I guess you’re wondering why I called this meeting. I’ll tell you why but first I think we need to give a round of applause to all the dickbags that provided summer (ie., ‘unfootball’) time content on this here football-centric blog. Y’all did yeoman’s work to keep us engaged and coming back again and again. Nicely done. And now to the matter at hand. You’re here because you love football. Or maybe you hate football in that weird way that you hate your ex. Or maybe you love to hate football. Or maybe you hate that you love football. No matter-it’s back and your jaundiced eyeballs are begging to see that sweet, sweet large man on large man action. Perhaps for just a little while we can forget about those players (too many) and their penchant for domestic abuse or the brain-addling inconsistencies of the punishments meted out against them. (Okay, Zeke gets to play the first game and then his suspension kicks in? Got it.) The garbage surrounding the game is hard to take but the game itself? I do like it and commenting with you fellow woebegone souls makes it that much better. So let’s dig in and enjoy the shit out of this. TO THE GAME!
Chiefs/Pats: Good old Alex Smith. For a guy that is only behind Russell Wilson and Tom Brady in games won over the last four years he sure gets a lot of grief for being the game manager that he is. Most of the rookie qb hype that I came across in the pre-season was centered around Mitch “Truth Biscuit” Trubisky but out Kansas City way the folks are drooling over a certain Patrick Mahomes and his big-ass arm. Apparently the Chiefs cut CJ Spiller about five hours before game time so that his contract isn’t guaranteed for the entire year. I hope I’m wrong because that seems remarkably petty. The guy is on the books for 615k, for Goodell’s sake! That leaves KC with only two rb’s for the game and the starter, rook Kareem Hunt, will be joining the illustrious company of Duce Staley, Brian Westbrook, LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles as players that Andy Reid has run into the ground. Freaking Brady is forty and it looks as though his arm strength is still there and he’s got a full complement of toys to play with. Recent acquisition Brandin Cooks is going to stretch the field (don’t sleep on Phil Dorsett and his 4.33 speed though) so that Gronk can work the middle of the field. The guy I’m looking to have a career year is Chris Hogan-it takes a year to wash all the Buffalo Bills stink off so I think he’s ready to make some noise. Perhaps your thinking Amendola is going to be the guy? Jokes on you-simply by mentioning his name out loud you caused him to strain a hamstring.
Well, the meeting is adjourned. Go out there and do your worst/best. If there are any new commenters out there this is probably the second best place to introduce yourselves aside from the new guys post that Seamus put up a few days ago. Have at it and I’ll see you down below.
Last time of the Door Flies Open Football Game Open Thread:
Did not expect to have an erection this early in the night, but I’m not complaining, really.
I have the doctor on speed dial in case this goes longer than 4 hours
Someone please tell me when this is over I killed the sound and am not looking at the TV.
Just fucking kill me already.
YEAH SO WAT I LEFT THA FACKIN GAME EAHLY?!! WOULD YA RATHA HAVE AFFLACK OAH A FACKIN DAHKIE CELEBRITY? JUST FACKIN WITH YA, THOSE AINT REAL!
Marky Mark…..Why?
He nearly beat to death a minority in his youth?
/just a guess
FUCK OFF WAHLBERG YOU DIDN’T WITNESS SHIT YOU FUCKING QUIT ON YOUR TEAM IN THE THIRD QUARTER.
FEEL IT FEEL IT, FEEL THE BANDWAGON
I DO NOT WANT TO RELIVE THIS STOP STOP STOP STOP
MAHHHKY MAHHHK!!!
A regular at Jackie’s Packie, Route thirty-foah
OH my god start the fucking game already
You say that now…
Gonna pour myself a little of the Basil Hayden to get things started.
The Glenlivet 15 over here.
2 v-profen
Makers in a Manhattan
Deschutes Cultivateur
Alright, I’ll be back for the game action but, right now, I gotta go see if I can’t prod Sill…
*ALARM SIRENS GO OFF*
WHO DARES SAY THE FORBIDDEN WORD?
Sill is still alive? I thought he’d have stroked out for sure since I was last here.
Funny you mention that
Pee-Wee Herman? Is that you?
pic unrelated
pic unrelated
pic unrelated
Goodell and all the owners can eat shit and die.
See – this I just don’t get. If you can shoot a photo then you can shoot a gun, cameraman.
Goodell is already halfway there.
Making tens of millions so that his bosses can make hundreds of millions? It’s a good gig.
Bill looks a little more like a shambling corpse than usual. Dungy, on the other hand, looks as much like Nosferatu as he ever has.
