Haht of Dahkness: My Jet Crashed Behind Enemy Lines

Pictured: Jets/Patriots rivalry

My name is Troll-So-Hard University, and I’m a fan of the New York Football Jets.  Well, I used to be a fan of the Jets, until I sat down and wrote my Top 5 moments in my history of being a Jets fan:

1. Halftime of the 1998 AFC Championship Game

2. Halftime of the 2009 AFC Championship Game

3.  End of 2009 AFC Divisional Playoff Game (Jets v. Patriots)

4. End of Super Bowl XLII

5. End of Super Bowl XLVI

This is a sad sad list.  If you’re counting, there’s only one game on that list that was actually a Jets victory, and there’s two games on that list that don’t even involve the Jets.  I’ve spent 28 of my 36 years of life in the New York Metro Area, but at this point, my football fandom has been reduced to (1) rooting for my fantasy players; and  (2) rooting for the Patriots to lose.

I hate the Patriots. I hate their stupid tri-corner hat wearing pedophile mascot.  I hate their loud mouth bandwagon fans who didn’t even give a shit about them until sometime between 1995 and 2001.  I hate their pretty boy, afraid of contact quarterback, and I hate, I hate, I FUCKING HATE their evil scum-sucking coach who left the Jets at the altar with nothing in their hands but their dicks and Al Groh.

They say that there’s no funnier comedian than the Universe, which is why a few months ago my wife was offered a job that she couldn’t turn down at a university just outside Boston:

 

On May 29th, the Rangers lost in Game 7 of the NHL Eastern Conference Finals (fuck you, hockey rules).  The very next morning, I packed a truck full of our belongings and headed straight to the heart of Red Sawx Nation.  It was without a a doubt, the worst 24 hours in my life as a sports fan.

giphy

 

Within one week of arriving, my car, which still had New York tags was greeted with this:

In case you can't see it, those scumbags keyed the shit out of my car.
In case you can’t see it, those scumbags keyed the shit out of my car.

I haven’t yet gone out on the town with my Yankees/Jets/Rangers gear, though I’m pretty sure that I might be subject to this type of behavior.

To be fair, if I wore an A-Rod jersey, I’d probably punch myself in the mouth.

A couple of weeks ago, I was wandering around aimlessly and found myself on Yawkey Way right around game time where I spotted this enterprising salesman:

IMG_2694

 

This nice man even offered to take my “fahkin pictyah” with his banner:

You see? We replaced the dahkie President with Tawmmy fahkin Brady!
You see? We replaced the dahkie President with Tawmmy fahkin Brady!

You might be thinking that the keying could be a coincidence and you might be right.  You might even think that the Fenway crowd might be an extreme example of sports jingoism.  You might be right about that.  But this is what I saw selling fairly well at Qunicy (quihn-ZEE) Market:

IMG_2721

 

This t-shirt is also well represented amongst locals:

Most of the times I’ve seen this shirt have been on people with small children.

 

So far, my impression of the cultural zeitgiest of Patriot nation right now is one of deep self-deception about their perceived victimization.  In that respect, they behave eerily similar to how Christians behave when they’re “oppressed for their beliefs.”  THEY JAHST CAN’T TAKE  HOW GOOD WE AHH. THEY JUST WAHNNA BRING AHS DOWN! THEYAH’S NO CAWNCRETE PROOOF THAT BRADY/PRIEST ACCUSED OF MOLESTATION DID ANYTHING! YOWAH JUST JEALOUS THAT GAWD LOVES AHS!”  Everyone I’ve talked to justifies Brady tampering with the balls as something that everyone else does, “so why the fack ahh they coming down so hahd on Tawmmy?”  Which is the equivalent of telling a judge that you shouldn’t be found guilty of a speeding ticket because the cop didn’t pull over the other guy who was also speeding.

As you might know, I’m an attorney by trade.  And as an attorney, I’m horrified by the NFL and Roger Goodell’s abuse of process with regard to Ballghazi. And I support the NFLPA, who really needs to start getting some wins so that they can properly protect their members from the huge risk of injury and bankruptcy that they face just by playing.  But, I’m still a Jets fan. And even though my expectations are so low that I hardly even root out loud for them, I still hope that they ban Brady for life.

