One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
Yours in the comments, first come, first served. For now, please wait 10 picks before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
This weeks topic: CARTOON CHARACTERS YOU’D HAVE SEX WITH!
Yep, I threatened to do this on Friday and by God and by damn we’re going with it. We go to this week’s Commissioner to explain this week’s rules. Sir, the floor is yours.
GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS! The rules are as follows: 1) No kink shaming; you’re drafting cartoon characters you’d bone down with, there are no heroes here. 2) Wait 10 picks, or 30 minutes, before making your next pick. 3) Your pick must be an individual, which is just me getting out in front of Hippo drafting the female cast of Archer and calling it a day. 4) Anyone drafting Scrappy Doo, or so much as acknowledging his existence, gets banned.
With that said, with the first pick in the inaugural DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, Horatio Cornbl
BALLSOFSTEELANDFURY: Kool Aid Man my ass, it’s me, Balls, and I could give a shit about your toast, roasted or otherwise. Nothing and no one is stopping me from drafting Francois From Archer, the Pele of Anal!
HORATIO: (brushing splinters out of his hair) OK, fine, I probably should have seen that coming. And built a stronger wall. With the second pick of the inaugural DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, I will ta
KING HIPPO: CAROL TUNT!! CHERYL TUNT!! WHATEVER HER NAME IS, I’M TAKING THAT TUNT FROM ARCHER!!
YOU CAN’T STOP ME BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!!!
Horatio: (picking wallboard out of his teeth) I knew this was a bad idea. Fine. (looks around, realizes he doesn’t know any other DFO-2-Diminesional Crushes and is therefore safe) With the third pick of the inaugural DFO Monday Morning Mock Draft, I will take Holli Would from Cool World.
The rest of you, have at it in the comments. And Balls and Hippo, I accept large and small bills, so don’t be stingy.
Since I got here late, and think I perused the comments correctly, I’ll be taking:
She-ra
Mary Jane Watson & Black Cat
Black Widow
Luanne Platter/revision/latest?cb=20130519043703
She-Ra and MJ are both off the table Blair Walsh, but otherwise you nailed it.
Plus since we’re taking animated characters here, so … you also kinda doinked with Scar-Jo … but aside from all of those… yer fine
Too many options, plus ScarJo anytime is good for me.
Eh, sure if you’re into talented, sultry-voiced, (given tha I’m yet to hear her say something iffy) smart, beautiful women…
Based on a brief perusal, it appears every single male animated character is still on the board?
Gotta go with Barbados Slim, after all, he has Olympic medals in both limbo AND sex
And my next steal is Turanga Leela from Futurama:
Ok, I’m REALLY late and scotchnaut took my Heavy Metal pick, but I’ve noticed there are a couple of steals available, so here we go:
Pacific Island Pam:
Tell me that wouldn’t be a lot of fun!
THIS CARSON WENTZ’S CAREER I CALL IT 500,000 DEAD AMERICANS BECAUSE IT AIN’T COMING BACK!
I guess I’ll branch out slightly from the redheads*, and go with the pink-haired Erin Esurance. When I went to find a picture, though, I discovered that the reason Esurance stopped using her in their ad campaigns was that fans were going a little crazy with, uh, “adult” images of her.
Esurance Axes Erin After the Secret Agent Took on an X-Rated Life of Her Own – CBS News
*– I did consider Lois Griffin. We know that she’s kinky as fuck and has very low standards in men, but the combination of another redhead and that atrocious accent disqualified her.
Shit, that’s a good pick.
Yep, anything character that got discontinued because fans were over-sexualizing them is an A+ pick.
Last pick: Keiko
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Leaving me with
Holli Would
Mallory Archer
Lana Kane
Janelle Gillett
Starfire
Keiko
I give myself an ‘A’ for the draft and an ‘F’ for being a functioning adult.
Mallory before Lana is…..fucked up beyond freudian
I gave away Framboise and Cheryl and waited three rounds to pick Lana.
I can’t just babysit you guys.
No, you are already too busy babysitting that child Starfire that you drafted.
I walked right into that.
I didn’t actually get a chance to pick but since we said video game characters are in, I’m cashing in on my first video game crush, with Lyn from FE7 (Fire Emblem)
(Because localization made her 18.)
Shit, i meant to take chung li
For my last pick it’s my turn for a redhead. MJ.
Was wondering when she would go.
Tallying them up, I got:
1. Foxxy Love
2. Lynn Minmay
3. Stripperella
4. Callie Maggotbone
5. Jeannie the Genie
Not terrible. I give myself a B.
B+ minimum, with the sneaky Jeannie pick.
13-year-old me cruises in to take Starfire, but from the comics, where she’s clearly an adult, rather than the more recent TV show, where she’s just as clearly not.
Yes
Thank you no, Mr. Epstein, I do no wish to go to your magic island.
Uh, my only comment on the matter is … that somehow ^ gave birth to v , because 2020 was weird, lol
and with that I’m out, lol … Hopefully I won’t catch y’all in 2 to 15 mins 😀
My understanding of the rules is that you are drafting an ANIMATED CHARACTER. Your adult version is just some drawing in a comic book. What you actually drafted is a fucking child, you disgusting pervert. I guess it’s somewhat mitigated by the fact that it was the 13-year old you that did the drafting, but you can explain the details of that to your neighbors when you let them know how you ended up on the registry.
There’s clear ruling way down there that if it’s 2-Dimensional it’s good. Morticia Addams, for instance, is fine, as is adult Starfire and or any other comic book character.
Jokes on you, my neighbors already hate me.
5th Pick: Jeannie the genie. I will never frustrate your attempts to please me, baby.
v
Potential steal of the draft, right there.
Solid choice.
Sneaky. I like it.
Fuck it, since I’m gonna bolt for the evening – here’s my 6th and final pick:
Ashley Williams (from Mass Effect)
Which completes my lineup of
Cocaine Pam:
Miranda “Genetically engineered to be perfect in every way” Lawson
Juliana Calderon
Aki Ross
Jesse Faden
and the aforementioned Commander Ashley “Letting Kaidan burn in nuclear fire was worth it” Williams
Stay hydrated
I know this link won’t work, but I take this pick even though Birdgirl/Paget did NOT get that THING ah sent her…
The one on the left or on the right?
Morticia Addams
This is, no kidding, my favorite pick of the draft. I am so mad I didn’t make it.
Oh shit. Yeah, I agree completely.
I thought of it two hours ago but I didn’t think it was a good enough pick to even bother looking up whether there was an animated version of the show.
Trixie:
Value pick.
Only if you value jail time, because yet again someone picked carelessly XD
If they’re racing at Talladega, it’s all good.
Nope, 17 in the context of the cartoon, absent a Scooby-Doo loophole, is ineligible. This is a mock draft, not a Winger song.
I do have to wonder about the birth certificate of a 17-year-old helicopter pilot. Sounds sort of like the 18-year-old shortstop from the Dominican Republic who later turns out to have been 23.
Actually 17 is just right for having a PP license, lol (and you can solo at 16.. you just can’t get the license until you turn 17)
Ironically, you may be able to (in theory) get a mil cert earlier, if you get in at 16 and somehow manage the aviation track (but that’s uber competitive at the best of times), so I guess volunteering to get shot at 16 has its perks 🙁
..Also, that’s one of the odd things I never got about age restrictions in the states – you can get married and go to war at 16, vote at 18 … but can crack a beer only at 21?!
Just seems unfair that a cartoon crush you have when you’re 10 is no longer valid 40 years later.
We’re not dealing with crushes here, though, but cartoons you’d have sex with.
I am a sad, pathetic creature indeed.
Trixie is legit and she stays. Touch her and Chim Chim rips your face off. You gals clutch your pearls down at the church and not out here at the track.
Who said life or pointless (but fun) online drafts are fair? Also.. tee-hee-heee kiddos are spending the night with the in-laws again thanks to the collective nuttiness of DFO, so cheers for the assist y’all!
Age of Consent in Japan is 13; they’re thinking of raising it to 16.
I’m In Like Flynn.
D’ya see any tentacles or used panties vending machines here?! … No? ’cause this ain’t neither (double negative… sue me) Japan nor Epstein Island
or Dublin
Chim Chim can watch (but not Spritle; that would be wrong)
Since I’m not gonna use any of them… you lads and lasses can pick Leliana and Morrigan from DA:O
My squad is currently
April O’Neill
She-Ra
Anna Spanikopita
Wonder Woman
Betty Cooper
Rona Thorne
That’s pretty solid.
That’s a nice solid lineup you got the… Wait, 6?! I think I gotta think about my closer 😀
Alright Horatio said 10 picks or 30 minutes, so taking what i think will be my last pick
Shit covered kelp aside, I’m taking strong value from the remaining Archer pool and picking Rona Thorne…which is gonna be AMAZING!
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Excellent. She was on my radar.
I left you Veronica Deane, Trinette, Pita, and that Stewardess that I assumed Balls would take due to being into Greek.
Really, to win this draft you just have to Google “female characters Archer” and then sit back.
Although mentioning ‘winners’ in a mock draft by a bunch of housebound idiots talking about what cartoon character they’d bone is probably an oxymoron.
HEY! I’m an idiot at my desk in my office, thankyouverymuch!
In all fairness, this draft helped out a lot here, lol … Also, I think everyone that didn’t pick goddamn jailbait (“accidentally” of course) is a winner here 😛
Quinn\Nightfall from Final Space
Since I’m gonna have to bolt for dinner for awhile …plus I lost track on who’s picking whom, with my 5th pick, I’m going with Jesse Faden from Control… because everything’s better with redheads(even when you realize after like 9 months of dating your future wife that she’s actually blonde… and you just didn’t make the connection between the hair dye and her varying hair colour… YES, I am that clueless at times XD )
Edit:Whoops:
Somehow I managed to end up with three redheads on my three picks (Firestar, Hawkgirl, Jane Jetson). I didn’t set out to do this, but am ok with it.
With all the controversy over the attempted pick of Judy Jetson, I feel like everyone just forgot about Jane. So she’s my next pick, which I feel is fantastic value at this point in the draft.
She gon take all your money
Oh, I’m not marrying her. She can continue to take George’s money
4th pick will be Callie Maggotbone from Ugly Americans. Can’t say no to a half-succubus!
What’s the other half?
RIP Horatio’s targeted ads after all these searches checking if cartoon characters are 18….
I’d be more concerned the next time he travels on a plane or tries to cross a border :p
That’ll be 2025 by the time I get my shots. I’ll likely have come up with something worse by then.
Don’t worry, at the speed this bugger is mutating, we’ll all get vaccinated just in time to see a completely immune strain pop up to ruin our summer 😀
Yeah, it’s not going to be pretty.
No man is to touch her, except meeeeeeeeeee
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aec-pACyayk&ab_channel=Shout%21Factory
Alright, fine. If Zelda is off limits, give me Pam Poovey.
I’m a chubby chaser anyway, and, according Sterling Archer himself, she’s incredible in bed.
You need to do some scrolling…
Goddamn, I’m bad at this.
Nope, you’re all good. Even Bk, who made the pick, concurs.
bk109 took her hours ago. Pick again!
(This is like when the 1995 Ottawa Rough Riders drafted a dead guy.)
No, I specifically took the cocaine edition Pam, so the pick is still fine (if he’s picking pre-Vice or alternate world Pams)!
The Commissioner will allow this. While Pam was drafted early, that was specifically Cocaine Pam, and WCS is here specifying Chubby Pam. Comics and cartoons being what they are, and also because Cocaine Pam is apparently now part of a multi-season dream of Archer’s this pick is good, if convoluted.
Agree (as stated below) on why the pick is good, BUT … Coked Pam is still part of the main continuity (Archer Vice is season 5, the shitshow that were the season-long alternate worlds began after Archer got shot in the Season 7 finale)
… also what’s the consensus on when this show lost the plot? My take’s pre-Vice (and became borderline unwatchable after :1999) ?
That may be true. I only watched it sporadically after they dropped ISIS, (which, let’s face it, they had to), so I may be mixing my timelines.
I think I stopped completely when they were in a 40’s jungle setting and I just couldn’t get into it. I am going to rewatch it at some point.
I tried to do a complete rewatch with my wife in anticipation of Season 10 (during the utter lack of decent telly thanks to the pandemic) and we noticed that we lost interest/steam before the last non-dream season and that basically all the quotable moments and memorable moments ended in like … Season 4 (probably because after the initial success the show’s creative team tried to force more/bigger jokes instead of letting things advance a bit more naturally which … degraded the fun factor by a lot)
That’s funny. I have the season 4 DVD, having won it in a UPROXX contest years ago, and it’s still in its shrink wrap.
Thanks to Warthog’s flip flop, I’ll take Betty from the Archie comics
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I was surprised that didn’t happen immediately.
I… what?
I’m baffled and curious all at once.
I’d like to know more about those hamburgers.
That’s another draft.
“What are we going to do with all these scissors?”
-B and V, opening their wedding gifts
Gina Jabowski from Paradise PD.
So Sarah Chalke double shot
And the character likes heavy guys, so i have a chance.
Given the amount of questionable choices already made in this draft… I’ll make a questionable joke myself:
With “Consent In A Can”, Everyone has a chance with everyone else!
I live just a couple miles away from their factory. Yes, it’s quite scenic.
Nothing wrong with that … well, except the explosion risk 😀 Funny enough, ^ is also really good for gluing plexiglass (in fact I only learned the “consent in a can” joke thanks to AvE’s youtube channel 😀 )
I’m worried less about the plant and more about the train cars with all the diamonds on them.
Yeah, I keep an eye out for them when driving as well, because… well, I really don’t feel particularly good if I see any of them in my vicinity 😀
Going back to space for my next pick. Clone Beth. She’s the one on the right. (Or is she?) Plus Sarah Chalke
Princess Zelda
Yeah, she was a bitch, but, I’d kill for the chance to disappoint her after 30 seconds.
… wasn’t Zelda like canonically like under 18? … Commish, what does the “ruh-roh” check say?
The show came out in 1989. She’s legal by now.
… yeah, no – we already did this dance with Hippo picking Kim Possible and the canonical age is the one in the show, not the years since it first aired, because by your logic it’s going to be fine to lust after “insert pre-teen in a tv show from like … the 80s”, just because “he/she ‘s all grown up now”
Not familiar with this show, but the rule is you are drafting a character from the time they were on the show. So if they weren’t 18 on the show they are ineligible for this draft, even if they’d be 62 now.
I did enough research to see a headline “How Is Zelda Still Alive After 100 Years”, which seems to answer our question in WCS’s favor. Assuming she is 100+ years old, the pick is good.
Janelle Gillett
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Her pie is probably warm and moist, but hopefully not flaky.
Plus her husband would be amenable to that.
Not a pick, just an observation (which anyone here can yoink)…
Apparenty this was a thing that .. happened:
Snowflame is a drug-powered supervillain who fought the New Guardians.
And one of his unique powers is