In Which We Rank The Worst Possible Super Bowl Halftime Acts

It’s been a while since I ran one of these, and I’d like to think that’s for the best… the offseason is such a goddamn depressing time. Anyways, in light of the news revealed earlier this week that Coldplay will be the halftime act at Super Bowl 50, I got to thinking about the state of pop music in the world today, and the unfortunate set of circumstances that has somehow led to this travesty.

Confession time: I used to be really into Coldplay. I still think that Parachutes, A Rush of Blood To The Head, and X&Y are all fantastic albums, actually. But after 2008 and Viva La Vida, shit has gone downhill fast for these guys. They’ve bought into a lot of the typical pop music songwriting tropes, and the seeming insistence of blending electronic ambience into their sound, which has just taken over further and further and moved them away from their days as an indie rock band. I blame Brian Eno for all of this. He did this to U2 as well – The Joshua Tree came out (which is actually another very good album), but everything was downhill after that for those guys as well. Now you see them selling out football stadiums with a giant fucking robotic spider-looking jumbotron supporting all the bullshit, and Bono’s now buggering off to Somalia and such all the time for photo ops with starving orphans, just as a feel-good thing for himself.

My point I’m making here is that if Brian Eno calls offering to produce your next album, let it go to voicemail.

Still, after some of the various bullshit that has gone down over the years at halftime shows – Kid Rock, Janet Jackson’s areola, the Black Eyed Peas, Katy Perry with dancing sharks and beach balls covering her breasts – how much lower do we have to sink? Well, this is where you come in. Who could be brought in to make the Super Bowl halftime show the worst possible performance EVER? Let’s hear these terrible, terrible ideas.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/
Subscribe
Notify of
105 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I guess these guys would be on the good side, but pearls would be clutched.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/9a44992310a2a10d68c1d5b3d4065323/tumblr_n7r4ctIiwa1t4atxqo6_250.gif

Don T

Mala Fe would give an exceptional Halftime Show. Understanding Spanish won’t help, as words cannot describe “La vaca”:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1H9y_qDty-Y

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Donald Trump approves.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is time for Miley and another NSFW show:

h
ttp://41.media.tumblr.com/05c377856d6a5892c5b2100faa440c1b/tumblr_ny5rswht021qzhjh2o1_1280.jpg

WCS

They could bring Ashlee Simpson back:

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

MSU defender just hit Iowa TE helmet-to-helmet. By college football rules, that’s a penalty and possible ejection.

Refs don’t call it. No review. Ball goes to MSU.

This sport makes total sense now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

So I can’t root for Alabama. And though I have a lot of sympathy for teams with tiger mascots, I can’t root for Clemson. Oklahoma is just too… Oklahoma-y. So that pretty much leaves me rooting for the Iowa Pigfuckers to win it all.

Does that make me a bad person?

Lothar of the Hill People

So I can’t drink bourbon fast enough to stay drunk. Does this qualify as a character flaw?

Sill Bimmons

More like a biological constraint.

Lothar of the Hill People

Rita Hayworth, right? Damn, she was smokin’

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

In several ways; I have some gifs of her on Sexy Friday.

Sill Bimmons

Pretty sure Hitler would be an OK halftime show.

The dude knew how to stage a spectacle:

http://aryanism.net/wp-content/uploads/Art-13.jpg

Lothar of the Hill People

Wasn’t Goebbels the one who could really work a crowd?

Lothar of the Hill People

So, I’m having my first-ever drink of bourbon. Bulleit, neat. Anyone have any suggestions for what to do next?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Stick with the same would be my take, unless you back off to beer.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/4330cdaa9316d6e3868996dc18494fa2/tumblr_nxsbkoiCfh1qc3ju8o5_540.gif

Sill Bimmons

Sell your worldly possessions.

Lothar of the Hill People

Here’s the weird thing. Alcohol never really had a lot of appeal for me. The feeling of being drunk is OK, but not so great that I’d want to stay there.

