As excited as I am for this weekend’s games, no matter how you slice and dice it, there’s going to be a nuclear-level amount of hot takes to be floating around the web come Monday morning. I can see them now already, and I’m dreading it:

• If the Panthers lose: “CAM NEWTON NEEDS TO BE HUMBLE AND SHOW TRUE LEADERSHIP. HE’LL NEVER TAKE THE TEAM TO THE NEXT STEP UNLESS HE STARTS FOCUSING ON WHAT TRULY MATTERS AND IGNORES ALL THIS DANCING AND SMILING NONSENSE”
• If the Cards lose: “THE CARDINALS NEED TO MAKE SOME BIG CHANGES BECAUSE IT’S CLEAR THAT THEY HAVE A QUARTERBACK WHO’S NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP. IT WAS TRUE WAS IN CINCY, IT WAS TRUE IN OAKLAND, AND IT’S TRUE NOW. HOW DARE HE NOT BE ABLE TO FINALLY WIN FOR LARRY FITZGERALD WHO’S BEEN A CLASS ACT IN HIS WHOLE CAREER”
• If the Broncos lose: “GOTTA LOVE SEEING THE PATRIOTS STICKING IT TO BOTH THE BRONCOS AND THE LEAGUE DURING THIS GAME; TOM BRADY IS JUST NOTHING BUT A WINNER AND YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HOW HE NEVER QUIT DURING THIS SEASON EVEN WHEN HIS BACK WAS AGAINST THE WALL. CLEAR TO SEE THAT BRADY WILL ALWAYS BE AHEAD OF MANNING IN THIS RIVALRY WHICH IS THE BEST WE HAVE EVER SEEN IN THE NFL”
• If the Pats lose (God forbid): “ROGER GOODELL IS PROBABLY SMILING TO HIMSELF KNOWING THAT TRUE INTEGRITY PREVAILED IN THIS MATCHUP. GOT TO LOVE WHEN PURE SPORTSMANSHIP WINS OUT FAIR AND SQUARE FOLKS. CLEAR TO SEE THAT MANNING WILL ALWAYS BE AHEAD OF BRADY IN THIS RIVALRY WHICH IS THE BEST WE HAVE EVER SEEN IN THE NFL”

And so on, and so forth. PK should just let me ghost-write his column for him, I could pound it off in 20 minutes (heh) for like 20% of what he’s pulling in from his own work on that fucking site. I have little integrity as is, so what’s the worst that could happen?

Anyhow, onto our weekly #content!

What’s the best instrument you can learn to impress someone of the opposite gender? I played a little bit of trombone way back in high school and liked the music part but not the whole trombone part of it all.

Well obviously if you’re some prick at a house party in high school or college and can play the guitar and cover Jack Johnson, John Mayer and/or Ed Sheeran songs or some equivalent shitassery, there’s always at least one girl hanging off of you. (I’m assuming as well you don’t look like Steve Buscemi in this scenario).

But as a musician and as a music teacher, I worry that my answer to this question might be different than the average person’s. I dunno. I think I’m obviously going to have to list the saxophone here, which again is rather biased of me, seeing that’s my primary instrument… but man. Clarence Clemons. Gerry Rafferty’s “Baker Street”. Dark Side of the Moon. The glory days of bebop. I can go on into more obscure stuff, but if you played your horn regularly at any of NYC’s jazz clubs between probably 1940 and 1980, you had some stories to tell. I started playing the sax solely because of the “cool” factor, and the fact that I was good at it was just an added bonus.

But I think the reality is that for both genders, I think the most impressive thing you can do with an instrument is to be a concert pianist. Picture it… Symphony orchestra is on stage, lights shining down, you walk out there all dapper in your tux/ballgown/etc… and then you start playing from memory an insanely long piece. Like if it’s a full concerto, it’s anywhere from 20-40 minutes. You’re in complete and total control of an instrument that’s four times your size, and you can do just about anything with it. Soft. Loud. Angry. Gentle. Smooth. Rough. The best performers I’ve ever seen are pretty well making sweet love to that thing up there, in a full-on public spectacle. Plus the best part is that the entire rest of the orchestra, conductor included, has to follow along you. When you are a concert pianist, you are, on a temporary basis, the ruler of the stage. And people enjoy powerful people.

