Welcome to DFO’s preview of the 2016 Philadelphia Eagles, which should be as long, frustrating, and hackneyed as the team’s season itself. With that kind of experience awaiting us, perhaps it’s best we just get started and get this done with a minimum of fuss.

The 2016 Eagles were assembled by disheveled owner Jeffrey Lurie and his golden boy, the not-named-GM-but-clearly-actual-GM Howie Roseman. As you may recall, this pair were so excited to get to the offseason that they prematurely ejaculated coach Chip Kelly after Week 16. They then set about hiring Doug Pederson to reprise the role of Andy Reid and removing all evidence of Kelly’s disastrous one-year tenure as personnel boss. Astonishingly, they got some decent (read: any) return for some of Chip’s onerous contracts, getting draft compensation for RB DeMarco Murray, LB Kiko Alonso, and CB Byron Maxwell while shedding significant cap obligations. These picks allowed them to move up to #2 overall and select QB Carson Wentz, who by all accounts is as advertised: a young man that plays quarterback.

The Eagles also made some canny free agent signings, chief among them S Rodney McLeod from the St. Louis LA Rams and OG Brandon Brooks from the Texans, who some quick Googling tells me are an NFL team that plays in the AFC South. They also imported some personal favorites of new DC Jim Schwartz, including CBs Leodis McKelvin and Ron Brooks, and LBs Nigel Bradham and Stephen Tulloch.

All in all, the Eagles made some nice moves, but none of this is going to matter unless Carson Wentz is really, really good. Speaking of…

The Eagles’ QB situation is – Interesting? Confusing? Dumb? Why not all three? The Eagles began the offseason by bidding against themselves for incumbent QB Sam Bradford. Now, I’m actually something of a Bradford defender. If you watched the games last season, you got a much different impression than the stats will give you. He’s accurate, he throws a surprisingly nice deep ball, and his receivers were no help, leading the NFL in drop rate. He just doesn’t carry himself like a QB, for whatever that’s worth – not a lot in my opinion, after watching Eagles fans try to run Donovan McNabb out of town for smiling too much.

They followed the Bradford re-signing with a flurry of trades that brought Wentz into the fold. If you’re a quarterback and your team picks a QB #2 overall, the writing is on the wall. Bradford understandably wanted out, as anyone but a Philadelphia Eagles fan with a radio tuned to WIP, a telephone, and a dialing wand would comprehend. However, there either wasn’t enough interest, or the Eagles were trying to have their cake and eat it too by competing this year in a weak division with Bradford before having Wentz take over when he’s ready. Either way, an unhappy Bradford stayed put.

At this point, you have a fairly uninspiring veteran QB to hold down the fort and take hits in place of the prized rookie, which is the situation every team drafting a QB wants. So of course the Eagles didn’t stop there. They spent $7 million a year on Pederson’s security blanket from Kansas City, Chase Daniel. See – either Bradford OR Daniel, plus Wentz makes sense. Bradford AND Daniel, plus Wentz makes no sense. Wentz now gets less playing time in the preseason, and virtually no snaps in practice during the regular season. To boot, the Eagles have tied up $25 million in salary for QBs that weren’t good enough to prevent them from drafting Wentz in the first place.

Nailed it!

Pictured above is an injured Sam Bradford. However, shockingly enough, Bradford is one of the few healthy Eagles as the season looms. Check out this triage list:

Starting WR Jordan Matthews: Suffered a bone bruise in camp, won’t play at all in the preseason, hopes to play in Week 1.

Starting LB Mychal Kendricks: Pulled a hammy in camp, hasn’t played in the preseason, may not at all.

Starting RT Lane Johnson: Likely suspended 10 games for PEDs.

Starting LT Jason Peters: Not technically hurt, but chronically ouchy and currently spending the preseason ensconced in bubble wrap.

QB Carson Wentz: Broke ribs in his mildly impressive preseason debut. Probably won’t play in the preseason again, which means he probably won’t be ready to play at all for a good while.

RB Wendell Smallwood: Quad pull in camp, hasn’t played in the preseason. Nice for a rookie trying to make the club as the primary backup.

LB Joe Walker: Torn ACL, out for season. Eagles subsequently signed Stephen Tulloch to be the primary backup at ILB.

PK Caleb Sturgis: Concussion from being hit in the head by an errant punt at practice. No, I did not make that shit up.

Starting RB Ryan Mathews: Ryan Mathews

So, the “offense”. New head coach Doug Pederson was KC’s offensive coordinator, and brings his run-heavy popgun offense to town. Doug may be a good dude, and who knows, he may even be a good coach. Stranger things have happened, right? RIGHT? But let’s be real, the guy makes Ned Flanders look like GG Allin. People compare him to Andy Reid, and in all likelihood he was hired to be Andy Reid 2.0. But Andy liked to sling it now and then, and Andy also loved him some trick plays. Doug Pederson goes out for ice cream and asks if they have anything a bit less rambunctious than vanilla.

