Go West, Young Chip

Wellllllll…. this should be interesting…

Charles E. “Chip” Kelly has accepted the position of head coach of the Santa Clara San Francisco 49ers. I mean, when your team president and noted thin-skinned dickbag Jed York couldn’t get along with noted successful sociopath and discount khaki enthusiast Jim Harbaugh, it’s a brilliant idea to bring in noted weirdo control freak, Chip Kelly. I mean, just look at this guy:

God, what a tool.

Personally, I can’t wait for endless TAEKS on how FASTFASTFASTFASTFASTFAST the Niners offense will be. CAN CHIP SAVE COLIN KAEPERNICK’S CAREER? WILL CHIP MANDATE ORGANIC KALE SMOOTHIES? We demand answers!

Terms of the deal haven’t been posted in their entirety, though the Niners will offset some of the $13 million the Iggles still owe Chip not to coach for them. Chip will not be replacing Trent Baalke as the de facto general manager, so our hopes of watching him trade away Carlos Hyde, Anquan Boldin, and Torrey Smith and three draft picks for Riley Cooper, Rex Burkhead, and a box of organic walnut clusters won’t come to fruition in the near future.

Get your yellow bats ready. This could be fun.

Tonight’s viewing lineup is pretty JV hoops-laden. #4 Sparty hosts #16 Iowa on TWWL at 19:00, and at 21:00 we have #20 Pitt (boo) at #21 Louis Ville. Also at 21:00 on TWWL2, the Fighting Mormons (quite literally!) are at #25 Gonzaga (how do those freaks stay so consistent? Ever been to Spokane? Ew.) On Fox Sports 1, as at 21:00 is Washington at #16 Arizona.
There’s also quite a few contests on the ice tonight. The Brooklyn Islanders are in MSG to play the Rangers, there’s an Original Six match-up with the Blackhawks in Montreal, and the league-leading Washington Crapitals (see what I did there?) host the Vancouver Canucks.

Lastly, the Republican candidates have their 54th debate on FOX Business (which apparently is an actual network?) at 21:00, if you’re a masochist and subscribe to far too many channels from your cable provider.

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blaxabbath

As a fan of the only non-waterfront NFC West team, I welcome this hiring. In his time with PHI, Chip had 2 wins over NFC West and, I don’t know if you’ve heard much about the current state of the division, but the defenses are brutal. Even when the 49ers sucked in their season under Harbaugh, their D still kept them in games. The 2015 49ers had a shitty offense, sure, but their D was decimated personnel-wise. I don’t think Chip’s offensive-minded scheme is going to fair very well against the Rams/Seahawks/Cardinals if it wasn’t successful against the 2015 DAL/WAS/NYG defenses.

Less the anomaly of the 2015 Cardinals, the West typically has less-than-high-octane offenses and very good defenses. Of course, if Chip can pull this out, few teams will be able to hang with him in a shoot out — but that’s what we all said when he went to PHI.

The smart move was to get Chip, who should inherit a QB that fits the prototypical ORE mold. The bad move was that the owner and GM of the 49ers are still a couple of fucking retards who aren’t going to get Shady McCoy or DeSean Jackson on the roster to execute the offense. And as for who’d want to be D coordinator in the Chip Kelly scheme, I have no idea.

But maybe I’m just being a naysaying hater….

Doktor Zymm

My condolences 49rs fans. I bought you a cookie platter to help ease the pain.
http://jaclynscookies.com/images/cookies/sympathy-flower_L.jpg

Don T

Over / Under 38
-average minutes per game (defense)
-“We’re on the same page” predraft stories
-“Baalke has a Chip on his shoulder” headlines
-mandatory affirmative inaction seminars

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Go West Young Chimp?

Chimp Kelly?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“I’d trade him.”

– Chip Kelly

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am sorry people; that is an insult to bald chimps everywhere. Sorry.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-gToGt-JZpZc/VYesm1V_mbI/AAAAAAADPfw/cKS7NsZyne8/s1600/chimp.JPG

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Is that the Browns’ new logo?

...

A Chimp named Kelly > Chip Kelly

Recovery Whiskey

Chip is a hilarious punchline without Phil Knight buying every advantage a college coach could have. That offense of his doesn’t quite work the same when every other team also has guys just as fast.

Can’t wait to see the latest York and Baalke coach run out there to get their butts handed to them by the rest of the division.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’m just throwing it out there:

#CHIPERNICK

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Nothing? Is this thing on?

Porky Prime

Sounds like a bread only grandpa eats.

Don T

I was saying Boo-erns

...

Fox Business Channel tells its views to do buy nothing but gold and Powerball tickets.

Porky Prime
Duchess

Hey Kaep will be even cheaper on the trade block now.

ballsofsteelandfury

$10 will get you Kaep, RG3, and a bomber of Stone Ruination IPA.

JerBear50

Hard to say which of those three will end up the most bitter.

Porky Prime

Or which will cause the most ruination.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The last two:

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOO!!

ballsofsteelandfury

Covalent has been noticeably absent. Can someone help me to check the hospitals in the IE?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sorry, got distracted for a minute.

entropy

Jed York has a face you could punch all day.

So does Chip Kelly.

I have never rooted for hantaSARS HIV-coated anthrax to spontaneously break out in a facility like I have for the offices of the Niners now.

...

Fortunately, you have two fists!

indieguy

In my personal experience two doms never work out together

Recovery Whiskey

Depends. Who’re you supposed to be, Topper Bottoms, stern yet sensual skipper of the USS Rough Service?