Although his powers of evil are completely capable of making it happen, not even RGshithead (that’s Roger Goodell) would cancel six games. Right? (my glass is half full btw) So here we are-cheering for football itself, our fave teams and most importantly, NO INJURIES. This is who we are, folks. This is our wheelhouse, this is our equivalent of volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. This is where we do good work. I’m a bit leery yakking about teams in too much detail because we’ve got some awesomely jizztastic team previews in the pipeline but here she goes-
Was/Atl-OBJ-molester Josh Norman makes his dee-butt for the Redacted. A general sense of hopefulness is overshadowing the eventual reality of Daniel Snyder’s overwhelming doucheness taking this team down to 6-10. It really doesn’t matter what the perpetual do-nothing Falcons do in the pre-season. You may want to cast an eye towards CJ Goodwin, a wr that has converted to cb and is turning heads. That’s the NFL’s version of Cool Story Bro.
TB/Philly-Absolute nobody Cameron Bates has stolen the TE job from Austin (The Hyphen) Jenkins. [wanking motion] This may be the last time you get to enjoy the pedestrian work of rb Mike James. Philly-wise, highly-prized qb rookie (pun alert!) Carson Wontz go missing for the majority of the 2nd half.
N.O/N.E.-The twilight of Drew Brees’ career is upon us and if several tens of thousands of fantasy players get their way, CJ Spiller will be occupying the same fate. Qb-wise Garrett Grayson will get the majority of the work later on in the game. Pats-wise-I fucking hate the team and their fans and this will never change.
Car/Bal-Apparently the Panthers did some Wawesome (that’s Wow! and Awesome! combined) things last year. Perhaps they’ll continue in that vein if Kelvin Benjamin and Devin Funchess win the starting jobs at wr. I can’t remember which height/weight belongs to who but one is 6’4″, 225 and the other is 6’5″, 245. GOOD GOD! Baltimore, in their infinite wisdom, counters with Ryan Mallet.
Jax/Jets-It looks as though the Jags are on their way up-6th rd. rb Brandon Allen is trying to sneak on to the roster by bringing it in the 2nd half. Jalin Marshall, a draftee from Ohio State has lit it up at Jets camp. In Todd Bowles’ war room there is talk of implementing The Marshall Plan at wide receiver.
Den/Chi-Did you know that as anonymous commenters we share 98% of our DNA with Bronc qb Simian? (I spelled it wrong intentionally!) Chicago speaking, Brian Hoyer’s tendency to “not give a shit” is up 74.3% while under the tutelage of Jay Cutler.
LET’S GET AT IT, FOLKS-THIS IS WHERE YOU SHINE!
/sorry about the lateness..
You guys, you guys, a black woman just won a gold medal for the US in swimming!!! Al Campanis lied to us!!!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Campanis
And that’s why Magic now owns the Dodgers.
Hey, remember when a black female gymnast won the all around gold, and they kept running stories about some white chick from Ohio who didn’t qualify for the individual competition? NBC. Yup.
Greetings my ni…ckleback fans.
Actually that may be more offensive.
My oldest spawn is in Foxboro tonight, occupying a suite that his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend’s father gave them before tomorrow, when they each go to colleges some 1,500 miles apart. There’s a metaphor there for what I hope happens to the Patriots this year.
Just say glip-glops.
Debbie Phelps had sex with Poseidon.
Or a dolphin as they do it for pleasure as well. Any dolphins in Bmore?
http://i.imgur.com/SWnPFHD.gif
Pics or it didn’t happen
Like you didn’t.
This Phelps guy is pretty good at swimming.
Did that Brazilian dude just drink the pool water?
My missus just asked that as well.
Probably cleaner than the taps outside.
So Star Wars: Rogue One trailer this hour or next?
http://67.media.tumblr.com/784cdfe7cd5d18340bc09f9ea6969584/tumblr_nfzacavCs11qcba1qo1_500.jpg
(Where are you Sill?)
Take off, Hoser.
Cheater or not, Effimova is pretty hot
They all turn into this, though.
http://www.profintern.com/uploads/images/pictures/000/000/045/original/kind_russians.jpg
Fucking catches, how do they work
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lz7ekg3HCU1r8kfm2o1_500.gif
Never not funny.
http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view7/20150721/5232033/strangebrew4-o.gif
Carson Wentz gets blown up by an unblocked defender. Yay preseason pain.
Lochte is looking like he wants to be a youtuber
http://66.media.tumblr.com/eccab594629d7eab80a35c8bb80f10e4/tumblr_nzj96aOcwg1qfu1puo1_500.gif
Even the ratbirds who will get cut suck and can’t get more than a TD lead.
/forgot how much the preseason sucks
//drinks heavily
Is Vice Principals worth the time?
I thought the first two episodes were weak but it picked up steam since then.
it’s gonzo fun, as long as you don’t expect transcendence.
Holy shit yes!
Have you been watching Mob Psycho 100? This time it’s a middle school kid with a huge psychic power.
Been holding off. I only had to wait for one episode to premiere when I did One Punch Man.
One Punch Man writing wise is just pure awesome. Can’t count the number of times I’ve cracked up at random dialogue moments.