But really, any scheme will work with great players, and no scheme will work with crap players. And the Eagles’ offense has far more of the latter than the former. We’ve talked about the quarterbacks. Ryan “good if healthy” Mathews starts at RB, backed up by Darren Sproles, Kenjon Barner, and rookie Wendell Smallwood (who as mentioned, hasn’t played in the preseason yet.)

Starting WRs are probably last year’s first round bust (Nelson Agholor), a guy the Rams had no use for (Chris Givens), and Jordan Matthews in the slot. Backing them up are noted slug-a-bed Rueben Randle and impressive undrafted rookie Paul Turner. Recent trade acquisition/head case Dorial Green-Beckham will fit in somewhere. He is easily the most talented guy in the group, and still the Titans gave up on him after only one year in exchange for a shitty backup guard. The Titans.

The Eagles are surprisingly deep at tight end. Grizzled vet Brent Celek (possibly my favorite Eagle not named Jason Peters) and perpetual breakout candidate Zach Ertz are sort of co-starters, and Trey Burton is pretty good for a third stringer. All together, that’s probably about 4.5 quality skill players, and that’s if Wentz turns out to be good.

The line was shaping up to be slightly above average, but Lane Johnson’s suspension means that something called an Allen Barbre will be starting at RT.

Long story short – don’t draft any Eagles for your fantasy team.

The defense, on the other hand…the defense might be pretty good. Actually, I’m going to come out and say it – they WILL be pretty good. The defense has been in shambles for a few years now, despite a few talented players. Chip Kelly’s hyperspeed three-and-outs left the Eagles’ defense in a difficult position. The 2015 Eagles led the NFL in defensive snaps by so much that they played TWO GAMES worth of extra snaps compared to the league average. If nothing else, Doug Pederson’s offense is going to bring that number down, and that’s going to mean a fresher defense late in games and late in the season.

The Eagles also hired Jim Schwartz to coordinate the defense, and he is a much better DC than head coach. His attacking style will unleash skilled players like Fletcher Cox, Brandon Graham, Connor Barwin, and Vinny Curry, who were wearing choke chains in the previous read-and-react scheme. Cox and Curry in particular are primed to have monster seasons, and I expect Cox to earn every penny of his Haynesworthian contract.

The linebackers are fairly nondescript apart from second year MLB Jordan Hicks. Hicks was pressed into service as a rookie after Kiko Alonso got hurt (!) and in his debut, he got his first career sack and broke Tony Romo’s collarbone on the same play. Hicks went on to amass two interceptions, three fumble recoveries, and a defensive touchdown in eight games before HE got hurt.

The safety tandem of Malcolm Jenkins and Rodney McLeod is among the best in the NFL, which is hard to get used to for fans accustomed to seeing the likes of Nate Allen, Sean Considine, and Patrick Chung line up there. The corners are…well, they try. I assume. Leodis McKelvin is a nice player, but it’s rather concerning when he’s being touted as the team’s #1 corner. Nolan Carroll is likely to start at the other corner with Ron Brooks in the slot. Last year’s 2nd round pick, Eric Rowe, finished his rookie campaign well but hasn’t impressed Schwartz at camp. He’s running with the third team behind Brooks and 7th round rookie Jalen Mills.

If Jordan Hicks stays healthy and the team gets average corner play, I think this is a top-10 defense. No, really.

I can guarantee that the Eagles will lose in Week 16 when they host the Giants on Thursday Night Football. This is because I am coming back to the USA for Christmas, and I will be taking Lady WEW to her first NFL game. I just hope she doesn’t get beer, vomit, or invective hurled at her. And I hope other people at the stadium leave her alone too! (I’m here all week, folks.)

Yes, time has run out on this preview, and the clock is showing all zeroes. So what do I think about the 2016 Eagles?

Well, it’s not exciting, but I think they got better in some ways, worse in others, and will wind up in pretty much the same place as last year.

Best Case Scenario: Pederson gains the team’s trust. Sam Bradford plays like he did the second half of last season, the light clicks on for Nelson Agholor and/or Dorial Green-Beckham, Ryan Mathews and Jason Peters stay healthy, and the defense is improved. 9-7 and NFC East champions.

Worst Case Scenario: Pederson is overmatched, Bradford gets hurt, the receivers are as terrible as they look, Mathews and Peters get hurt, the corners are sieves, and Schwartz’s Wide 9 lets teams bleed the Eagles to death with the run game. 3-13 and last place in the NFC East.

Prediction: Bradford plays moderately well, but the wideouts are dogshit and the offense needs to run lots of 3-TE sets to move the ball. The defense is improved, especially with takeaways, but they still give up too many deep balls. Special teams are again among the best in the NFL. 7-9 and third place in the NFC East.