Guttersnipe

The Fingers are slipping. Our grip now loose and floppy after once being sunk firmly and deeply into the grab-holes of first place. We are nearing the pure, un-scrubbed ass bottom of the league standings. I’m also being consistently shorted on purples when I get “rainbow” carrots.

We entered last week 15th of 18 teams and on a steady downward trajectory. Three quarters of the squad is just about full-up on bowling. Lily Liver, meanwhile, wants to keep at it in the spring and summer and “bowl every week, forever”. He needs only find two or three new friends — which he might actually get by poaching the eager beavers from other teams in the current league.

Now, this week we found ourselves right back around the horn playing the same team on the same lane as the first week of the season. While in week 1 we ended up thrashing them three straight games, this time they came out looking for revenge. If it weren’t for their sub throwing some serious gutter they would’ve had it because my team just plain sucked.

Game 1 and Lily led the charge for us with a 129. I had a 116 and that was still better than our bottom roller who pushed a soggy 86 down the arrows. They blew us away, 882-810 with the handicaps included.

Game 2 we got lucky as their sub beat up the back corners and ended up with a 78. The other three on their side topped all of our scores save one but that painful sub score let us off the hook and we took an 845-839 win. God bless the lady, she really fed it to us in a pearl-handled honey pot.

Game 3 we sort of stirred to life, desperate for something to take away from it all. I managed a halfway decent 137, second behind our lady bowler’s 152. The opposition came out flat, putting up an 813 total to our 888 and giving us 2 of 3 games and the overall by a scant 9 points. Despite it all we still scuffle along at the end of the line, waiting for the sweet release of some sort of playoff elimination so we can go and drink in peace. Soon enough, dear children, it will all go dark.

Someone asked about the state of the chairs in my league alley so here they are. Not the best. Not even goddamn close. They swivel out and rotate but they’re too close to the lanes and just kind of annoying. There are also more of the same type, swivel-free, set back a bit from these ones but they are somehow both higher and taller and even less comfortable.

I miss the now-shuttered Lake City bowl. It was a perfectly old, grimy alley just past Darky’s Pawn, with the grow ops and brothel next door. The bowling was cheap and the benches were comfortable. The beer gave everyone a headache, the staff didn’t care one iota and people almost never got stabbed buying drugs in the bathroom.

No use crying about spilt milk, though. Unless you’re a dairy farmer. That’s your living, damn it. Ehhh, well, back to it I go, now. Enjoy your evenings.

5 7 votes
Article Rating
BC Dick
An aspiring nihilist who lives in British Columbia and feels nothing while watching the Seahawks, Blue Jays, Lions, Canucks, and several local minor league teams.
Subscribe
Notify of
69 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Alex_Demote

Ayy chair pictures! Thanks! I would sit there but you’re right they’re way too close.

Brick Meathook

comment image

WCS

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Ok, time to go to bed with a bottle of the least ecologically friendly brand of premium water that was delivered to my door at an unsustainable 70% discount. Doing my part to make this planet friendly for dinosaurs again!

2Pack

Evening / morning folks. Sorry for the the teams slide there BC. Sounds like it’s time to, as we say, “embrace the suck”. The high times of low(erd) expectations.

litre_cola

So would Ina Garten and TWBS make a cute couple?

https://twitter.com/foodandwine/status/1620626514181079041?s=20

SonOfSpam

Well, Scotchy would have to visit her first.

Gumbygirl

Her heart belongs to Jeffrey.

Doktor Zymm

Oh, and the purple carrots thing is real

Gumbygirl

I don’t love them. They have a weird, kind of woody center. I do like the yellow ones though. And I love parsnips, carrot-adjacent! Hey, I left the house today for the first time in weeks. It was a little scary, but I put on my big girl panties!

Doktor Zymm

My only complaint with parsnips is they are a beeyach to peel

herodotus450

Peel? Uh oh.

