Your Late Afternoon Trifecta Of NFL Games

Mia/Sea-Arian Foster has looked fantastic in pre-season for the Dolphs but the Seahawks will be interlocking their arms for peace? justice? hope? I don’t think it’s been thought through-how the hell can anyone catch a fish that’s thrown their way as happens on a regular basis in that city? Prediction? Miami and new coach Adam Gase get throttled and leave the environs with their fins between their legs. There’s an enormous talent gap between these teams.

Det/Indy-Detroit’s inevitable 5-win season begins with a road loss to the Colts. Guys like Ameer Abdullah, Theo Riddick and Eric Ebron don’t inspire much confidence. Wr Tate should take some time adjusting to being doubled so I’m thinking that wr Jones on the other side is a good bet to put up solid numbers all year long. As per usual Chunky von Butterscotch will be heaving the ball for the Lions. Hmmm…after doing a bit of homework I’ve discovered that Indy’s lousy D will be missing up to 4 starters. They’ll also be starting rooks at lb and safety and cb Cromartie has been with the team all of 3 weeks. Last one with the ball wins.

Giants/’Boys– Today a nation (or two) learns the phrase Dak! Slurping. Yeah, the youngster out of Mississippi State got the bandwagon Cowboys fans hearts a-fluttering with his “can-do attitude” and his “stats” and his “enthusiasm” and such. Makes me sick how far the guy is going to fall when Dallas backers figure out he’s not white. In “Holy Hell” news, the Giants don’t have a single player of note on the injury list! And they only had to spend 200 million in free agency to make it happen! Wait, I don’t think those two things are connected…

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Beastmode Ate My Baby
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh yeah, another reason why I like Rich Gannon, and why Al Davis couldn’t get his paws off the Raiders soon enough.

“He’s attacked us on a regular basis since becoming a member of the media,” Herrera said. “After affording him the opportunity to establish a career here, he has since gone on to attack us in a way that’s totally unacceptable.”

http://awfulannouncing.com/2009-articles/the-raiders-are-not-fans-of-rich-gannon-the-analyst.html

blaxabbath

Isn’t an NFL season until a blown officiating call results in a TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS.

Moonbatting Average

Order is restored, I guess

King Hippo

Dan Fouts is sure wrong a lot

Don T

What is it with Miami and time outs on defense?

Bloody Lethal

Shit Hankins.

King Hippo

this is the NC STATE Russell Wilson. The Russell Wilson WHO FUCKS

Sill Bimmons

WHO FUCKS WHAT

Bortleback

For the first 58 minutes of the game, he’s been fucking his own team’s chances of winning. For the last 2 he seems to be fucking the lolphins, with the assistance of their secondary

Shogun Marcus

He is the one who fucks?

King Hippo

I mean, the size of his hands, he really oughtta be THE ONE WHO FUCKS

blaxabbath

Fuck fuck fuck
FUCK
Fuckedity-fuck

Sill Bimmons

Right here’s where we see if that Fins DL is worth the bank they’re being paid.

Horatio Cornblower

Spoiler Alert: No.

Sharkbait

If they are as successful as dolphins are against tuna nets, that would be great…

fleshwound_NPG

“He grew up 3 hours south of Seattle, in Portland Oregon”

That’s still a long fucking ways away to say it’s NEAR Seattle.

blaxabbath

Seriously. He grew up in fucking TITANS country!

John Difool

Quit hating on a ‘local boy done good’ story.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, if you grew up 3 hours away from Boston you could easily be a Bills, Jets, Giants, or even an Eagles fan.

John Difool

If you grew up three hours south of Dallas, well….. you could be a Cowboys or even maybe a Texans fan.

ThePirateSloth

Lake Oswego, OR. There are 7 people playing OR slot machines while I am the only person watching football in this bar.

I sometimes hate Oregon.

Moonbatting Average

Could be worse. Could be Pats fans about.

Old School Zero

Lake Oswego allows lottery machines?! *Gasp* Why, I never! How common!

blaxabbath

Seattle residents looking eerily like a baseball town right about now….

John Difool

I haven’t seen a Vereen with a breakout hit like this since Tenspeed & Brownshoe

John Difool

Not if you’re old as fuck like me.

Sill Bimmons

NEEDZ MOAR HODOR

comment image

YES HODOR

Bloody Lethal

OK.

