WTF Time Is It World Cup Open Thread

It is 2:30 AM Pacific as this post goes up. Yes,  I’m awake.  Hawthorn and Adelaide are about to have the First Bounce and in about 30 minutes,  France will face Australia in their World Cup debuts.

There will be three more games back to back to back.

Also this:

What can we expect? Here are some thoughts:

3:00 AM Pacific

FRANCE v AUSTRALIA

Balls: I, as you know, have a great love for all things Australian. I love their football,  I love their meat pies and I loved their beautiful women with their sexy accents.

It is with great regret that I will wake up super early and,  most likely,  watch the French beat the crap out of them.  I hope it doesn’t get ugly,  but it might.  Maybe at least Tim Cahill can score a goal?

Prédiction: La France Deux (2), L’Australie Un (1)

Wakezilla: I was in Melbourne, Australia for the Y2K New Years Eve Celebration. I was 17 and celebrated at a house party hosted by my Uncle’s younger brother, who was 19 at the time. I can confirm Balls’ assertion that Australian women are beautiful and have sexy accents. As an added bonus, many of them happen to find Canadian accents sexy, too! The theme of the party was “the end of the world” so we all hyped it up that Y2K was going to kill us all. It worked for me because I ended up making out with an inebriated 20 year old blonde Aussie. I never saw her after that, probably because my uncle’s brother made fun of her for committing statutory rape. So, I’ll be pulling for the Socceroos.

Prédiction: This is a weak Australian squad and les Frogs are a juggernaut ready to go on a long run in this tournament. The Socceroos are going to feel bleu when they lose 3-0.

Don T: This game is at 6 AM over here. So I slept on the couch and will have at least one eye open by kickoff.

Meh; better be honest. I stayed up all night watching this over and over:

France seems crazy stackt. They are the favorites to win the group and Australia is the World Cup’s perennial mascot. World futbol’s Leapin’ Lanny Poffo, if you will.

Via chinlock.com

Predicción: Frogs 2 : 0 Roos – four yellow cards

 

6:00 AM Pacific

ARGENTINA v ICELAND 

Balls: Iceland proved in the last Euro that they are no slouches.  It will be a difficult game for Argentina as the Icelandic defense will be tough to penetrate. Like many of Barcelona’s games,  it will probably take some Messi genius to solve the puzzle and give the win to the Sudamericanos.

Ron Howard voice: He didn’t.

Predicción: Argentina 1 Islandia 1. Yeah,  I said it.

Wakezila: Argentina is a team that many have picked to win the group, yet I’m not even sure they’ll make it to the round of 16. Their one saving grace is Messi. As we saw yesterday, having a generational player with the determination to carry his team to at least a draw is possible. Honestly, all I care about is Messi breaking Maradona’s goal total at the World Cup because Maradona is a scumbag and it’ll piss off lots of Argentinians who never accepted Messi. To do that, Messi will need to score 4 goals this tournament.

Iceland is an intriguing team because now that they are no longer the best kept secret in Europe, teams are better prepared to face them. They won’t be catching teams off guard this time. It’ll be interesting to see how they handle being a favorite on such a large stage.

Predicción: I see Messi or Aguero scoring early and then the Strákarnir okkar scoring late, resulting in an entertaining 1-1 draw.

Don T: Argentina’s warmup friendlies for Russia included two late cancellations against Nicaragua and Israel, after both governments started to murder their own civilians. More overtly, I mean.

Aside from those controversies, there are squad concerns. With Sergio Romero injured, Argentina’s goalie post is still contested between two players with almost no experience for country: Willy Caballero, 36, second string for Man City and Chelsea; and, Franco Armani, star for River Plate. I think it’ll be Willy for this one, and one mistake-free game will make him the definite starter (accurate reenactment):

I know it’s a repeat, but look at Higuaín! The cigar is a bit much, but his form is captured perfectly.

Iceland has been on the fútbol radar for several years now. It’s a remarkable story, with a scary logo. Iceland perfected the ways of the lovable eyesore teams: take advantage of throw-ins and free kicks, field a solid defense, and kick it far AF hoping that a forward scoops it up. And nobody expects them to win, so they will be relaxed to do their thing. Which adds up to

??? 0 – 0 ALERT ???