SonOfSpam

lol woody center

LongtimeLionsLoser

So I used the expression “put on my big boy pants” at work, in the context of having to get started on a long, daunting document (like 75 pages or so).

But then some coworker chimed in with “you shouldn’t use that expression because it’s gender specific and ageist.” I’m 41, so am I a dinosaur? I didn’t think that there was an offensive spin to big boy pants, but the reaction was as if I’d kicked a kitten.

Doktor Zymm

Oh, so I was curious about the term ‘angler’ and it seems it comes from the Latin for ‘to bend’ as in bending a fishhook, but also explains why Bender was totally shooting all the angles

Brick Meathook

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Mixed Media Mulch Makers

jjfozz

Mrs. Fozz has been gone since Sunday night, she gets back tomorrow evening.

This house looks like it’s been inhabited by brain damaged rockapes who were battling a Hell’s Angel gang who were liquored up on PCP and grain alcohol.

Good god, I have to call my mother and get her ass over here to clean this place up.

WCS

Just sweep everything under the carpets.

comment image

Redshirt

Step 1: Get your entire family bought into The Plan. Explain that Mrs. Fozz’s wrath will consume them all and not just you.
Step 2: Get your camping gear. If you don’t have camping gear, buy camping gear. It is integral to The Plan.
Step 3: Pack up your car and go around the corner. Be out of sight of her.
Step 4: When she returns, pull in behind her.
Step 5: “Oh, yeah, after you left, I took the family camping to get us reconnected with nature. I’m just glad to be home to spend time with my loving…. OH, HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE?!”

Last edited 1 year ago by Redshirt
jjfozz

Only one problem: she knows that I loathe camping. But i can use the bones of this plan to figure something out.

Redshirt

That was the refined part of The Plan. The rough draft was “burn down the house and the mess is gone”, but there was some apparent flaws in The Plan.

Doktor Zymm

Might have to head to AC for a weekend in April since ATLARGE will be happening again at the Borgata! My favourite trashy city has fallen even further from the parking garage stabbings and chip butter of when I was there regularly in the late aughts, but it’s still kicking! (although those may be post-mortem muscle spasms like blinking guillotined heads)

WCS

comment image

TheRevanchist

Is that during the end of March Madness time frame? Sports betting galore!

Gumbygirl

My cousin was a dealer at one of the AC casinos back then. I can’t remember the name, something like Claridge? She’s a pit boss at the Rivers casino in Pittsburgh now.

Brick Meathook

comment image

Brick Meathook

This is how they dispose of whacked mobsters

WCS

Unfortunate Bond villains and future Oscar winners, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF0FysDwEBg&ab_channel=DudeandDorothyLogoArchive3.0

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m supposed to go bowling with my team next week. Need this fucking elbow to heal.

King Hippo

Just bowl granny style!

Doktor Zymm

Is this the tennis elbow from Gumbygirl’s joke? Or are you secretly Brock Purdy?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gumbygirl’s joke? Did she tell the same one I did in my post today?

Doktor Zymm

It’s possible it was yours all along and I misattributed it in my head, Tuesdays and Thursdays are my ‘exert myself hugely in the morning then binge and crash’ days.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, it was Gumbygirl, we all saw it. And no, BFC, we are not gaslighting you, we don’t even know what that word means.

Doktor Zymm

That lake city bowl photo looks like the sort of standard bowling alley that was popular for kid’s birthdays when I was growing up. I wasn’t aware there were bowling spots that didn’t look like that, except maybe Southport Lanes. Even the White House bowling alley is probably like that

jjfozz

Just got back from basketball practice. I thought I had succeeded in telegraphing my wish to be left the fuck alone to all of the other parents on the team. I guess one joker didn’t get the message.

How many one word answers do I have to give you?

How many times do I look up from my phone and grimace?

Look pal, I hate people. I don’t know you, but I know you’re a fucking twat. So leave me alone.

Also, why in FUCK does everyone in the world need to carry water bottles? Are they worried about getting lost in the desert?

