It’s been a while since I ran one of these, and I’d like to think that’s for the best… the offseason is such a goddamn depressing time. Anyways, in light of the news revealed earlier this week that Coldplay will be the halftime act at Super Bowl 50, I got to thinking about the state of pop music in the world today, and the unfortunate set of circumstances that has somehow led to this travesty.
Confession time: I used to be really into Coldplay. I still think that Parachutes, A Rush of Blood To The Head, and X&Y are all fantastic albums, actually. But after 2008 and Viva La Vida, shit has gone downhill fast for these guys. They’ve bought into a lot of the typical pop music songwriting tropes, and the seeming insistence of blending electronic ambience into their sound, which has just taken over further and further and moved them away from their days as an indie rock band. I blame Brian Eno for all of this. He did this to U2 as well – The Joshua Tree came out (which is actually another very good album), but everything was downhill after that for those guys as well. Now you see them selling out football stadiums with a giant fucking robotic spider-looking jumbotron supporting all the bullshit, and Bono’s now buggering off to Somalia and such all the time for photo ops with starving orphans, just as a feel-good thing for himself.
My point I’m making here is that if Brian Eno calls offering to produce your next album, let it go to voicemail.
Still, after some of the various bullshit that has gone down over the years at halftime shows – Kid Rock, Janet Jackson’s areola, the Black Eyed Peas, Katy Perry with dancing sharks and beach balls covering her breasts – how much lower do we have to sink? Well, this is where you come in. Who could be brought in to make the Super Bowl halftime show the worst possible performance EVER? Let’s hear these terrible, terrible ideas.
I guess these guys would be on the good side, but pearls would be clutched.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/9a44992310a2a10d68c1d5b3d4065323/tumblr_n7r4ctIiwa1t4atxqo6_250.gif
Mala Fe would give an exceptional Halftime Show. Understanding Spanish won’t help, as words cannot describe “La vaca”:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1H9y_qDty-Y
Donald Trump approves.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/3a45efc042cbe2fb4ea37d6095c6b5f3/tumblr_nyv20kMEfb1qmp5efo1_500.gif
It is time for Miley and another NSFW show:
h
ttp://41.media.tumblr.com/05c377856d6a5892c5b2100faa440c1b/tumblr_ny5rswht021qzhjh2o1_1280.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/906a52a4aeb5d7b33dc5ba2c434e7974/tumblr_ny1a0036KX1s7km96o1_400.gif
http://41.media.tumblr.com/88732979efc7b8526fb243e6675a5cad/tumblr_ntwk7dV4zO1qexugho1_1280.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/bf73e873e32ca1cca566d370c33d5771/tumblr_nvjrprdFRE1shlauzo1_400.gif
They could bring Ashlee Simpson back:
http://45.media.tumblr.com/734843cbbdfeb7e6d755505734dc3cb4/tumblr_nyhhi9obQ01tpmgf1o1_500.gif
http://40.media.tumblr.com/3e2a2c5f7ffb2c81b2586d488bdc5b2c/tumblr_ncoh4c5SvP1qzfipuo1_1280.jpg
http://40.media.tumblr.com/a4eda3b72c32129d1a6bee6aaaaf30b2/tumblr_mg15fx3o751qzc4vgo1_500.png
MSU defender just hit Iowa TE helmet-to-helmet. By college football rules, that’s a penalty and possible ejection.
Refs don’t call it. No review. Ball goes to MSU.
This sport makes total sense now.
Maybe the other thread?
http://49.media.tumblr.com/9556e43873f9617e7b0adcbaac4a8edc/tumblr_nxmqi17alL1uc8qsko3_250.gif
So I can’t root for Alabama. And though I have a lot of sympathy for teams with tiger mascots, I can’t root for Clemson. Oklahoma is just too… Oklahoma-y. So that pretty much leaves me rooting for the Iowa Pigfuckers to win it all.
Does that make me a bad person?
So I can’t drink bourbon fast enough to stay drunk. Does this qualify as a character flaw?
More like a biological constraint.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/19358b2ab8ac8d8169f42c67a6e140a3/tumblr_nxsbkoiCfh1qc3ju8o6_540.gif
http://49.media.tumblr.com/bb280dafe754515899450852feb24343/tumblr_nxq359y5mW1qb3axzo7_r1_250.gif
Rita Hayworth, right? Damn, she was smokin’
In several ways; I have some gifs of her on Sexy Friday.
Pretty sure Hitler would be an OK halftime show.
The dude knew how to stage a spectacle:
http://aryanism.net/wp-content/uploads/Art-13.jpg
Wasn’t Goebbels the one who could really work a crowd?
Sechs von einer, anderen sechs:
http://a4.files.biography.com/image/upload/c_fill,cs_srgb,dpr_1.0,g_face,h_300,q_80,w_300/MTE5NTU2MzE2MjMyMjU0OTg3.jpg
http://45.media.tumblr.com/f03c8e25d78821668ede76720ee20e87/tumblr_nxn7cvYay21ujllzro1_540.gif
So, I’m having my first-ever drink of bourbon. Bulleit, neat. Anyone have any suggestions for what to do next?
