Your “THIS IS NOT A DRILL!-The Redux” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Although his powers of evil are completely capable of making it happen, not even RGshithead (that’s Roger Goodell) would cancel six games.  Right? (my glass is half full btw) So here we are-cheering for football itself, our fave teams and most importantly, NO INJURIES. This is who we are, folks. This is our wheelhouse, this is our equivalent of volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. This is where we do good work. I’m a bit leery yakking about teams in too much detail because we’ve got some awesomely jizztastic team previews in the pipeline but here she goes-

Was/Atl-OBJ-molester Josh Norman makes his dee-butt for the Redacted. A general sense of hopefulness is overshadowing the eventual reality of Daniel Snyder’s overwhelming doucheness taking this team down to 6-10. It really doesn’t matter what the perpetual do-nothing Falcons do in the pre-season. You may want to cast an eye towards CJ Goodwin, a wr that has converted to cb and is turning heads. That’s the NFL’s version of Cool Story Bro.

TB/Philly-Absolute nobody Cameron Bates has stolen the TE job from Austin (The Hyphen) Jenkins. [wanking motion] This may be the last time you get to enjoy the pedestrian work of rb Mike James. Philly-wise, highly-prized qb rookie (pun alert!) Carson Wontz go missing for the majority of the 2nd half.

N.O/N.E.-The twilight of Drew Brees’ career is upon us and if several tens of thousands of fantasy players get their way, CJ Spiller will be occupying the same fate. Qb-wise Garrett Grayson will get the majority of the work later on in the game. Pats-wise-I fucking hate the team and their fans and this will never change.

Car/Bal-Apparently the Panthers did some Wawesome (that’s Wow! and Awesome! combined) things last year. Perhaps they’ll continue in that vein if Kelvin Benjamin and Devin Funchess win the starting jobs at wr. I can’t remember which height/weight belongs to who but one is 6’4″, 225 and the other is 6’5″, 245. GOOD GOD! Baltimore, in their infinite wisdom, counters with Ryan Mallet.

Jax/Jets-It looks as though the Jags are on their way up-6th rd. rb Brandon Allen is trying to sneak on to the roster by bringing it in the 2nd half. Jalin Marshall, a draftee from Ohio State has lit it up at Jets camp. In Todd Bowles’ war room there is talk of implementing The Marshall Plan at wide receiver.

Den/Chi-Did you know that as anonymous commenters we share 98% of our DNA with Bronc qb Simian? (I spelled it wrong intentionally!) Chicago speaking, Brian Hoyer’s tendency to “not give a shit” is up 74.3% while under the tutelage of Jay Cutler.

 

LET’S GET AT IT, FOLKS-THIS IS WHERE YOU SHINE!

 

/sorry about the lateness..

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
367 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Horatio Cornblower

You guys, you guys, a black woman just won a gold medal for the US in swimming!!! Al Campanis lied to us!!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Campanis

Beerguyrob

And that’s why Magic now owns the Dodgers.

Doktor Zymm

Hey, remember when a black female gymnast won the all around gold, and they kept running stories about some white chick from Ohio who didn’t qualify for the individual competition? NBC. Yup.

Horatio Cornblower

Greetings my ni…ckleback fans.

Actually that may be more offensive.

My oldest spawn is in Foxboro tonight, occupying a suite that his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend’s father gave them before tomorrow, when they each go to colleges some 1,500 miles apart. There’s a metaphor there for what I hope happens to the Patriots this year.

Senor Weaselo

Just say glip-glops.

Spur

Debbie Phelps had sex with Poseidon.

litre_cola

Or a dolphin as they do it for pleasure as well. Any dolphins in Bmore?

packman_jon
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pics or it didn’t happen

Horatio Cornblower

Like you didn’t.

Spur

This Phelps guy is pretty good at swimming.

Spur

Did that Brazilian dude just drink the pool water?

litre_cola

My missus just asked that as well.

Beerguyrob

Probably cleaner than the taps outside.

Spur

So Star Wars: Rogue One trailer this hour or next?

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Take off, Hoser.

Spur

Cheater or not, Effimova is pretty hot

Beerguyrob
ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

Gratliff

Fucking catches, how do they work

theeWeeBabySeamus

Never not funny.

Gratliff

Carson Wentz gets blown up by an unblocked defender. Yay preseason pain.

