Your Very Last Monday Nighter Open Thread

Cin @ Den: What to make of Denver? They’re the first team in a few years to not score any points at all in the second half of three straight games. They’ve lost their last two, they’ve beaten San Diego (like everyone else), they beat the P*ts in OT (did NE win the toss in that one?), and they lost 17-15 to the Bears. A devout Broncs fan “says” (meaning he mumbles through tears), It’s not a slow fade, honest!  Let’s math it up for a bit, shall we? If the Broncs win tonight the chances of a first-round bye rise to 72%, yet if they lose the odds of them missing the playoffs altogether increase to 23%. Isn’t football fandom fun in a severe chest-pain kind of way? But there is some good news… HERE COMES CINCY! [camera pans to a lone figure limping over the horizon, backlit by a setting sun] That illustration is, like, way metaphorical, right? QB Dalton and TE Ifart are out so the Bengals won’t be looking like a 3-loss team. My prediction is that each squad has the exact same game plan-pack the box and make the QB win it with his arm/smarts. This means the game is determined by which team has the better secondary/pass rush. Denver? Denver.

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Moonbatting Average

Sweet. My strategy of hiding in the dishwasher is working

King Hippo

back in with ye!!!!

makeitsnowondem

oh my goodness oh my damn

The Maestro

hey the boncos did a thing

makeitsnowondem

Demaryius Thomas inching toward that 66-point night.

Senor Weaselo

Mister Anderson…

ballsofsteelandfury

Buttholes: Unclenched.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Totally illogically, I would bet the opposite. Pucker factor increase.

WCS

Well, that’s unfortunate…

King Hippo

2 McManus kicks is the only way, hope, and light

King Hippo

OR THAT BY BELOVED CJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don T

AJ’s miffed at that drop of a precious, precious pass. Needs grit.

Duchess

Not saying I found why Otto Man disappeared but I am saying it is interesting that he disappeared on March 18th and he is a KC Chiefs fan. A man named Bill Otto announced he was running for Congress in Missouri and he has 2 sons.

http://billotto.org/about/

Moonbatting Average

I refuse to believe that Otto is a Cards Fan

Duchess

I think he is a Royals fan?

Don T

This story has legs! Not unlike CJ. Wooooo

makeitsnowondem

Little known rule that if a guy wasn’t drafted you’re not allowed to block him.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Even wearing a toque, Dalton looks like the ginger antichrist.

King Hippo

not a drop of daywalker in him

makeitsnowondem

THIS ANDY DALTON, I CALL HIM THE VAMPIRE BECAUSE HE SUCKS AT NIGHT

Shogun Marcus

Godamnit. Snow and Zero got me singing about George Washington.

Old School Zero

He’ll save children, but not the British children.

Senor Weaselo

Geooooorge Washington Briiiiiidge…

King Hippo

Brock has these brief bursts where he looks like a B+ NFL QB, and I’m like “yeah, sign him to a medium money extension.”

THEN HE HAS A CHANCE TO WIN THE GAME AND DOES FUCKING THAT

theeWeeBabySeamus

Offer to borrow Ryan Mallett still on table.

King Hippo

give him a bump and send him over!

Doktor Zymm

What up y’all? This game worth tuning in for the last quarter?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yes, you can feel the tension in all the Donks’ fans’ a-holes.

King Hippo

much like the plus-size ladies in Billy Bob’s malls, I won;t shit right for a week

Old School Zero

Oh, come now, if we’ve learned anything from the Dok, is not to stick our fingers into strangers buttholes too soon.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Words to live by, no doubt.

Don T

Another thing about ESPNDeportes: the women in the ads are better looking. Even the grandmas on the calling card commercials. ?

ballsofsteelandfury

This is true. And they dress… better.

Don T

Cleavage City man.

ballsofsteelandfury

No joke. And the legs. The legs, man!

King Hippo

Goddamnit Brock

makeitsnowondem

God it’s just infuriating

WCS

What do you cheesefucks think about Eagle Rare bourbon? I quite enjoy it.

Old School Zero

Send me a bottle and I’ll let you know.

makeitsnowondem

I bet Demaryius Thomas threw rocks at trains on Christmas.

ballsofsteelandfury

Somehow, this game has actually gone by pretty fast.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Not for Donks fans. They are at full pucker.

WCS

Karmic retribution for last night.

Horatio Cornblower

Motorhead doing R.A.M.O.N.E.S. There’s a whole lot of great dead rock ‘n roll going on here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyKlvVPpxo8

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“There’s a whole lot of great dead rock ‘n roll going on here.” was a bad choice for the official Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash memorial site.

Horatio Cornblower

Fuck Skynrd.

makeitsnowondem

facked ‘er grade

jjfozz

Do you think Tirico makes a small, deep cut on his forearm for every MNF broadcast he successfully completes?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it just me, or does Tirico sound more and more like Berman with each passing week?
And is that a racist statement?

makeitsnowondem

Sure, we’ll run a quarterback draw with the guy who has like an eight-foot stride.

Old School Zero

George Washington? 6 foot 20 made of radiation?

makeitsnowondem

opponents beware

Shogun Marcus

He’s coming he’s coming he’s coming, let me lay it on the line, he’s got four on the vine. That’s right two sets of testicles so divine?