Stick with the same would be my take, unless you back off to beer.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/4330cdaa9316d6e3868996dc18494fa2/tumblr_nxsbkoiCfh1qc3ju8o5_540.gif
Sell your worldly possessions.
Here’s the weird thing. Alcohol never really had a lot of appeal for me. The feeling of being drunk is OK, but not so great that I’d want to stay there.
I think opioids do less for me than most. Vicodin barely touches my pain. Percocet helps, but not a lot.
So despite me being addicted to cinammon crunch bagels, and ground chicken kebabs, I don’t think I could ever be addicted to alcohol or pills. I just don’t like the buzz enough.
I enjoyed several things chemically when I was younger; I guess the most addictive thing I tried was coke, but the next day you feel like total shit; just as bad or worse than a hangover. I guess my true addiction is procrastination.
http://49.media.tumblr.com/a5799009ab58766558fd5697f5f42f82/tumblr_mzp1gyq2nx1r7l9ido6_250.gif
I’d be addicted to procrastination, but I just can’t ever get around to doing it.
http://www.godandscience.org/images/thc.gif
I would have liked this Komment sooner but…
First of all that’s a great choice and second of all you need to listen to Social Distortion and it probably wouldn’t hurt to bum a smoke off someone.
Grab a cold can of American macro brew and repeat until you fall down.
Then text the wife.
Bono to the (RED) campaign what Chris Martin will be to the NFL No More/Salute to Service/Pinkwashing Campaign.
Sounds about right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKjZuykKY1I
http://41.media.tumblr.com/c46228c333fa5af9623af5a2dd99a3ca/tumblr_mtusv9Hf101re33kmo1_500.png
I know some people don’t like John Bush-era Anthrax, but this song motivates me to throw iron around in the weight room. I only wish it had come out before my football career was over.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FW0HeE9ymYU
The people that don’t like John Bush in Anthrax are wrong.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/e4799166dd55bb1d138f42b2552d460b/tumblr_nu439jhg3g1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg
How did I overlook her? Yes, she’d be the absolute worst possible choice for the Super Bowl. No contest. She’d be a disaster in every sense of the word.
Seroiously, W.A.S.P. would be both the best and the worst act for the Super Bowl.
Best, because they rock. Worst, because they’re drunk asshole perverts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsoLb-E7oy8
Jared Fogle fucking kids would be a pretty bad halftime show.
I’m more than slightly drunk right now. I drank a toast (or three) to my now-deceased cat. I’m planning on making a post in his honor here. Is that too weird?
No, it is not; we’ll lift one for kitty too.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/0076c0985e8f5fae6929cda9dd883a09/tumblr_nywk8kDP5S1umdgheo3_250.gif
Thanks, Moose. Though I don’t think a dead cat is required for most of us to tip one. Or two. Or ten.
You can have a voiceless connection to a pet, a mute companion, like no other. While not a requirement for me; it’s an obligation to empathize with your loss.
Conan newscaster joke?
Insert Catler joke here
Not at all.
Still back when they were good
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkFH0KMO0G0
https://vine.co/v/eYP7ETYQdda
This one dates me to a very specific time period. The Offspring were really good before they immediately sold out
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taspcBxs48Q
It should be the Foo Fighters. They’re actually awesome, and at this point they’ve become America’s House Band.
Oh, and the worst? They’ve done it. It’s Coldplay. Who else tries so hard to be just like their favorite band but only copies the worst parts?
I am like 95% sure you are mocking me, but I love the Foo Fighters so I am on board.
No, I was 100% sincere.
Suggestion 4ish for better halftime music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30w8DyEJ__0
According to some shows maybe they could fly in SRV and Buddy Holly.
INXS is just hanging around, nothing to do.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz164y75O71r9msvko1_1280.png
It doesn’t matter….none of it does…
I really don’t even understand why there is a fucking show involved at all…
We just get strapped in and watch without a choice…
What unholy abomination is THAT?!
United’s new “Cattle Class”.
It is a devise to both ingest and dispose of one’s Fruitloops at once, efficiently and without the involvement or bother of the parent.
Notice the wee… wee out stream protector; I could use one of those for when I’m drunk.
I’d be all-in for Van Halen, except Roth’s blown voice might make them nearly as bad as the Who was a few years back. That was fuckin’ awful. “Play a medley of your greatest hits from 30+ years ago, and make sure you can’t sing them worth a damn!”
Aerosmith didn’t do badly, except when Kid Rock and Britney Spears showed up with tube socks on her arms.
I think Metallica would’ve been the natural choice for a SF-area Super Bowl. I thought the NFL’s strategy was to use the halftime act to bring in viewers who weren’t into football, so Madonna for the gay crowd, Bruno Mars for the umm… gay crowd, and Katy Perry for ummm… breast lovers? By that notion, the NFL needs to get Taylor Swift or someone like that.
