later.

Why Thank You Eddie

Ok. Remember, 1st rule of DFO, don’t talk about DFO.

sunrisesunrise

entropy

I thought we were done being honest?

sunrisesunrise

That was Barry Sanders-esque right there.

Jethro

I’m about an hour behind on the Cleveland game (Batman Lego with Mini-Jethro). So no spoilers.
[Johnny Football dies at the end, I bet.]

montythisseemsstrangetome

Almost, but they end up rebuilding him into Darth Vader.

Cuntler

So Bernie Kosar?

entropy

Taking away from the “football” on display for a moment… I got bored and watched this week’s Hard Knocks on my DVR a little while ago, and the only thing I’ve taken away from two weeks of the Texans’ shit show is that everyone, every single fucking person, associated with the Texans is a dick. Am I wrong on this?

sunrisesunrise

I was getting upset with the WatchESPN app for not letting me watch this “game”. I missed the first week of the preseason and this is the first game I get to watch. I am apparently a glutton for punishment.

entropy

This is the first recorded instance of ESPN showing any sort of restraint or respect for their viewers. Somebody mark this on a calendar.

Why Thank You Eddie

He doesn’t have what they call the social skills either.

King Hippo

You think you’ve got it all figured out, then poof – you’re not playing ACC defenses anymore.

scotchnaut

It’s like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

sunrisesunrise

He’s very good at it though.

montythisseemsstrangetome

HE SHOULD TRY PLAYING SPORTSBALL

entropy

Let’s be honest for a moment… Philly knows Bradford’s knees are made of Elmer’s glue, horse semen, and old wet cardboard. They rightfully sit him for a game of preseason and request divine intervention. Washington, who also have a starting QB fully constructed of elementary-school art materials, leave RGIII in a meaningless game because, as Matt Damon said, “Fuck him, that’s why.”

Some blame should be spread around on this one.

Why Thank You Eddie

Good grief. I thought you Illuminati weren’t supposed to reveal your identities.

Doktor Zymm

Plus, the best player on the Skins O-line is sitting the pre-season, and they’ve been shuffling the right side of the line.

...

I’m going to take home RG3 to my parents and ask them to put him on their refrigerator!

entropy

The only positive about RGIII’s injury frequency is that Cousins will be ground into tomato paste by Halloween, and we may actually have a handprint-cutout Turkey take the field for Washington by Thanksgiving.

montythisseemsstrangetome

Can I go back to being dishonest now?

entropy

Finish your fucking broccoli first.

King Hippo

Hands up!! Don’t shoot!!

/Bills Lives Matter

entropy

By this point, I am in favor of someone shooting these guys.

scotchnaut

Crown Royal Apple. No one drinks this.

Doktor Zymm

Whoever that guy was is making a good case for himself as starting long snapper.

Werekoala

Waitaminute….. what’s this? I was updating my profile to change my picture, and there’s a button to edit for “Bias Language?

Is THIS what it has come to? It’s a plot, I tell you!

Doktor Zymm

So I can’t talk about my dissertation here? (It was about correcting endogeneity bias. Bias!)

King Hippo

I’d do a line to that.

Did anyone bring teh cocaine?

King Hippo

very ineffective holding, penalty declined

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I TOLD YOU TO STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!!!”

– Nate Solder

montythisseemsstrangetome

Buffalo at Cleveland in Preseason makes Baby Jesus cry.

entropy

Could be worse. Could be the week 2 Monday Night game.

King Hippo

Dear fuck, we haven’t even hit one of the Titans and/or Bucs and/or Jags Thursday night shitfests yet.

entropy

Baby Jesus has so many, many tears yet to cry.

Doktor Zymm

SO MANY SNAP COUNTS

entropy

So can we already call the Cleveland-Cinncinati games the Participation Trophy Bowl? I feel like Toilet Bowl has gotten old.

entropy

Well done.

