Your 2018 World Cup Final Open Thread

Some of us have waited four years for this. Today is the day we crown a new World Champion.  Will it be a team that has never won before let alone been in a World Cup Final (Croatia) or will it be the team that has won one and lost one (France).

Before we get to the game analysis, I want to give thanks to King Hippo,  Don T, Wakezilla, and Litre_cola for contributing so much insightful fútbol analysis not just for this World Cup but for our Soccer Saturdays and Champions League Match Days.

You guys have helped make this World Cup super fun for me and it’s been a joy to share it with you.

I also want to thank our intrepid commentists and writers that dipped their toes in the World Cup pool and found that the water was actually pretty nice.

Let’s just say I’ll be stealing from SonOfSpam’s Poland preview for a long time.

Speaking of pools, our contest is down to the last game and there are only two outcomes which will influence three people.

Should Croatia win,  Wakezilla will win our contest! Should France win,  both Spur and Clint Greasewood would overtake him for first place. The tiebreaker is total goals scored in the knockout stage and I do not think the guys understood the instructions as their guesses were 5 and 11.

Therefore,  I will provide a jersey of their choice to each of them should they win.

Good luck,  gentlemen,  we’re all counting on you!

CROATIA V FRANCE

Balls: I REALLY like this Croatia team.  What I wrote for the semifinal easily applies here.  That team DOES NOT GIVE UP.  You’ve got to admire that.

They are also,  however,  incredibly talented.  Mbappe gets the headlines,  but Croatia’s players play for big teams in big games and have experienced and surpassed extreme pressure in club games.

France’s players are young.  Extremely talented,  but young.  I do not see them having the mental fortitude to stand the enormous pressure that will be on them.

Predicción:  Croacia 2 Francia 0

Hippo: Our dear Murder Checkerboards have given us so very, very much.  They knocked out the Rooskies.  They knocked out the Brits.  Left it all on the pitch on both occasions.  One wonders how they have anything left in the tank whatsoever.  And to be able to chase around the fastest, most technically sound side in el torneo?  One that also registered a clean sheet against the mighty Waffles?  I just don’t see how they do it.  Les Frogs Magnifique, Grand Champion.  Mbappe tallies a brace.

My #HAILGAMBLOR ticket for the big day:

$55 on Les Frogs at 3-1 exactly (+1650)
$55 on Les Frogs to win PLUS more than 2.5 goals scored total in match (+285)
$45 on Les Frogs to win by exactly 2 goals (+450)
$45 on Mbappe first goal scorer (+580)

Predicción:  Francia 3 Croacia 1

Litre_Cola: Well I had Les Bleus in the final against the Brazilians. That isn’t too bad. In the final I think that the front 3 of the French will be too much for the Croat defense. In my THC addled brain I also believe that the back 4 of the French has been absolutely outstanding this tourney and nobody saw that coming. They have gelled and play extremely tough.

Mbappe has captured everyone’s eye in this tourney and his pace has been something that I have never seen before. At full tilt the kid is so good on the ball it is incredible He will be a menace for the next ten years unless the money, fame and women go to his head and then he will still ply his trade in Ligue 1 and drink wine. Griezmann hasn’t been outstanding thus far but he can takeover a game at the blink of an eye and works as a perfect foil to Giroud and Mbappe. Speaking of Giroud he hasn’t scored yet this tournament but has done so many things up front to get his teammates loose that I’ve been very impressed. I know a striker is supposed to bang in goals but he takes defenders with him which makes the field much bigger for deep runs by the French. Pogba hasn’t lost his mind yet. Could he be maturing?

The Croats have been a great story like the little engine that could. These guys don’t tire, they are never out of the game and even in injury time I expect them to score. Modric is the real deal, it is a shame that he plays for the Francoists.

Thanks everyone for reading my taeks and terrible predictions. You all have made this World Cup extremely enjoyable for me. Allez Les Bleus!

Prediction: France 2-1 (AET)  Oh this one is going to extra time.

The Murder Checkerboards weren’t the only Croatians who brought it to this tournament

Wakezilla: Well shit. This preview is sad to write because the next World Cup preview won’t happen until November, 2022. That’s four and a half years from now! Will I or this hell world even exist then?

Either way, it has been a lot of fun doing these previews—well, on the days when I had more than 10 minutes to write a preview and had time to edit. Thanks to the regular DFO Kontributors for letting me participate in this Lesser footy tournament.

