Your “Okay, NOW the Browns Are On The Clock!” Thursday Evening Open Thread

It’s seven days until the Draft.

NFL News:

  • Season schedules are scheduled for release at 8:00PM ET today.
    • Chargers – Broncos is rumoured to be the late-Monday Night game.
  • On the QB unemployment line:
    • TIME has named Colin Kaepernick one of its 100 Influential People of 2017, despite him being interesting in 2016.
      • his blurb was written by Jim Harbaugh, because Chip Kelly probably found out Kaep’s not Hawaiian, and Jim Tomsula was late because the 8:37 from Topeka was delayed.
    • Ryan Fitzpatrick is excited for his “next opportunity”, wherever that is.
      • Jay Cutler is still on vacation.
    • future member Kirk Cousins wants to be wanted. He also doesn’t want to be franchise tagged anymore.
  • On the active QB front, Eli Manning’s denying fraud allegations in a case over memorabilia.
    • an email in question shows Eli asking the Giants’ equipment manager for “two helmets that can pass as game used.”
      • the plaintiffs allege it means the gear wasn’t game-worn
      • Eli contends he was asking for game-day equipment that looked worn.
  • Sean Payton provided a victim-impact statement at the sentencing hearing for Cardell Hayes, the guy who shot former Saint Will Smith last year in a road-rage incident.
    • Payton talked about how Smith was going to join his staff in 2016, and about his rare qualities as a human being.
    • Hayes faces 60 years in jail for manslaughter & weapons charges.
  • Bills offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio might have discovered bath salts, or an undiagnosed menatl condition may have surfaced.


Canada 150:

On this day we remember to smoke weed for Hitler, other things also happened.

April 20, 1989 – much to the chagrin of its strippers and waiters, Canada printed its last $1 bills.

We have the loonie now. Don’t toss them at the dancers.

April 20, 1968 – Pierre Elliott Trudeau succeeds Lester B. Pearson as the 15th Prime Minister of Canada.

Seen here with future PM Justin.

Pierre replaced the resigning Lester Pearson as both Liberal leader and Prime Minister, who seemed happier than a pig in shit to be leaving.

There’s actually 4 PMs in this photo;l we just didn’t know it yet.

Two months later, Pierre would ride a wave of “Trudeaumania” to a majority government, something that had eluded the milquetoast Pearson his entire tenure.

Trudeau would be Prime Minister, with only minor interruption, from 1968-84. During the course of his tenure, he withstood the FLQ, patriated the Constitution & created the Charter of Rights, and also managed to fuck both Barbra Streisand and Kim Cattrall.

  

This one, not the coug’d out version your girlfriend or mother knows.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NFL: regular-season schedule release – 8:00PM | NFL Network / the internet
  • NHL:
    • Rangers at Canadiens – 7:00PM | USA / CBC                            (Series tied 2-2)
    • CBJ at Penguins – 7:00PM | NHL Network / Sportsnet               (Penguins lead 3-1)
    • Blackhawks at Predators – 8:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet360     (Nashville leads 3-0)
    • Sharks at Oilers – 10:30PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet                      (Series tied 2-2)
  • NBA:
    • Cavaliers at Pacers – 7:00PM | TNT
    • Raptors at Bucks – 8:00PM | TSN
    • Spurs at Grizzlies – 9:30PM | TNT

GO-GO NFL SCHEDULE!

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Unsurprised

Sessions probably does know better but doesn’t care because this world is now ruled by trolls and we’re all fucked. That said, he is a fucking moron, so he probably had to double check, but I’m sure he knows.

litre_cola

Anyone watching Ice football?

Brocky

not anymore. ice football is over till october. i’m not bitter at all.

my condolences on the lack of a 4/20 baby.

litre_cola

Yeah I really thought 2 days late that today was the day.

theeWeeBabySeamus

On in the background.

Mr. Ayo

Of course.
Also, why does Canada suck so much at ice football?

Wakezilla

Canada won the 2016 World Cup, 2014 Olympics, 2010 Olympics, 2004 World Cup and 2002 Olympics. The shit you talking about, Willis?

Mr. Ayo

I’m seeing some gaps there sport

Wakezilla

Olympics are every 4 years.

litre_cola

Think ayo means nhl teams.

litre_cola

Pressure.

Senor Weaselo

I would but I have to be up by 6:45 or so tomorrow. I should probably go to bed.

Brocky

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Unsurprised

The new MST3K host is going to be performing at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. I’m going to be volunteering, but I don’t know when or where yet.

Unsurprised

Strategic shadow placement isn’t safe for the site, is it? https://pixxxels.org/gallery/3irywwfk6/

ballsofsteelandfury

Seems ok to me.