Senor Weaselo

Salsadown!

blaxabbath

Quite shocked to see how off the power rankings are this season. I mean, this fuckers are put together by EXPERTS and INSIDERS!

theeWeeBabySeamus

“ALLEGED”

Horatio Cornblower

The Cowboys D has showed up just in time to save the Giants from themselves, but Eli’s not gonna take this win without a fight.

fleshwound_NPG

Lions deserve to loose on that shitty late hit out of bounds, but Fat Humps deserve to lose on the basis that Fat Stafford has hung 28 on them with a full quarter to go…sans Megatron.

fleshwound_NPG

fuck, loose and lose in the same sentence…I DESERVE to lose.

Bortleback

If Fatt Stafford is somehow a better QB this year without megatron, thus validating the takes of a variety of mouthbreathers, it might break my brain

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I love this visceral reaction every Giants fan has towards Troy Aikman and Joe Buck.

Whenever these two call a game, half of New Jersey gets an ulcer.

Horatio Cornblower

I know I’ve said this before but I don’t mind Aikman-Buck and I am frankly stunned that Aikman is as coherent as he is with all the concussions he had over the course of his career. I keep waiting for him to turn in to Phil Simms but so far he’s managed to avoid that. Clock’s probably ticking though.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

You know who is always good whenever I hear him? Rich Gannon.

Shogun Marcus

I think that’s universal across 90% of fanbases.
Might also be part of the concussion protocol.
“How many fingers? What day is it? Joe and Troy?”
“Murple. Pretty. Fuck them with firecanceraids.”
GOOD TO GO!

Sharkbait

I have 4 entries in a suicide pool. I picked Baltimore, Indy, Seattle and Atlanta. I hate everything right now.

Old School Zero

I picked the Raiders in the eliminator pool for week 1?! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I drafted Derek Carr AND Michael Crabtree.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Old School Zero

I drafted Carr twice and started him on one team this week.

I think we’ve been assimilated.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It was him, THE BEN or Sheli.

NO REGRETS!

Moonbatting Average

I’m sure God is just testing Russell

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Worked out okay for Joeb.

Bloody Lethal

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Fuck fuck fuck
FUCK
Fuckedity-fuck

blaxabbath

Fuck fuck fuck
FUCK
Fuckedity-fuck

yes.

Sill Bimmons

GEAUX HEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUXXXXXXXXXXX

Trevor Semen

I picked the Packers. I was scared shitless that they were going to lose to the Jags

Trevor Semen

Fuck you you piece of shit Chromebook. Start replying to the right people

Horatio Cornblower

BAN THIS MAN!!!!

Bloody Lethal

I’m with you. Not a fan of week 1 survivor death.

Old School Zero

Poor defensive showing by the 12s on this drive. Totally out of position with their cheers and signs.

fleshwound_NPG

Miami do not fuck this up (again)

Bloody Lethal

Not sure if Dallas has a defense or the Giants are just still inept…

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/006/026/futuramafry.jpg

Senor Weaselo

Yes?

Unsurprised

I should’ve saved that Mars Attacks pic to post for the Dak Attack banner

Old School Zero

You could still work out some Dak Man something something

/eats power pellets

Unsurprised

No. I just don’t have it on my phone and it took forever to find the first time.

Old School Zero

Say, how’s my fantasy team do–

/sees Snead on the bench
/shuts down computer

blaxabbath

Just checking in before taking off for Fake College Stadium. I see SEA is up 6-3 at hope. DangeRuss is sure earning that $87mil.

Bortleback

Pick me up a phony degree while you’re there, will you?

blaxabbath

You’ll be qualified to sit on Trump cabinet in no time!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“Qual-i-fied?”

–Trump

blaxabbath

Well, I mean, I assume he is white already.

Bortleback

White, but not American, so only suitable for a minor political appointment, like Secretary of State

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t sell yourself short, you could be Donald’s next wife.

Bortleback

I have a lot of lying under oath to do to catch up with her…..

blaxabbath

Russian? We can work with that!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Works for me!

— Rodney Harrison

Unsurprised

I hate that place. I hate Mike Bidwell. I hope Arizona falls into the earth’s core where it belongs.

Brocky

I know its a game, but i don’t think I’ve ever felt more justified in being mad at a player for a fantasy poerformance than I am russell wilson right now.

when your qb’s jersey number matches his score, you know you’re fucked

Bloody Lethal

Also I have them in survivor.

Gratliff

Carson Wentz sitting on my bench mocking me for picking Wilson with my first pick.

Sill Bimmons

I remember reading somewhere that Julia Louis–Dreyfus stands to inherit about 10% of this entire company:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Dreyfus_Company

http://i.makeagif.com/media/7-15-2015/98GuFA.gif

herodotus450

I sure could use $12,000…

Unsurprised

Yep. She’s loaded like Jim Irsay on a weekday

Kungjitsu

I want to get high with Peyton Manning.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Why? He’ll just try to get you to buy things.

Kungjitsu

What’s up folks?

Week 1 Notes so far:

Jags fan is already in moral victory mode
Hugh Jackson won’t make it to week 8
The Bucs and the Steelers are going to play in the Super Bowl, and Katie Nolan and Michelle Beadle are going to be told to “STICK TO SPORTS!!!!” 700 trillion times

Bortleback

– Jerry Jones to send Tony Romo to the glue factory
– Nanobubbles Wilson to be the subject of a “controlled demolition” the next time Suh gets a chance to stomp on him

Unsurprised

But all the good marrow oozed out after that hit broke his back

Old School Zero

Darr? More like durr.

Moonbatting Average

Eli’s helmet size:
1. Not big enough
2. Just right
3. That’s not a moon

Beastmode Ate My Baby

4. Big enough for all his crayons

John Difool
herodotus450
Horatio Cornblower

Off to pick up the pizza for tonight’s dinner.

Pizza and football rules, as long as it’s not Papa John’s.

Old School Zero

I’m gonna get some Popeye’s during the break.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Happy Ook!

I Will Dye Blonde

Perfect for first Sunday! Never, ever Papa John’s.

Bloody Lethal

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herodotus450

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Bloody Lethal

Eli really can’t make a short throw to save his life.

Old School Zero

The 12s really bungled that handoff.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Oh yeah, that’s right, fantasy makes you wish death on different kickers each week.

/Go for 2 Luck!

It worked! Gravy for all!

Sill Bimmons

The word “dissect” is pronounced “DISS–ect” not “die–SECT.”

Just like it’s spelled.

fleshwound_NPG

Lions are Lionsing

ThePirateSloth

The Seahawks should run a 2-back set ala Raiders Allen/Jackson offense.

/full homer

Gratliff

Let’s check in on Grat’s insanity league team:

comment image

Back to you, Jim.

Horatio Cornblower

‘I’ve made a huge mistake”

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Sill Bimmons

Dude had the symmetry beaten out of him!

Who is that dude?

Gratliff

That is one Chicago Made Punk.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s CM Punk, a former professional wrestler who’s UFC, (i.e., real fighting), lasted about three minutes and ended with him getting choked out.

http://i1.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/incoming/article9083168.ece/ALTERNATES/s615b/he-chose-poorly-memeJPG.jpg

Gratliff

I feel like real deserves more quotation marks there. That was some goofy shit last night, overall.

Horatio Cornblower

Haven’t seen most of the fights. That was not a card I was willing to pay for.

herodotus450

The Colts have a Whitehead too! And everybody can see, it’s so obvious! They must be so embarrassed!

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll admit it; I have a bit of a boner for ‘The Magnificent Seven’ remake.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Go home, Horatio. You’re drunk.

Old School Zero

I know we don’t always see eye to eye on everything, and this is one of those things.

John Difool

It’s already been remade before, it was called Star Wars.

Sill Bimmons

And “(insert Tarantino film name here).”

Beastmode Ate My Baby

You mean Battle Beyond the Stars.

http://i.makeagif.com/media/8-29-2015/zIAO7E.gif

John Difool

I love that movie. Awfully bad in a good way. Plus George Peppard basically playing himself.

Old School Zero

Hidden Fortress is more the Kurosawa movie that Star Wars ripped off. Though there is a little Seven Samurai in there, too.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s fine fuckers, I wasn’t going to share my popcorn with you anyway.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Sad Ook.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Just a bit of a boner? We can help with that.”

– Jimmy Johnson

ThePirateSloth

I’m reserved on the movie. From the trailers, I fully expect it to simply be a bromance Denzel/Chris movie with little to no regard to the other 5. If the other 5 have bigger roles, then I’ll be ok with it

Bloody Lethal

If you can type, you can drink.

John Difool

If you can breathe shallowly, have a weak pulse and can manage to make a fist, you can drink.