Seriously, when I looked at yesterday’s schedule, there was not one game that I was interested in watching. Steelers-Clots wasn’t even available in LA. We were instead given the merde-pourri of Vikings-Redacteds, Cowboys-Falcons, RAMMIT-Texans, and Shitty Clippers-Jaguras. And then on Sunday night, we were given Pats-Broncos? Yeah Right. Now that I think about it, I think he was the only one happy yesterday.
So, to Roger Goodell I say:
My favorite NASCAR driver, Kyle Busch, was already safely in the final four for Homestead, so the Phoenix race held no special appeal and it ended up being a blissful day without sports. It’s a beautiful world out there, folks.
And now we have this rancid cream cheese frosting as the topper of the shitcake that was NFL Week 10: Dolphins at Panthers.
If I wanted to see a cat beaten to submission by a bunch of other cats, I’d go to Woodrocket.com. As it is, we are going to have Cutler struggling to stay upright while the Panthers’ defence dials up blitz after blitz. The Miami D has been quite decent, which means that this may be a low-scoring game in which the outcome is never in doubt. Ugh.
Let’s see, what else is on?
Is Lucifer any good?
What about Supergirl?
Nah, I think we’re better off sticking to the tried and true Monday Night RAW:
If you are actually going to subject yourself to this torture of an NFL game, at least have a drink and raise it to Beerguyrob’s ass. Not literally.
Also, I’m willing to bet you that this gif that Moose posted on Saturday night captivates your attention more than this game will:
Ok, I’ve tried my best to dissuade you from watching. Have at it you addicts!
Carson Wentz has this tattoo
Seems more appropriate
A friend of mine does as well. He got it to cover up another tattoo dedicated to his ex-wife.
Never, ever, get a tattoo related to a significant other. Kiss of death.
I totally forget that the Dolphins were participating in this game….good for them.
You aren’t supposed to get your “oh by the way” TD in the third quarter, Miami.
Fucking opaque fuses
Reading the Turner Diaries again?
I heard Carson Wentz likes Genos
Genos East or Genos Least?
The shitty one.
What, all that and no shot to the balls?
So based on my theory that the NFL is rigged to the same degree as professional wrestling, I’m hoping the league office tells the Patriots to lie down against my Raiders in order to…I don’t know, make the battle for home field advantage in the AFC more interesting?
The Raiders (or NFL?) are distributing laser pointers to all self-proclaimed Raider-fan ticket buyers for next week’s game. Brady is going to have to wear grade 11 welding goggles out there.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/sports/nfl/2016/11/21/laser-pointers-texans-raiders-mexico-city-estadio-azteca/94255172/
THIS TOM BRADY I️ CALL HIM RAINIER WOLFCASTLE BECAUSE THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!
/Godfuckingdammit iPhone
Hit the treadmill today for the first time in a while. I think I’m dying.
First 2 weeks are just the worst.
“First 2 years are the worst. In fact, it never changes, just your body in positive ways. . . usually”
Fixed that for you, Litre
Appreciate it.
Since the start of September, I’ve gone from doing 5 miles in 20 minutes every other day on an elliptical to doing 9 miles in 33ish every other day a month ago, to doing 6 miles a day in about 19 mins now. After 3 weeks of the daily grind, It somehow still feels like misery and I don’t know that I care that it’s making me feel healthier. I hate it so much if it broke, I’d probably find god again.
What’s the average speed/per hour to do that?
Usually it’s just under 19 mph, but I keep the resistance fairly high. If it’s too low it feels like I’m moving through nothing and aggravates me.
9 miles in 33 minutes is “Kenyan on Meth” speed my friend.
Well, no. Not when you factor in that I’m on an elliptical and up the resistance to near max and turn it into a virtual strength exercise.
Exercise makes you die more slowly while making it feel like you’re dying right away.
Yeah, I’d been riding the recumbent bike a little (not a euphemism) but that ain’t running. And coming back to altitude after a week at sea level didnt help.
Does that mean you were under the sea?
https://youtube.com/watch?v=wwo8yXXgj40&feature=youtu.be
Wow. The big version is more creepy than funny.