Brick Meathook

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WCS

How very Moose of you.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

National University’s​ new tagline is “For the Greater.”

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Unsurprised

That line just came on as I began typing this.

Gratliff

The pic that launched a million captions.

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Unsurprised

God, I want the world to end so badly now.

Gratliff

I mean, the Horsemen are all gathered in one place now.

Unsurprised

Those fucking idiots couldn’t ride horses even if they were goddamn centaurs.

Plus Trump is just too fucking fat.

WCS

In 500 years, they’ll look back at this photo and say, “Oh, that’s why.”

Brocky

i’m weirdly proud that i don’t recognize the guys in the hats.

just saying

WCS

The Nuge on the left, Kid Rock next to him. A true meeting of Michigan’s braintrust.

Brocky

Lol, my first thought was hank williams jr.

Honest to god i hate people who think the midwest is the south.

Gratliff

They’re definitely giving Palin a run for her money as dumbest in the room

Brocky

lol, i thought that was melania.

there’s a joke somewhere about how palin’s popularity was directly tied to her attractiveness.

Unsurprised

Melania probably flew back to Manhattan in an SR-71 after the Easter Egg Roll. She was pissed that there’s nothing faster.

blackroseMD1

Should there be an official name for a group of three morons and a pedophile?

Unsurprised

So, yeah. It’s beginning to feel like I’ve given up. This sucks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t do that.
We like you too much to let you do that.

Buck up, little soldier. Hating the world is par for the course. But ya can’t give up.

Unsurprised

I guess it can’t be that bad that I recognize it, but it fucking sucks.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Agreed on both counts.

litre_cola

Nah man don’t do that. Find the smallest thing that gives you solace. For me when I was at the lowest it was pugs. As trivial as it sounds, I then rescued a pug. No matter how shit anything was i took solace in that.

WCS

#LOLHAWKS

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They just didn’t want to risk getting close enough to the Cup to have to go to Trump’s White House.

Gratliff

Smart, as the White House is currently near its maximum allowed rapists point.

Unsurprised

It’s already exceeded what should be the limit. You know, zero.

Gratliff

That was not a limit that held up very long from the moment it was built.

Unsurprised

Yeah, well. There’s nothing anyone could do about slavery. And, well, you can’t expect slave owners NOT to rape their slaves. That’s insane.

Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

Kawhi fucking Leonard.
That’s all I have to say…
Kawhi fucking Leonard.

Do carry on please…

Gratliff

Obligatory fuck Chicago.

...

LOL Blackhawks

Unsurprised

Fuck the world.

litre_cola

I was told there would be smoothies.

Unsurprised

But you need a $400 machine first.

Sharkbait

MIIIIIIKKKKAAAAAAA!!!

Gratliff

I can’t hear Uptown Funk anymore without immediately thinking of Will Ospreay and the Uptown Funkers just ruining the fuck out of the business. It’s impossible to not enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhu7gdxMCxs

Unsurprised

That song sucks.

Gratliff

It does. So much. Corny wrestling shit has a way of endearing me to things.

Wakezilla

Just once, I would for something this stupid to happen on Raw. Do it on their christmas episode, or something.

Unsurprised

I don’t even like wrestling, but this is great.
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JustStopDude

I fucking hate the Spurs. I don’t know what it is about them, but when I watch them play, I want them to lose non-fucking-stop.

Its like watching a European soccer match with their flopping.

Romonobyl

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JustStopDude

Around 430pm, I got asked to sit in on a conference call to a gas compressor station in Wyoming that was having intermittent drive problems.

I just got to my fucking house now.

I don’t make overtime.

I would love to know how this fell under the “training” department’s responsibility.

Unsurprised

It’s a color thing?

Gratliff

First hockey I’ve watched this month and it’s a clusterfuck late series OT. Good times.

Unsurprised

Shit. I haven’t done anything all day, and blew off three events I had thought about attending.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I fucking hate it when developers (looking at you Google) try to idiot-proof their software by imitating xcode’s layout tools and then FORGET TO INCLUDE THE FUCKING BUTTON RESPONSE FUNCTION IN THEIR MOST BASIC TUTORIAL.

Seriously, it’s the absolute most basic tutorial there is, and they are going to confuse the shit out of their most basic beginner users.

Gratliff

All the more reason I’m happy I went the automation scripting route instead of development.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I firmly believe that this drag-and-drop shit is a bad idea.

Gratliff

Google’s general insistence on helping is rage inducing. You should try working in education. Google’s entire future strategy is based on market penetration at the k-12 level, and they went in dry and hard.

JerBear50

Does Google coach at Penn State?

