Although his powers of evil are completely capable of making it happen, not even RGshithead (that’s Roger Goodell) would cancel six games.  Right? (my glass is half full btw) So here we are-cheering for football itself, our fave teams and most importantly, NO INJURIES. This is who we are, folks. This is our wheelhouse, this is our equivalent of volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. This is where we do good work. I’m a bit leery yakking about teams in too much detail because we’ve got some awesomely jizztastic team previews in the pipeline but here she goes-

Was/Atl-OBJ-molester Josh Norman makes his dee-butt for the Redacted. A general sense of hopefulness is overshadowing the eventual reality of Daniel Snyder’s overwhelming doucheness taking this team down to 6-10. It really doesn’t matter what the perpetual do-nothing Falcons do in the pre-season. You may want to cast an eye towards CJ Goodwin, a wr that has converted to cb and is turning heads. That’s the NFL’s version of Cool Story Bro.

TB/Philly-Absolute nobody Cameron Bates has stolen the TE job from Austin (The Hyphen) Jenkins. [wanking motion] This may be the last time you get to enjoy the pedestrian work of rb Mike James. Philly-wise, highly-prized qb rookie (pun alert!) Carson Wontz go missing for the majority of the 2nd half.

N.O/N.E.-The twilight of Drew Brees’ career is upon us and if several tens of thousands of fantasy players get their way, CJ Spiller will be occupying the same fate. Qb-wise Garrett Grayson will get the majority of the work later on in the game. Pats-wise-I fucking hate the team and their fans and this will never change.

Car/Bal-Apparently the Panthers did some Wawesome (that’s Wow! and Awesome! combined) things last year. Perhaps they’ll continue in that vein if Kelvin Benjamin and Devin Funchess win the starting jobs at wr. I can’t remember which height/weight belongs to who but one is 6’4″, 225 and the other is 6’5″, 245. GOOD GOD! Baltimore, in their infinite wisdom, counters with Ryan Mallet.

Jax/Jets-It looks as though the Jags are on their way up-6th rd. rb Brandon Allen is trying to sneak on to the roster by bringing it in the 2nd half. Jalin Marshall, a draftee from Ohio State has lit it up at Jets camp. In Todd Bowles’ war room there is talk of implementing The Marshall Plan at wide receiver.

Den/Chi-Did you know that as anonymous commenters we share 98% of our DNA with Bronc qb Simian? (I spelled it wrong intentionally!) Chicago speaking, Brian Hoyer’s tendency to “not give a shit” is up 74.3% while under the tutelage of Jay Cutler.

LET’S GET AT IT, FOLKS-THIS IS WHERE YOU SHINE!

/sorry about the lateness..