I guess that might be true for other things too.
With Ben Affleck’s allegations, Gal Gadot’s militaristic past and now Zack Snyder’s Amazon warriors’ costumes, can we just reboot and pretend none of this stuff happened. Like, pay the actors and everything, and we all agree to never speak of this era again.
Can we just stop making superhero movies? I would get on board with that!
Also, the revenge murder films. Kill off those two genres for a while and I would be REALLY happy.
pumpkin or cherry pie? Choose wisely
Are we talking Warrant cherry pie?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjyZKfdwlng
Pumpkin all day
Apple, hands-down.
/would
Yes, yes, yes,yes, HOLY SHIT YES, yes
It’s like this game isn’t very good and I should probably just go to sleep and get ready for my next shitty day to start anew.
MANDATOREH!!!!!!!
And nothing….might have to replace the fuse in my amp. BOOOO. I give up, I’m gonna sit and drink and watch shitty football
You using the whole fist, Dana?
No, not complaining, just curious.
Guess NE doesn’t have to worry about a late-season challenge from Miami for the AFC East.
They never did.
Announcers earlier tonight: “Well if Miami wins tonight they’ll be 5-4 and tied with Buffalo for second in the division, only two games behind NE!” But I agree with you.
So, no one is gonna mention the fact that Italy, FUCKING ITALY, is not going to the World Cup?!?
The schadenfreude is at 18-1 level, people!!
It’s absolutely amazing. I think it’s kind of cool that they didn’t qualify for the sake of diversity. Serves them right for not selecting Giovinco, arguably the best free kicker in the world because he doesn’t play in Italy.
who beat ’em out?
Sweden
SWEDISH BIKINI TEAM!
*flashing back to college days of drinking 99 cent quarts of Old Milwaukee*
shit, they don’t even have that Ibra…pony-tailed dude that used to play for Utd who fucked his knee up, do they?
Noap!
They’re too busy with the bunga-bunga.
No one holds WWII against Italy like Germany or Japan
The history of the US mafia and its role in WWII is fascinating.
The FBI and the military were dreading going into Italy. So they made a deal with US mafia in Operation Underworld. Lucky Luciano was serving time in US prison. In exchange for his freedom, he promised the US military would have zero resistance from the families in Italy and in the US.
Pretty much the only US facilities that faced no labor issues during the war was from Italian mafia controlled docks. Furthermore, when they got to the Italian ports, pretty much every official and spy associated with the Fascists and the Nazis were handed over.
Luciano thought he would be allowed to stay in the US upon his release, but he was deported to Italy.
Fuck Hoover! he was Rodgers beta release
Sooooo….who’s excited foar Sexy Tuesday tomorrow??????
(relax, it’s just a joke)
my attorney has advised me from attending Sexy Tuesday
He smrt.
Samuel blows, stop throwing to him
Problem solved!
Here you go, Fozz:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfEyP-ksbo8&ab_channel=InvaderJim42
My second-favorite MST3k episode.
So an Earth Fare moved in just near my house. This just goes to show that the hipsters are going to start arriving into Roanoke from Asheville, NC because they are getting priced the fuck out.
I assume this is good for me as the value of my house will go up (though more taxes I guess).
I’ve never been into one of these hyper fancy hipster stores. I mean we got co-ops, but nothing like this chain. They have an official “food philosophy”. On a lark, I went into it just to check it out. I could barely get onto the parking lot.
I refuse to purchase anything from a place that sells “organic, heirloom bleach” so I ended up leaving without spending an insane amount of money for overpriced stuff.
You’re also getting a Deschutes Brewery soon. Dey’s tastee.
Yeah they already have the new tasting room. I haven’t been there yet. I’m kind of cheap when it comes to things.
Organic bleach? I have a degree in chemistry from one of the top chemistry programs in the U.S. and literally did work for Clorox and even I haven’t the foggiest idea on how you’d make bleach organic.
I’m just as confused by the “heirloom” label they shove on everything.
Do they have a serf in the back like pissing in a vat to make the bleach (I assume that human urine must be involved in some format).
It’s basically just electrolysis of sea water. So I guess if the sea water and the electricity are organic…they are fine?
