Can’t We Just Hit “Simulate Season”?: 2023 Carolina Panthers Season Preview

2022 PREDICTION: Bad

2022 REALITY: Worse (but not bad enough)

The Carolina Panthers. They have been in the league for nearly 30 years, and yet they have never shaken that Expansion Franchise stink despite playing in two Super Bowls- which I attribute to their insistence on teal-adjacent colors. They exist solely to be some ESPN blogger’s edgy darkhorse pick each preseason, although anyone who did so this year would be immediately committed as a danger to themselves and others.

The David Tepper ownership era, which began with the optimism born of him not being Jerry Richardson, has been an unmitigated disaster. After several years of fast-start-then-collapse strategies, they decided to switch it up and suck from the get-go in 2022. After a 1-4 start and a 11-27 overall record, Coach Matt Rhule was shown the door after earning $5.6 million per win. Defensive Coordinator Steve Wilks, previously known for getting fucked over by the Cardinals in his one-year tenure as head coach, got another chance at the Big Chair. Well, I say “chance”, despite the team promptly trading away their only offensive weapon in Christian McCaffrey and having Baker Mayfield, Sam Darnold and PJ Walker as his quarterbacks. Wilks went 6-6 and earned the loyalty of the team.

So of course Wilks received almost no consideration for the permanent job. I’ll let you do an image search if you are unclear why. They ended up 7-10, in case your math skills are like mine, good for the 9th pick in the draft despite almost being enough to win the NFC South.

2023 Big Damn Changes: Most everything. They hired Frank Reich as their head coach, which- while bullshit- is at least defensible bullshit. Reich threw the first TD pass in franchise history, was largely handicapped by Andrew Luck’s retirement and subsequent subpar QB play in Indy (albeit largely from a QB of his own choosing) and seems a decent fellow. The new offensive coordinator is Thomas Brown, a former running back who was the Rams’ assistant head coach during their Super Bowl win. Their new defensive coordinator is Ejiro Evero, who wisely passed up the Denver interim coaching gig and held the Broncos defense together last year, and was also on the Rams Super Bowl staff. So far, so good!

The biggest Big Damn Change is at quarterback, where Carolina mortgaged the farm, the barn, the tractor and Ma’s best pair of britches to move up and snag the diminutive Heisman winner Bryce Young out of Alabama. Specifically, they gave up two firsts (2023 and 2024), two seconds (2023 and 2025) and their only remaining offensive player with a pulse, DJ Moore. Young is small for…well, pretty much any NFL player outside of kickers, and he’s actually shorter than average there too, at 5’10” and 204. Normally, I deride the meathead analyst trope of “He’s too small to play in the NFL!” and I stand by that here. Unfortunately, I think he may be too small to play for the Carolina Panthers, whose offensive line is a sieve and where he will be throwing to Vikings castoff Adam Thielen, Falcons castoff Hayden Hurst, and Detroit castoff DJ Chark.  Short quarterbacks require scheming to allow for sightlines, and unless every play is a designed rollout, there is no way Young will have enough time to see the field before he gets buried.

Defense is still pretty good though, and Miles Sanders will probably have a good year trying to take the pressure off Young.

SCHEDULE CONSIDERATION

This is where the Panthers have a puncher’s chance. Not only are they in the moribund NFC South, where 8-9 was good enough for the playoffs, but they drew the equally craptacular AFC South as their main cross-conference schedule this year. That is ten inherently winnable games off the top. Their in-conference games revolve around the NFC North, which I consider a true crapshoot. The schedule is finished with a dusting of maybe-good-may-suck teams in Dallas, Seattle and Miami. I anticipate at least 7 games decided by a touchdown or less in the fourth quarter.

2023 PREDICTION: 6-11. It’s not going to be a pretty 6-11 either, and without a first rounder next year, I wouldn’t hold out much hope there either

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Wander Franco likes his women the way I like my whiskey: 14 years old and enjoyed in the dark silence of my bedroom lest someone find out my secret

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

NAMBLA completely condemns Wander Franco’s actions as they were not with “a supple 14 year old boy”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

They call him Wander Franco because he wanders into underage snatch

bk109

Completely unrelated to the poltical kabuki* that got y’all excited. As I’m trading in my old R8 for a new one, do I get the Spyder again, or should I get a coupe instead? On one hand, I do like driving with the top down when weather permits it, on the other – the car will mostly be driven in Ireland, so “weather permitting” becomes an issue.