I’ll be checking in here most weeks to report back on life as a Jets fan in Boston.  Until then, please pray that I am not murdered.

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trollsoharduniversity
Attorney, Funnyman, Dick-Joke Artist. One day I may refuse to save your life.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

I just found a Canadian pub in Paris that stays open late to air the NFL games live. The first Sunday of the season will air during the night before I fly home, so this sounds like a solution to both catch some opening weekend ball and adjust my time schedule a little. There will also be poutine.

VonTazeMeBro

So I’ve been MIA for awhile, and I missed the memo, what are you doing in Paris brah?

Old School Zero

Doing a bike trip in the Loire valley with the girlfriend, her parents, and my mom. Spending the days before and after the biking in Paris. It’s going to be a great time, and I’m going to eat so much goddamn food it’s ridiculous.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That sounds grea……….. parents?

Old School Zero

Yeah, before they all get too old to do such things. Kind of a last chance for that sort of thing for all of them.

scotchnaut

Try Steamwhistle, Creemore Springs or anything from Mill Street Brewery.

/assuming the place is somewhat authentic

Old School Zero

I’m going to write those down, on the off chance I do actually make it there.

jjfozz

“There will also be poutine”

Yes, but there will also be French people, and probably French Canadians. So, be a huge dick to them for me.

Sill Bimmons

My two favorite non-Steelers moments were SBs XLII and XLVI.

The worst was Pete Carroll shitting into his own mouth on 2nd-and-goal from the 2.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

limited for my team* I want an edit button. Mostly for the other stupid shit I say but it would help for this too

Senor Weaselo

I’m so, so sorry. Better you than me.

On an unrelated note, what have I missed over the last two weeks?

Sill Bimmons

Tensions are escalating along the Korean border.

Senor Weaselo

I meant here, but good to know that. And apparently China broke its stock market and everyone else’s as a result.

Sill Bimmons

The Foo Fighters punked the Westboro Baptist Church.

Old School Zero

Horatio got drunk on Sculpins and peed all over the WordPress servers one night and crashed everything on the internet ever, but for only about five minutes.

ballsofsteelandfury

More like two hours. It was a lot of pee.

Horatio Cornblower

It was a lot of Sculpin.

Sill Bimmons

Nightmare brah.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Breaking stereotypes

http://cdn.fansided.com/wp-content/blogs.dir/229/files/2014/01/pats1-590×786.jpg

Their fans aren’t all white. She is Russian and Hawiian.

Wakezilla

But would she go to the Patriots equivalence of football 101 that the Bucs are offering to their female fan?

blaxabbath

“You know what word best describes Todd Bowles?”

::Rolls up sleeve to display the n-word on his forearm::

::Spits::

“Hi. My name is Mark.”

-This has been [DFO] presents TSHU’s new neighbor introducing himself.

American Pie Story

If you ever see Reggie Wayne, tell him I said hi and to go fuck himself.

Brick Meathook

YEEHAWWW!!! I’M FUCKIN’ CRAZEEEEE!!!!!

http://i.imgur.com/1xvrdQM.jpg

WHADDAYA THINK, LURCH?

http://i.imgur.com/9DotB2f.jpg

HOW ‘BOUT YOU, FESTER?

http://i.imgur.com/uaRUeg7.jpg

OH WELL, FUCK OFF ALL OF YOU.

http://i.imgur.com/fM9Wok9.jpg

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Please God tell me your wife isn’t a professor.

WCS

MTWV is really 5chan. NICE TRY, 5CHAN.

SonOfSpam

Just try wearing your Jets gear in Southern California, and we’ll, uh, not really give a shit and let you go about your day.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

At least you haven’t met this guy yet

PENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENISPENIS

Yeah, that image isn’t gonna work. It’s a guy in a “Free 8ah1” shirt. Also, you probably already met 12 people with that shirt anyways

...

That incoherent stream of text is pretty much what a shitfaced Bostonian sounds like.

...

Update: String is now coherent, still can be used to describe Pats fans.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Your top 5 list of moments has a major omission

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/2994711/joe-namath-o.gif

...

Thousands of years from now, when DFOism is the most widely-held religious affiliation on Earth, this will be on our equivalent of the Sistine Chapel.

