OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ! The Honorable, the Right Reverend Electric Mayhem. All persons having business before this poorly-written, barely coherent pseudo-tabloid-news-show internet column are admonished to draw near and give their attention, for the Chief Asshat is now sitting. God save the Commentariat and this Sport we love and revile. We have
Tag: CrimeBeat!
CrimeBeat!: Celebratory Edition
Alright kids- turns out I am doing this week's CrimeBeat!, because my Dad ended up defying expectations and not dying on the operating table. Go modern medicine! I am exhausted and jubilant and incredibly pissed off that clients don't seem to understand the term "family medical emergency" when they really need
CrimeBeat!: Lesser Sports Week
CrimeBeat!: Thirty Days Has Smarch
Oh god. The nightmares. The craving. The soul-crushing emptiness for those of us who do not Sully Ourselves with thoughts of Lesser Sports. The Bleakness walks among us, fellow pilgrims. It's another month until the draft. Another goddamned month. There is precious little relief in sight. Unless Will Fuller does the
CrimeBeat!: Rob Ford Memorial Edition
Ladies and gentlemen, sad news from the sporting world today as Toronto Councillo(u)r Rob Ford passed away at 46. We here at CrimeBeat! extend our best wishes to his family, his friends, and his dealers. Due to overwhelming sadness, and a complete goddamn lack of any newsworthy arrests, CrimeBeat! will
CrimeBeat!: Booooooooooorrred
CrimeBeat!: Meth-Smoking Clown Arrested at Waffle House
Welcome again, imaginary Internet friends! Ohhh men. MEN! The offseason blotter is finally heating up, and CrimeBeat! is here with as many of the sphincter-clenching reality-bombs about the men behind the game we love as I feel like typing about while avoiding work. Joseph Randle got arrested again, but it
CrimeBeat!: For Whom The Bell-End Tolls
CrimeBeat!: Seriously, What the S**t, Joseph Randle?
It's C-c-c-c-c-c-Combine Week, bitches! So far, no one has gotten arrested or been struck by divine enlightenment in Indy, but it's early, so *fingers crossed*. In more conventional bad behavior: Joseph Randle CHARGE: What, do I have all day for this? Ok, so he doesn't fit quite so comfortably into the "Current Player" category
CrimeBeat!: Who Took My Slippers!
It's our second edition of CrimeBeat!, the Local Ace Award Winning series. It's been a relatively quiet week in terms of bad behavior by current NFL players, which is somewhat shocking given that St. Valentine's Day is often a particularly troublesome night on the domestic front. Former NFL players are getting
DFO Crime Beat!: It’s Always Stompy In Philadelphia
Welcome to the emotionally-barren frigid wasteland that is the NFL Off-Season. While we will try to fill the void with obsessive draft coverage ("He's got tight hips! He'll never make it as a cornerback!"), dick jokes, methadone sports (hockey, AFL, based-ball) and intoxicants, we can't ignore the other hallowed off-season