There’s a lot of pressure fos Argentina and the Messi – Ronaldo debate shifted dramatically yesterday. (Not Annoying Fact: This is a  Jordan – Lebron feud between contemporaries.) And the rest of the group, Croatia and Nigeria, is tough. Messi is expected to be harassed. So Big Shot club players Sergio Agüero and Pipita Higuaín should shine for country. Yet,

Via giphy.com

Predicción: Argentina 2 : 1 Iceland. I think we’ll see Armani in this World Cup.

9:00 AM Pacific

PERU v DENMARK

Balls: Peru is one of my favourite teams in terms of likability.  The story of how their captain was able to fight FIFA and win to get to play inspires me to go to a Peruvian restaurant and order some cocaine tea.

I’m hoping this results in a wonderful Saturday and a good result for the Peruvians.

Predicción: A nice and happy 1-1 tie.

Wakezilla: You know, I have actually tried cocaine tea before and I must admit, it was pretty bland. Little did I know I would have tested positive for cocaine had I taken a drug test. Weird! Speaking of drugs, I must have been on something when I predicted Peru was going to the quarterfinals in my Peru preview.

Peru’s defense is going to have their hands full guarding Denmark’s significantly taller forwards. If they can do that, they should get the win.

Predicción:Being inspired by their captain returning from suspension, I’ll say Peru wins 2-1.

Don T: I’ve watched Denmark in World Cups and Euros. They’re unremarkably competent, the lettuce in a salad.

Perú, however, is ?HAWT?. They had one of the worst starts in the qualifiers (4 points out of seven games). Then Perú got something sweeter than a lucky break:   doing NOTHING and benefitting from a technicality.

In South American qualifiers, Bolivia fielded a banned player for games against Chile and Perú. Chile filed a claim, won, and both teams were awarded 3 points. However, since Perú lost to Bolivia and Chile had tied, Perú got the net additional point that ended up eliminating Chile. And that’s how Perú got to a World Cup for the first time in 36 years. Give it up for bureaucracy.

More importantly, Perú started winning:  Right now, there’s a fever. A guy gained 60 pounds “so that he could apply for one of the special [easy-access extra-width] seats that are much easier to get”. Over 40,000 Peruvians have flown to Russia. There are no Perú shirts left on stores. Lok at these clean, lovely kits:

Via  umbro dot com

None left in FIFA stores, mind you. I’m gonna guess Russians are still proud contrabandists.

Predicción: Perú 1 : 0 Denmark. Perú’s got Team of Destiny stank.

 

12:00 Pacific

CROATIA v NIGERIA

Balls: I may need the cocaine tea if I’m gonna make it to Game 4. The Nigerian team has the most popular jersey in this World Cup and,  judging by the number of stickers we have in the Panini album at work,  the most popular stickers.

I do think Croatia is a very strong team and Nigeria is Africa-strong. That’s not raycess, just a commentary on the level of competition.

Prediction: Croatia wins 2-1.

Wakezilla: No matter how bad things get for them, Nigeria is going to look great in their beautiful green jerseys. That’s a win in itself, right?

Meanwhile, Croatia is a surprisingly stacked team. This is it for Croatia’s Golden generation. They should be able to build on their Euro 2016 success.

Proricanje: Croatia wins 2-1.

Don T: There’s always some “prove it” teams in every World Cup. Croatia’s got buzz, but finished second to Iceland in the European qualifiers. Nigeria is a frequent World Cup entrant with promise, but never goes beyond group play. They seem to play Argentina a lot, too. So I’m gonna withhold judgment on both teams and let their play determine my attitude. That’s an honest approach. Better yet, it requires zero legwork.

Predicción: Croatia 1 : 1 Nigeria. I think this group will be tough.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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clint greasewood

NFL needs to hire Jorge Perez Navarro. This hombre is good.

JustStopDude

comment image

clint greasewood

I love how the South American national anthems sound like Disney songs.

King Hippo

ok, runts of the litter. Let’s do a thing! Drinking MexiCoke in weird solidarity.