*We all know that US and Global politics are actually controlled by a massive kabal of ancient gray lizard aliens living in the abandoned nazi base in the main chamber of our hollow moon.

Mr. Ayo

Always preferred hard tops myself. No manual transmission on the new one though is a bummer.

bk109

The current one has a tiptronic (I would’ve gone with a manual, but it was a performance bonus from work so I didn’t have input in spec’ing it) so the loss of the manual option’s not a biggie. Honestly, the more annoying bit for me is that there’s no pure electric version on the market as it’d make the bugger more viable for a daily-ish driver

Mr. Ayo

Well if you want electric performance go with the eTron. Although I’ve heard of many folks having front seat access issues due to the B pillar.

But you will at least enjoy the much nicer dual clutch auto in the new version.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

My understanding is that “weather permitting” in Ireland means “randomly distributed intervals of fifteen to twenty minutes at a time”.

bk109

Actually, thanks to climate change we’ve had days with more sun than rain!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY THE RIGHT REVEREND ELECTRIC MAYHEM I CALL HIM THE REPUBLICAN PARTY BECAUSE HE SUPPORTS A COUP.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not going to do one of these for everyone that got indicted tonight, but it’s certainly tempting.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, last one (and in my opinion the funniest):

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Last edited 1 year ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

MLB Network mentioning that Wander Franco isn’t in the Rays line-up while not mentioning that it’s because he was apparently dating a 14-year-old is certainly a choice.

Dunstan

Matt Gaetz just bought a Wander Franco jersey

SonOfSpam

I hope somewhere the universe does some justice and injures him violently and embarrassingly (you mean Franco or Gaetz? yes)

Doktor Zymm

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SonOfSpam

Not dating per se

PER SE

Horatio Cornblower

One of the great things about Jenna Ellis also being indicted is that it reminds us all of Trump’s penchant for hiring attorneys whose bra size match their LSAT scores.

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Donald Trump, former US president
Rudy Giuliani, Trump lawyer
Mark Meadows, White House chief of staff
John Eastman, Trump lawyer
Kenneth Chesebro, pro-Trump lawyer
Jeffrey Clark, top Justice Department official
Jenna Ellis, Trump campaign lawyer
Robert Cheeley, lawyer who promoted fraud claims
Mike Roman, Trump campaign official
David Shafer, Georgia GOP chair and fake elector
Shawn Still, fake GOP elector
Stephen Lee, pastor tied to intimidation of election workers
Harrison Floyd, leader of Black Voices for Trump
Trevian Kutti, publicist tied to intimidation of election workers
Sidney Powell, Trump campaign lawyer
Cathy Latham, fake GOP elector tied to Coffee County breach
Scott Hall, tied to Coffee County election system breach
Misty Hampton, Coffee County elections supervisor
Ray Smith

Doktor Zymm

I’m not sure I want to know, but what is Rudy’s bra size?

SonOfSpam

Double D(runk)

Col. Duke LaCross

Looks like maybe a B to me?

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Horatio Cornblower

Mark Meadows is interesting, because Jack Smith didn’t indict him and I was thinking he was cooperating. I guess he could still be cooperating with the feds and not GA, but that would be weird.

Hopefully MSNBC;’s talking heads can beat this into the ground over the next 3-4 days and I can either make sense of it or just be bludgeoned into an opinion on it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Could he have already worked out a deal with the D.A.? So he’ll be indicted and then they’ll release the details at his arraignment?

Horatio Cornblower

Sure?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ray Smith?

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blaxabbath

Imagine the damage the Clark’s of the administration did.

SonOfSpam

SHE GOT COVID VIA RUDYFART

Dunstan

Somewhere at Trump 2024 HQ, an intern sighs and resets the “No Indictments for X Days” sign to zero.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The Georgia indictment has been released and it includes a total of EIGHTEEN people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q1GFsaeBIU

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY DONALD TRUMP I CALL HIM TheRevanchist BECAUSE HE IS PROBABLY THROWING UP BLOOD RIGHT NOW.

/but seriously dude we are worried about you – update us when you have some news

SonOfSpam

what he said, get better and don’t do state-level crimes

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So it’s not DJ Shart?

Dunstan

What is the proper drink for a Georgia indictment? I’ve got some peach liqueur here, maybe that with some bourbon.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was trying to work out an old fashioned recipe that involved sweet tea bitters, perhaps you can fiddle around with that plus the peach?

Dunstan

Peach liqueur, rye, and orange bitters.

Doktor Zymm

I see what you did there!

