Depending on the team, today marks the opening of training camps for the 2016 season. Here are all teams’ official dates. that’s not dew on your windshield in the morning, that’s tears of joy from the football gods. But before we can benefit from their mercy at the end of this seemingly-forever off-season, we must see what wrath their return hath brought.
NFL News:
[In respect of a comment in Friday’s Open Thread, I will try to remember to underline the embedded links for colour-blind Commentists.]
- Against all odds, Josh Gordon has been reinstated and will just sit a 4-game suspension. He’ll probably be suspended again soon enough, as watching RGIII throw passes might force him back onto the weed for a coping mechanism.
- On the topic of the demon weed, there’s a video going around purportedly showing Aldon Smith rolling and smoking a blunt. Just a blunt? I expect more from a team that once employed JaMarcus Russell and Todd Christensen.
- Anthony Davis has applied for reinstatement from the retirement list, and looks forward to rejoining the 49ers. That statement alone should be enough to force him back into the concussion protocol.
- Junior Galette has apparently blown out his other Achilles tendon. All that remains now is the euthanization.
- The Seahawks have extended GM John Schneider through 2021. Michael Bennett and Kam Chancellor have a few words about that.
- Teams are afraid of signing Antonio Cromartie because of his hip issues, and that he may have to retire. He says he’s not going anywhere, and
has a battery of child support lawyersput out feelers to teams he thinks might need his help. - The League says they have no credible proof that Peyton Manning took HGH. Papa John thanks them for their support.
Finally, Big Daddy Drew has started his annual “Why Your Team Sucks” previews. Tennessee gets theirs first. They all promise to be delightful.
I do intend to go back to reviewing Peter King’s MMQB columns in my occasionally titled piece called the “Acela Excreta“, but just couldn’t get to it today. There’s just so much I can stomach. This week involved his training camp previews, and what he thinks each team’s big issue is. Surprisingly, it wasn’t “less fruit at the reporter’s buffet”. It’s here if you want it.
Tonight’s main sport is the start of the Democratic Convention. After the hellfire & brimstone apocalyptic rhetoric of last week, this week promises to be the moment where the rest of America looks at the Democrats and goes, “Hmm…maybe Trump isn’t so bad.”
[FYI – I first typed the word “apocalyptica”, before remembering they are a Finnish cello group that plays Metallica covers. Turning lemons into lemonade, here’s their version of “Enter Sandman”.]
Think I’m wrong? Bernie Sanders got booed by his own supporters when he said – to them, in person – that they should line up behind Hillary because Trump is, like, a million times worse. They told their pope to go stuff himself!
Stuff like that makes foreigners – even this knowledgeable Canadian – shake their head. Trump got all the Republicans to line up behind him like the Book of Revelations said they were supposed to. The Democrats, when they get together, seem intent on trying to prove to others why they actually are a bad choice, despite whatever demagogue is up against them.
I do enjoy how the Democrats turned the email release over the weekend into a delicious Cold War conspiracy of the Russians and Trump working together. This is stuff straight out of a third-world election from the 1980s, expect Ronald Reagan isn’t around anymore to send troops to invade Vermont. If anything else goes wrong, I look forward to the return of Our Man Flint.
Tonight’s actual sports:
- MLB: Tigers @ Red Sox – 7:00 – ESPN (National game)
- CFL: Montreal @ Toronto – 7:30 – ESPN2
- American Ninja Warrior – Indianapolis finals – 8:00 – NBC
I expect spirited debate in the comments. IS RATM PLAYING TONIGHT?
Magary’s piece on jellyfish is great.
Does urine neutralize the sting, or no? It’s a matter of contention in the comments.
I should send Junior Galette a Groupon for a free yoga class. Seriously dude, get some active stretching going on.
The bicycle thing is one of my most hated NFL traditions. Seriously fuck that stupid shit.
Counterpoint: It’s a lot safer than having the Cowboys barreling around in vans.
That is very worthwhile to spend your energy being angry at.