Originally, I was going to do another write-up about why you shouldn’t cheer for France, but it was going to sound too much like my England preview. So, just read my England preview, add more Islamophobia, add in an openly casual racist president who calls himself a Roman God, and you’ll get the gist. Also know that even if France wins, despite 12 of 23 players having African descent, this will not motivate French society to change or have an open mind to immigration because we have already seen what happens to France after a multi-racial team wins the World Cup. I’d say the nadir likely occurred in 2010, after France was ousted in group stage. Once word got out that there was a player mutiny, many of the papers were declaring that the squad was too black and Arab to win and represent France. If France loses today, the same shit will happen because most of the players do not sing along when La Marseillaise is being played, which pisses off France’s growing centre-right and right wing parties. Essentially, France is like a team of Colin Kaepernicks, if Kaep was kneeling during the anthem during the 49ers’ Superb Owl run.

This French team is very interesting because despite being a colonizing country, most Africans have deemed this French squad as Africa’s team, which has delightfully pissed off a lot of racists.

Don’t get too enamoUred with Griezmann’s moves. He has done blackface.

To paraphrase Dennis Green, Les Frogs are who we thought they were. They have looked and played like the tournament favoUrite since the round of 16. They are entering the Finals in perfect health and having played fewer, harder minutes than the 101 Dalmatians. As an added bonus for France, they have tournament finals experience, as they lost to Portugal in the Euros two years ago. The players who finished second at the Euros are going to want to make amends. Their biggest task is whether Kante can overcome Modric at midfield. Modric has done an excellent job shutting down the other clubs’ midfielders, so, this should be an interesting battle to watch. Aside from Modric, I think it will come down to how cautious France plays. If they are too cautious like they were against Portugal at the 2016 Euro finals, or play anti-football like they did against Belgium in the semis, they’re going to let Croatia hang in there, which could be disastrous for Les Frogs.

As for the Murder Checkerboards, it has been fun watching them play as their games have been mostly entertaining and very dramatic. If you think I hyped Croatia here, you should have seen how I hyped them up in the real world. Most notably, in hopes of watching the Picnic Blankets/Limp Biscuits match, I got my co-workers emotionally invested in Croatia winning over England and why it was bad for England to win. I watched the game in its entirety. One of my co-workers, a fairly attractive light skinned woman from Barbados was in tears when Croatia won. I believe by office law, that makes her my work wife, right?

As an aside, if you haven’t already read about Modric’s life story, The Sun UK of all news media, recently put up an excellent article (with tons of old, family photos of Modric that no other media has been able to reproduce) about Modric and his life as a refugee on their site. Before I post the link, I want to say the link is slightly NSFW. If you are offended by Katie Price being topless and walking on a beach in Thailand, don’t click on this link because there’s a picture of her on the side of the article. But I digress.

The Cardiac Croatians enter the finals on house money. They will likely play loose because all the pressure is on Les Frogs. As an added bonus for the Picnic Blankets, the lesser footy media is giving them lots of bulletin board material by declaring they’re too tired to play and will get shellacked. So not only is there no pressure on them—regardless of the outcome, they will return to Croatia as Gods—but they have been given a chip on their shoulder. That alone will make things interesting. Not that there’s any extra incentive required, but, the Murder Checkerboards’ Ivan Perisic is being watched closely by United. Jose Mourinho wanted Perisic last year, but things fell through. Given the tournament he has had, it’s likely a formality that he will join Man U after the tournament. However, if Perisic can have a good game today, I’m sure he’ll have a few extra million dollars thrown his way. Unfortunately, not everything is rosy for Croatia. If Strinić plays, he is not going to be 100%, which is troubling because Croatia needs him to have an excellent game to shut down France’s deadly attack.

Proricanje:

Our good luck charm

I’ve gone this far with Croatia, I might was well ride them to the very end. Mbappe will open scoring early in the first half, only for Perisic to respond early in the second half. Griezmann will score late in the second half, with Brozovic answering in injury time. This will set up Luka fucking Modric to score the game winning goal in the 118th minute, to give Croatia a 3-2 victory.

Don T: Croatia is ditching its black / dark blue checkerboard with red letters and numbers (the most killer kit in this World Cup). They’re going with their traditional white and red—

Goddammit start the game already. France is infallible, Croatia indefatigable.

Predicción: Best World Cup ever, but it had to end some time. France 1 : 0 Croatia.

ballsofsteelandfury

ballsofsteelandfury

International Member of the Geelong Cats and recovering Steelers fan. Likes Butts. And Balls. And Boobs. Pretty much anything that starts with the letter B. Preferably together.
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BrettFavresColonoscopyBrick MeathookWakezillaMr. AyoSenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I met someone named Sochi today. That was confusing.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Senor Weaselo

Evening, lizard people. Did things happen? I was conducting, and then went out with all of them. And then managed to not throw several bricks towards the TV when the ol’ Nugget Baron was on it.

