Scotchy worked hard all weekend on the liveblogs – 2149 comments! – so I thought I’d give him a break and tie tonight’s matches into my usual falderal.
NFL News:
- The NFL has filed an appeal of the injunction that’s allowed Ezekiel Elliott to remain eligible to play the 2017 season.
- They had to file it in the Fifth Circuit, which is Texas, rather than their preferred venue of New York, which is the Second Circuit, because that court ruled first & against them.
- They applied for an expedited appeal, as the season has started & waiting until the end would make any 2017 punishment meaningless.
- The last time, “expedited” meant 6 months in the Brady case, so look for Zeke to play the whole season, unless something goes awry.
- Finding a third party to blame is the Patriots, who are replacing the turf at Gillette Stadium.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
- Interestingly, the team touted that very feature — it “plays soft, feels real, looks great and hangs tough” — when it announced the installation of the surface this year.
- It should be done in time for their next home game on September 24th. The finest crews in New England shall be ‘recruited’ for the task.
- It “doesn’t meet team standards,” said a spokesperson. The surface is apparently “too soft”.
Finally, this shit from last night was ridiculous.
Game Preview: Saints at Vikings
It’s the AP Bowl, because after 10 years under contract – and 8 years of actual game play – with the Vikings, Minnesota gets to experience what Packer fans felt when the prodigal son returns home. Get ready to see a bunch of yahoos shaking twigs & belts at AP (because child abuse is HILARIOUS!)
Actually looking at the game, each QB has a semblance of a receiving corp to work with. For New Orleans, they’ve got a QB better than his targets. Michael Thomas & Willie Snead are all good, but after that it’s a bit of a drop-off – as evinced by the existence of Ted Ginn Jr. on the Saints roster. This handy graphic dates back to the Panthers, but still should suffice:
Meanwhile, being available for the checkdown is what being a Sam Bradford receiver is all about. Y’know, Alex Smith catches all sorts of shit for his tendency to dink & dunk his passes, but Sam Bradford is right up there, but with a dopier outlook of life.
His #1 receivers are the consistent mix of ebony & ivory that keeps Vikings fans hard & targeted on whom to blame. Stefon Diggs & Adam Thielen will be open on most plays; it’s whether Bradford can find them in time before he decides the third deck should have the chance to catch a pass.
The defences are both suspect, so whichever QB gets hot tonight will probably win their team the game.
Game Preview: Clippers Chargers at Broncos
So, the Chargers… [SKY FLIES OPEN]
Okay then.
The Broncos have a ton of quality receivers, a rebuilt offensive line – including DFO-previewed #1 pick Garett Bolles – and a strong defence that still includes noted chicken aficionado Von Miller and probable chicken killer Aqib Talib. To guide this team they have acquired the finest quarterbacks outside of Junior Floyd. They already had Trevor Siemian & Paxton Lynch under contract, but to really round out the competency,
John Elway went alley-shopping and brought home Brock Ostweiler, $34 million richer but absolutely no better than when he left. As long as the three of them can be trusted to throw balls to the right coloured jerseys, Denver should come out on top.
[Ron Howard voice: They could not be trusted.]
Tonight’s sports:
- NFL:
- Saints at Vikings – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
- Chargers at Broncos – 10:15PM | ESPN / TSN
- MLB:
- Orioles at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
- Dodgers at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1
- WWE:
- Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
That’ll wrap up Week-1. Hey games – JUST DON’T SUCK!
How’s it going, boys and gals? I see the clippers are doing about as well as an NBA team would against an NFL participant
I mean, Chris Paul didn’t even suit up ,, smh
I don’t wanna hurt anyone’s feefees but I don’t think the Shitty Clippers are very good, y’all
Only sports media is trying to make them a thing despite the obvious. I hope yesterday’s game hurt soorts media’s ass as much as the NFLs
I’m amused that a lot of people seemed to be describing them as “underrated” going into the season.
I think it’s true in that a lot of people were forgetting to rate them.
no they were called “under rated” they are so bad that they are below the rated teams
Were they sports media people? Their treatment reminds me of when TSN first got the Jets and they’d pick them to won the cup despite the team being a dumpster fire in Atlanta
Cool, let’s have one more Melvin Gordon touchdown and all go home.
Just end the game Chargers. Hasn’t 9/11 been through enough already?
APEDOWN
(Ook-ook?)
Competence?
anyone else watch “The Duece” I keep going back and forth in wondering if Maggie Gyllenhaal is attractive and a good actress.
No and yes
She was oddly both an upgrade to Katie Holmes and yet the weakest part of the Dark Knight.
No to both
I think too many people mistake whining for passion.
IT’S NAWHT FAIR!
Cutler yells at his receivers to get their heads out of their ass and he’s not a poor leader, Lazerface and Brady bitch constantly at the refs and they are great leaders.
Here’s a nice bengal for Redshirt and any bodypaint aficionados.
h
ttp://pixhost.org/show/13/51350979_jk9.gif
LONG LIVE KING LASERFACE
FLOATERCEPTION
Do you think Beth was warned not to wear open toed shoes in the booth with Rex?