I think Foo Fighters make the most sense anymore. That would be a pretty kickass act.
I think the worst possible would be Nelly. Or Justin Bieber. Or a Nelly/Justin Bieber tribute band.
This shows how up I am on current music. I haven’t heard any pop music more current than Nelly. I don’t listen to the radio other than NPR.
Where’s my “Old Man Yells at Cloud” picture?
I think Muse would be a good fit. They have equal parts famousness and recent record ness. Plus they could appeal to a wide audience.
I can safely say I’ve never heard a Taylor Swift song and couldn’t name one of her songs if my life depended on it.
I am good with this fact.
I think I’m the only person who just cannot stand Matt Bellamy’s voice. I really like the songs they do without him singing, but I just can’t get past it otherwise. They still would be best halftime show in years.
You are NAWT alone. Fills me with rage, actually.
I actually accidentally saw the video for “Shake it Off” and subsequently used Taylor Swift references in my lecture about terrorism. Some of my students actually rolled their eyes at me.
For those in favor of a meteor type event we could have Great White play.
Another random song I think would work as a halftime show. Not in the same vain, I still think this would work.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq-I4orlEhE
How is this not the perfect halftime band?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnrS4lFnGQk
G G Allin would’ve been either awesome or awesomer.
As for the worst, I’m gonna say Nugent. Cat Scratch Fever, followed by a 10 minute rant about the President.
I have to admit I sort of like Coldplay in a way of I used to like them at one time long ago. Would I pick them as a Superbowl halftime show? Fuck no. But I would say that about every halftime show act ever. I would be more annoyed if they got U2 to perform. (Joshua Tree is a great album ftr)
My suggestion. Eagles of Death Metal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHY1xCl4Qak
That would be perfectly fucking appropriate.
Great suggestion.
Awesome. “HERE’S A SONG FOR MARK SANCHEZ!” (starts playing Just Nineteen)
No one is going to say anything involving the word “Paris”?
OK, then.
BAM!
BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! etc.
In all honesty my favorite half time show was Up With People during the Raiders Eagles super bowl.
We had dropped some acid and turned the sound on the TV down and put on the first Devo album. It synchronized with the half time show perfectly.
It was life altering.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/4fbc400b10aa7d9a964914369df73c1c/tumblr_n9dv1deNaY1ru4ne0o1_1280.jpg
http://youtu.be/QrGrOK8oZG8
Blaming Eno for producing bad music is like blaming Belichick for coaching bad football.
It’s even worse than that.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/e32ba736f2b40c59a3c8e2651a84d478/tumblr_nxwmwkUcme1r3i95ho2_250.gif
I wholeheartedly endorse this comment.
Brian Eno is a god.
You said it yourself, it was the album AFTER that sucked.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/cc6a6ffd44d1b74a022d75e47b0eca97/tumblr_n74zazkMBD1rmby1bo1_400.gif
Hitler. Hitler would be the worst possible halftime show.
Only if they hosted the game in Tel Aviv. Otherwise I’d say it’s a tie between Stalin and Chris Brown.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/3a2946b64bc1c601c3e12990984ed35e/tumblr_n39lfmHBbd1rge9zro2_500.gif
I think Cold Play is perfect…… for the NFL, Rodger and his cronies, how the owner view the fans. Absolutely perfect.
http://45.media.tumblr.com/5b25cd7b8c9ea0104d1b724687bab3c5/tumblr_nxqlnuMlkk1u9127so1_500.gif
They’re definitely one of the safest, mildest, corporate-friendly bands for aging dipshits to choose.
“aging dipshits ” ??
WATCH IT FELLA!
I’m only talking about the NFL corporate type.
Present company is always excepted.
http://36.media.tumblr.com/6a6b39d750daaf8316b2dd6865b95fa1/tumblr_msarmutCnY1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg
Yes, they are a different type of dipshit, rich dipshits.
I had not watched the Super Bowl Halftime show for at least a decade until Katy Perry. Because tits.
Throw Selena Gomez in there with her new “I can be sexy too!” songs and you’ve got my attention.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/86826d09b5059c34a3fad3b9a1f98e1f/tumblr_nykmjbz6sH1rtynt1o2_r1_1280.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/ec98250492863bcc01f1083904322a1c/tumblr_nxfuqrCaoa1rj28rmo1_1280.jpg
Damn!
http://40.media.tumblr.com/8244bf992ff022bc6e71f7524b8d5389/tumblr_nynhwxK9Gt1tkvp7no1_1280.jpg
NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!
Great hustle, Moose!
Think I’m gonna kick things off by stating that One Direction would be an unmitigated disaster. Bunch of oversexed Brits who don’t know a damn thing about football trying to seduce a crowd… Wait, it couldn’t be that much worse than when the threw The Who up there, right??
http://41.media.tumblr.com/2ef30d291e6846b7c0b8c3f8967fce72/tumblr_nxfuoeN5WC1rj28rmo1_1280.jpg