I think opioids do less for me than most. Vicodin barely touches my pain. Percocet helps, but not a lot.

So despite me being addicted to cinammon crunch bagels, and ground chicken kebabs, I don’t think I could ever be addicted to alcohol or pills. I just don’t like the buzz enough.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I enjoyed several things chemically when I was younger; I guess the most addictive thing I tried was coke, but the next day you feel like total shit; just as bad or worse than a hangover. I guess my true addiction is procrastination.

http://49.media.tumblr.com/a5799009ab58766558fd5697f5f42f82/tumblr_mzp1gyq2nx1r7l9ido6_250.gif

Lothar of the Hill People

I’d be addicted to procrastination, but I just can’t ever get around to doing it.

Sill Bimmons
laserguru

I would have liked this Komment sooner but…

laserguru

First of all that’s a great choice and second of all you need to listen to Social Distortion and it probably wouldn’t hurt to bum a smoke off someone.
Grab a cold can of American macro brew and repeat until you fall down.

Then text the wife.

blaxabbath

Bono to the (RED) campaign what Chris Martin will be to the NFL No More/Salute to Service/Pinkwashing Campaign.

Sounds about right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

I know some people don’t like John Bush-era Anthrax, but this song motivates me to throw iron around in the weight room. I only wish it had come out before my football career was over.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FW0HeE9ymYU

Col. Duke LaCross

The people that don’t like John Bush in Anthrax are wrong.

Lothar of the Hill People

How did I overlook her? Yes, she’d be the absolute worst possible choice for the Super Bowl. No contest. She’d be a disaster in every sense of the word.

Lothar of the Hill People

Seroiously, W.A.S.P. would be both the best and the worst act for the Super Bowl.

Best, because they rock. Worst, because they’re drunk asshole perverts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsoLb-E7oy8

Enrico Pallazzo

Jared Fogle fucking kids would be a pretty bad halftime show.

Lothar of the Hill People

I’m more than slightly drunk right now. I drank a toast (or three) to my now-deceased cat. I’m planning on making a post in his honor here. Is that too weird?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People

Thanks, Moose. Though I don’t think a dead cat is required for most of us to tip one. Or two. Or ten.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You can have a voiceless connection to a pet, a mute companion, like no other. While not a requirement for me; it’s an obligation to empathize with your loss.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Conan newscaster joke?

aceg

Insert Catler joke here

ballsofsteelandfury

Not at all.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Still back when they were good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkFH0KMO0G0

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

This one dates me to a very specific time period. The Offspring were really good before they immediately sold out

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taspcBxs48Q

WhyEaglesWhy

It should be the Foo Fighters. They’re actually awesome, and at this point they’ve become America’s House Band.

WhyEaglesWhy

Oh, and the worst? They’ve done it. It’s Coldplay. Who else tries so hard to be just like their favorite band but only copies the worst parts?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I am like 95% sure you are mocking me, but I love the Foo Fighters so I am on board.

WhyEaglesWhy

No, I was 100% sincere.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Suggestion 4ish for better halftime music

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30w8DyEJ__0

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

According to some shows maybe they could fly in SRV and Buddy Holly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

INXS is just hanging around, nothing to do.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
JustStopDude

It doesn’t matter….none of it does…

I really don’t even understand why there is a fucking show involved at all…

We just get strapped in and watch without a choice…

comment image

entropy

What unholy abomination is THAT?!

Beerguyrob

United’s new “Cattle Class”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is a devise to both ingest and dispose of one’s Fruitloops at once, efficiently and without the involvement or bother of the parent.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Notice the wee… wee out stream protector; I could use one of those for when I’m drunk.

Lothar of the Hill People

I’d be all-in for Van Halen, except Roth’s blown voice might make them nearly as bad as the Who was a few years back. That was fuckin’ awful. “Play a medley of your greatest hits from 30+ years ago, and make sure you can’t sing them worth a damn!”