The Dunge is still upset he wasn’t cast in The Strain.
Are we sure he wasn’t?
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0cz5-MA4aZ0/VDIIKbMW2uI/AAAAAAAAKps/Po75A2cbofI/s1600/Robert%2BMaillet%2Bas%2BThe%2BMaster%2Bin%2BFX%2BThe%2BStrain%2BSeason%2BFinale%2BEpisode%2B13%2BThe%2BMaster.jpg
I heard Greg Schiano is suing the creators for copyright infringement.
I’m fully aware this is fucked up and the Hurricane Irma has killed people already, BUT!
Looking at those satellite photos, I can’t help but see something beautiful about how perfectly formed this destructive monster looks.
It is truly amazing. I would say, “an awesome force of nature,” but climate change has mutated that hurricane into something no longer natural.
Hey – people worshipped Galactus.
Holy shit, GrumbleLord just smiled AND told a dick joke!
As much as I hate him, he seems capable of some form of happiness.
Saban on the other hand appears to think happiness is some sort of disease.
Happiness to Bill Belichick is two or three ringed fingers knuckle-deep in your recently divorced aunt.
Yes, the finer things of life.
Hello, Banner Committee? Yep, got one.
Well, that explains the winged demons blackening the sky all of a sudden.
O AN U KNO WE GON DRANK, BULLEE DAT. CHUH CHUH
So what are we watching tonight?
Anything on?
Nothing good.
Hopefully a meteor strike.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvNzhKTXweQ
Let’s do this.
Let’s go Madden Curse: G.O.A.T. Fuck Yourself Edition!
Gentlemen.
Isn’t it time to change to “Hackenchez”?
Also, hello.
Jesus, it’s been so long since I’ve had any free time I’ve missed about 6 Jet quarterbacks (so, like, a couple of weeks).
Let’s see. There’s
Hackenchez
Petberg
HaCCkown
Petchez
EmergencyQBWhateverWRPlayedQBInHighSchool…chez
I’m like a hurricane? I beg to differ.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqNXJ12hLWA
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOYS???????
Your image failed to get loaded. Poor image.
It took me to a redirect page where it asked if I wanted to read an article about reasons to love Gronkowski. I did not want to read that article.
I hope he gets dick cancer.
I don’t really have anything against Gronk except for the fact that he plays for Trump’s Team.
“I don’t really have anything against Baldur von Schirach except for the fact that he plays for Trump’s Team.”
Holy shit — I thought I’d have to edit that more….
what the fuck fuck you commenting system i’m not even drunk yet
I’m in a very surly mood tonight, so that means Andy Reid will use four timeouts in the first half, Alex Smith will throw for 68 yards (not nice), and the Patriots will by 52.
That’s a favouriate of mine.
…Who uses sandpaper and motor oil? Asking for a friend.
I’d like to know more about the Y-axis of that Pleasure Graph. Results look a little (whole lot) way too close.
It’s probably log scale, but not really cause that’s not what you’re talking about I just like log scale
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGfKi6kpdTQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XafOAAvZmUA&ab_channel=77RazzMan
“Hey Tom! Do your Micheal J. Fox impression that you think is so funny.”
pleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizurepleasebeaseizure
I’ve seen those moves before. NSFW
Bob Kraft, wearing Nikes with his $4,000 suit. Of course, if I had that kind of money, I’d wear Nikes with my $4,000 cargo shorts.
I am looking forward to how viciously the Massholes and TAWMMIES boo The Rog, though.
Here’s to you-the greatest crack-loving, minor-seducing, leg-breaking, quarterback-hunting, two time Super Bowl-winning, bankruptcy-declaring, bad-ass of all time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWB9ia_ZPjk
I sure wish the Diamondbacks played in the AL East; their ridiculous streak might actually get more than a Fox Sports Scoreboard Update mention.
Now imagine how you’ll feel when the Brewers somehow sneak into the second wild card and knock off the D’Backs in that single game playoff.
Fuck the Brewers and that cheat Ryan Braun. He’s T*m Br*dy without the success.
Ryan Braun got a judge fired, ppl forget that.
Going to a Cubs-Brewers game in Milwaukee is great because the booing there is somehow *louder* than at Wrigley because of all the dopey Cubs fans who head up there.
Is this where we go to talk about the Dirt BOLTMEN game in an hour?
SWEEP! SWEEP! SWEEP!
/I will have KMOX feed on the radio, evil Greater Footy sides on mute
I’ll glad you give you the game tonight if the Donkos decimate the Spanoi on Monday.
