Are you a toothless drunk named Gary? Do you like watching toothless ice football players? Do you like booze? Have we* got a rushed, poorly researched, barely thought about, quarter assed post for you. Get well soon BeerGuyRob
Here at DFO we quizzed the masses** and asked what drink would you associate with the respective teams? We also would like to know what the outlook is for the 2021 #bizarroSZN.
Here we go with all new realigned divisions due to #nuAIDS.
And yes, we’re a day late with this as the season started yesterday, so please ask your server for a refund whilst partaking in your favoUrite team’s drink.
A huge thank you to fellow toothless Canadian GameTimeDecision (he is real! We have had beers) as he did pretty much all of this as I forget things for some reason…..
MassMutual Eastern Conference
| Team | Drink | Outlook |
| Boston | Tea from the bottom of the harboUr |
GTD Solid goaltending and team depth everywhere, look for them to return to their winning (Boo). 1st LC Marchand is a dickhead in real life. I carried him down 2 flights of stairs then packed him into a cab one night out the back door of the bar I worked in. |
| Buffalo | Hot sauce or lighter fluid |
GTD They have a good top line, but not much after that, with shaky defence and inconsistent goaltending. 7th LC Taylor Hall betting on himself in….Buffalo??? |
| New Jersey | Swamp water |
GTD Have good goaltending, decent forwards but weaaaak defense. 8th LC PK Subban broke up with Lindsay Vonn, she has a thing for athletes. |
| NYR | Whatever Sharky is trying out for his post this week |
GTD Strong forwards and ok tending, but a weak defences. means they will be playing from behind ( phrasing) most nights. 6th LC The draft lottery was rigged. |
| NYI | Something cheap and in large quantities |
GTD Some big questions on this team on the forwards, but still a quality team. 3rd LC Bring back Captain Highliner jerseys FFS. |
| Philadelphia (expansion team as per ESPN) | Sand in water |
GTD Were last years number 1 seed in the east, and have kept most of that team together. 2nd LC I like Gritty and all of his antics. |
| Pittsburgh | This abomination from this funnel |
GTD Never really out of it with Crosby and Malkin, but they haven’t added much from last year and have questions in net with Murray moving on. 5th LC: I can name 2 players on this team, guess which ones. |
| Washington | Natty or whatever Ovie’s beer of choice is this week. |
GTD Made a bunch of depth moves, including the signing of the skating yeti ( Chara), but still a talented team overall. 4th LC Going to be real weird seeing Chara in Caps silks. |
Discover Central Division
| Team | Drink | Outlook |
| Carolina | Hurricane, cause duh |
GTD A Strong team, but weakish in goal. Need one of their goalies to step up and then they can make a playoff run. 2nd LC I refuse to acknowledge this team as an allegiance to Horatio. |
| Chicago (nawt south) | Old Fashioned as they are an original 6 team. |
GTD They will be rebuilding this year, and traded anyone you have heard of away. 8th place LC Come home Jonathan Toews. |
| Columbus (south of Canada) | Vodka, as I didn’t remember they even had a team |
GTD Have good defense and goaltending, but no scorers. 5th LC I need Torts in the league, he is crusty, and his pressers are the best. Fuck you Brooksie! |
| Dallas | A Dallas Star |
GTD Lost in the finals to TB, and have kept most of that core team around. 3rd LC North Stars jersey was class. |
| Detroit (north of Windsor Canada) | Used motor oil |
GTD Rebuilding still/again as they have cap issues and most of the big names have moved on or retired. 7th LC So good for so long, now not. Quite the parallel with their town. |
| Florida (should be Quebec) | Sunscreen |
GTD Have ok talent but need the goalie to, like, actually, stop, the puck.. 6th LC Move to Quebec dammit. |
| Nashville | Jack Daniels |
GTD Stuck with the same core as last year, and have added some depth. 4th LC Looks like the best atmosphere in the league, except for the whole country music thing. |
| Tampa Bay (isn’t this covered by Florida) | Champaign as they won last year. |
GTD Won the cup last year. Have some cap issues so have lost a few pieces from the team from last year, but still a very good team. 1st LC Being a champ and virtually unknown in a sun belt city would be the best. Plus I hear the strip clubs in Tampa are something else. |
Honda Western Conference
