Technically, the movie has already opened in Europe and other parts of the world, but it’s opening weekend in the US for the latest James Bond movie. I’m not sure about Canadia, but I’m assuming you guys, unfortunately, get lumped in with us dumbfucks.

Today’s post is dedicated to the James Bond franchise. Well, except for the pictures. Those are all yours. And glorious they are! Big thanks to Horatio for the Mexico tribute! The songs are all my favourite theme songs from the entire James Bond series.

On to Balls’ Thoughts O’ Da Week!

***

Balls’ James Bond Movie Thing Tracker

Not quite a catchy title, but it describes what I’m about to write. Essentially, there are certain things that started off as being unique to James Bond movies, grew to be tradition, moved to cliché, expanded into tropes, and are now just things that are pretty much expected in every James Bond movie.

I was inspired to write this when I was thinking about Joe Bob Briggs and how he used to rate the drive-in and B-movies of the last century using his famous scale/criteria. Every movie had certain elements to it and Joe Bob would run down the numbers (The Drive-In Totals) to make sure you knew exactly how much of the goodness each movie had.

In Joe Bob’s honor, I present to you the James Bond Totals:

• Number of Scantily-clad Girls in Bikinis or Lingerie
• Car chase?
• Train fight?
• Death or Threat of Death by Shark?
• Number of Women that Bond bangs

The Pluto streaming service is again showing the James Bond movies in a special channel, so I’m able to watch them and perform this important research for you. If there are any other categories you think I should add, please let me know in the comments. As I watch more movies, I’ll either do a standalone post or sprinkle them into the Balls’ Thoughts O’ Da Week.

And now, the first movie to get the James Bond Totals treatment:

***

The Living Daylights

This was Timothy Dalton’s first Bond film and one of his two best.

• Number of Scantily-clad Girls in Bikinis or Lingerie: Lots. It starts off with a bored MILF on a boat (1) and then moves on to a Moroccan harem (7) and finishes with Pushkin’s MILFY goodness in lingerie (1) in a scene that features the rare but greatly appreciated BARE SIDE NIPPLE! Total of 9.
• Car chase? Yes! And in the Slovakian ice! Bratislava did not feature again so heavily in a major motion picture until Eurotrip.
• Train fight? No, but there is a plane fight and that’s a moving vehicle usually used for mass transport, so I say it gets a half credit.
• Death or Threat of Death by Shark? No, but this oversight would be more than made up for in Licence To Kill with one shark death, one shark maiming, and one character named Sharkey.
• Number of Women that Bond bangs: 2, the aforementioned MILF from the opening sequence and Maryam (Not Olivia!) d’Abo, who has perfected the “I’m a clueless blonde” look so well, I’m curious if that’s her real life O face.

***

For those of you prudes that don’t like cheesecake or beefcake, click HERE to skip to the music videos.

Here are your Top 11 pictures of the week.

***

YOU’RE-A-PRUDE

***

And now, for the music!

As I mentioned before, I’ve decided that I must take up the mantle that tWBS ran with and help to make this world a better place. I will do this in the one way he couldn’t: By introducing you to good music!

As mentioned above, these are my favourite James Bond movie theme songs. I have not heard the Billie Eilish song, but I really like her, so I’m hoping it’s good. Enjoy!

Song Number One:

Canción Número Dos:

Chanson Numéro Trois:

Canzone numero quattro:

Canção número cinco

Seigarren zenbakia:

***

That’s all for this week, folks! Be good to each other and fly low and avoid the radar.