Your “Welcome Back to Work!” Monday Night Football Open Thread

Anyone ever all set to go on a vacation, and then suddenly the morning before have someone dump a giant project on you? This happened to me two Thursdays ago, with the kicker (a few fan bases recoil in horror at that word) being that I had prepared for this and had sent the person everything they had asked for prior to that date. They knew I was going, and yet, the morning before, needed everything done before I left. Shockingly, my boss recognized this, and basically backed me up in saying, “You’re shit out of luck and jolly well fucked.” So away on vacation I went, up to Seattle for a family wedding (THERE WAS DRAMA!) and then Vancouver, where I got to drankin’ with BeerGuyRob and the BeerGuy/GalDogs. One of those things was more enjoyable than the other, and I’ll let you obviously infer which it was.

Anyway, I am finally back in the office today and was all ready to have a somewhat easy day as I pick up the pieces and plow through the slog that was my inbox with my boss is in China for a week. “NAWT SO FAST!” cries that person with the project from before. They had been sitting, quietly, biding their time, awaiting my return for that exact moment to pick up where things left off. And best of all, they put zero time into working on the QUESTIONS that I sent them before I left. In fact, they found issues with nearly everything I had previously prepared all of a sudden TODAY, which they had previously approved! It’s enough to make you want to grab them by the throat and watch as your hands dig into their soft neck meat and slowly drain the life away from their hapless… Oh, uh, I mean, TO THE GAME!

Pittsburgh @ Tampa Bay The Rape Bowl

Oh dear god, why did I agree to this? With the latest news from Stormy Daniel’s new book, we get an even more gross depiction of THE BEN actively hunting his prey in the natural stalking grounds of a hotel. Was there requests to come into her room and rejections? Oh yeah. Did he try and hold the door open while she pushed against it? Mmmmmhmmm. Did he hang around for some time after that door was closed and  pathetically knock while muttering “Oh come on!” YOU BETCHA. The Yinzers sit at a humorous 0-1-1 and are getting pretty close digging themselves in too deep.

Meanwhile, BloodSugarFitzMagic will likely be starting his final game for the Bucs in leau of  the Crab and Pussy Pilferer’s 3-game suspension, and has played far better than one might expect of your usual Harvard Man. 2-0, and dare I say, pushing for a chance to keep his yob? Probably not the case, but depending on how Winston does upon his return, his tenure could be coming to a sputtering end.

So what happens tonight? Well, we haven’t had a tie yet this week, and having the Steelers boast an 0-1-2 record seems like the most hilarious outcome, so that’s what I’m going for. I’m sure you’ll have your opinions, so get with it and go make ’em!

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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JustStopDude

Fitz is back to his normal self.

It just feels right…

Senor Weaselo

I would have expected after they named Fitz the starter.

scotchnaut

[is grateful that “Body Weight” penalties aren’t enforced for coaches]

-Andy Reid

The Maestro

– Charlie Weis

Spanky Datass

FITZSPASTIC!

Mother Puncher

That throw just earned Winston 20 million

Mr. Ayo

He’s a pumpkin!

King Hippo

That clicking sound is all teh Yahoo dropping of BloodSugarFitzMagic

WCS

Sheered the beard.

Spur

Well, this is over.

Brick Meathook

“Well said, Boog”

Spanky Datass

“Thanks, Tess.”

“Nice job, Witt.”

“Now down to Trace …”

scotchnaut

Tony Dungy is the first Bucs coach to be inducted into Tampa Bay’s “Coffin of Honor”.

King Hippo

But not his son. NO QUEERS!!!

Mr. Ayo

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Witten is actually a better color man than I thought he’d be.

deviantBastard

But he’s white. Oh, you mean color commentary.

The Maestro

Senor Weaselo

Gritty vs. original Pierre the Pelican vs. The BrooklyKnight. WHO YA GOT?

The Maestro

Gritty wipes the floor with them and then faces the King Cake Baby and San Antonio MethCoyote in a tag-team final.
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The Maestro
Sharkbait

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litre_cola

BEN GET HEAD OWIE

theeWeeBabySeamus

The Baltimore Orioles are well on their way to loss #111. Six games to go, history awaits.

litre_cola

Just waiting for the leaders to slip up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, they’re waiting to make their move.
Like waiting a really, really long time.

Sharkbait

I’m at the game. Only run was on a wild pitch

theeWeeBabySeamus

You’re at Fenway right now??????????????

Now I’m even more jealous of you than I was before.

