Are you ready to watch a shit ton of FITBAW? Think of it as kegel exercises, warming up for RedZone Week 2.
You may not WANT to wake up for Wolves and Bees (NBCSN, 7:30), but if you think about it, tis a pretty interesting animal battle. Is a Wolf dog-ish enough to try to stupidly eat the Bee? The only dog my family ever owned (before I left home, and could no longer stop my Dad and sister’s mutual idiocy, selecting the stupidest, smelliest, and home-destroying beasts they could find) would do that. Natural consequences followed. I will watch detachedly, as is befitting of my Crazy Cat Person status.
Only four matches in the 10:00 window, which is better than it has been (damning with faint praise). Blue Mancs will murder-kill Saints on USA, so I will enjoy the Handsome Mikel Shitshow, taking on Team White Lives Matter (NBCSN). There may be a soccer point, but then again, there may not.
*smoke bomb occurs and Wakezilla emerges from the smoke*|
Welcome to our weekly(ish) edition of laughing at Manchester City. I’m your host, Wakezilla. Follow me every week(ish) as I point out all the cracks that Blood Oil City has as they crash and burn this season.
First up, Benjamin Mendy has been charged with four counts of rape. He will be joining Adam Johnson and Robinho on Man City’s sex offenders penal team. I don’t know how much he’ll get, but I will say, a few days before he was charged with rape, Mendy had leaked picks of him cranking his chain. Based on those pictures alone, the judge should add an extra 10 years just to be safe. In short, City went in the summer transfer window with hopes of signing Messi, Kane and Ronaldo and they ended up with Floppy disk Jack Grealish and a rape charge.Speaking of Jack Grealish, here’s a video of Leicester’s mascot diving behind Grealish.There are 19 teams that Jack could have signed with and he would still be beloved by English footy fans; and he wouldn’t get ridiculed or clowned. Drunk Jack had to pick the one team that would make everyone collectively hate him. Well done, Jack.As for this week’s main event, here’s an absolutely burned out–and absolutely not at all being forced to manage a team he doesn’t want– Pep Guardiola pleading with Man Shitty fans to attend a home lesser footy match:
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Unsurprisingly, that plea didn’t sit well with the Man City fans. Earlier Friday, Pep held a press conference and was forced to apologize to all 6 Man Shitty fans.
Until next time, DFOers, Up the fookin’ Reds! Wakezila throws down another smoke bomb and disappears
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Also, you can stream Trashbirds and Moose Hornets (I hate myself enough to do this), or you can hate-watch Palace and the Shite (I don’t quite hate myself enough to subject my addled mind to that).
Spotlight Dance? Everton and Villa (NBC, 12:30). I predict this is when the wheels finally fall off the unfortunate Benitez bandwagon. The early fixture list has been remarkably accomodating, and that fat cunt will have the wagon in tatters before Kwanzaa. YOU MARK HIPPO’S WORDS!!
Men Untied get Fronk’s Hammer’s on Sunday Funday (9:00, NBCSN), along with two boring streaming options. That’s ok, Heroic RedZone Muzak awaits!
Nebraska (+22.5) at Oklahoma (Noon, Fox)
This is notable only FOAR Gus Johnson, who will call this fixture, then head to the desert to call Qards/Vikes with…Hippo FavoUrite Aqib “Two of the Good Ones” Talib! And Gus has already deadpanned that he will leave any gold chains at home, to avoid a snatching. Also, Jeebus Tapdancing Christ, I get that Steerfuckers North plays down to the competition, but if they are even moderately motivated, they will cover this spread a few minutes into Q2.
Cincinnati (-3.5) at Indiana (Noon, ESPN)
On the one hand, this is the Trappiest Trap Game EVAR Trapped (JV WKRP gets Notre Dame next). On the other, God very specifically and vehemently hates Brocky, and Her will be done.
Virginia Tech (+2.5) at West By God Virginia (Noon, FS1)
The Castrated Turkeys may be 15th in the polls, but Vegas ain’t having it. We can at least be a good WCS support group for a bit.
Purdue (+7) at Notre Dame (2:30, NBC)
Purdue will have this game in hand, and manage to cock it up at the end. Again, yew mark Hippo’s word salad.
Alabama (-14.5) at Florida (3:30, CBS)
Theoretically, a test. But that GAMBLOR line has been racing in Roll Damn Tide’s favoUr. And I ain’t buying what the folk of Gainesville have to sell. But still, good for scouting next year’s NFL Draft.
Southern Cal (-7.5) at Washington State (3:30, Fox)
Pour one out (and rub one out, given Song Girl pic) for poor, over his head Clay Helton. At least he is spared the trip to Pullman. Though the Wazzu fans know doubt would have liked to serenade him with You’re Getting Sacked in the Morning. OK, I would have enjoyed it. Que lastima. ML the Cougs.