Bernie reminds me of Fidel Castro.
I believe Bernie is on record saying he admires Castro because of the whole revolution and socialism thing, which would have been the foundation of a very effective attack ad against him since most Americans do not admire Castro.
I’m aware it’s 02:57 EST, and I’m probably the only here, but, my two-month-old daughter just let out a good five-second fart, and I couldn’t be prouder.
That’s fantastic. Hope you love every minute of it, even the shitty parts.
Speaking of which I woke up with a fever and chills just now so GODDAMMIT. I can handle them being sick. When its me, or when it was my wife, hoooooo boy. Debating calling in sick because of i stay home I’ll just be the outbreak monkey all day.
Here is the strategy: Go to work, get everyone sick, then go home. Put up banner saying “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED”
Judging by his original comment, I’d say the shitty parts are his favorite.
Congratulations!
Mazel Tov!
http://67.media.tumblr.com/57f0678e629cf1a07873373df510578a/tumblr_oa8cvkVkno1rcg84do1_500.jpg
Another successful DFO get-together!
What did I miss?
ALL the tits and beer
YOU MISSED IT???!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!
http://66.media.tumblr.com/65c354c08b862246a300a4b6f26edcb2/tumblr_nknlvmbb4h1u7woiro1_400.gif
DOCTOR ZAIUS, I LOVE YOU!!!!!
These DFO get-togethers look like great fun!
“And here you can see yeah right, over on the far right, where he’s testing out his new knees!”
“And look, ballsofsteelandfury impresses all of the female of the species with his performance of the worm!”
Which is, sadly, very similar to my lovemaking technique.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/921797be0e79c16e3b9bcca57128decd/tumblr_o2pznbNvjw1qm3rsfo1_400.gif
http://thumbpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Funniest-Fail-GIFs-11.gif
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If we’re talking celebrity sightings, I once held Christy Canyon’s breasts in my hands.
/cool story bro
Winner
I once watched an episode of “Emergency” with Christy Canyon. There was no physical contact whatsoever except that she gave me a kiss on the cheek when she left. Very true story.
I’ve never met Christy Canyon and never thought to feel bad about it until now
http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m54to0KizL1qemxfbo1_1280.jpg
BIG JOE
http://cdn.niketalk.com/e/e4/200x200px-ZC-e4cd60fc_fence-jump-fail.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/aae082e7edfdf70227fd538dc5eb5272/tumblr_mq5hxkmZPN1qg9ioco10_250.gif
Even with real facial hair, she’d still be hot.
This is beautiful.
https://vine.co/v/iz6vaHI1m3p
gif version
http://67.media.tumblr.com/ade3fca11ce6623e8bd0a3c87e540add/tumblr_nrfpeg5mBX1ric2iqo1_1280.jpg
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You can’t see the headline, but it reads:
CLOWN WOWS THEM ALL, INKS $5BILLION DEAL
Good for Trump
Sarah Silverman bummed a cigarette from me once. True story.
My friend swears Janene Garofalo was giving him fuck-me eyes at one her shows while she was standing in the back pretending to laugh at Henry Rollins’s stand up routine.
I was behind Joey Porter in line at the DMV once.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/3c9ed7b880b77f12b3201d750afd28da/tumblr_n8w0ilsDh61ten7fyo3_r3_250.gif
http://i1198.photobucket.com/albums/aa455/Tonkin66/jonlovitz.jpg
I went to a computer store in Santa Monica to buy something and Jon Lovitz was next to me at the counter trying to get his MacBook fixed. True story.
Does Jon Lovitz have a gigantic noggin or what? I saw him at a restaurant and that was a gigantic melon!
Same thing with Tim Allen.