Doktor Zymm
Werekoala

Proposed – in useless pre-season games with 3rd, 4th, umpteenth-stringers playing, an NFL coach should always go for it on 4th down. You need to see how these “bubble” players perform in pressure/impossible situations.

What say you?

King Hippo

the ball should also periodically explode, like in that old video game with the robot players

entropy

Mutant League Football!! The best football video game of all time.

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, it’s silly not to. Unless you have a punter battle goin’ on.

entropy

Greggggg’s balls would explode if this happened.

scotchnaut

“How could such an apparently wonderful guy end up with Kathy Lee? We’re at a loss.”

-Scholars the world over

Why Thank You Eddie

Before we get back to the game…its time to remember Christmas Ape. He would have told us to go the the second half rive brog now.

/holds tears back bravery

Doktor Zymm

Anyone watching the [*Redacted] s game notice if Trent Williams was playing?

montythisseemsstrangetome

“No, I’m not playing.”
-Trent Green

Old School Zero

RFD and Rappocop tag teaming in some video game car soccer: http://www.twitch.tv/RobotsFightingDinosaurs

Smithchez

What mass of quarterback-shaped failure is currently on the field for Cleveland? Is it the shitty one who I always confuse with his (similarly shitty) brother or the little drunk guy, whose name also escapes me. I wanna say…Tyrion Lannister?

Why Thank You Eddie

3-0. At this point, I feel its important to mention Super Freak, Rick James was born in Rochester, NY, a mere 73.7 miles from Buffalo. I’m Rick James, bitch. Well there.

Why Thank You Eddie

Wait, 3-3. Abby Wambach is also from Rochester.

Doktor Zymm

I was born in Rochester!

Why Thank You Eddie

I don’t see you on Wikipedia. Are you sure?

Doktor Zymm

The Bills play the Jets in week 10, which is about when Geno Smith’s jaw will be healed and he’ll be coming back to the field. That’s gonna be some #storyline

Why Thank You Eddie

It’s McCown who is flushed. Tirico had this written before hand

scotchnaut

Does anyone here play World of Tanks? I’m not a gamer, I’m just curious.

Why Thank You Eddie

We do!

-Philadelphia 76ers

*go ahead and subtract 1. *

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

PENNY (my dog): WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING THIS INSTEAD OF WALKING ME.

RTD: …

Why Thank You Eddie

Is this porn or footbaw? Pornbaw? Patent pending muthafuckas!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

First nice play I’ve seen all night.

Duchess

[*Redacted] s just messed up a 1st and goal to go into the half still 10-7

SonOfSpam

According to an update I just read, RG3 has “head issues”

Can’t decide whether to go with a blowjob joke, a bathroom joke, or a CTE joke.

Let’s call an audible: “Moar liek Swole Head Issues amirite?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe something beer related?

scotchnaut

“Buffalo trying to sort out what they’re doing on the offensive side.”

/did I just hear that?

King Hippo

how can that be, Buffalo practically invented “no ofence”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet the character in the Allstate commercial whose voice keeps changing is named Dana.

laserguru

It was a truly glorious day for the DFO crowd. Some terribly wrong stuff, some thought-provoking deep and insightful stuff and some just stupidly funny shit. If I wasn’t at work for another hour I would raise a glass of beer-whiskey to you all!

Why Thank You Eddie

If you were down with the DFO, you’d throw one back right now! Are you down? Then go git that bottle of Glenlivet in your bottom drawer..unless you’re a flight controller.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

What is the ratio of beer to whiskey in beer-whiskey?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are my Johnny Cakes ready?

Why Thank You Eddie

We know where you’re wicked silver tongue has been.

scotchnaut

POINTS!

/never thought I’d see it…

Wakezilla

Browns v Bills in exhibition action? And i thought I had it bad watching a CFL game between a 2-5 team and a 3-4 team, where both teams appear to be waiting for the season to end in 12 weeks.

The perks of being a season ticket holder