Spur

Fuck Mexico.

bk109

Exhibit A)comment image

Spur

HDNET will sometimes show Sigur Ros at the Met. i highly recommend it.

Wakezilla

My comment about Maradona has pissed off the Lesser Footy gods. That’s why Messi missed the penalty.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Things I learned in the news: never tell Kellen Winslow Jr. you or a family member have an AARP card.

Spur

bacon or sausage? dont have enough clean pans for both.

King Hippo

cook a pan of bacon, then sausage in the bacon grease. You’ll thank me later

theeWeeBabySeamus

Always the right answer.

Then update your will in preparation for the impending “coronary incident”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

King Hippo

Name a better way to drop ded YOU CAN’T!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Where do fat folks go when they die?
They don’t go to heaven where they serve french fries.
They go to a place where nothing is fried.
See them again in the buffet linnnnnne.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkTioHgfLVs

theeWeeBabySeamus

??????
comment image

Spur

too hungry to wait for the sausage. i kept the grease for tomorrow.

Senor Weaselo

“And butter your bacon!” -Homer Simpson

Spur
scotchnaut

“Wrecked In Reykjavik-The story of Iceland’s historic 1-1 victory over Argentina.”

scotchnaut

Given their history, it makes sense that the Argentinians would go easy on folks that have SS on their uniforms.

King Hippo

Damn it, too soon for another banner…

scotchnaut

Like the petty person I am, I’m content with having more likes.

edit: took me forever to make that joke work

clint greasewood

Who gets more death threats the referee or the manager of Argentina?

Horatio Cornblower

Yes

bk109

Messi, because for a God-King o’ Futból he sure as fuck isn’t helping the Albiceleste when it matters. Also ‘olla folks!

King Hippo

HUZZAH!! As an English, did you get PTSD watching the men of Ice?

bk109

Mate, I’m a naturalized Irish so unless a bout of manic glee at watchin’ things get Messi counts as PTSD…

Spur

He ain’t no Ronaldo

JustStopDude

comment image

King Hippo

well, FIRST cousins…

herodotus450

Who knew Iceland an Alabama had so much in common

ArmedandHammered

At least in Iceland, they are not using the family backgrounds as a Match.com.

King Hippo

second ain’t kin
stick it on in!

Horatio Cornblower

Pretty sure that’s on the West Virginia capitol building

clint greasewood

Right next to the 10 commandments.

Horatio Cornblower

Rekjavik; moar liek Shelbyville if you ask me.

Horatio Cornblower

Well this explains why Iceland is so happy about a result widely described as like kissing your sister.

bk109
Spur

Sweet, popped my banner cherry.

litre_cola

Congrats. Took me a Bortles/abortion joke.

King Hippo

I made fun of a cripple!

scotchnaut

It’s okay-it’s not like they can feel.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll take ‘Things Ted Nugent Has Said In An Adoption Agency” for $800, Alex.

scotchnaut

That’s why it’s so sticky in here.

Horatio Cornblower

/Licking fingers

Wait, WHAT!?

Senor Weaselo

Wait really? I could’ve sworn you’d gotten the banner before!

Spur

if i do, i don’t remember.

Wakezilla

If that’s true, why didn’t you bleed, hmmm?

scotchnaut

Savey McSaversson with a nice one.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s Savey McSaverssongodmansdottitrson” to you, Sir.

clint greasewood

Aron Jóhannsson chose the the US Soccer team over Island because he believed island would not make the World Cup in his life time. That was a sound decision.

King Hippo

FINALLY bringing Higuain on, like 10 minutes too late

Horatio Cornblower

Just like the decision to deploy the Exocet missiles

King Hippo

DFO. You’ll laugh, and you’ll LEARN by God.

Horatio Cornblower

Whether you like it or not.

Spur

Lamb skin does not protect against the Viking Clap

litre_cola

If you are on twitter @rvkgrapevine was phenomenal in the Euros and is great right now.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a foul.

litre_cola

The media in Argentina will take this well right?

Horatio Cornblower

On the bright side, this will give them a different island to be pissed off about.

clint greasewood

Imagine being a kid growing up in Bueno Aries right now dreaming of the day that you could get a World Cup game winning dive.