They all do. Small bodies and giant heads. They photograph better.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/be9a1da04bd61333c9f8ca63b3028a54/tumblr_nro4pzgHQY1sdmlmvo4_r1_250.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/19ebdbc68e69c2fbf8c4dcbf3bd3c98b/tumblr_mq4sbhpWbf1qc3i60o7_r1_250.gif
Keanu Reeves also once bummed a cigarette from me. Plus, I once stood in line at a Starbucks three patrons behind George Carlin.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gB-3DnaRo2s/UZ1VdIj88FI/AAAAAAAARH4/2JeNc_q-Caw/s1600/IMG_20110201_192335.jpg
In Vegas many years ago, I bought Dick Vitale a beer and talked ACC basketball with him for 10-15 minutes.
Believe it or not, in person he doesn’t make you want to murder him.
I don’t believe it.
I was surprised as well.
Still can’t listen to his schtick on TV regardless.
The same thing happened to me except it was Rebecca Lobo and it was at the airport.
When America was great, according to Trump supporters:
Unfortunately (or not, depending on your POV), they’re shooting American nuns and moderate Afghan Muslims.
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/obamaitsrainingmen.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/251c43532f61dd85790ce1d55ab036ae/tumblr_o9y7oaKfXQ1s1rwswo4_r1_250.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/4c59651bd7b3b0eb486077056ec76301/tumblr_nre3bwIn7w1uxticxo2_400.gif
Not no more it ain’t!
A thousand likesings.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/a082c5f1d54ac07a96c440b334066c89/tumblr_o8oypskn5W1qh59n0o1_540.png
Stupid frinkiac and its 4 second time limit on gifs
Carrie Fisher with her mother Debbie Reynolds (1973).
http://66.media.tumblr.com/b7100c9dad105e40cddd4c89007be4ac/tumblr_o7t2nlwG7L1rji15vo1_1280.png
History lesson.
Hey, so is Carrie just making a weird face or did she get a chin job between here and 77?
Probably both.
Looking at that it’s hard to believe that a few short years later she’d sport the honeybuns in stereo hairdo and become masturbation material for nerds everywhere.
Very Jan Brady, amirite?
Dear lord, I cannot stand listening to these Bernie or Bust dumb fucks talk. They cannot answer simple questions. But lets be honest these folks are delegates so right now they are acting like a mall security guard because they have a little bit of power.
They’re basically incapable of processing any criticism of Bernie. Even if you say you like what he stands for but that he made some bad tactical decisions in the primary, you’ll get either ignored, talked over, or eviscerated.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/eeaf318c1755bc86b9fa3cf3d41f6042/tumblr_o9ymywX9A81qz4u07o1_500.png
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http://standrewslamesa.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/blanket.jpg
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Does Michelle Obama remind anyone else of Sigourney Weaver? Ive had that thought in my head for eight years now.
Yep.
Question. So the whole Malena Trump using Michele Obamas words and the Trump assistant… who didn’t work for the Trump Presidential party but the Trump corporation. Will there be an investigation about campaign finance? There are numerous accusations that he has been breaking campaign finance laws by having his company foot bills and do stuff for his campaign.
Doesn’t matter, I demand another 17 investigations in Hillary killing Americans in #BENGHAZI
I have no problem with them looking into Benghazi… I just wish they cared that much about 9/11 as well.
https://twitter.com/macklemore/status/4085475013?lang=en
Benghazi? The villain from Road House?
Wait that was Ben Gazzara.
How much time would you like them to waste; it’s been how many investigations that have turned up nothing new?
Four-thousand, six-hundred and twelve.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/2776332/it-s-a-fact-o.gif
oh its a well kicked dead horse.
Oh I dont doubt it at all. One of those deals where Jerry rents the Jerrydome to himself, so he pays himself
https://twitter.com/joannarothkopf/status/757776365366026241?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw
First Lady Fight Club tournament. Is there any doubt the bracket ends Michelle v. Eleanor?
If Laura has a car, she’s gonna be dangerous.
I don’t know. Those Texas ladies don’t fuck around and I could easily see Lady Bird Johnson kicking ass into at least the semis.
This guy makes for a shit cult leader, his speeches are dull as fuck.