Oh, and I almost got run over last night because the MTA employs fucking imbeciles, so that was fun.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Still not enough wood for urmom.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

I believe this happened in Edmonton, Canadia. The entire video is funny to watch

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“stop drawing porn of a gorilla fucking a hamster because the hamster might be underage”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Are the mods asleep already?!?!?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

THINK OF THE CHILREN!!

OH THE HUMIDITY!!

MAKE SURE AND FLAG IT AS OFFENSIVE!!

Shogun Marcus

Doki doki lit club. Best of…do it….heh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sometimes the third eye is not completely enlightened, perhaps more pragmatic.

WCS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Worldwide!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Shogun Marcus

Love my wife. Love my life truth be told. Thanks to the first. However now, no matter what, I just can’t make it hold. Always in the negative. Hoping for zero. One honest smile, and I’d feel a hero.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Shogun Marcus

Her hate sustains. If only it would last longer. So wrong how long it takes…I’d be stronger.

Shogun Marcus

That’s doki doki lit club.

Shogun Marcus

Monika…monika…monika…

WCS

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

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Shogun Marcus

I mean maybe. Probably not. The global tension being what it is and all.

Shogun Marcus

OI! YEH ASSHOLES! CROWATE-YA SUCKS MY BALLS AND YER QUEEN WANTS THE FEEL ONNER CHIN!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

420 comments and replys? Nice!

Oh shit, now it’s 421! Goddammit Spanky you’ve ruined everything!

Wakezilla

If we get to 840, that’s 420 twice in one day.

WCS

EVERYBODY START TOKING

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

The ice footballing did not go as planned. Starting on D in front of me were a couple of traffic cones

herodotus450
herodotus450

At least you did better than Ray Emery today…

Wakezilla

Yeah, that’s beer league hockey for you

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Somebody say something funny

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

President Donald Trump has been re-elected in a landslide to his fourth term.

Wakezilla

Something funny

herodotus450
herodotus450

Pi is exactly 3!

Redshirt

“…and the Cincinnati Bengals have won a Playoff Game!”

WCS

“Leading the news tonight, New England quarterback Tom Brady has been charged on dozens of counts of fraud against his personal line of health products.”

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Have an ice football game in an hour and a half. I’ve been drinking all day. Im in net. My plan is to sit back and take up as much room in the net as possible. I apologize for nothing.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Artist concept:
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Wakezilla

” He’d hardly read any books except the Bible and the Kloran, the KKK’s secret handbook. ” THE KLORAN? Are you fucking kidding me?

https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2018/07/reform-white-supremacists-shane-johnson-life-after-hate/

Wakezilla

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LemonJello
LemonJello

$3.90? I figured you’d pay a lot more for that at Spearmint Rhino’s VIP room.

Wakezilla

Not when you go at 11:30am!

litre_cola

Back to parenting 6 Guinness deep. When is nap time????

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yes.

Wakezilla

Now

Don T

Why this was the best World Cup:
-the games (only one 0-0!): 50%
-Commentsing / Posts: 33%
-Argentina clusterfuck: 10%
-Russia, dynamite host: 5%
-ENG relevant, fraudulent: 1%
-Neymar bashing: 1%
https://twitter.com/culturacolectiv/status/1016713667188887552?s=21

scotchnaut

Iceland was cool…

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m in my studio working by myself, and I just cut a perfect fart.

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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scotchnaut

Oh Moose, you’ve always got that… LEMONJELLO? I. What. The?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m cooking a turkey breast in the slow cooker.
I’ve never cooked a turkey breast this way before.
This could get ugly.

Game Time Decision

as long as you brined it, it should be ok

theeWeeBabySeamus

I did!!!!!!

But I’m not sure I used enough salt. I hate salt.

scotchnaut

“You’re not worth your… you know.”

-Roman Soldier

LemonJello
LemonJello

“Vomitorium Fees?”

/nawt up on Roman sayings

Game Time Decision

it should never taste salty when done, but it does wonderful things to the meat when done. Just rinse before cooking

theeWeeBabySeamus

I subbed in 1/4 cup of Old Bay in place of 1/4 cup of the salt. I am from Baltimore, after all.

1/4 cup salt, 1/4 Old Bay, that is. In addition to a rub with paprika and poultry seasoning.

Should be interesting. But so far, it smells good.

Game Time Decision

I’m sure i’m the only one that cares, but the World Field Lacrosse Championships are taking place now in Israel. Most games are being live streamed on ESPN2 for the US folks and on TSN2 for the Canadian folks.
This year there are 46 countries taking part which is awesome. But it’s basically a fight for the Bronze with Canada and the US winning and playing for gold every time.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I care. My brother in law is an assistant/goalie coach for team Germany. They’ve done well so far

litre_cola

I saw the uganda celebration when they beat dirty money Lichtenstein and it was glorious

Game Time Decision

Good to see that Beckham can do another sport…lol

Wakezilla

Isn’t team Indigenous also pretty good?

