CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh dear…it’s so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin…I though “ROFL” was just an expression….

Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders.  We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers in our pockets, each of which are more powerful than all of the computers which took humanity to the Moon put together, and we use them to debate strangers about whether The Last Jedi was a good movie (hint: it was not).  We can travel 60 miles in just an hour on the highway and still be considered going too slow.

But some days, brothers and sisters, some days BLEERGH! reminds of the true meaning of now common words. He reminds us that “awesome” originally meant “to inspire fear and trembling” instead of “yeah, these tortilla chips are pretty dang good.”

The word “miracle” is now mostly used by As-Seen-On-TV marketing hacks and purveyors of the only condiment more disgusting than actual mayonnaise.

But today, He reminds us that “miracle” meant an event that cannot be explained by the laws of nature and so is held to be somehow supernatural. Today, we have all been lifted up from the darkness and depths of despair to be reborn in the light of wonder. For today, BLEERGH! has set before us a genuine Patriots Schadenfreude Day miracle.

For what else can we call the breaking news of Robert Kraft being ensnared in an Asian Massage Parlor Prostitution and Human Trafficking Bust but a miracle?  The tiny seedling of Hope that had been growing with the Eagles’ Superb Owl triumph and the rise of legitimate AFC contenders had been pissed on by the Neighborhood Dog of Woe.  The Forces of Darkness stood triumphant at the end of that bleak February Sunday.   For most of us, we assumed that it would be a Year Without a Patriots Schadenfreude Day.

But BLEERGH! heard our cries. He heard our lamentations.  And so He reached out, undid the slacks of Robert Kraft and led him by the willy unto temptation, so that we might laugh again.

It’s not perfect. Were BLEERGH! and the rest of the Commentarianist Pantheon kind and loving deities, we would have been treated to Kraft, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick [CENSORED BY EDITOR] with two donkeys, a car battery and six dozen Dunkin’ Donuts.

But it’s what we needed as a nation.  Bloviating “we do it the right way” schmucktacular billionaire Robert Kraft gets caught utilizing the “services” of a “massage” parlor like some common middle-age hangdog horndog.  And just for extra flavor, the man whose team won their first championship thanks to illegal videotaping of the other team gets brought low with what the police describe as “video evidence of Kraft involved in sex acts in a massage parlor on two occasions”.  C’est magnifique. 

So in the dark times to come, when the world seems a frigid wasteland devoid of justice, mercy or joy, remember this day. Remember the Patriots Schadenfreude Day that was never supposed to be, and be glad in your hearts, for miracles do happen.

Make no mistake, brothers and sisters: human trafficking is straight-up horrifying, and those who kept these women in virtual slavery deserve everything coming to them and more.  And customers like Robert Kraft are why this sort of crime happens- they make it a very lucrative business. There is nothing funny about the exploitation of the vulnerable.

But…

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

And as always, Foxborough delenda est