Finally, if you’re an adult, and you have a water bottle and you put stickers on it, then I reserve the right to jam that fucking thing right the fuck down your throat. You’re not a 12 year old 8th grader, you’re an adult. Fucking act like one.

Same goes for anyone in the professional world who puts stickers on their laptops. Hey motherfucker, we’re not 9 years old and collecting Pokemon cards. We’re adults.

You want shiny stickers? Fine. I’ll wrap and entire roll of duct tape around your stupid fat head and watch you die slow.

Doktor Zymm

You would nawt do well in Big Tech. There are also stuffed animals. The giant Pusheen was an excellent coworker, and I once bought a bunch of miniature rubber ducks and left them on the desks of all the people I liked, that was a fun day, back before I got screwed over by a shitty manager and everything went downhill from there

Sharkbait

Laptop stickers are the prison tattoos of the Tech World.

jjfozz

The douche head creative at the last agency I worked at had his laptop plastered with them – every time we went to a pitch, I would sit there and dream of smashing that thing right over his head.

Sharkbait

At my last gig, I had some on mine, but they were all breweries. I think that a little more respectable. Now that I’m permanent work from home I have none

litre_cola

I agree with all of this. As an adult if you receive stickers give them to young’uns. But not out of a windowless van where you keep your puppies and sweets.

herodotus450

People who eat food while it’s still too hot, burn they mouths, then act all tough about it: you disgust me.

Doktor Zymm

I usually just say ‘ow! Hot!’ and then feel the need to explain that I mean the temperature is hot, not that it’s spicy, in the full of capsacin way, not the spiced wine way, because English somehow manages to have loads of shades of meaning except in this one specific area where we use too many words for the same thing, and by then the food has cooled off

ballsofsteelandfury

Just speak Spanish and say “picante” or “caliente”.

Fuck them if they’re not worldly and bilingual.

litre_cola

Just use the inhale and “achachachacha” method to cool down.

Brick Meathook

BC Dick’s bowling opponents:

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

8 year olds, dude.

King Hippo

“Tell me more about that thar Darky’s Pawn” – Jefferson Beauregard S., Lickspittle, AL

jjfozz

“Well I don’t rightly recall his name, but it ended in ‘stein’ or ‘berg’, if you catch mah drift.”

litre_cola

Weed shop , bowling alley and brothel. That is just superb urban planning IMO.

scotchnaut

“What kind of broths do they serve at that brothel? I love a good bone broth!”

-Eli

scotchnaut

Sens ruthlessly dissembling the Canadiens argument that they should win, 2-1.

Dunstan

I can’t hear you, I’m too busy recalculating draft lottery odds.

scotchnaut

The only Canadien I ever liked was The Roadrunner-he showed that Wiley Coyote who was the final boss.

Dunstan

What about Claude Lemieux? He was such a charmer!

Redshirt

“Pain” will forever be the Cincinnati Sports Battlecry.

Redshirt

I can confirm everything in the video to be true.

“We better not suck; I can’t go back there.”

“We’re gonna turn this thing around…into oncoming traffic!”

“Boy our fanbase is really chirping with the trash talking. Are we sure that’s a good thing?”

“… … …the refs!

Redshirt

Every NFL Fan’s Reaction to Championship Sunday – YouTube

“Fire the refs! Impeach the mayor! AND NO ONE FROM THIS FANBASE IS TRASH-TALKING AGAIN!!!

Sharkbait

Thanks to my shitty genetics, I’ve started blood pressure meds. Doctor says no booze restrictions so hooray!

Doktor Zymm

You can always drop you blood pressure by donating blood repeatedly! Less blood, less blood pressure! Also gets you buzzed faster!

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
Sharkbait

comment image

BeefReeferLives

Denver needs to realize that pulling Pa/eytons off the scrap heap is not a sustainable business model.

scotchnaut

They’ll be really good with chunk plays though.

/have you seen him recently?

King Hippo

Be good for area restaurants I guess. And Andy will enjoy having another fatty in the division.