Game Time Decision

Yes the Iroquois are good too. They are usually 3 or 4th. It’s their game, so great to see them there.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

The Johnsonville Cornhole Championship is on The Deuce. They should throw sausages at the hole (Phrasing!) instead of those bean bags, imho.

scotchnaut

From what I understand, there’s a shitton of strategy between individual cyclists and the teams that they belong to. From that perspective, each race is endlessly fascinating.

theeWeeBabySeamus

It’s more fun when they crash.

Wakezilla

It’s all about putting in a traceable illegal substance in their teammates’ needle without getting caught

theeWeeBabySeamus

There is something on my TV guide called Johnsonville Cornhole Championships.
And it’s being held in North Carolina. Of course it is.

I’m not clicking on that bullshit.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Is it up in the hills of North Cackalackey?

theeWeeBabySeamus

According to the info…Cherokee, NC.
So, yes.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Oh shit, I didn’t see this komment.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No worries. The more holes which get corned, the bettah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wakezilla

I feel slightly vindicated that the entire panel on TSN thought that it shouldn’t have been a handball, especially since the ref did not call a hand ball in live action and the replay wasn’t conclusive one way or the other.

litre_cola

AI vehemently disagree.

scotchnaut

Guys! Guys! The Tour de France is on! I think I know what a peloton is!

scotchnaut

It’s the dudes that are losing. Right?

Don T

Engorged testicle. In español, at least.

scotchnaut

When you see the world thru a restricted vein, everything looks like an engorged testicle.

Game Time Decision

aren’t they all?
/haha cyclists
// gets on bike, falls before getting to the end of driveway.

Wakezilla

So, shall we do a World Cup of Rugby thread next year?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Yes. Very yes.

King Hippo

you will need to find a replacement mammal. I ain’t understand that weirdo shite.

Wakezilla

its’ like football, but with no commercial breaks

King Hippo

I really tried watching some of the Seven Nations. It broke mah brain.

LemonJello
LemonJello

More, or less, CTE?

Wakezilla

slightly less (they don’t use pads)

scotchnaut

Want.

litre_cola

Lady cola will give me tips as she has played in uni and i am a softee

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

*Insert hooker joke here*

King Hippo

I have the proposed tiebreak, if DonT agrees:

17 July – Brasil, Serie B. Figuierense @ Guarani

Goal differential and total points are within one of each other. Figuierense is the road side, but also kind of a Hippo #HAILGAMBLOR talisman, so there are equal arguments for each.

DonT can flip a coin to see which Commentist picks his side for the rum.

Don T

Monsieur Greasewood took it, per goal tiebreaker (thanks Balls).
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Wakezilla

what site are you going to buy said jersey?

litre_cola

Dhgate.com. fulham released their new kits this week and dhgate has em already. Those pesky chinese.

clint greasewood
clint greasewood
Don T

Proof of life:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My dog is currently trying to remind me that I have failed to deal with several plates that still contain droppings of meat grease.

Wakezilla

The torturous thing is, we are 4 years and 4 months away from the next World Cup in Qatar.

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King Hippo

I can’t believe that fucker is during Greater Footy season. I mean, it has to be in order to prevent the athletes from all dying, but that’s why you don’t stage el torneo in motherfucking Qatar.

Wakezilla

TBF, those FIFA officials all got paid over $10 million in bribes to over look this problem.

Who would have thought Qatar was lying when they said they could have air conditioned outdoor stadiums that would quell 110-125 degree weather?

Don T

And it will be the last Mundial with 32 teams. In the middle of the NFL and Xmas season. Methinks my status for Qatar 2022 will be “Vegetating – Do Not Disturb”.

King Hippo

ugh, not-32 really will ruin el torneo. As will the Qatar-factor. This really was the last True One.

Redshirt

How long until Trump tweets that he’s not inviting the French National Team to the White House because they don’t respect the US National Anthem?

scotchnaut

Knowing Trump, he’ll invite Hanson to the White House because someone told him about Mbappe.

scotchnaut

[celebrates by getting a new tattoo]

-Audrey Tautou

scotchnaut

[celebrates by diving onto the field]

-Jacques Cousteau

scotchnaut

[celebrates by enjoying their golden shower]

-The French football team

blaxabbath

“Ahhhhh memories…”

-DJT

King Hippo

FAKE NEWS!!!! He only watched.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Gold confetti sticking to bald dudes’ heads is making me giggle.

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