Sharkbait

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

LemonJello

Strangest football stadium I’ve ever seen…

Senor Weaselo

Can’t do worse than the ‘62 Mets or whatever year that was Tigers! (‘03?)

herodotus450

120 and 119, I believe, records for their leagues.

The Maestro

More like Ryan SquibPatrick, amirite HP nerds????!!

The Maestro

(I fucking hate myself so much for remember this obscure piece of trivia)

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

Senor Weaselo

That’s legit.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oooops, BeardMajik ain’t looking too good tonight.
Whatever will the NFL Network talk about this week?

LemonJello

Guess they’ll just go off the air.

Senor Weaselo

Lizard people.

scotchnaut

“Ssssss!”

LemonJello

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Spur

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herodotus450

Speaking of Peyton, remember Peyton Hillis?

WCS

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The Maestro

Those were heady days in the Madden universe.

herodotus450

Who knew the third Barber twin was still playing?

Wakezilla

Trump told that joke to Catinka at Bangtasia. She didn’t like it too much

scotchnaut

Hockey is gonna be unfuckingbearable this year what with the Leafs being good.

The Maestro

And no EK65 for us either. Just put a bullet in my fucking head and/or bring back the Whalers.

Senor Weaselo

Is it because of the brass?

herodotus450

They’ll find a way to blow it, what with not having any defense. Plus, Montreal is looking to suuuuuuuck. And there is no other Ontario team.

litre_cola

Gojetsgo

Sharkbait

Ice Giants are going to put my liver into overdrive the season

Wakezilla

Habs are going to be a tire fire.

Canucks might lose every game 4-3 tho, which could be amusing

The Maestro

FLAGS FOR THE FLAG GOD

FACEMASKS FOR THE FACEMASK THRONE

King Hippo

And the #BFIB have drawn level!!

The Maestro

Otherwise known as the Large Bird Bastard Men

King Hippo

indeed we are!

The Maestro

I guess Miko Grimes is gonna be the latest NFL-affiliated personality to pitch an online fit after AB just pantsed her husband on-field like that.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

TMI: Everytime Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” comes on the radio, I work around the lyrics to make it about Christian Okoye.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And I picture burning arrowheads.

The Maestro

I forgot that Rodgers was still on the Bucs’ roster. I’m glad that the career of Jacquizz didn’t… prematurely finish.

LemonJello

Team MRSA doing all they can to gift this game to the Stillers.

Spur

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theeWeeBabySeamus

To be fair, the dog did the smrt thing.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Mother Puncher

This is my first time seeing Booger’s chair. That’s fucking stupid

Spur

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Jeff Ross looks like Telly Savalas with freezer burn

The Maestro

That stadium wall hit Johnson so hard that James Harrison just got fined $50,000.

Beerguyrob

Reggie Bush is screaming “SUE!” at his TV.

The Maestro

While Emmitt Smith yells “SHOE!”

Beerguyrob

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SonOfSpam

Nah, he fucked a Kardashian. He’s got late-stage syphillis-related dementia by now.

King Hippo

I’d hate to have that, wouldn’t you?

– Trent Green, to his blender

Beerguyrob

But but… she was the best one.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Lamar Odom yells, “THIRTY THREE PINK SHELL CRABS” at the TV

scotchnaut

“WHAT?”

-A Boy.

LemonJello

Trent Green is screaming gibberish at a wall sconce.

scotchnaut

This might be the first time a wall is called for Unsportsmanlike Conduct.

Unsurprised

Impossible. Tom Brady isn’t playing.

The Maestro

That’s what we call a Buccaneer Broadside right there, folks.

SonOfSpam

Lambeau Leap? This is the Tampa Thud.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Raymond James Maims

theeWeeBabySeamus

Isiah Johnson might be ded.

The Maestro

Big TD run by Vance McDonald, big grab by Juju. How much is AB gonna sulk and pout this week if the Stillers go on to lose this one too?

Spur

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King Hippo

Hippo is watching this fine footy contest from the Vidant OR waiting room (GREAT free WiFi, by the way), as my oldest kid done got hit by a car today. She is getting her fractured femur fixed up while the ex-wife and I get a break from hearing “my butt hurts” on constant loop. 😀

It was deffo hoodlums, but insured hoodlums, thank fuck. There will be lawyering done and damages collected. Kiddo will be fine. Got lucky all things considered. A couple of EZU sophomore ladies were right behind the hoodlums, kept my kid safe (one a nursing major) until the police arrived, then WAITED LIKE 3 HOURS to talk to us and make sure we got the full story.