Alright, I’m done for the night. My backup, Maroonvest, will be coming in to get some playing time.
?b64lines=V2l0aCBteQogbWlnaHR5IHJvYm90IHBvd2VycywgSQogY2FuIGdldCBzaWNrIG9mIHRoaW5ncwogbXVjaCBxdWlja2VyIHRoYW4geW91CiBodW1hbnMu
This is basically how I feel ALL THE TIME
http://65.media.tumblr.com/fd986b1dcd9d455c20150891519619cc/tumblr_nx0aqqlVzj1rwl09fo1_540.png
Gronk looks high as fuck.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcubzyHbNF1rhi0rbo1_500.jpg
Ah, the original content of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Where Megazord talks, Green Ranger dies and the main villain is Satan.
Is there a gangsta crizzab?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4Du7TpVCzI
http://67.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsr8eqwEtD1r3p3mvo1_500.png
http://66.media.tumblr.com/8ba3af8ff8ea64699451d7defb5f0c64/tumblr_nwzj0z83uH1uksasoo1_500.jpg
Where’s my Deny Green, “Hoyer is who we thought he was,” meme??
Still in the moratorium period
http://static4.worldofwonder.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/giphy_1.gif
http://66.media.tumblr.com/e943cf3fb44f16784d6e774f54662699/tumblr_oa4ziwiv9M1scjjrno4_250.gif
(tries hiding boner)
– Aaron Rodgers
Okay, you have Goodell and Belichick in the room with you, and you hold a gun with one bullet. What do you do?
Leave the room and sell the gun for quick cash
Belichicken is an asshole, but he is a good coach and other people should just beat him if they want to be better. Goodell dies.
It would probably be more satisfying to pistol-whip Goodell to death, so I guess I’d use the bullet on Belichick.
Wait, do they know I only have one bullet? Cause it would be fun to make Goodell beg for his life for a bit after I put down Bill.
http://oi53.tinypic.com/rw48y1.jpg
Geometry?
What calibur? You could probably go through both if you tied em together right. Or I might just make em kiss and sell the pictures.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/3b13cb09693182125f596c3724ec7b14/tumblr_o0kgjlxylR1qiaxzfo2_250.gif
http://varianceexplained.org/r/trump-tweets/
Sad!
I also love how I have a better phone than Trump (Note 4)
Bears gonna bear…
http://www.adfg.alaska.gov/static/species/livingwithwildlife/bears/images/bear_in_garbage.jpg
http://67.media.tumblr.com/3bf7e4c125e8cb2240da5a86b77ee6ef/tumblr_nh7keryZIp1r479vio1_500.jpg
http://www.daisyowl.com/comic_images/200.gif
I’m done. Love you guys, see you again tomorrow.
http://67.media.tumblr.com/486df74af8f1be2936336dc7e6a8bfae/tumblr_nwh9fabn8B1trbkjqo1_400.gif
Pre-season football is like watching porn when you want to have sex, except it’s a softcore porn and after 10 minutes of non-nudity you give up and go to bed.
Actually for me, pre-season football is like watching porn when you want to have sex, but you get lost in the plot and start watching just to see how it ends.
Spoilers: They all fuck.
http://65.media.tumblr.com/30b99e87af8021fd448d18b6ff091f15/tumblr_o3jln4ThgA1qg9d3ko1_1280.png
Crow looks fucking good in a suit.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/ba6fd4eab2383d58741754ab8b68af1c/tumblr_nxz9uhmn2r1qbh4w8o2_400.gif
Donald Glover is up for the role of young Lando. I approve.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8ld1aSoN71qbw3a4o4_250.gif
I want him to make another album
#DonaldForSpiderLando
Wentz feels bad for the Bucs, gives the ball right back.
Wentz the wrong direction
That interception was very Marmalard-like for Wentz.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/186ed88e2e4fa01f1d202adb7d5d3ee4/tumblr_o0v74bcgWv1qbxd6qo1_1280.jpg
Wentz with a goal line pick. Time is a flat circle.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/aa28e55c8e99194448f6e9311d0d689f/tumblr_nuj3c6tBfR1ramnmyo1_r1_500.gif
Nice job by Tampa Bay erasing a fumble recovery with a personal foul against the quarterback.
Meanwhile, the Red Rifle is in midseason form.
https://twitter.com/pauldehnerjr/status/763778370534567938/video/1
Crowd is cheering Wentz like he’s moments away from winning the super bowl. This is going to end in catastrophe.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/a6ca9f0c3b7e8f2d6a77f9aca155612b/tumblr_mktom677G31qdawfoo1_500.png
You would think the Ginger Hammer would tell the IOC that preseason football is the days that the OLys should take off.
NFL preseason : Fewer horrific injuries than Olympic cycling!
Hey guys! Do we miss the Dreamboat yet?
I don’t think Josh McDaniels is allowed to speak directly to Belichick.
He’s allowed to grumble softly, but that’s it.
“This is not a drill.”
– Wes Welker, holding a hammer
Someone on the Pats just broke their forearm.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Eagles broadcaster just said Carson Wentz reminds him of Marmalard
HUH WHAT
Dear God no.
World’s Worst Hostage Negotiator: “Don’t jump! Its not that bad! You still have Bradford!”