Horatio Cornblower

I’m finding beer to work quite nicely.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How about you take an orange, scoop out the guts, pour in Malort, and then we hope he ends up in a Chicago prison?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve been drinking, so I’m not all that creative

Horatio Cornblower

Buddy, I’m drinking Juice Machine by Treehouse.

You are responding to the wrong part of this thread.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There is no wrong part of the thread, only zuul

Doktor Zymm

I see you trying to make me say the Chicago secret torture jail is a good idea, but I’m nawt falling for it

Gumbygirl

Marijuana. I have some infused prerolls that tested at 50%. I am nicely toasted, and digging this bigly!

SonOfSpam

Fuzzy Navel is obvious but could still work

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Add some watermelon juice to it to make it a Fuzzy Zoeller.

SonOfSpam

Pairs well with chicken, esp fried

TheRevanchist

Threw up a bunch of blood. So, I’m at the ER. Quite a list of characters here. I’ll elaborate more when I don’t feel like vomiting some more.

Mr. Ayo

Stupid ulcers. Get better soon.

WCS

Jeezus. Well, keep us posted, and feel better.

Doktor Zymm

Hugs. From behind though where it’s less bloody. Seriously though, hope you are ok and all the organs are doing well.

Redshirt

Get better!

Horatio Cornblower

I recommend a lot of milk.

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Feel better, man.

TheRevanchist

One lady was chewing out someone over the phone. The whole ER went quiet while we all listened in.

Gumbygirl

Oh no! Hope they get it under control soon, and give you some of the good stuff. Feel better, we need you!

bk109

I hope it’s nothing serious and you’re on the mend quickly 🙂 By the way, for ulcers you may want to give some anise-infused drink a try (in small, medicinal doses ofc) – ouzo or mastika for example (or “anasonliika”/lit. anise-rakiya) have done me wonders

BugEyedBoo

That sucks, man. Fingers crossed.

Doktor Zymm

Speaking of XXXXXXXXXX, you know Last Tango In Paris wasn’t made by anyone French because they would NAWT WASTE BUTTER LIKE THAT

SonOfSpam

I say “Lemme get the bitter” in a Brando voice about twice a year, and it never fails to repulse.

We watched about five minutes of that movie and it was all about dairy products. Hilarious and disturbing, but mostly hilarious.

SonOfSpam

BUTTER NOT BITTER. I am way too sober right now.

WCS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEVZbuNXaFw&ab_channel=ERNSTmusik

EDIT: That’s the wrong clip. Whatever, it’s Craig and Geoff, so it’s always fun.

Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
herodotus450
Dunstan

Always!

Redshirt

Biden isn’t behind this. Not because he’s too old and senile but because no Democrats are able to pull of a conspiracy like this.

If a Democrat walked into a bar holding a million dollars in one hand and their biography “999 Ways to Unlimited Orgasms”, they would still leave that bar disgruntled and alone.

Doktor Zymm

I’m happily No Party Preference, but if I had to pick one, I will pick incompetence (Democrats) over malice (Republicans) every time. But yeah, anyone who claims this is Deep State Democrats being super successful has obviously nawt been paying attention

bk109

No internal malice. I distinctly remember the time when “Wag The Dog” stopped being a dark political satire and became the modus operandi every time Clinton slipped and fell into a intern’s… ;). In fact my grandmothers’ house still has shrapnel from a missile that overshot Serbia in ’99
That’s why you all should use me as a write-in ballot the next election cycle. I solemly promise that while I may be just as incompetent as either Partie’s <redacted since I don’t want to swear from my first post in the morning> and because I’ll enact a programme where every man, woman and child in the US gets to kick Dan Snyder in the nuts!

Doktor Zymm

I support your Snyder nuts kicking platform 100%!

The whole ‘Wag the Dog’ thing depends on Americans giving even a miniscule shit about what happens abroad, and that wasn’t true during the Clinton years and it’s not true now. I’m just happy enough of my relatives decided to come to the US instead of walking large distances across Eastern Europe that I was born here instead of there.

bk109

Ah, you see, the bit about “Wag The Dog” isn’t about the US giving a shit about what happens abroad. It’s about winning. Basically, it’s like US Women’s soccer – as long as those lasses won stuff even if it’s in a sport that most of the world ignores harder than a YT pre-roll ad, people care and celebrate them. Start underperform like the men’s team and … 😉 Or to mangle a sentiment from 1905 – there’s nothing like a short, victorious war to distract people from the problems at home

Horatio Cornblower

I love the GOP rocketing back and forth between “Biden is an incompetent boob who’s one banana peel from plunging to his death on a carpeted floor” to “Biden is Kesyer Soze.”