Gratliff

Somewhere around here, I have a picture of a 7 year old Gratliff rocking a Nittany Lions sweater in a school photo. It’s a pic adorable enough to make JoePa turn a blind eye.

Unsurprised

These Objectivist idiots have been “helping” since Clinton was president, so sure, let’s give the on-the-spectrum techbros who grew up sheltered as fuck and now work in the enclave comprising world’s most surreal mockery of capitalism and reality the keys to educating normal kids. What could go wrong.

Unsurprised

I think school isn’t hard enough, but I also know that I am not the baseline for which to create any school’s curriculum, let alone the nation’s.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The original tutorials were iffy enough, this new attitude of “DON’T LOOK AT THE ACTUAL CODE!” is horrifying.

theeWeeBabySeamus

– A. Hernandez

Unsurprised

Always. CLI forever.

Gratliff

I sort of feel bad for not watching the playoffs, but in my defense, what a fucking shitshow the season ended up being. Record setting losing seasons where you’re still only getting a middling draft pick are the best.

Sharkbait

That sounds like the 1998-2003 Ice Giants.

Gratliff

You know what? It kind of does.

WCS

Now, how about the Ice Titans knocking the Ice Ditkas out nice and quick-like, too?

Sharkbait
WCS

Movin’ on to Round Two.

O AN U NOE WCS GON DRANK BULLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DAT

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hopefully Caps can manage not to mess any further and meet Yinz there.

...

The one good thing about Chiefs at Patriots to open the season is that i can dream of another Brady season ending injury.

...

Browns at Bears on Christmas Eve. I’m gonna chug all the spiked egg nog until I die.

...

We’ll all watch this game since the Browns will somehow break their 0-for-the-season streak and all the Swerskis will just die.

King Hippo

Donks get 3 SNF, plus MNF and TNF. Despite being, you know…kinda shitty.

Don T

Oh look, another fuckload of Eagles and Redacted games on prime time outside the flex zone. BUT, the Titans made MNF. And the Thursday game won’t be the JAX – TEN superclásico. Instead, TEN @ PIT, which could get testy.
In sum,
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ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dig a bigger hole, Hippo.
And grab a new basket for me if you can…I’ll be right over.
Bringing a “friend”.

ballsofsteelandfury

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theeWeeBabySeamus

You have my attention…

King Hippo

wow, I liked seeing her in the bathtub. But equally wow, did that show get fucking tedious after the first 2 seasons.

Shogun Marcus

Agreed. It became quite a chore to see it to the end.

King Hippo

You made it further than I did. Think I got to the penultimate? Whenever the dumber kid went to cop school, I stopped.

Shogun Marcus

Actually I think I gave up now that I remember.

WCS

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Gratliff

Let me know when it’s time for this gif so I can bask in the derp
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theeWeeBabySeamus

That was a pretty goal.

WCS

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit I flipped over to O’s and missed that one.

Gratliff

Is there some trick to embedding tweets?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it showing for you? I used the embed code but all it did for me was produce the link. Click on the date to see the video.

Gratliff

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Gratliff

Our Attorney General, the 4-term US Senator, Juris Doctor out of University of Alabama, Jeff “What the Actual Fuck” Sessions, is amazed that a judge in Hawaii can block a law.

Sharkbait

That he voted for.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’d expect that out of a North Carolina graduate, but Alabama?

Hmm. Yeah, I guess that’s not so surprising either.

litre_cola

No baby for litre on 4 20. Unless shit really picks up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The new Rise Against album comes out on 6/9?

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Latest single, for those inclined:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7bvMlfmTm4

WCS

Curse of 3-0 is happening in Yinzburgh.

King Hippo

MOAR LIEK curse of continuing to play fucking Flower.

/also, where the Ron Paul gif??

Sharkbait

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WCS

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anyone want to say fuck it and play poker early?

theeWeeBabySeamus

In about 30 minutes, yes.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Anyone want to say fuck it and cook me dinner?

WCS

After hawkey.

Sharkbait

Should be 1-1. Montreal Typical.

Sharkbait

Fuck you Marc Staal.

WCS

PHAT PHIL WOOO

Sharkbait

God I hate Montreal.

The team, not the city.

ballsofsteelandfury

Was Barbra Streisand EVER hot?

I’ll give him credit for Catrall, but…

Shogun Marcus

Noap.

laserguru

Your call.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Not quite in the spirit of the day, but if you see a woman wearing this, say hello to Hippo’s new ex-wife.

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https://www.moschino.com/us/moschino/shoulder-bag_cod45322911so.html#dept=bgsll

theeWeeBabySeamus

Or possibly his next kidnapping victim.

King Hippo

Little Column A, Little Column B

theeWeeBabySeamus

It puts the gigantic pill bottle in the basket….