WTF is a “Earth Fare”?
No fucking idea. Nothing about this store makes sense to me. But I think the target market is people with more money than common sense.
Oakland has only committed one pass interference penalty this year. Normally you’d say that’s a good thing, but coupled with the fact that they have zero interceptions is indicative that their defensive backs are so bad they are rarely even close enough to the play to commit pass interference in the first place.
Little did Dad know that Tommy had been parading that baby carriage out in front of the abortion clinic to troll the girls headed inside.
Here in Texas, at that age the kid’s dad would be giving him a real rifle, not a pop-gun.
Just hooked up my speakers, no more using the projector speakers with Gruden voice right in my ear!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIoMtHopUmE
Homemade Kung Pao Chicken is getting ready to get massacred here, btw.
You told me that camera didn’t have film in it.
When did Funchess grow hands?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2SEmaDRjaE
I’m in the middle of watching Escape from the Bronx, a horrible movie made by an Italian production company back in the 70s. It is horrible. And hilarious.
The 70s had fantastic movies, both legit and shitty B
The MST3k send up is brilliant.
https://youtu.be/GfEyP-ksbo8
The sequel “1990: The Bronx Warriors” is also worth checking out.
Car Crash, starring Joey Travolta, which was also a 70’s Italian Grade-Z action film, is the single greatest work of art in all human history.
Can’t quite figure out how Sling TV works with commercials. Sometimes they show them, sometimes they put up a sign saying ESPN IS SHOWING COMMERCIALS and sometimes the feed freezes and I can’t tell if it’s cause they’re blocking commercials or because they’re actually frozen
Fun fact: Sling TV is what Andrew Luck’s doctor recommended for him to wear and do during his recovery process.
The quality of my jokes tonight are intended to match the quality of the game.
Yeah that is annoying right?
I had the ESPN package and I ended up canceling it and just go with youtube streams as this doesn’t happen as much. The other thing I found was a LOT of the time, the feed would be “HD” but it was filmed with low def equipment.
So I ended up watching the spanish feed on youtube. Crystal clear and no Gruden Grinders.
I’ve had decent quality so far, and there are a couple other channels I watch included, so I’ll probably stick with it for a while. But yeah, it has its flaws. I actually do like watching games in Spanish, I know just enough that I can sort of vaugley figure out what they’re talking about, but not enough to be annoyed
Link?
https://www.reddit.com/r/nflstreams/
The buffstreams links have been pretty good this season.
I’m not sure if that is kosher to post. I don’t want to get the site in trouble.
Wow, that was about as dumb as you can get.
halftime reading:
https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/locals-were-troubled-by-roy-moores-interactions-with-teen-girls-at-the-gadsden-mall?mbid=social_twitter
Man, if you’re gonna get yourself banned from a mall, at least do something like THIS. Seriously, people!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIdGxR-aU6o
At work, I had a coworker ranting that Moore is no worse than Clinton was.
I pointed out that Clinton could not get elected today based on his prior behavior and actions as this is a much different political climate.
This caused a rant about how us “kids” are all snowflakes and we worry about “stupid shit”.
Of all the shit old people should bitch at younger people for, a lack of tolerance for sex abuse seems really bizarre to me.
Did you ask him if he had smashed his Keurig?
I get into the office real early, and went around and put sticky notes with “Please Don’t Destroy Me!” on all the Keurigs at the various coffee messes in my wing of the office this morning.
They’ve already lost the war on hip hop and the war on Christmas. If you take away the desire to fuck 14 year olds, what else do they have?
You want to hear how kids sports are out of control?
Okay.
So a high school coach came to watch the U-14 team play, which makes sense.
Then he asked the commissioner about my middle son and his attitude, grades, etc.
He. Is. 10.
Maybe (definitely) I’m out of touch here, but how can high schools even recruit?
Do I need to remind you about a little player by the name of ADAM BANKS?
Here in Maryland they can. the kids who are playing U-14 are eighth graders, so the coaches come out and watch. crazy.
My three nieces made the all Harford County team. One of the twins basically played all the games in goal and had four shutouts over the weekend.