Just no shame or substance to that party at all.

BugEyedBoo

Schrödinger’s President. Obama got it too. Needed to read his speeches off a teleprompter, and was head of the Bavarian Illuminati.

Doktor Zymm

It would be a lot funnier if these views weren’t somehow compatible in the scary alternate reality of people like MTG.

Horatio Cornblower

I was talking about just that with a friend of mine this weekend. It’s great to joke about here but the horrible reality is that the people you’re talking about do not see anything wrong with it at all. AT. ALL.

Anyway, that’s why I’m against mandatory vaccinations.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In other news, there’s speculation that Space Karen is buying a steel company simply so he can own the ticker symbol $X.

WCS

Can’t Modern Randolph Hurst just buy a moon of Saturn and move there?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

seriously where is dr manhattan when you need him smh

Doktor Zymm

Note to past self circa ’90s – register x.com, x.org, x.net, x.edu

Redshirt

“Bitcoin? Sounds like a fad.” – Redshirt, 2009

Horatio Cornblower

My millennial son used to mock me for not getting into Bitcoin. Am I kicking him now that’s down?

Yes. Yes I am.

BugEyedBoo

This is the sort of shit that makes you want to turn Communist. Not that cuddly Stalin Communism either, more that Pol Pot kind.

Doktor Zymm

I may wear contacts, but I’m still against killing everyone who wears glasses

bk109

Yer still dying, since the whole “kill the professionals and middle class thing” is… a thing. Now, if you want to keep the death squads at bay – put an Ann Coulter t-shirt and put an Atlas Shrugged on the coffee table and you should survive 😀

Col. Duke LaCross

Even if one believes that this is all a political hit-job by Biden, all that really means is that Biden’s better at even that than Trump. Neither Hillary nor Obama got even a hint of a slap on the wrist while Trump was in total control of the Federal government, and the best Trump could do against Biden was to try and extort Ukraine to make some shit up.

Doktor Zymm

Not even against Biden, against his son, and close relatives being total fuckups tends to be more funny than damaging
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Horatio Cornblower

Somewhere in my mother’s house there may be a can of this.

Which means my mother’s house is probably a Superfund site by now.

WCS

The “Fuck Your Feelings” crowd seems to be angry for some reason at the moment.

Well, more so.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

All those tough guys who insist they are “stoics” punching air right now.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t trust any chic who isn’t willing to stab herself in the thigh to show how stoic and trustworthy she is #ettu #portia

Redshirt

Georgia is the exception to that theory. Biden can control DC and FL and can influence NY (liberal state). GA is solidly conservative. If Biden tried to influence, GA would release that in a heartbeat. Not leak; release.

Horatio Cornblower

The GOP efforts in this regard have definitely worked on me, in that I am definitely never going to vote for Hunter Biden for anything.

SonOfSpam

Rachel Maddow just interviewed Hillary for the last 30 minutes and poor Hillary had to pretend to be sad about what’s happening rather than cackling crazily into the camera and screaming “GUESS WHO’S NOT IN TROUBLE MOTHERFUCKERS???”

Doktor Zymm

SHE doesn’t cackle, because only witches cackle, and if she hasn’t been indicted during this witch-hunt it means she’s NAWT A WITCH

Game Time Decision

The first time jumping on a couch in the middle of an interview would have been expected

Redshirt

If you’ll excuse me going Full Conservative, I have hated Hillary “Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy” Clinton since I was a teenager, but even I’ll happily accept 30 minutes of her cackling. She’s earned this one.

SonOfSpam

(also she was right about the conspiracy and pretty much everything)

Horatio Cornblower

Except not campaigning in Wisconsin, or not cutting ties with Huma when the latter wouldn’t divorce obvious pervert Anthony Weiner, or having a server at her house for no reason other than hubris, or letting Bill wander around saying dumb shit in 2016.

She was right about everything, I voted for, everyone in my family voted for her, and I never want to hear anything from her or Bill ever again.

Now
/unfurls 4,000′ scroll
//clears throat
///HUGE sip of water

about Ruth Bader Ginsburg…

Horatio Cornblower

Sorry, I’m as “straight blue no matter who” these days when it comes to voting but fucking hard pass on listening to anything either of the Clintons, or Maddow for that matter, have to say.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

INDICT NIGHT TONIGHT!