Aerosmith didn’t do badly, except when Kid Rock and Britney Spears showed up with tube socks on her arms.

I think Metallica would’ve been the natural choice for a SF-area Super Bowl. I thought the NFL’s strategy was to use the halftime act to bring in viewers who weren’t into football, so Madonna for the gay crowd, Bruno Mars for the umm… gay crowd, and Katy Perry for ummm… breast lovers? By that notion, the NFL needs to get Taylor Swift or someone like that.

I think Foo Fighters make the most sense anymore. That would be a pretty kickass act.

I think the worst possible would be Nelly. Or Justin Bieber. Or a Nelly/Justin Bieber tribute band.

Lothar of the Hill People

This shows how up I am on current music. I haven’t heard any pop music more current than Nelly. I don’t listen to the radio other than NPR.

Where’s my “Old Man Yells at Cloud” picture?

laserguru

I think Muse would be a good fit. They have equal parts famousness and recent record ness. Plus they could appeal to a wide audience.

I can safely say I’ve never heard a Taylor Swift song and couldn’t name one of her songs if my life depended on it.
I am good with this fact.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I think I’m the only person who just cannot stand Matt Bellamy’s voice. I really like the songs they do without him singing, but I just can’t get past it otherwise. They still would be best halftime show in years.

King Hippo

You are NAWT alone. Fills me with rage, actually.

Lothar of the Hill People

I actually accidentally saw the video for “Shake it Off” and subsequently used Taylor Swift references in my lecture about terrorism. Some of my students actually rolled their eyes at me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

For those in favor of a meteor type event we could have Great White play.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Another random song I think would work as a halftime show. Not in the same vain, I still think this would work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq-I4orlEhE

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

How is this not the perfect halftime band?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnrS4lFnGQk

SonOfSpam

G G Allin would’ve been either awesome or awesomer.

As for the worst, I’m gonna say Nugent. Cat Scratch Fever, followed by a 10 minute rant about the President.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I have to admit I sort of like Coldplay in a way of I used to like them at one time long ago. Would I pick them as a Superbowl halftime show? Fuck no. But I would say that about every halftime show act ever. I would be more annoyed if they got U2 to perform. (Joshua Tree is a great album ftr)

My suggestion. Eagles of Death Metal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHY1xCl4Qak

laserguru

That would be perfectly fucking appropriate.
Great suggestion.

SonOfSpam

Awesome. “HERE’S A SONG FOR MARK SANCHEZ!” (starts playing Just Nineteen)

ballsofsteelandfury

No one is going to say anything involving the word “Paris”?

OK, then.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

BAM!

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! etc.

laserguru

In all honesty my favorite half time show was Up With People during the Raiders Eagles super bowl.
We had dropped some acid and turned the sound on the TV down and put on the first Devo album. It synchronized with the half time show perfectly.

It was life altering.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Old School Zero

Blaming Eno for producing bad music is like blaming Belichick for coaching bad football.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s even worse than that.

laserguru

I wholeheartedly endorse this comment.
Brian Eno is a god.
You said it yourself, it was the album AFTER that sucked.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hitler. Hitler would be the worst possible halftime show.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think Cold Play is perfect…… for the NFL, Rodger and his cronies, how the owner view the fans. Absolutely perfect.

http://45.media.tumblr.com/5b25cd7b8c9ea0104d1b724687bab3c5/tumblr_nxqlnuMlkk1u9127so1_500.gif

Old School Zero

They’re definitely one of the safest, mildest, corporate-friendly bands for aging dipshits to choose.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“aging dipshits ” ??

WATCH IT FELLA!

Old School Zero

I’m only talking about the NFL corporate type.

Present company is always excepted.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
ballsofsteelandfury

I had not watched the Super Bowl Halftime show for at least a decade until Katy Perry. Because tits.

Throw Selena Gomez in there with her new “I can be sexy too!” songs and you’ve got my attention.

ballsofsteelandfury

Damn!

ballsofsteelandfury

NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

Great hustle, Moose!