| Team | Drink | Outlook |
| Anaheim | Might duck cocktail |
GTD In a rebuilding phase, so don’t expect much from them. 8th LC To this day the dumbest branding exercise the NHL has done. |
| Arizona ( this team still exists, wow) | Arizona Iced tea |
GTD Have made some dumb trades involving draft picks and then lost a few due to infractions. Then a draft pick was found to be a bully and dropped. Have added some depth but not much more due to salary cap issues. 5th LC You can always get a ticket! From time to time it includes a t-shirt, beer, hot dog for 20 bucks! |
| Colorado | Colorado Avalanche |
GTD Probably the deepest team in hockey last year. Added some more depth in the offseason. 1st LC Should win. |
| Los Angeles | Everclear |
GTD With an aging core and cap issues, they are looking to rebuild. Need the young kids to step up if they are going to go anywhere. 6th LC Fun place to watch a game. |
| Minnesota (nawt really west) | Jack the Ripper |
GTD Have made a bunch of lateral moves, but nothing that will push them to the cup. 4th LC Wild is stupid, rename them to the North Stars as they are further north than Dallas. The CFL had 2 Roughriders, this is easy. |
| Vegas | Glitter |
GTD A very talented team but with cap issues no real room to add a number one goalie. They will need to hope Flower doesn’t wilt again. 2nd LC Really want to go to a game here. NHL was smart to be the 1st big pro team there to get a foothold. Their 1st season helped too. |
| San Jose | Tequilla |
GTD This team imploded last year and hasn’t done much to fix any of the issues. They also have cap issues so getting help didn’t happen. Oh and their goaltending was near the bottom of the league last year. 7th LC Evander Kane noted scumbag and awful person filed for bankruptcy. How’s that money phone working out for you dickhead? |
| St. Louis | Bleed Blue Martini |
GTD Lost their #1 defenseman and captain in free agency. Tried to plug that hole, but not with the same talent. Still a strong team from their cup win two years ago. 3rd LC I don’t know, nice jerseys? |
Scotia North (aka Canada) Division
| Team | Drink | Outlook |
| Calgary | Prairie Fire (Tequila and Tabasco) |
GTD Were very active in trades but not sure it’s enough to get them over the hump. 5th LC Sports talk radio here thinks that the changes made them frontrunners. They will not succeed. |
| Edmonton | Oil from a lifted truck |
GTD While stacked up front, they need help on the blueline to be a true cup contender. 2nd LC You can score all the goals in the world (they will) but if you can’t stop anything you are fucked. |
| Montreal | Mead. Original 6 team that used to be good, but sucks now |
GTD Were active in the offseason, adding depth across the board. Need Price to play up to his level. 4th. LC My Habs friends are annoying. They could sign present day Jaromir Jagr and they would predict he will get 50. [GTD: as a Habs fan Jagr won’t help as he needs someone to pass him the puck, and Price can’t do that] |
| Ottawa | Milk as per this. Bonus that it mentions “DFO” |
GTD Started a rebuild last year and added some key players this offseason (goalie). Scotchy and Maestro use this drinking game to help make games more fun. 7th LC Their owner is a shitweasel approaching Spanos level. |
| Toronto | Toilet water, but put it in an Evian bottle |
GTD Will make playoffs but then flame out first or second round (can’t wait). Even with all the new grit added. 1st LC Centre of the universe. They must not win it all for the good of our country. Too many Leaves fans all over, the worst. |
| Vancouver | Vancouver\London Fog |
GTD Held back by salary cap issues, they were not able to sign as many of their FA as they wanted, but did manage to add some depth. 3rd LC Can’t understand why people would prefer to live and play here? |
| Winnipeg | frozen bug spray |
GTD Have an okay offense and goalie, but not much of a defense and no money to get help there. 6th LC It’s cold, it sucks in the winter and no one in their right mind would want to live through it. This friends is why they have a great scouting system but as soon as a player can leave, they do. |
*Litre and GTD*** production
** one random question answered by 2 people
***does not follow hockey thing regularly.
There’s a full slate of NBA, JV NBA and NHL games for you watch tonight. Check your local listings.
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