SonOfSpam

QUITE RIGHT FIGHT BLIGHT

Dunstan

I don’t know about this. If they can indict Trump, then they can indict any of us who engage in election fraud and intimidation in recorded phone calls.

Doktor Zymm

Shit, my 4th grade loss for school treasurer is now totally up for reevaluation

SonOfSpam

yes but i asked you NICELY to stop harassing my digs

SonOfSpam

meant dogs, but “you’re harassing my house” also works

Doktor Zymm

Or illegal mining works, or maybe even blood emerald sites in South Africa

SonOfSpam

You better not be referencing super geniuss Bootstraps Elon.

Doktor Zymm

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

SonOfSpam

so edgy and futuristic and whatnot

Horatio Cornblower

“I didn’t know mining was illegal!!!”

-Wander Franco

WCS

but but but Hunters emails! crroked hillary! ben gazi!

blaxabbath

I’m on EST. How the hell is it 9:30a?

WCS

Eastern Standard Time on Neptune

Doktor Zymm

Your internal clock may be on EST, but are you physically in Beijing by any chance?

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
Redshirt

Don’t look at me, I set my time machine to 2015 so I can install a tripwire on Trump’s escalator.

litre_cola

In Montreal!

/for work

I did just have a bottle of wine and beef tartare though. Magnifique!

Doktor Zymm
SonOfSpam

So…ten indictments. No other info yet.

Doktor Zymm
litre_cola

Lindsay just watches no?

SonOfSpam

(Robyn voice): HE’S IN THE CORNER

litre_cola

THATS MEEE IN THE CORNERRRRR

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg

SonOfSpam

BOOZING WITH MY PIGEON

Doktor Zymm
blaxabbath

AWWWWW YEAH SUBPOENA POWER PART 2! GET READY, PELOSI, THIS IS GOING TO BE JUST THE BEGINNING!!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m thinking about also having pie for dinner.

Doktor Zymm

Damn <insert generation here>, always telling us about what they eat on social media!

blaxabbath

Take that big slice of poontang pie, turn that sunbitch sideways….

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King Hippo

Wanna see a fat guy and his grandson cat? TOO LATE smgdh.

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WCS

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Doktor Zymm

WHOLESOMER CONTENT

King Hippo

Bronco is his first name (Wolven Sort kid gave him that), I bestowed the middle name “Victor.” Though I call him his cousin’s name (Noodles) all the fucking time.

Horatio Cornblower

Just waiting here patiently for your cat named ‘Bernard Gilkey’ to show up.

Doktor Zymm

HE IS NOODLES AND HE IS GLORIOUS

(NOODLES II aka NOODLES JR aka DOPPLENOODLES)

Last edited 1 year ago by Doktor Zymm
King Hippo

Noodles is the black/dark grey grandson! I am so proud that Kruger taught him how to hiss, been a big help in greeting his new cousin.

Doktor Zymm

I love your cats

King Hippo

And I am sure they would love your avatar!

Senor Weaselo

REAL LIVE HIPPOS!

Mr. Ayo

I was expecting a lot more empty pill bottles scattered in the background.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ve had so much Natty Bo with that guy!!

Doktor Zymm

The best beer with a one-eyed moustache guy on it!

Gumbygirl

My next door neighbor, who only comes out here on the weekends, hired some guy to do something, no one is really sure what, and he knocked out everybody’s Spectrum. All fucking afternoon, no internet. She’s going to have to pay for the repair, they’ve been here most of the day with 4 employees and two bucket trucks. The guy cut their line and put something in it’s place. Spectrum is not amused.That will be pricey, I bet!

herodotus450

sleeper cell agent for Comcast, I’d bet.

Doktor Zymm

You are having rotten luck with the new place!

BugEyedBoo

.

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Doktor Zymm

Wholesome content

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WCS

I had student with the first name of “KVIIIlynne” once.

Gumbygirl

I managed an after school daycare program years ago. There was a child who’s name was something like Vynquivvvia, not sure how it was spelled. Neither was she, it was different every time she wrote it, and I think she was in like 4th grade. Her sister’s name was Ivy, go figure.

Horatio Cornblower

I sent that to my mother, who with her sister are big classical culture geeks, and then had to explain it to Mom, because she just had cataract surgery and couldn’t see what was going in.

“You see, Mom, when two people are deeply in love and have no access to contraception….”

SonOfSpam

Looks like surprise indictment night!

I think Trump and Giuliani are getting it, but Lady G getting popped would also be lovely.

King Hippo

I think Lady G is smart/self-protective enough NOT to cross the line.