A local high school was asking my sister in law where they lived to find out what school they would end up in.
The twins are in 2nd grade, and the oldest in is 4th. I didn’t realizes that girls soccer is getting so cutthroat.
Didn’t know you were a fellow Marylander. Goddamn kids sports are nuts.
Was. Originally from Northeast Baltimore.
My bro moved up to the county to get away from the gun violence.
This was the FIRST time their neighbor decided to shoot up the place…
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/harford/abingdon/ph-ag-bright-oaks-barricade-0422-20160421-story.html
What I love is that this jackass got bail. A few months later…
https://patch.com/maryland/perryhall/white-marsh-police-officer-killed-self-bel-air-home-officials
My brother will never be able to sell his house any time soon.
I am hoping the Eagles are the NFC’s representative in the Super Bowl because they are NORTH DAKOTA TOUGH.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. If Pats beat Philly again, they’d be the ones who let New England establish their dynasties both times. Fucking pencil it in.
I heard Carson Wentz burns US flags
There is a 0% chance Wentz is that cool
While Jerrah rapes babies and gives Ray Moore “dating” tips.
Support the troops jack ass
I’m still watching this game.
I think I need therapy. More than normal, I mean.
Check out Groupon, that’s where I found my shrink.
This is just a normally dull Monday Night game between two teams I care very little about. I was hoping it would at least be unusually dull.
Go Spurs Go
I guess when you drive a Range Rover you can buy a house in the woods so your fucking spoiled brat can experience snow.
Let’s be serious, that girl is going to have a cocaine fried brain, three STDs, and at least two abortions by the time she’s 21.
lucky
/stopped reading after cocaine
You can tell there’s gonna be trouble when she starts trying to snort flurries off the balcony railing at the ski lodge
Howdy Folks. Fuck the Eagles.
Don’t come in here with that until next Sunday Spur.
Eat asshole you Philly fuck
Only after she showers, I do have standards.
A better man than I
Penn State Grad? I take it? Was papa innocent too?
No. He and the rest of their lot can rot in hell.
Hey, that’s why they call it “tailgating!”
Rodgers loves coming on behinds.
Am at a bar
Don’t we all?
/Not at a bar
Went to my alma mater yesterday with Fozz Spawn #1. Fuck am I old. Stopped by to look at the picture of a classmate who was murdered when we were all juniors. Great hoops player and fucking funnier than shit. Calling his death a complete waste is not even close. The day he died, I was sitting in religion class with him and he was licking his palms and smacking people in the face. That’s my last memory of him.
Um…I know why Joe Montana is hanging out with Kat Dennings, but why is she hanging out with him?
They’re paying for her time?
HAHA Joe Montana is so badly brain damaged, he can’t help but have flash backs and cannot function in normal social situations!
Wait was that what I was suppose to take away from that?
There is no bog? I mean dog? I mean…fuck. I had something for this.
Wow, that Shepard guy really got flocked up.
I mean, I have a fucked up neck and a worthless brain at 43, and I never even got to be cool and play FOOTBAW.
EDIT: Goddamnit, forgot that I’m actually 44 already.
CTE is nefarious
Not the payoff I was expecting.
Catler aint care.
DOOOOOOOOOOON’T CAAAAAAAARE
Also, this whole end zone celebration let’s top each other – i find it irritating. Like “having to sleep under wool blankets with Donald Trump while he’s eating rice cakes” irritating.
Careful, the Redacteds might try to act out your scenario next time they get a TD.
Very happy I remembered to bring dinner home today, Meatball sub + 2 types of salad >>>> Cool Ranch Doritos
The best doritos.
Agreed, but still not exactly dinner
If you eat a whole bag, it can be very filling, though not very nutritious.
It is true that a sometimes have difficulty telling the difference between nausea and full
I cannot make peace with the Cool Ranch. I don’t know why. I just can’t. How ya doin Doc?
I’m doing alright. Getting used to this “living in California and working in Silicon Valley” lark. Having lots of thoughts that a mediocre 90’s comedian would kill for, but also acknowledging that they aren’t actually funny so keeping my mouth shut.
Potato AND macaroni?