WCS

I survived two years in Philadelphia unscathed. Granted, I never once wore any Penguins attire outdoors…

Bloody Lethal

I’ll admit I’m a psycho and I go to Philly pretty much every year for the Giants Eagles matchup. I wear my colors proudly. Last year a 6 year old kid called me a pussy and his dad gave him a high five. I had to respect it.

WhyEaglesWhy

When I lived in LA, I went to Cowboys training camp in Oxnard with a McNabb jersey on. This was TO’s first season in Dallas. It was…fun?

God Speed,

I lived in the Commonwealth in Worcester from 2005-2009 (Go Crawss [is that how Holy Cross is Massholified?]) and as a Jets-Yankees and anti-Boston sports fan, 2007 was my nadir.

Super Bowl XLII was pretty nice to witness first hand while in MA.

Bloody Lethal

My 2 sisters went to Holy Cross and holy hell 2007 was a bad look for Worcester. They’d routinely see cars with NY plates keyed or tires slashed in relatively decent years. But good lord 2007…

WCS

I’ll be checking in here most weeks to report back on life as Jets fan in Boston. Until then, please pray that I am not murdered.

comment image

I can’t lie to you about your chances, but… you have my sympathies.

Lothar of the Hill People

So did you have to take the bah exam for Massachusetts? Or does your queeah New Yahk law license tranfah tah GREATRIOT NATION?

Covalent Blonde

I don’t see this ending well, but please have Mrs. University post the hospital name and room number so we know where to send the flowers. I will say, if you are aiming for suicide-by-Boston, sporting a Habs jersey should help.

Enrico Pallazzo

I might have added:

3. Rooting for Fireman Ed to die

entropy

I am also a Jets fan, and I made the mistake of wandering into Worcester about a decade back in Mets gear, which was enlightening (I’d been up driving all night and just wasn’t thinking about the t-shirt I had on… so fahckin sorry, you Masshole fucks). I generally avoid fights when I can.

I couldn’t avoid them in Worcester. I really tried, and nothing worked. Three fights in four hours and I had had enough, and got back in the car and left.

You’re going to have a rough go of it, my friend. I wish you the best of luck, however.

Old School Zero

Just wait until it turns out that everybody there hates Thin Mints and loves Tagalongs. That’ll cause some inner turmoil.

Cuntler

Please, please, please go to this:

Old School Zero

I’m sure we could pitch in at least, uh… Hey, Horatio! How much did you budget for lunch this week?

Cuntler

I know someone that could possibly pitch in $46.88.

Old School Zero

NOOOO THAT’S STADIUM MONEYS

Horatio Cornblower

/slides $50 out of locker.

Big Black Richard

I’ll throw in another $50 if there is video.

Lothar of the Hill People

What’s so bad about that? You couldn’t possibly be dis-bahhhhed!

Winnebago Warrior

Dude, I’ll pitch in $50 for your jail time if you pour a whole bottle of Allagash White on his fat head.

ThePirateSloth

You could always make the money to be bailed out by using the same computer services software that my sister uses to make $4,174 a week…

American Pie Story

DO IT FOR US
DO IT FOR APE

jjfozz

That Hammy video . . .my god we are fucking done as a species on this planet.

It was like watching a turd looking in the mirror at another turd.

King Hippo

Humanity. Is. Fucked.

One can’t say this often enough.

Horatio Cornblower

On the one hand it’s nice to see one of those vlogging assholes get popped.

On the other hand, fuck that idiot that did it, (assuming it wasn’t staged), that’s a felony over fucking laundry.

King Hippo

And oh, was the conservative Christian persecution analogy ever apt.

If ever a group of people ever need the lions brought back to teach them not to cry wolf…

SonOfSpam

Just leave an unattended backpack somewhere on the street. You’ll have the city to yourself for like three days.

#BostonStrongOnceWeCatchACoupleTeenagers

King Hippo

Goddamn that was good. Assam alego my brutha.

/know I spelled that wrong, too lazy to look it up

Lothar of the Hill People

You spell it:

السلام عليكم

Sill Bimmons

“As salaam alaikum” in Roman characters.

Cuntler

You guys are good at the bing IMO.

WhyEaglesWhy

The only way this could have been better would be if it were too soon.

jjfozz

the only redeeming thing about Patriots fans is that they make Ravens fans look slightly less demented when it comes to the “NFL hates us conspiracy”