A Modester Proposal: DFO Buys the Denver Broncos (and Tuesday Open Thread)

I have been called many things: Dreamer. Madman. Mrs. Ethel Burstein.

But this is not some delusion of grandeur, like that time I thought I could renew my drivers license in less than two hours.

No, this dream can come true. WILL come true.

DFO is going to buy the Denver Broncos.

It sort of got lost in the leadup to the Most Glorious Patriots Curbstomp, but a Denver judge cleared perhaps the last major remaining hurdle to the Broncos’ liberation from Pat Bowlen’s Poor Reproductive Choices. When Bowlen bought the franchise in 1984, the seller (Edgar Kaiser Jr., who sounds like the villian of an 80s ET knockoff trying to buy the alien for his abusive petting zoo) retained a right of first refusal on sale of the team. For the lucky few of you DFOists who do not bear The Lawyers’ Curse, that meant if Bowlen tried to sell a portion of the team, Kaiser had the option of repurchasing that portion on those terms. If this sounds familiar, Kaiser tried (and ultimately failed) to assert this when Bowlen offered to sell Ol’ Horseface 10% upon his retirement in 1998. Kaiser died in 2012 and Bowlen punted his last in 2019, and the judge appears to have ruled that any right of first refusal died with these two old white Canadians.  So now, the sale, which Steward of Gondor Joe Ellis wants done before the 2022 season.

The NFL currently places certain restrictions on prospective ownership groups:

1.A controlling owner holding at minimum a 30% stake in the team,

2. No ownership groups of over 24 people, and

3. No publicly traded corporations, religious groups, governments, or non-profit organizations owning a team.

Some of these are no problem. DFO Corporación, although taking in absolutely no money, is not technically a “non-profit”. Nor are we a government, at least not until Project Wombat comes to fruition. The Mysterious High Council of DFOverlords has an undisclosed number of members, but it is fewer than 24. So we’re looking good so far.

Now, you may notice I have not mentioned the Religious Organizations prohibition, nor the small matter of how we come up with somewhere north of $3 billion. Fortunately, we live in the Age of High Dollar Buffoonery, where a confluence of social, political and economic forces allows us a Unique Opportunity.

Step 1. DFO becomes a Church. We already have a robust pantheon of Gods, Goddesses and Lesser Demons, plus a rakishly handsome Head of the Faith (wink). However, we’re going to have to take a page from the early Catholic Church and wholesale co-opt parts of more popular religions in order to further our goals (looking at you, Mary and Easter). So we’ll incorporate some FCA-derivative Christ stuff about salvation and division titles cometh only through Him, etc.

Step 2: We launch a multiprong crypto-fundraising effort. First, we sell NFTs of the True Cross, the Shroud of Turin and Bored Apostle Yacht Club pictures. We also launch a DAO with the stated objective of buying the Holy Grail and moving it to the Bass Pro pyramid in Memphis. With that billion, we buy at least 20 GOP Senators, Brett Kavanaugh and Rush Limbaugh’s skull to carry before us.

Step 3: We announce on Fox News that our generous bid to buy the Denver Broncos (whose stadium is, after all, closest to Heaven) has been refused by the Godless woke liberal communists that are the NFL Owners. Tucker Carlson becomes literally rabid on air. Every aspiring Trumpite candidate denounces our shabby treatment. Donations pour in to Own the Libs.

Step 3: The Supreme Court finds the NFL’s rule to be blatant discrimination against one of the Jesus-y religions. Congress passes the Religious Freedom Re-Restoration Act, mandating sale of the franchise to us. It passes unanimously, because the Democrats want to appear bipartisan.

Step 4: DFO buys the Broncos. Our resident Bronco fans will be named on a three-year term to the Mile High Mystery Committee, who anonymously run the team and issue decisions in the form of Delphic verse. Rex Ryan and Suzy Kolber are hired in ceremonial positions. Reverend Mayhem is named Chief Pontifical Officer and gets to sit in the Owners Suite with no shoes on. Every DFO Commentist gets a day with Limbaugh’s skull, like an even-more-depraved Stanley Cup. John Elway gets his own little enclosure, where rich rubes can pay to feed him a carrot or bleach his teeth.

The plan, as you can see, is so simple and foolproof that the Dallas Cowboys couldn’t fuck it up.

NFL NEWS:

-Pro Bowler Budda Baker is (relatively) fine after nearly paralyzing himself on a tackle Monday night. He was immobilized and carted off, but was diagnosed with a concussion.

-jaguars special teamer Lerentee McCray was arrested in Florida and charged with aggravated fleeing, a second degree felony. At about 1 am, the Man tried to pull him over for doing 88 in a 50 zone. His response was allegedly to give Smokey the middle finger and kick it up past 100, driving erratically. After the first cops (wisely) gave up the chase as dangerous, McCray eventually came to a stop, was arrested and taken to a hospital. Upon being confronted by the original pursuing officer, McCray responded “Oh that was you? My bad.”  Which is just a Hall-of-Fame level response.

-Browns starting DT Malik McDowell was arrested after being found naked wandering near an in-session school. When a cop arrived, McDowell allegedly beat him severely.