Dudes like Chopin and Lizst were swimming in it when they were kicking around Europe as performers and composers back in the 19th century. It might be pretty fun, if you’re down to work your ass off to get to that level. And if so, you better get practising. Like, right now.

Also, as an aside: if you played low brass in high school – trombone, tuba, euphonium, baritone horn, etc. – I can assure you you were probably not getting any dates at all during that time, no matter how good a player you were. This is one of the golden rules of music classes that I have seen in my years of teaching. Sad but true.

Who is the best Simpsons character?

The correct answer to this question is very obviously Hank Scorpio. The only other argument I will hear is for Rainier Wolfcastle in his portrayal of McBain.

I will fistfight you if I have to. I have some strong opinions about this.

Is the old “you have to build your fantasy team from RB outwards” adage still true in this day and age?

Honestly, I have no fucking idea. I had a pretty shitty year, fantasy-wise – no playoffs in any of my leagues – and admittedly my rosters in two of those leagues weren’t stellar (one of those being make it snow’s Worst. League. Ever.). The only stud RB I had was Todd Gurley, in a league I was playing in with some college buds. He was awesome for me. One of the strongest points of my team. However, the guy who won that league won with a Frankenstein mix of Charcandrick West, Jonathan Stewart, and CJ Anderson. While all those guys had pretty great years, part of their success is due to good circumstances – Jamaal Charles going down, Montee Ball being cut and Ronnie Hillman being a turd, etc. – so I’m not sure I’d necessary classify them as “stud” RBs per se, in the same way I might Gurley, but depth obviously was key in his victory.

So I think studs definitely help, but also having guys who don’t get fucking hurt early on (fuck you Dez and fuck you Jimmy Graham) also really helps.

Also, fuck Cincy forever for splitting Jeremy Hill and Gio Bernard almost equally on carries. You fucking douchebags. My dumb ass ended up starting both of you at the same time in one league thanks to getting my ass handed to me previously by injuries. NEVER AGAIN.

Ok, time for email of the week.

Hey DFO – I have a big fucking problem on my hands.

So I met this girl, and we’ve really hit it off so far… good chemistry, good sexy times, good conversation, etc. I can see this going somewhere. Been a couple months now. So she invites me to dinner with her family because her sister’s back in town on work business just for the weekend. Ah, what the hell, no big deal, right? Well, as it turns out, I’m 99.9999% sure I hooked up with her sister after meeting her at a bar in town here like probably three years ago. 

Through some sheer miracle of some variety, her sister doesn’t seem to remember this incident at all – she acted as though we were meeting for the very first time when we met at dinner recently. But now I’m fucking terrified. How do I bring this shit up? “Hey, um, yeah I think I fucked your sister a while back but not completely sure though?” What if she knows and just doesn’t care? What if she forgot and then remembers and then gets totally pissed and tells her sister about this? What if she’s just holding this info as a blackmail/trump card thing later on? I’m really goddamn worried.

Well, my good fellow, these are the risks you take when you engage in amorous banter in an intimate late-night setting in a venue chock full of alcoholic refreshments. It’s a jungle out there.

But for real, this might be dangerous ground to tread, but if you really think you see this relationship heading somewhere, at some point you’re going to have to own up to the truth. And probably sooner rather than later.

If you’re worried about a potential negative reaction from either of the sisters concerned, you’re going to have to beat them to the punch in owning up to the fact. This may feel really fucking shitty and awkward but you’re doing yourself a service in trying to be honest and owning up to the fact before other facts can be discussed. Don’t mince words. At the appropriate juncture (whenever that may be) you need to state “hey, thanks for letting me meet your family; it made me realize something though, and it’s important that I tell you this, because you deserve to know.” And then roll from there.

There is a very real chance that this might blow up in your face, I’m sorry to report. But these are the risks when you start double-dipping in the family guacamole. I really hope that she feels the same way about that you feel about her and that you’re both willing to move past this… but hiding from that isn’t gonna make that easier to resolve. Don’t let her sister hold this knowledge over your relationship (if she does in fact know and was just pretending to be in the dark earlier about it).

That’s all for now. Cheers, all, and enjoy the games.

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For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football, your love life, or anything else going on, please send all inquiries to [email protected] or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).