If your franchise can’t get Ricky Williams, Reggie Bush or Adrian Peterson to produce… maybe just maybe it’s your fault.
You’re forgetting one of the greatest runners in NFL history, Aaron Brooks.
I feel like there’s a grow operation in Humboldt somewhere that discovered that there’s a vast difference between “gross” and “net” production thanks to Ricky Williams.
I still think of Shaun of the Dead whenever I hear “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen
bad OL is still bad
Dear lord, these Chargers receivers are absolutely brilliant at overdramatic diving, flailing, and spasming
Just like their QB
“Please don’t perpetuate a stereotype by referring to my diving as ‘overdramatic’.”
– Greg Louganis
“Challenge accepted.” -LeBron James, Sidney Crosby, the entire Italian Men’s Soccer team…
I took the day off and had a couple of hours to waste so I saw “It.”
I’m a huge fan of the book and I thought it was a great deal of fun.
Stayed true to the book and had more of a fun house horror type of feel than a “Horror” horror type of feel.
Good stuff. Take that ride.
As long as you can get past the clown thing.
Texans vs. Bengals: Let’s Just Get This One Out of the Way Nice and Early.
I see that this is the C-team announcers with the D-team production team.
Siemian demonstrating… competence?
Or giving us a preview of how he’ll get one or both of his knees destroyed, a la RG3
Well if i had to bet on an ape or a giant lobster i’d put my money on the ape
He’s evolving right before our eyes!
Over the course of his career Philip Rivers has gone from ‘fiery’ to ‘demonstrative’ to ‘flamboyant’ to, and I’m pretty sure this is a direct quote, ‘conducting intricate and artistically innovative interpretive dance routines after every third down.’
Doesn’t Rivers believe flamboyance is a sin?
Well, he thinks dance is a sin too, but the tape speaks for itself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq3Q3FfJkK4
The sideline reporter is totally carrying this broadcast
In his diaper?
I believe you mean his Dipper.
These announcers sound like two space aliens who are trying to imitate football announcers.
Announcer.exe has performed an illegal operation and needs to be shut down.
Silly aliens. Football announcers aren’t human.
It’ll be interesting to see if Beth Mowins will improve as the season goes on. I hope so. It’s always uncomfortable when a pioneer sucks.
PUNTER TACKLE!
Rex likes coaches who are fleet of foot?
/Ill see myself out
//to the kitchen where the bourbon is
10 to 1 Coach Ryan calls his co-host Doris before the night is over.
Any takers?
Welp I have bullshit adulting to do tomorrow, so I’m off like a prom dress.
Hopefully BOLTMAN will be sated by the blood of his enemies.
Later, Taters!
Did all of San Diego get pregnant when Cromartie and Lazerface played together?
His last name is fucking DIPP!?!
ESL
Well that was impressive.
Shots!
There’s no way I’m gonna regret doing shots after eating wings right?
Again, only if you don’t share.
I wouldnt make them ‘Weaselo’ style if I were you.
you just might shit the bed. How close is the laundromat? You don’t wanna use your own machine for THAT
My washer is quite experienced thank you very much.
No need to slut shame it
seems Denver forgot that running plays are allowed
Yeah, I thought that Shanahan went to SF, not Denver
There’s no way I’m gonna regret eating wings this time of night right?
Nope. Not at all
Only if you don’t share.
What he said.
No 2 christmases though.
Is that sideline reporter a retarded kid?
Make-A-Wish in action, I guess.
“Special” Brick, “special”
“How would you like to be told your child was ‘minimally exceptional’?” – George Carlin
Honestly the most shocking thing to me is that Bennie Fowler is good now.
Is that sideline reporter the bastard child of William Shatner or is he just terrible at reading off cue cards?
Who the fuck is this guy?
Is the sideline reporter a Westworld plant?
“it doesn’t remind me of anything at all, Rex”
Ha!!
Is it bring your kid to the sidelines night at ESPN?
I would enjoy no more CJ Anderson going forward, thank you.
considering wha happen to David Johnson, I sure could use Jamaal Charles showing why he needs more touches going forward, effective immediately
with the extra point, I am tied at exactly 148.23-148.23.
That’s kind of hilarious.
We still employ tiebreaker players, from the era before fractional scoring, and my Sam Bradford would kill his Mike Glennon, so long as McManus doesn’t miss anything. Or commit a turnover.
“SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORSAKE YOUR ELDER GODS, UNCLEAN ONES?”
I see Los Angeles got the franchise and players but San Diego got the talent in the divorce.
THIS SIEMIAN I CALL HIM ANTONIE CROMARTIE BECAUSE HE’S UNUSUALLY EFFECTIVE
Fowler? I hardly– [flagged for celebration]
The Raiders of the Lost Ark reboot looks weird.
Why didn’t the Chargers challenge that pass – it never went forward! Should have been a fumble for a huge loss.
because SHUT UP!!!
It was though, wasn’t it?
grumble grumble yeah
OH FUCK YES!
WOOO!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8OtzJtp-EM
Jefferson Beauregard S. downvotes this