King Hippo

THIS. Start booking these cockwallets.

Horatio Cornblower

If it weren’t for that genius “Hand of Cod” comment earlier, you sir, would have a banner nomination.

It’s like you’re the Messi to his Ronaldo

Spur

Number 8 for Iceland looks like an Elf from Lord of the Rings. in this scenario Messi is Bill the Donkey.

herodotus450

Poor Bill, I cry ever tim.

Horatio Cornblower

Bill lives in the books, if that makes you feel any better.

herodotus450

Huh, could’ve sworn he gots eaten by the monster in the lake by the door.

herodotus450

Upon furthre review, he lives, but was a pony the whole time.

Spur

Strider gave him a map and pep talk

Horatio Cornblower

“Mesi couldn’t get over the wall”

Isn’t that why his parents put him on HGH?

litre_cola

He was separated from his family making Argentina Great Again. Build a wall around Uruguay

Horatio Cornblower

Better make it a steel wall; Suarez will just chew through anything else.

scotchnaut

The Ice Wall is holding so far…

Horatio Cornblower

Argentina needs an undead dragon.

herodotus450

“Mr. Magnus Mag Magnusson, tear down this wall!”

Horatio Cornblower

I’m surprised Argentina couldn’t find the goal through Bodega.

Usually you can find anything in a bodega.

Wakezilla

Still shocked Lionel made a Messi out of that penalty kick

herodotus450

So it’s three points for a win, but each team gets one point for a draw? In this tournament we obey the laws of THERMODYNAMICS!

King Hippo

Now, you clap-infested sister fuckers, it means nothing unless you finish the job!!

Horatio Cornblower

Things besides Iceland that frustrate Argentina:

Democracy

International Courts

Inflation

Human Rights

Horatio Cornblower

Ah, shit. I also forgot the Falklands.

scotchnaut

It’s like one of the teams has ice water in their veins.

herodotus450

Or is water, as I learned earlier.

litre_cola

Excellent work.

Horatio Cornblower

The Vikings have apparently decided that Messi is harmless, and they can go ahead and beat the fuck out of him.

It’s a bold strategy, let’s see how it pays off.

ADN Voice: It paid off.

Spur

he’s a hairy fraud

Horatio Cornblower

Hairy Fraud and The World Cup He Isn’t Winning

herodotus450

“Cancel the sponsorship deal. And have the Rolling Stones killed.”
-Lionel Trains CEO after watching that PK

King Hippo

And to answer el question – Ronaldo by a furlong

scotchnaut

Like rain on your wedding day, Messi failed to clean up.

Horatio Cornblower

I did not expect to see that.

Spur

The hand of cod!

King Hippo

someone smarter than Hippo banner this Texan

Horatio Cornblower

Seconded

King Hippo

oh, that delicious

litre_cola

HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK

litre_cola

There it is.

King Hippo

oh you dumb cocksucker

Spur

be nice to the Iceland players this is only their 3rd time seeing grass.

Spur

All the Mormons watching this game are going to have to great names for their 7th kid Kristjan, Guðmundur, Kristofer etc.

herodotus450

Why is Iceland abbreviated ISL? This is the biggest travesty since Morocco was abbreviated MAR!

litre_cola

In their language is Island, I am sure I am missing an accent or umlaut or dragon.

herodotus450

Pretty on the nose if you ask me.

King Hippo

the only word simpler in they language than ours

Horatio Cornblower

I like how you can see where Don T’s cocaine tea kicked in during the Peru preview.

Spur

Maradona just had a big old line of coke

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah. “a”

King Hippo

One would think Russia has a beak concession stand quite handy.

litre_cola

Clint greasewood has every result right so far. Wow.

King Hippo

I’m not sure…I have even one? Except France. Even a retarded cocker spaniel would pick France to win.

litre_cola

You have 2. Rocking Dog is not so Rocking with 0, unless he forgot to put the tip in.

clint greasewood

Don’t worry I got France winning the the whole thing and they look pretty shaky at the moment.

herodotus450

smh it’s not fair I didn’t pick any games to draw because im not a limp dick commie nazi god bless