The long and the short of it is that México, the land of my birth, isn’t doing Jack Shit in Qatar except picking up tips on how to exploit poor people for cheapo labour.

So, instead I will take this opportunity to tell you about the country in a format very dear to my heart: Judgmental Maps.

Y’all have probably seen these before. They are definitely not PC but are, for the most part, true. I have three pics to share. Here is the first one:

Some of my favourite things about these maps are the obvious misspellings. I really think they do that on purpose. Like with the junk emails we all get where they spell Citibank as Citybank. It’s like they’re saying to the judge, “Your honor, it’s obviously not the same thing! It’s not my fault they believed it!”

Anyhoo, let’s start at the top left and work our way down.

The European vs Amerindian thing has to do with skin colour. Plain and simple. They should have just labeled it that way.

You will see “The Vatican” on all three pics. This is a pocket in Guanajuato that is notorious for being ultra-religious. They basically want to bring back the Spanish Inquisition.

Sodom is México City, which is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, that IS where I was born…

The population density one is very similar to a map one would find for Canadia. Most people live in that belt and everything else is boonies.

The map on rich vs poor illustrates a big divide between Monterrey and the rest of the country. Essentially, the rest of the country thinks Monterrey wants to be American and Monterrey thinks the rest of the country needs to get its shit together. Think Northern Italy vs Southern Italy.

The others are self-explanatory but I do want to mention the quesadilla thing. The reason that people in México City say “quesadilla with cheese” is that quesadillas can be made with both flour and corn tortillas. The standard in México City is corn with only cheese inside. If you make a quesadilla with a flour tortilla, like the rest of the country and specially the north, you can add different fillings like meat or vegetables. Or more cheese. Hence, quesadilla with cheese. The rest of the country just doesn’t understand us chilangos…

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Here are two more that are similar yet have some subtle differences.

And in pretty colour-coded form:

Let’s start with telling you that I was born in México City and have traveled extensively in the country. I also lived for a couple of years in the area labeled “Almost Hell”. Thus, I can attest that these maps are accurate as fuck.

Let’s start at the top left and make our way down to the bottom right, shall we?

Any guesses why Tijuana is labeled as Haitians and Refugees? Low Commander doesn’t get a guess.

Cheap beer = Tecate which is both the city and the beer it produces. Fun fact, you can get a brewery tour and fill up on beer!

San Felipe is a beautiful little town that for a long time was a Spring Break destination for gringos and also is still deeply involved in the Baja 500 and Baja 1000 races. It has a rich history of fishing in the Sea of Cortez but now those waters are protected hence the Illegal Fishing. What, you think they were going to stop doing something they’ve done for decades? Lots of Americans and Canadians there too.

The Hellish Climate of northern Sonora reflects the fact that it gets both fucking hot as hell and cold as hell. It’s really like living on Mars. Oh, and there’s lots of scorpions and snakes. Remember I was there for two years. Fun times.

Anyone that’s driven past Ensenada knows mid Baja is a Wasteland like a renegade planet in Star Wars. When I was there, I expected two suns to come up over the horizon.

I’m really surprised they didn’t call Sinaloa and environs Narcolandia. You call Disneyland Disneylandia. Narcoland should be Narcolandia. That way, Narcolandia 2 could be Narcolandia Shanghai.

One thing that the colour-coded version really highlights that the other one doesn’t is how gay-friendly the west coast of Jalisco is. This is a new development from when I lived in México. Back then, gay people lived in Sodoma/México City. The Gay Mafia got rich since then and bought up oceanside property. Good for them!

Oh, and if you don’t think the Gay Mafia has ties to the Narcos, you’re living in a dream world.

The other thing the colour-coded map shows well is the difference in conservative vs liberal areas. That one is pretty dead on.

Everyone has noticed where the Nude beaches are, right? I don’t need to go over that, right? Okay, moving on.

Do you see the section of Morelia marked Monarch butterflies? That’s another reason why the fútbol team was named Monarcas de Morelia. Until the Narcos bought the team and moved it to the Kraken.

Avoid The Void at all costs. There’s a reason it’s called that. There is literally nothing there.

You may have noticed an innocent little “Chernobyl” in the north and wondered, “What’s that about?”. Read this and shake your head.

Speaking of cheery history, are we going to gloss over the two genocides? No? Okay, fine.

Now you know why the fútbol team is called Santos Laguna. And yes, there’s no water in the “Laguna”.

The Tlaxcala joke is a good one and absolutely true. I’ve never met anyone from Tlaxcala.

My parents lived for a few years in the area labeled “Area 51” and “Third World New Orleans”. Both are true. Weird shit over there.

Pejelandia refers to the part of the country that greatly supports the current Mexican president López Obrador. His nickname is “El Peje”. The joke is that he says everyone is happy in the country despite all the problems. Hence Mexicans ask if they are living in México or Pejelandia.

There are two really funny ones in the coloured map. The first is “Nuns selling Rompope” which is absolutely true and delicious. The second is “Oil Traffickers getting caught on fire due to their stupidity”. That one is hilarious. Here is the background.

Guatemala as “Chiapas Del Sur” or “Our Rebel State” is both funny and gives you a really good insight as to how they think of their Southern neighbor. Which is to say dismissively and possessively. In relation to that, “Bitcoin” for El Salvador is a nice little dig. No way that can go wrong, right? 🤦

Everyone saw the Topless Gringas thing, right? No need to go over that, right?

The reason why Honduras is labeled as “Filthy Immigrants that hate beans” is that Hondurans prefer red beans over the black beans preferred in southern México or the pinto beans preferred in northern México. That means they hate beans.

The Filthy part is just pure racism.

So, I hope this has been educational. As far as the games, as is tradition, México will get past the Group Stage and lose the first Knockout game. This happens every World Cup and it will continue to happen for all eternity for all World Cups that México doesn’t host. In those, they’ll avance one more game and then lose.

If you have questions about anything in the maps, please put them in the comments and I’ll do my best to answer them.