SonOfSpam

Dunno, I think his call did cross the line, but I doubt he did much else. Like you said, self-preservation and whatnot. Would be interesting to see his jailhouse value in terms of cigarette packs.

King Hippo

He/she/it would also cooperate like a muthafucka to stay out of the pokey. Despite being able to meet so many eligible bachelors.

blaxabbath

Feel like he’s his own tangent. If the line is White House –> Going Hax0r on GA voting hardware, i don’t see where Lady G falls in.

But the fuck do I know? I don’t stare at FoxNews all day.

SonOfSpam

Which is why you can think critically and spell and make sweet love to a female.

Doktor Zymm

Feeling the need to share my current disgust with humanity. Sorry in advance for making this available for you to read. https://time.com/6303701/a-rape-in-mississippi/

SonOfSpam

Yeah this one is rough. Gonna need forget-it beer rather than celebration beer ronight.

scotchnaut

Can’t help thinking that your country is regressing to the 20’s and 30’s and 40’s and 50’s and 60’s and 70’s and 80’s and 90’s*

*of the 1800’s

WCS

Won’t be happy until we’re back to the 1690s and we can persecute witches again!

blaxabbath

Start with my ex!

Horatio Cornblower

I wouldn’t read that story, and it’s come across my timeline about a thousand times.

Fuck Mississippi.

SonOfSpam

Had no idea Robert Smith originally called his band Death Cure.

Horatio Cornblower

Death Cab for Cultists.

scotchnaut

Most Requested Song? “Love(Cats) Removal Machine”.

scotchnaut

News Item: David Krejci retires.

TSN Report: “DOES THIS MEAN THAT THE LEAFS RIVALRY WITH THE BRUINS IS DEAD?!

litre_cola

NO! THE FOURTH LINE WINGER HAS A HANGNAIL!

scotchnaut

Zeke goes from the hated Cowboys to the hated Pats-what’s next, The Monstars?

https://www.nfl.com/news/patriots-signing-ex-cowboys-rb-ezekiel-elliott-to-one-year-deal-worth-up-to-6-mi

Doktor Zymm

As a very unlikable person, I’m happy he’s sticking to teams I already dislike instead of dragging down my opinion of neutral or mildly ok teams (no team is better than mildly ok at this point)

ballsofsteelandfury

I have to disagree. I think you’re very likable.

Doktor Zymm

I realized that was unclear, but as a very lazy person I didn’t bother to go back and change it 😀

BeefReeferLives

& even if you tried to change it, WordPress would just tell you that you’re commenting too quickly & to slow down!

blaxabbath

Kraft gonna force him to shave / manually bring Kraft to climax.

Col. Duke LaCross

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/michael-oher-blind-side-touhy-adoption-lie-rcna99823

I’d like to see him win this lawsuit and then produce a movie about it. Hell, Sandra Bullock can inception her way in playing herself, who is playing her only Oscar winning role.

BeefReeferLives

Hmmm. So a white family living in the South made tons of money off of the labor of a black man while spinning a narrative that the relationship was mutually beneficial?

I just can’t believe that. Too far fetched…

WCS

The Blind Side is now mandatory reading in the Florida school system.

Doktor Zymm

Bryce Young is the same height as RG3’s wife!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How many Ben Shapiros is that?

WCS

Any number above negatives is too many.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No you’re thinking of the Ben Shapiro drought scale.

WCS

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Game Time Decision

or how many Russ’s tall is that? 2 or 3?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m trying to figure out what it would be like to be an intense fan of the Carolina Panthers. It seems like it’d be like having really strong opinions about, say, Gala apples vs. Honeycrisp apples. Nobody else is ever going to care even 1% as much about the subject as you would.

LemonJello

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blaxabbath

I figure they’re just like crypto bros. You’re in or you’re out — and if you’re out, you don’t get it.

Also the similarities in appetites for violence.

WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

I always think of Balls sobbing uncontrollably while reading the story about the Carolina cheerleaders getting caught having sex in a bathroom and when asked what’s wrong choking out “I’m just so happy” between sobs.

2Pack

Great rundown.

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blaxabbath

Well Cam was able to absorb monstrous beatings his first few seasons while….he learned (grew more?). Sure the Panthers can just do the same thing with Young.

LemonJello

Did they add Dr. Chao to the staff? And bought his version of the Super Soldier Serum?

Horatio Cornblower

Newton and Young are the same size, right? Right?

LemonJello

“They all look the same to me.”
-J. Richardson, Damnation Level 4