^^ Pace yourself, LCSS, it’s a long season of hate.
I like how RW is such a white-friendly black guy, that his TD dance is “I can’t dance.” Too bad he’s such a goshdarned liberal ,, smh.
Have fun storming the castle!
Stuck at work until 7:00 PDT after which I will be watching the game on delay.
Welcome back!
Heart attack ad. Great target, NFL fans.
I am hoping to time mine for immediately after the university basketballing tourneyment ends. Sooner rather than later.
But in-Greater Footy season would be a travesty. And it’s not like I’mma do anything to slow that train down.
Go Madden Curse! It’s basically the only football thing that might be successful this year that I root for.
Woot! Another week, another HRTN!
And it’s getting weird. Don’t ask me why. I just write the damn thing.
/Let’s see if removing the i. at the beginning works.
Dude, I think it writes you.
I’m beginning to think you’re right.
Welcome everyone to the first chapter of the story in which the Patriots win yet another goddamned Super Bowl.
It was the price I was willing to pay to prevent a Cowboys SB appearance, and I stand by my decision.
This will not surprise you, I am with Grat.
I will cut you both
“I will cut you both.”
-Chip Kelly, to any pair of black 3-star recruits
blax is fucking rolling tonight, how many beers in?
keto flu.
Life has been good for Nazis since Trump’s election, no reason it would stop now.
This is sadly banner-worthy.
WCS IS BACK!
Each of the Patriot’s next Super Bowl rings will have 1488 diamonds.
How the fuck you boys doin’?
Re-introduction – after KSK folded it’s tent I went into a deep, deep funk that was not cleared until the Pats won another Super Bowl. No, not really. My Army work computer filters did not much care for DFO, so I fell off the net until I finally departed the Army and am now happily ensconced outside Asheville, NC, surrounded by Panther fans. Glad to be back!
Happy to see you.
Fuck the Patriots with Mr. Kraft’s severed dick.
Golfing my ass off, WCS.
Good on you. Real money is in the private sector!
HUZZAH!
/Asheville is the tits
//the NC contingent is surprisingly large here
///by my count, exactly 0 of us are Panthers fans
Do we have any at all? I don’t think so, right?
Methinks u rite
I can be a Panthers fan, I’m already programmed to make excuses for our controversial QB with an incompetent GM and an asshole owner named Jerry
Looking forward to the remarkably dirty feeling of cheering for the Chefs, then consoling myself when the P*ts win by 20 that at least my 2nd least favourite team lost!
Who’s number one? Pats? Or Raiders?
P*ts. I grudgingly respect the Raiders, and LIKE that rivalry. A “love to hate” so to speak.
#onenation
Go meteor?
#RapeyRat
I love how inter-division hate knows just no boundaries.
I have complete, utter disdain for the Chefs. I have good memories of in-game fights with the Raiders. They have earned their place at the table of rivalry. And their presence in the NFL is just manifestly fun/chaotic evil.
I know Cookie Crisp has gone downhill since they replaced Chip the Dog with Chip the Wolf, but I didn’t realize the new one needed a second job.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82E7vhtLxNs
Damnation. My beer shipment has been delayed a week. It was the only think I had to look forward to this weekend.
So, you’re a Jets fan, eh?
i’m just here for the dick jokes.
Looks like Myles Garret will be doing a lot of kneeling for the Browns as well.
There’s absolutely no way he doesn’t spontaneously combust by Week 7. A potential generational talent simply isn’t allowed to be successful on the Browns.
The joke’s on every other franchise that actually tries to win: the browns still get the same revenue share money of (looks up amount with popular search engine) 244 Million?!>? And the salary cap is only (looks up amount with popular search engine) 167 Million? So every NFL
teamowner makes (furiously types numbers into Cray Computer and reads printout) 77 Million to just sit around and bilk local municipalities?And Haslam is definitely tanking that salary number, so he is getting $100M easily.
I’m banking that he gets nailed for PEDs and then knocks out his girlfriend during his suspension. Double Whammy NFLPA Tax kicks in and Rog gives him 82 games.
No more methadone. I WANT THE REAL SHIT!
You want the real shit? That’s Divine.
I thought that was Najeh.
Work sucked terribly today. I hate the Pats, dislike Andy, BUT IT IS STILL FOOTBALL AND DICK JOKES.
“WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE FOOTBALL AND DICK JOKES.”
Rick to Ilsa, over the roar of the plane’s engine
“WHAT?”
-Ilsa to Rick
“THAT PLANE IS NOT LOUDER THAN US!”
– Stupid Seahawks Fans