A Completely Neutral, Thorough Preview of the AFC Championship Game

WCS: Well, strangely enough, the Steelers are in the AFC Championship Game. Again. Oh, and it’s against the Patriots. Again. This after being 4-5 at one point in November. They’ve since run off nine-straight wins, won the AFC North, and got through their first two playoff games. Mike Tomlin and Antonio Brown have caught some weird heat, the former for saying that the Patriots are “assholes,” the latter for posting it on Facebook. That said, who really refutes that? What do you think, baby?

LIL’ WCS:

(is a baby, coos and drinks from bottle)

WCS: I suppose that’s a fair point. New England was clearly the best team in the league all season, even with Dreamboat suspended for the first four games. Once again, Brady and Belichick demonstrated why they’re going to be one of the greatest combos in sports history. They’ve got a terrific ground game behind Dion Lewis, and a quietly excellent defense. Plus, this game is in Foxboro. Not a good combination of things. Thoughts?

LIL’ WCS: (is a baby, dozes off while drinking from bottle)

WCS: Yeah, totally. At least the Steelers are healthy, and Le’Veon Bell has simply been brilliant in his first two playoff games. I mean, he ran set a franchise record with 167 yards rushing against Miami in the Wild Card round, and then he upped that with 170 against Kansas City, last week. Antonio Brown has continued to be a god among men thus far. The offensive line is plowing ahead, and the defense is not just playing well, they’re creating the “splash plays” Mike Tomlin covets so much. Any thoughts, Kosmo?

KOSMO: (is a cat, stares into the distance)

WCS: That’s a great point. While I give the Steelers a 35-40% chance of pulling the upset, special teams could really be the difference. The Patriots ran back a punt and a kickoff return for touchdowns against the Steelers in both of their previous AFC Championship Game wins, in 2001 and ’04. Fun fact, I personally attended both of those games, before any of you were born. That said, Steelers kicker Chris Boswell has been incredible since they signed him off the scrap heap back in Week 4 of the 2015 season. Hell, he single-handily won the playoff game against the Chefs. What do you think, Puffin?

PUFFIN: (is another cat, throws up hairball on living room carpet, three inches from kitchen hardwood)

WCS: Fair enough. I appreciate your candor, especially in regards to the potential weakness in the Steelers secondary, that Brady could exploit. Wait a second.. do you hear that? Sounds like a sports car, and it’s getting VERY close…

(wall crashes open)

((CAMARO door flies open))

BOSS TODD: ALL RIGHT YOU LIMP-DICKED, FAGGOTS, GATHER ROUND AND LISTEN THE PISS UP. BOSS TODD IS HERE TO LEARN YOU SOME MOTHERHUMPING TRUTH. THIS SUNDAY, WE’RE GONNA UTTERLY CURBSTOMP THOSE SHITDICKS FROM NEW ENGLAND. BOSS TODD HERE HAS DESIGNED SUCH A PERFECTLY AMAZING, TOTALLY IMPERVIOUS OFFENSIVE SCHEME THAT EVEN RAPEY MCGRAYDICK COULDN’T FUCK THIS UP, EVEN IF HE FOUND IT IN A BATHROOM STALL IN A SOME SHITHOLE BAR IN GEORGIA.

THROUGH A CAREFULLY PLANNED AND CONSTRUCTED METHOD OF SUBSISTING ON MARLBORO REDS, OLD CROW, AND HARDEES (CARL’S JR. FOR YOUR JIZZSTAINS ON THE FUCK COAST) WHILE LIVING IN THE BACKSEAT OF BOSS TODD’S BITCHIN’ CAMARO,  THERE’S NO WAY THOSE DOUCHEBOXES FROM DICKBORO CAN OVERCOME MY GREATNESS. WE’RE GONNA RUN SMO’KEY BELL ALL OVER THEIR DICKHOLES, BOOKFACE BROWN IS GUARANTEED TO CATCH 250 PASSES FOR 8400 YARDS AND 36 TOUCHDOWNS (HE BETTER, OR I’LL HAVE HIS ASS THROWN INTO ONE OF THOSE HORRIFICALLY DISGUSTING RIVERS BACK IN SHITTSBURGH), AND EVEN BROKEN-BRAINED LADUMBARCS GREEN CAN STILL DO SOMETHING POSITIVE WHILE INVOLUNTARILY PISSING HIS PANTS ON THE SIDELINES. IF HE CAN’T PLAY DUE TO HIS DUMBFUCK BRAIN NOT WORKING, I’LL FORCE-FEED SLAPDICK JESSE JAMES AN ENTIRE FOOTBALL. THROUGH HIS ASS. THAT MORON FROM PENN STATE WOULD PROBABLY ENJOY IT.

NOW, BOSS TODD DOESN’T KNOW JUST HOW BADLY THE OTHER FUCKHEADS THAT DON’T PLAY OFFENSE ON THIS TEAM ARE GONNA DO. TRUST ME, KEITH BUTLER CAN’T GET THIS SHORT-ASS WANG OUT OF HIS PANTS TO PISS WITHOUT LEAKING ON HIS LEG. THAT GUY IS DUMBER THAN LANDRY JONES, AND THAT’S REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. SERIOUSLY, HE WIPES STANDING UP WHEN HE TAKES A CRAP.

SO, AFTER THIS SHITASS DEFENSE GIVES 50 OR 60 TOUCHDOWNS TO BRADY AND FUCKNUT BELICHEAT, BOSS TODD’S GOT A PLAN TO COUNTER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. THIS WILL BE MINE AND THE CAMARO’S MAGNUM OPUS. THIS IS MY APPETITE FOR DESTRUCTION, COCKFUCKS.

NOT ONLY ARE MY STEELERS GOING TO KICK THE SHITATRIOTS INTO NEPTUNE’S ORBIT, WE’RE GONNA BURN THE ENTIRE STATE OF MASSHOLE TO THE GROUND. SHERMAN’S MARCH TO THE SEA WILL LOOK LIKE A BITCH COMPARED TO WHAT WE’RE GONNA FUCKING DO THOSE CHEESEDICKS. WATCH AND TREMBLE BENEATH BOSS TODD’S GREATNESS, COCKSHITS. BOSS TODD, OUT.

(CAMARO DOOR FLIES CLOSED)

((CAMARO TEARS OFF FOUR DOUGHNUTS ON WCS‘ LAWN AND PEALS OFF INTO DISTANCE))

KOSMO and PUFFIN: (have run for cover long ago)

LIL’ WCS: (cries in terror and confusion)

WCS: