The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. While the NFL season is over until THE SHIELD cranks up the bullshit generator in a few months, we can still talk fantasy football questions as well as fantasy and reality outside of football.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email [email protected]. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

‘Sup.

Lady BFC and I went and took a vacation, and I was relaxed for all of like ten minutes before United Airlines and work idiocy fucked it up. Oh well, at least I didn’t lose an arm (and millions of dollars) in the process. I did fuck up my back, though, so I’ve got that going for me. At least the US National Team won the World Cup in soccer, that should shut up some assholes.

Anyhoodles, to the inbox!

Dear Mouth FO:
This is a multi-parter.
Let’s say you’re on Tinder and this fiiiiine woman links her profile to Instagram pics. In almost half of the IG pics, she’s with some same guy with a dad-bod, hugging even.

A. Totally married, right?

B. But she’s on Tinder, so that’s irrelevant. Right?

C. Who has the more stressful job:
1. An ICE official with scruples; or
2. 2019 Bears kicker

Thanks.
[Name withheld by request], Puerto Rico

Well, [NON-OFFENSIVE REDACTED], let’s take these in reverse order, not unlike how the Bears handle special teams personnel.

The pressure for Cody Parkey’s suck-cessor is incredibly high. Coach Nagy stopped just short of actual torture for the 478 kickers they invited to camp, and despite clear evidence to the contrary, every angina patient in the Midwest thinks they could regularly kick 40 yard field goals no problem. So yeah, the next iteration of Carlos Huerta/Kevin Butler/Paul Edinger is going to be under a metric fuckton of pressure.

On the flip side, ICE agents…

ICE director Thomas Homan noted that the bags of flour are roughly the same size and weight of a real baby that they will be ripping from their mother’s arms when the no-tolerance crackdown on immigrants in the U.S. begins Sunday. https://t.co/9RpPvWhDzf

— The Onion (@TheOnion) July 12, 2019

Can’t say I believe there are any with scruples at this point. If you haven’t quit in protest/disgust/decency yet, then, as the kids say, you’re trash. So yeah, I feel more for the twenty-something getting anxiety attacks every time he’s seven yards back of something than the asshole dropping racial slurs while celebrating the dehumanization of a fellow person. I’m not burying this link, you should all straight up click on and read this one:

‘Guats,’ ‘Tonks’ and ‘Subhuman Shit’: The Shocking Texts of a Border Patrol Agent

This one too:

What a Pediatrician Saw Inside a Border Patrol Warehouse

It’s only part and parcel of a broader approach to ICE that has moved far from border security into heartless targeting of an “other.” So fuck those guys and their exuberant dedication to a mission that has gone far beyond its intended purpose. They make David Spade and Michael McKean in Coneheads look like fucking humanitarians. They’re not feeling stress, but they should be feeling shame.

This was a multiparter, right? On the tinstagram front,  [NON-OFFENSIVE REDACTED] and I had a little back and forth while I asked follow up questions, mainly trying to suss out if this was a brother or GBF or cousin or something, but our letterwriter was pretty adamant these were romantical photos with a dadbod-having dude.

So, mi amigo, I think you already hit the nail on the head that she’s on tinder, so it’s fair game. She could be fucking other people, maybe in an open marriage, maybe she has a stable of fuckbuddies, maybe it’s something new and cool I don’t even know about.

Here’s what I know–what’s important is what YOU want. Do you want something casual (totally understandable and often recommended in your situation)? If so, go on a date, see if you have chemistry, check your radar for a boil the bunny alert, and then decide whether or not to proceed. Do you want something serious? Then STAY THE FUCK AWAY. But don’t let her Instagram dictate if you go on a first date or not. You don’t have to fuck her just because you take her to dinner.  If you find her attractive and are looking for something casual on those island nights without electricity, give it a go. Just don’t let her know where you live right away.

NEXT!

Every once in a blue baboon, while scavenging the interwebs for good advice column nuggets to share with you good(ish) people, I stumble across something that hits a chord with me. This column from Ask Amy busted out a whole fucking harpsichord–

DEAR AMY: I’m a 50-year-old woman, living in Canada. I’ve been with my common-law partner for over 11 years now. He is a nice guy, but he never shows his real feelings toward me.

For over 11 years he has always told me that he could leave me easily, and at any moment. At first I thought he was just joking but NO — he is really serious.

It doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest — talking to me this way.

Amy, I don’t want to waste any more of my time with him, knowing that he would leave me anyway. I don’t mind being alone (but happy), rather than confused and sad all the time.

I need peace of mind. What is your advice?

–Spent

I know what you’re all thinking–“big deal, BFC, we already know you’re a 50-something Canadian woman.” But shockingly, that’s not what this one is all aboot. When I was younger, I dated a young woman that was more into me than I was into her. It’s a long, not-exciting story and had more to do with her eagerness to find “the one” and my hang-ups about an ex than anything wrong with either of us, but the short version is that one night we were lying in bed and she turned to me and said, “you know BFC, I think you know how strongly I feel about you. But sometimes I feel like if I weren’t in your life, it wouldn’t change one bit and you’d be ok.” And I sat there and thought to myself, “wow, she’s right.” And because I’m not a total douchefuck like Spent’s common-law twatnozzle, I didn’t TELL HER THAT nor did I stay with her for 11 years. I thought on it for a week or two and then broke up with her.

That (not-so-long) story is my way of saying why the FUCK would you stay with someone who not only does NOT reciprocate your feelings but readily and openly celebrates the fact that they don’t care that much for you. This isn’t the movie Heat (which doesn’t hold up, btw) and even if it was, even De Niro had fucking feelings and wasn’t a cockwallet like Spent’s dude. So get the fuck out of there, don’t be surprised when he comes crawling back, and if he doesn’t, you know fo’ sho’ that you dodged a giant bullet.

Let’s turn now to Dan Savage’s wild kingdom:

I’m a straight female from the West Coast. My boyfriend has let his beard and mustache grow really long. He has shaved twice in our year-long relationship and I love his face, which I can’t see anymore.

When we first started dating I mentioned I was not into the beard and he shaved it. He also shaved it when he met my mom and dad. The problem is in addition to his beard not being visually appealing I can no longer kiss him because the mustache is so long. It really sucks as when we are having sex I don’t feel intimate without kissing. That and he doesn’t go down on me anymore since the beard “gets in the way.” I don’t understand his attachment to the beard because he keeps nice and tidy down there.

I think it may be a fashion thing because he’s a hipster but it makes him look much older and he always gets food in at when we are eating. I’ve told him I don’t like it and he said, “How would you feel if someone told you they didn’t like a part of your body?” He is a wonderful man, very caring, and supportive and I do love him but I’m frustrated then he won’t shave for me. What should I do?

Scraggly Hairs Aren’t Very Enticing

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

Have you considered bringing a Guy Called Gerald into the picture to supplement your sexual activity with your oral-inhibiting hipster douche boyfriend?

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Let’s not get too deep into that can of worms again. Suffice it to say that, as a bearded man with enthusiasm for the golden rule (and beyond) when it comes to this particular activity, I think it is more than fair for SHAVE to ask her bf to trim his moustache (and use beard butter and trim the beard and whatever else) or to take a long walk off of a short pier. If you are prioritizing looking like you belong in a haberdashery in Brooklyn over kissing/pleasing your partner, then you’re a selfish piece of shit.

Why don’t we close out with a doozy of a pickle of a shitstorm, fully in image form since the reddit thread has had the original post taken down (though comments are still intact):

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

I know what you’re thinking–this is too much to do for love. How can ANYONE be expected to put up with this level of distorting reality, just to keep other people happy? I’m here to tell you that everything will work out, all you have to do is BELIEVE and true love will conquer all.  My best to Timothy and the whole family. Gotta run, Coach Lynn said there’s a puppet show I can go to with some really special women if I make it on-time to team meetings.

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

I mean, yeah, I think this is faker than Lennay Kekua, but what if it isn’t? Can you imagine someone’s entire family being so clearly insane and still MARRYING INTO IT AND THEN GETTING PREGNANT WITH THE NEXT GENERATION OF PAPIER MACHE MOUSE LOVERS? On the .01% chance this is real, this woman needs to call the psychiatric ward to get these people treatment and get the fuck out of there.  Damn, girl.

That’s all for this edition of Mouth Flies Open, hope I helped people who asked someone else for help. And a Puerto Rican. See you all next time, and keep writing!

Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email [email protected] with your questions, post questions below, and spread the word!