So we’ve made it to the first major event of the 2016 NFL season, the first round of the draft is tonight! As we are reminded that coaches, general managers, and meddling owners are the real stars of this league, we will also use this event to be introduced to the latest class of well-dressed athletes who, in as soon as four years even, may be budding stars preparing to be training camp hold outs insisting on new contracts, early retirees, or simply journeymen professionals chasing their athletic dreams.
Remember about a month ago when the draft universe was upside-down? The top two picks, Tennessee and Cleveland, presumably pleased with their quarterback situations (because nothing says “nah, we’re good at QB” like having a top draft pick), were expected to kick off the draft with unsexy upgrades to their non-existent lines. Boltman and Ol’ Double-J would then get some screen time before perpetual top-five picker Jacksonville would bring aboard someone with high upside who won’t make it to the preseason without getting an injury that will land him on the season-ending IR. Also, the P*triot’s didn’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. But that didn’t matter because, with Tom Brady for 16 weeks, this team didn’t need a first round pick to get off to a hot start.
Well, now our draft universe is upside-down for other reasons. The Los Angeles Rams of Raider Nation announced that their “philosophy has always been to build through the draft” before sending six of their first seven picks over the next two years to Tennessee in exchange for the right to pick first tonight. Who will they take? Well, RAMIT insiders haven’t decided yet. Not to be outdone — by LA or their previous regime — the Philadelphia Eagles gave up eight picks to earn the right to draft whoever gets rejected by the guys who assembled a 2015 QB depth chart of Nick Foles, Case Keenum, and Sean Mannion. Laremy Tunsil, the projected top pick before Tennessee traded down, is set to lose at least $1.5 million on his rookie contract as a result of these trades. Also, the P*triot’s still don’t have a first round pick because they had tampered with game balls and got caught. Also, they lost Tom Brady for the first four weeks of the season, including their Sunday Night Football home opener where Chris and Al will have to talk about Brady being out because he’s a cheater even though they don’t want to talk about Brady’s history of cheating.
Now, for everyone who submitted on Pick Is In, tonight is also judgement day for you. That’s right, click below to open the official [DFO] Draft Challenge Prediction Board, turn on the television, and get ready to weep.
He looks like Morris Day on steroids
Tunsil just cost himself several millions of dollars.
Stanley’s wallpaper jacket is stylin’.
Tunsil’s pot mask does not seem to have been a good pre-draft decision.
no but it gave me a great Idea for my philly trip
He’s wearing biege, Flacco’s in like already.
That suit is greatness
Wow…Ravens. I’m not so ashamed to be a fan as I thought I’d be.
You should be in principle. All the time.
FWIW…I really expected Tunsil to be the pick for B’more. Which I figured would be the next Crimebeat within 2 years.
Can players go straight to the CFL from high school?
The whole “horrible knee injury in the Fucking Fiesta Bowl” thing just breaks my heart. The CFL, at least he’d be getting paid.
not in real money, but still…
yeah but they pay in Canadian dollars and the milk comes in plastic bags.
Suzy looks great
Is it the beer, or is the matron Saint looking hawt tonight?
Why does that Raven draft party look so depressing?
Seven Nation Army isn’t playing so nobody knows what to do.
Hehe. ESPN highlights an Earl Thomas helmet to helmet hit
Best take on twitter so far?
@bdarby 2m2 minutes ago
I’m watching on NFL Network. Did Berman say that Goff went to the University of Hotel California or nah?
Jalen Ramsey has long arms.
/if there’s only one thing I’ll take away from this draft, that is it.
If the jags don’t go at least 8-8 this year then wtf
Jacksonville: At least the fans get to leave.
Is there anyway for the Ravens pick to just be Ray Lewis pontificating incoherentlyf or 5 minutes?
Is there any way that won’t be what happens?
Not point a camera on him?
Here ya go Bears fans. Balmer will take Laremy or the ND tackle, and you get the other one.
nah. Browns trade down
Now am gonna start drinking.
This is the last time any of these players are going to be happy to be called up to have a meeting with Roger Goodell.
Jacksonville Jaguars, oh, good, huzzah I guess, ah yeah. When I can I become a free agent again, well shit.
Well this has been disappointingly tame so far. Somebody make a stupid trade or reach already!
That was a disturbingly good choice for Jacksonville. I’m perturbed by their sudden quasi-competence.
Well when you have an international mastermind criminal as your owner, you gotta get a few bounces your way.
Ditto. I am shocked they didn’t fuck it up.
Watch his ACL disintigrate in OTAs
It’s easy to forget how they ended up drafting fifth.
ESPN cameraman found the one Jaguars fan.
That’s…fucking remarkable hustle, actually
“I’ve got plans to demand your respect.”
-Aretha Frankiln
Ed Werder looks like Darkest Timeline Jeff Fisher
OK, this should be Ramsey and save me a tiny bit of contest dignity.
Dignity is a lie
It’s really cute how you’re relying on Jax to do the right thing.
How many beers do I need to drink to have Tunsil fall all the way to the Bears?
All of them?
On it.
Bears drafting an SEC tackle with injury history? Sounds familiar
http://cdn2-b.examiner.com/sites/default/files/styles/image_content_width/hash/b3/f2/1350424634_7176_Chris%20Williams.jpg?itok=uz0Tu52J
Jacksonville ends up picking a centerpiece from Manchester City’s under 21 team…you just watch guv’nor!
But is his mom a prostitute?
Who can’t cook?
His mom did LeBron James’ mom.
I am ewatching out for the first best fan meltdown of the draft. Keep your eyes peeled!
I am edrinking to
edrinking is still better than ecigarettes
put me down for $10 on “Jets fan”
Ezikiel Bosa to the Cowboys…Called It!
Ah yes, HOF wideout Miker Irvin
Zeke’s phone is going to go off the hook constantly with unsolicited coke snorting advice calls from Michael Irvin.
Yeah… “unsolicited…”
‘whatcha wanna do is put it on the strippers titties!’
But hes not wearing a Suit JJ. You cut people for less.
The only cutting he does these days is on his face.
Zeke better run for 2k+ yards this year.
I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.
Oh that’s fantastic.
Banner shortlist!
I’d rather have Ramsey. The offense with Romo is fine. The defense needs the most help.
I’m OK with this although I get where you’re coming from. But a really good RB and that line will give Romo much more options than he had last year.
/watches Romo break his ankle while golfing next week.
welp, fuck this season too!
Our draft contest is doing about as well as our NCAA Tournament Bracket challenge did.
whee R smart
Wow….Jerry all in I guess.
He kinda looks like Emmitt Smith….with a better hairline.
WOOT! Another RB for Dallas to run into the ground within 4 years! YEEEHAAAW!
“THE NEW EMMITT SMIFF! WE CAN’T LOSE!”
I love Cowboys fans (ironically, if that means “not really”)
HAHAHA!!! My wife is SO PISSED right now
NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We need Defense!
Yes, but you will score a shit tonne until someone breaks Romo.
This is the NFL draft we DESERVE.
You know it was the abs that made the decision for ol’ Double J.
His love of glory holes won out
As an Iggles fan, I do not approve of this pick.
Come on Jacksonville TRADE THAT PICK!!!!
That comment was accompanied by the music of “Ante Up” in my head.
What’s Reek doing in the Cowboys war room?
Cleaning Jerry’s glasses?
Where’s Warren Sapp, doesn’t he have wages needing garnishment?
Buying shoes