None of this is funny. McDowell was drafted in 2017 but sustained a severe head in an ATV accident before he could play. He subsequently got into legal trouble that got him an 11 month jail sentence. The Browns decided that putting him back on the firing line was a responsible thing to do, signing him before the season and wringing 33 tackles and 3 sacks from what was left of his prefrontal cortex.

I’m all for letting a person make their own employment decisions, but the Cleveland Browns should lose a draft pick and the team doctor who certified him to suit up should lose his or her license. This is first-order horseshit, no less reckless than Brian Kelly putting that kid up on that scissor lift. Excoriate me as a paternalistic asshole in the comments as you will.

I won’t be able to hear you from inside that sweet, sweet Owner’s Box

 

 

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; aloof yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called some of these things.
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Gumbygirl

Why am I so tired? I am so tired!!! I’m gonna go read. Goodnight my lovely peeps, and goodnight Mrs. Ethel Burstein, wherever you are!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I have three (3) things I have to finish before I can go to sleep. I have zero (0) desire to do any of them.

yeah right

If one of them is The Three Body Problem you’ve got your work cut out.

yeah right

Shipwrecked. Day 6. Fortunately my provisions of ale, wine and grilled chicken remain well stocked. After shuffling through and discarding many of the washed ashore Fed-Ex packages I came upon a box. Addressed to my very self.

It contained two 1000 piece puzzles, 2 books that I can’t wait to read and the most incredible collection of international snacks ever!

Put the Yum Box to shame.

It had no return address.

Only someone with the diabolical power of our own Doktor Zymm could have tracked me down here.

Thanks Dok.

/ fist to chest

yeah right

Beats the shit out of a pair of ice skates.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How are you feeling? Rumor has it the tail end can be rough.

yeah right

I’ve been 100% symptom free and have never had a positive test.

I just had a close contact.

The pimp out front should have told ya.

Senor Weaselo
Brick Meathook

The NFL currently places certain restrictions on prospective ownership groups:

5. Nobody named Donald Trump

Dunstan

Once in a while, the NFL gets something right.

Senor Weaselo

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Brick Meathook

Helpful Hint: If you turn your underpants inside-out you can wear them for another five days

Doktor Zymm

If you wear underpants with no pants for them to go under, are they still underpants?

litre_cola

They are a sandwich – The Maestro

DJ TAJ

Wow, I don’t know what to say Doc, above and beyond all. Thank you some much for your generosity and kindness, can’t wait to smoke some weed, have a delicious snack and try that snow puzzle. Damn it looks tricky, thank you, coolest thing ever.

rockingdog

Found a funny;

body: i am happy at 98.6 degrees

me: it’s 95 degrees outside

body: what the fuck. i will get heat stroke. are you out of your mind

Dunstan

Lots of talk in the hockey world about this exchange. I am 100% on the player’s side:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjvF-l_yagc

SonOfSpam

Whouse fauult is it?

SonOfSpam

One other thing: As DFO Fantasy Champ (RIP Seamus), I am the GM. Hippo and MakeItSnow and Moose (?) will be the advisory committee and beer getters.

Gumbygirl

I say this every time someone mentions him, but I miss Moosemas.

Don T
Don T

This New Phone is shite!

Anyway, consider repealed the DFO Corporación “We hate money” codicil. I got a local notary to certify drunkenness at time of execution.
In sum, Donks WOOOOOOO

The Maestro

What a fucking legend.

yeah right

This guy? This fucking guy?

I love this guy.

herodotus450

Boston honors historic black player’s jersey retirement by losing 5-1

Dunstan

Can’t believe they couldn’t at least score 3/5 of the other team’s goal total.

herodotus450

Here’s a song I just heard of that only has 4,000 views on The Tube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3mTPKh5rgo

scotchnaut

“As head of the Hiring Committee, I’m sick and tired of these Super Bowl-winning Hall of Fame QB’s like Mr. Elway being President of Football Operations! We need some new blood in here-I nominate… Peyton Manning!”

-Hippo, just before being buried under an avalanche of “BOOOOOO’s”

Game Time Decision

So, are old white Canadians allowed in the new ownership group? They just kicked out two.

/Asking for Maestro
// who I think is the youngest Canadian author
// cause why not

The Maestro

I am indeed in the ownership group already!

The Maestro

Although part of me just keeps reverting to “Aw, the Denver Broncos?”

Game Time Decision

But. And hear me out on this:

ROAD TRIP

The Maestro

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Game Time Decision

-litre_cola

litre_cola

All I know is that there will be kickass wine in the owners box.

Gumbygirl

Gumby just told me he heard a rumor that the Raiders want Tomlin as their new coach, and are willing to give up draft picks to get him.

ballsofsteelandfury

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Yeah. THAT will happen…

ballsofsteelandfury

I just watched his end-of-season press conference. Big changes are coming…

Gumbygirl

Blame Canada?

Game Time Decision

I’m nawt your Buddy, Guy

BugEyedBoo

I watched that press conference on youtube. Then I fucked up and read the comments.