Spur

Lochte is looking like he wants to be a youtuber

theeWeeBabySeamus

Even the ratbirds who will get cut suck and can’t get more than a TD lead.
/forgot how much the preseason sucks
//drinks heavily

Spur

comment image

Gratliff

Is Vice Principals worth the time?

Spur

I thought the first two episodes were weak but it picked up steam since then.

King Hippo

it’s gonzo fun, as long as you don’t expect transcendence.

Don T

Holy shit yes!

Gratliff

comment image

ArmedandHammered

Have you been watching Mob Psycho 100? This time it’s a middle school kid with a huge psychic power.

Gratliff

Been holding off. I only had to wait for one episode to premiere when I did One Punch Man.

aceg

One Punch Man writing wise is just pure awesome. Can’t count the number of times I’ve cracked up at random dialogue moments.

Redshirt

Alright, I’m done for the night. My backup, Maroonvest, will be coming in to get some playing time.

Doktor Zymm

comment image?b64lines=V2l0aCBteQogbWlnaHR5IHJvYm90IHBvd2VycywgSQogY2FuIGdldCBzaWNrIG9mIHRoaW5ncwogbXVjaCBxdWlja2VyIHRoYW4geW91CiBodW1hbnMu

This is basically how I feel ALL THE TIME

Spur

Gronk looks high as fuck.

Spur

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Redshirt

Ah, the original content of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Where Megazord talks, Green Ranger dies and the main villain is Satan.

Senor Weaselo

Is there a gangsta crizzab?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4Du7TpVCzI

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
aceg

Where’s my Deny Green, “Hoyer is who we thought he was,” meme??

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Still in the moratorium period

Gratliff

comment image

packman_jon

(tries hiding boner)

– Aaron Rodgers

Redshirt

Okay, you have Goodell and Belichick in the room with you, and you hold a gun with one bullet. What do you do?

packman_jon

Leave the room and sell the gun for quick cash

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Belichicken is an asshole, but he is a good coach and other people should just beat him if they want to be better. Goodell dies.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It would probably be more satisfying to pistol-whip Goodell to death, so I guess I’d use the bullet on Belichick.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, do they know I only have one bullet? Cause it would be fun to make Goodell beg for his life for a bit after I put down Bill.

ThursdaySkyGoddess
Senor Weaselo

Geometry?

Doktor Zymm

What calibur? You could probably go through both if you tied em together right. Or I might just make em kiss and sell the pictures.

herodotus450
packman_jon

Sad!
I also love how I have a better phone than Trump (Note 4)

herodotus450

Pre-season football is like watching porn when you want to have sex, except it’s a softcore porn and after 10 minutes of non-nudity you give up and go to bed.

Redshirt

Actually for me, pre-season football is like watching porn when you want to have sex, but you get lost in the plot and start watching just to see how it ends.

Senor Weaselo

Spoilers: They all fuck.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Crow looks fucking good in a suit.

Spur

Donald Glover is up for the role of young Lando. I approve.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ld1aSoN71qbw3a4o4_250.gif

indieguy

I want him to make another album

Senor Weaselo

#DonaldForSpiderLando

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wentz feels bad for the Bucs, gives the ball right back.

Spur

Wentz the wrong direction

litre_cola

That interception was very Marmalard-like for Wentz.

Gratliff

Wentz with a goal line pick. Time is a flat circle.

Gratliff

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nice job by Tampa Bay erasing a fumble recovery with a personal foul against the quarterback.

Redshirt

Meanwhile, the Red Rifle is in midseason form.

https://twitter.com/pauldehnerjr/status/763778370534567938/video/1

Gratliff

Crowd is cheering Wentz like he’s moments away from winning the super bowl. This is going to end in catastrophe.

litre_cola

You would think the Ginger Hammer would tell the IOC that preseason football is the days that the OLys should take off.

Doktor Zymm

NFL preseason : Fewer horrific injuries than Olympic cycling!

Spur

Hey guys! Do we miss the Dreamboat yet?

Kungjitsu

I don’t think Josh McDaniels is allowed to speak directly to Belichick.

aceg

He’s allowed to grumble softly, but that’s it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“This is not a drill.”

– Wes Welker, holding a hammer

Gratliff

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Eagles broadcaster just said Carson Wentz reminds him of Marmalard

packman_jon

HUH WHAT

litre_cola

Dear God no.

Redshirt

World’s Worst Hostage Negotiator: “Don’t jump! Its not that bad! You still have Bradford!”