Senor Weaselo

Factor grade?

litre_cola

He is just making shit up now.

JustStopDude

Lead singer for Queens of the Stone Age has a hot as fucking wife. Talented too..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE2051n3O-I

The ex was playing this chick while we were fucking around.

Horatio Cornblower

She’s gonna regret this video so much when she runs for head of the PTA.

Col. Duke LaCross

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE

http://youtu.be/TkDu6weKjyU

JustStopDude

The thing is most likely half dead. It would be the equivalent of you or I trying to walk around the top of Mount Everest.

Animals can function far beyond their normal pressure range. Also…I am certain some Japanese people have already fucked and then eaten it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How did Peyton get so big? He’s as huge as a mountain!

jjfozz

So what kind of HGH does Manning use? Secret software upgrade? Classified Chinese hardware? Wetworks?

blordinaryfagicmox
ballsofsteelandfury

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Horatio Cornblower

Aww jeez Ma, put ’em away!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Prime example of upping your stock by getting between two fugly chicks.

ballsofsteelandfury

She’s not stupid.

Spur

What did the fans chant?

Old School Zero

PEY
TON
CHEATS

makeitsnowondem

NON-COM-PETE I think

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

CUT THAT MEAT

There was a bris in the stands, to be fair.

theeWeeBabySeamus

This game would be way more fun if ESPN would take a page from CBS and show AJ McCarron’s Mom and GF every other play.

Good times.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Usually when a drive is this much of a disaster, Leonard Little is behind the wheel.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Swish!

Horatio Cornblower

We would also have accepted Josh Brent.

litre_cola

Donte Stallworth is acceptable as well.

makeitsnowondem

I wouldn’t let Hochuli file a general denial for me.

jjfozz

THIS OFFICIATING CREW, I CALL THEM FIRST TIME VISITORS TO DENVER, BECAUSE THEY’RE HIGH AS SHIT AND MISSING A LOT OF WHAT’S GOING ON AROUND THEM

theeWeeBabySeamus

That raises a question. So they got beer guys selling at games.
In Denver, do they got wee guys?
That would be very good.

theeWeeBabySeamus

*weed
But awesome typo.

Maybe I need a weed guy.

makeitsnowondem

Line judge is like “yeah, I’ll pretend to have seen that”

Senor Weaselo

BLEERGH CARES NOT WHEN THE FLAG IS CALLED.

hippofant

What the fuck is the 5-hour debate on a facemask call?

Senor Weaselo

Ice Giants: Still forgetting how to play defense.

WCS

PROTIP: Don’t eat that third serving of tikki masala. Your insides will revolt like 18th century French peasants.

blordinaryfagicmox

Since you’re already in trouble, might as well go for fourfths

WCS

Why stop there?
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bourb0nblues
ballsofsteelandfury

You didn’t need your ass anyway.

makeitsnowondem

But

but it’s tikka masala

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I’m bored so I am going to throw out stats now:

In 1961 George Blanda led the AFL in: Passing TDs, passing YPG, QB ratings, field goal made percentage, and extra points made/attempted (64/65)

That’s pretty much the ultimate Flex player, no?

WCS

First round pick in the Insanity League for sure.

ballsofsteelandfury

He would KILL in Sill ‘s Insanity League.

makeitsnowondem

If fantasy football had existed then, he’d have been drafted first overall and started every week at kicker.

Spur

If Buck and Aikman were calling this Super Bowl then I would watch it on ESPN Deportes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We should put together a special Super Bowl Soundtrack as an alternative to network commentary.

The Maestro

I’d probably watch in on ESPN Deportes anyway if we had the feed in Canada. Might watch a French-language feed instead if Simms and Nantz get too much to handle.

makeitsnowondem

Sounds great! I love deportes!

– Donald Trump

JustStopDude

Can someone please explain to me why fucking NFL is trying to put a team in London but not in fucking Mexico?

I am willing to be FAR more people watching ESPNDesportes coverage of the NFL than fucking ESPNBritishFancyLad coverage of the London games.

ballsofsteelandfury

$

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was trying to figure out how to say that without sounding racist.
Simplicity was the key. Well done.

JustStopDude

That’s a bullshit argument through and through. Mexico is the 14th largest economy in the world.

You telling me Jacksonville cracks the top 50?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, but pouring all the rich people into one stadium makes it easier for the kidnappers.

...

It’s a matter of who has the money. Most Mexicans can’t drop $100+ per ticket. It’s still a relatively poor country.

Senor Weaselo

Mexico City would be an intimidating place to play and would have more of the altitude of Denver.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Plus, air you can taste.

Don T

The feed us great! They put “Castigo” (punishment) in yellow when a flag is thrown. They know their Beergh.

You really want to see Azteca fans fight a coalition of Raiders and Eagles fans don’t you.

Col. Duke LaCross

Muy fuckin’ bien!

Could they find a more stereotypical sounding Hispanic?

ballsofsteelandfury

He is horrible.

ballsofsteelandfury

Why is the Mexican guy on?

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blordinaryfagicmox

Then I was like
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jjfozz

ESPN has taken many things I’ve loved, and turned them into rotten dogshit

Don T

I prefer BO to Subway Stink