Gumbygirl

Neither is Kliff Kingsbury, but there ya go!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You’re a paternalistic asshole.

But I definitely agree with you that guy shouldn’t have been cleared to play.

Redshirt

Alternative scenario, we create a Trump memorabilia store and sell it to all the MAGA idiots. By the time they realize everything we’ve sold them was infected by smallpox that was carefully crafted by homosexual, transsexual atheists, they’d already given us enough money to buy the Denver Broncos.

Oh, and we’re changing the uniforms and logo back to the 1980s.

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
Redshirt

The vertical stripes are a given, but we’ll figure out the rest later.

litre_cola

Wait, we are allowing our players to wear pants?

Doktor Zymm

This is an important point. I vote neigh.

Gumbygirl

.

facebook_1630188326920_6837505420356984232_742017696631628.jpg
SonOfSpam

CLEAR PANTS.

Gumbygirl

Is mustard uglier than orange? I think they are both hideous. How about a nice lavender, or sage green?

Gumbygirl

I like it!

Redshirt

Can a pony be a bronco?

92E7B72B-6614-4C40-912E-494C9F9BC7F0.png
litre_cola

Redshirt, you are our marketing guy.

SonOfSpam

I’ll put up my shares PLUS 3 gently-used Fleshlights to help make the ownership dream a reality.

I have 2 absolutely non-negotiable conditions.
a) No white quarterbacks, ever
4) Marijuana will be sold at a reasonable cost on all levels

scotchnaut

As far as “The Mary Jane” is concerned, I disagree. As owners we’ve got to have a tiered price program. We’ve got to soak the local yokels up top so that we can prove we’re ‘legit’ and get a seat on the Rules Committee. [points at concave temple] Gotta play the long game.*

*hint-it involves a new “DOINK!” rule

ballsofsteelandfury

But those sitting in the MILE HIGH seats get the strongest stuff because MILE HIGH.

scotchnaut

This opens up a can of horses. Will folks sitting in the mid-tier seats be in Moderately High Stadium?

Gumbygirl

Bottom deck Buzzkills.

Gumbygirl

Rouge? ROUGE!!!

litre_cola

I am for his marijuana policy.

TheRevanchist

Whoa! Hold on. No white QBs means we can’t have Nathan Peterman as a third string, just to make his career last another 10 years as we all make fun of his time as a Bill.

SonOfSpam

plus a rakishly handsome Head of the Faith (wink)

You forgot the “t” on the last word

Redshirt

.

78E0DC49-D2F9-4657-B6B3-C4E7E2D6DB45.jpeg
Gumbygirl

Sorcery!

scotchnaut

Eating an Andy Reid-approved Garbage Plate-leftover Buffalo wings, veggie lasagna, mashed potatoes, mushroom gravy and fried onions. It’s a diaspora of a meal!

King Hippo

I absolutely love this idea, unsurprisingly. D-O-N-K-S!!!!!

ballsofsteelandfury

That plot/plan to buy the Broncos is carefully thought out.

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Doktor Zymm

Hah!

271832209_10102885542681141_4721400324718209260_n.jpg
ballsofsteelandfury

Ha ha ha!!

Doktor Zymm

NFL players get shitty medical care, their only job is to inject the players with painkillers and they can’t even do that without collapsing the occasional lung.

I actually think we can manage this whole thing with just step 2.

scotchnaut

I won’t be able to hear you from inside that sweet, sweet Owners Box

“Being an owner does have its privileges. [winks]”

-Virginia Halas McCaskey

WCS

Owning the Donks would be great, but, still…

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Redshirt

,

20158256-3833-42DE-BF55-17BCC4FB1E3F.gif
WCS

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JustStopDude

FYI, even with double vaccine and booster shot, Covid fucking sucks.

I have no idea what teams are even still in the playoffs as this point.

JustStopDude

I’m pretty much about 80% of the way back. It just completely fucks my work schedule. I was feeling awful, thinking that I might have gotten an older coworker sick.

Then he accidentally let it slip that over the holidays, he visited his granddaughter in Northern Virginia…who had an active case of Covid and then came back to the office right away after new years to work.

But according to him, I’m the one that got him and his wife sick.

I’m mean why would I take covid seriously?…its not like I’ve had TB before.

JustStopDude

Just to add to everyone, I never coughed or had a fever. I had what I thought was a sinus infection and couldn’t stop sneezing.

I kind of expected that if I got covid, it would be like getting pneumonia.

I firmly believe that if not for the vaccine, I would be in dire straights.

And the Browns are out…so I didn’t really miss anything.

Last edited 2 years ago by JustStopDude
scotchnaut

Dire Straights, huh? You might want to get tested for…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRyiosn1qoc&ab_channel=AgustinKnopfler

Last edited 2 years ago by scotchnaut
WCS

Sincerely happy to see you’re back, though.

You’ll kick that bastard virus out to the sun.

King Hippo

ESKIMO BRUTHA!!!!

Gumbygirl

I hope you feel better soon! Two words: Chicken soup.

Game Time Decision

For the soul