I may have to quit talking shit about this university.

The Maestro

Jeeezus. Sorry man. Hope she pulls through. Glad she’s doing well though.

Sharkbait

Holy shit. Glad she’s doing ok, relative to the circumstances.

herodotus450

Well at least now we know where Donte Stallworth went to.

jjfozz

Goddamn man! Sorry she’s in pain, happy she’s alive. I would be happy to hunt down that pack of hoodlumz and kill them with a nailgun, cheese grater, and vintage broadsword.

Seriously, I’ll put her in my thoughts and prayers and positive vibes.

King Hippo

Based on what the students and the paramedics told me…I wouldn’t be surprised if the State Trooper did. He was well pissed off. I presume we will be meeting that fella tomorrow.

scotchnaut

Oof! glad things turned out okay given the circumstances.

LemonJello

I have found that those Pirates of ECU are decent kids.

Good to hear she’ll heal, and if you need an alibi, you were here with us all night.

King Hippo

Indeed! Not solely the recalcitrant drunk loons I stereotyped.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Jeebus dude.

Let me know if I can do anything.

Spur

Oof, That must have been a tough call to hear.

King Hippo

Fortunately, the roommate got to me first. I am unnaturally calm under such circumstances. And this has been the Year of Unpleasant Calls.

Senor Weaselo

Shit. Good to hear she’s stable at least.

Unsurprised

God Fucking Damn It. Lawrence Taylor strikes again!

But seriously, it’s good that she’s going to be okay and that it’s not worse. If you need another body for your angry mob, or just an alibi ;-), or anything else, I’m here.

King Hippo

Quality LT callback!!

Petronel

What everybody else said. Good to know she’ll be OK. Happy to also volunteer for mob as needed.

jjfozz

Would the KKK hate JuJu smith because he’s black or because of his name?

King Hippo

YES

The Maestro

You could pay me a third of whatever Chris Conte is making this year and you wouldn’t see any notable decline in the on-field product for this Bucs D.

Sharkbait

Checking in from the dirt Patriots- dirt ratbirds game. Observation: the wave needs to die a slow, painful, death.

LemonJello

“Working on it.”
-Scott Pruitt

Senor Weaselo

Hey, it has the Wave AND Seven Nation Army. That’s grounds for Dresden levels of fire bombing right there.

scotchnaut

First team to play their cornerbacks wins!

WCS

BLEERGH FEASTS TONIGHT

Unsurprised

Oh, Giada …
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The Maestro

Giada is not quite twice my age, but I would literally not even hesitate for a second were I a single man.

jjfozz

I have a home made version of linguine sauce that I think she would enjoy.

LemonJello

Not clam sauce? I mean, it was right there.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

That’s where the zest goes

jjfozz

It’s a thick, spicy sauce packed with protein

The Maestro

IT’S CUM, RIGHT? THAT’S THE JOKE HERE I BET

SonOfSpam

No, he said linguine sauce, not OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

The Maestro

Plus she’d probably make me breakfast in the morning.

WCS

Si!

herodotus450

I see Pittsburgh is still working through their “can’t sign a decent kicker” phase but has grown out of their “so we’ll just always go for two” phase.

Mother Puncher

Has any one called fitzy “The Harvard Harpoon”? Or “The Harvard Slam Poon”?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Well “Boston Strangler” is taken

jjfozz

That’s Ben’s favorite party game

jjfozz

The Harvard Hurler.

SonOfSpam

“Oh, I’m stealing that!”

B. Kavanaugh

SonOfSpam

“He’s coming into his own” is a worthless cliche that always makes me Butthead-giggle a little bit.

scotchnaut

Incest is never cool.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

It is hot though, amirite?

herodotus450

One of those “This is Great”‘s is coming from Capitol Hill!

King Hippo

well, SOMEBODY wants to alienate DFO’s West Virginia demographic!

jjfozz

It is a game the whole family can play, though

scotchnaut

Sponsored by Parker Brothers and Sisters.

SonOfSpam

THE ARISTOCRATS!

ArmedandHammered

Not according to Pornhub. At least from what I have heard.

scotchnaut

Not sure who it is but someone sounds a helluva lot like Tim Meadows.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

It izzzzz tha Ladiesss Man

King Hippo

Booger? I guess all black ppl sound alike two Scotchy smh 😀

SonOfSpam

That’s called Courvoisier Voice.