Cornfuckers!!!
CORNFUCKERS! They give up 2 points on their own extra point attempt.
JV Cincinnati playing like the varsity team by snatching sabotage from the jaws of momentum.
Rod and Tod on standby??
–
That’s unfortunate.
I was hoping it was Berenson.
I know they are supposed to be a claw, but every time I see Cincinnati’s logo it looks to me more like a half-assed failed logo for Chick-Fil-A; that’s a cock’s comb, not a bearcat claw.
Before the mid-2000s, it used to be straight up but the someone found out about CRTL+i and then they messed with the logo. Seriously, it looks like the last footprint a bearcat makes before it loses its footing and trumbles.
2002 #6 Ohio State @ Cincinnati No Huddle – YouTube
Hippo wellness check?
(cracked open door to deck)
Hippo: “I’m gonna jump!”
Hippo’s still alive at the moment.
eh, I am MOAR despondent about my GAMBLOR. This hiding was always coming, just a matter of when. Charmin-soft early schedule disguised the limits of a meh squad and a Fat Kopite Cunt of a manager.
Early 90s hip-hop star Matty Cash just scored for Villa. Everton needs to equalize soon.
Score on the opponents! Not on yourselves, you twits!
Fuck Aston Villa with a rusty screwdriver.
The new Yum box is here!
Snacky Wacks!
PRAISE SHANK’LOR
TV: “…and the score is Indiana 14 – Cincinnati 0. The Hoosiers are completely outplaying the Bearcats.”
(drinks new apple flavored Mountain Dew)
TV: “…and the halftime score is Indiana 14 – Cincinnati 10. The Bearcats have the momentum going into the break.”
I thought they banned cocaine in sodas.
So not only did you jinx my college team, not only are the Bengals gonna beat the bears tomorrow, you’re actively going out of your way to jinx me with your witchcraft drinks?
Wtf man, thought we were friends
Friendship ends when football and Mountain Dew drinks without oranges (allergy) in it comes into play.
Seriously, its not bad. Its like drinking a Green Apple Jolly Rancher.
So it gets all stuck in your teeth and pulls old fillings out?
You are allergic to orange? The color too, or just the fruit?
Fruit.
Look, GumbyGirl is a straight woman, that accusation don’t make no sense!!
Needs abe simpsons
So it begins.
#IUFOOTBALL #FUCKMYLIFE #WHOTHEFUCKSTILLUSESHASHTAGS
Referee: “We are reviewing the call of the field of an incomplete pass.”
(two minutes later)
Referee: “Indiana’s best defender is disqualified from the rest of the game.”
Ramblings Of A Madman: Image (tumblr.com)
Look, God hates you. WE ALL NOE DIS.
:belch:
My tilt-edged arse NEEDED that Koln GOOOOLLLLLL
Guten-dammen you KrautVAR
Did everyone in SoCal recover from the MeatQuake last night?
Meatquake? I was in Baltimore the whole time. I ate Jimmy’s Seafood out of food. – A. Reid
Last time I experienced a MeatQuake was a few hours after my first visit to an all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouse.
All good. Got a little splash of fish tank water on the floor but we survived.
Northern France woke up and chose violence.
https://twitter.com/CBSSportsGolazo/status/1439265150725414917?s=20
Slow cooking a lamb shoulder with Moroccan spices and my house smells like heaven. Thank you to Yeah Right who told me to sear it first.
Searing before braising is always a great idea.
Glad to help.
Hope it turns out as delicious as it sounds.
UConn is down 14-0 with true freshmen at QB and RB, so I’m going to do what Army should have done in Afghanistan 10 years ago: declare victory and get the fuck out.
Army just scored a PASSING TOUCHDOWN
Too bad nobody PASSED them the intelligence that would have prevented them from blowing up Afghan children.
—Blown up Afghan children.
That ‘righteous strike’ has blown up in Milley’s face almost as badly as it blew up those kids and their aid-worker father.
I look forward to Politico’s article: “Sure, there are dead Afghan children, but WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THE MIDTERMS?”
I mean, it has 2 b GREAT news 4 John McCain!!!!1111 obvs
I think the Político guy is going to be my new Ellen DeGeneres, in that I will harrass him until it stops being fun. (harrassing Ellen has not yet stopped being fun)
Come on, I already jerked it this morning! – Dick C., Laramie, WY
“How are supposed to 9/11 2 them in 15 years if we’re dead NOW?!”
– Blown up Afghan children, filling out flight school application
It’s tragic. No kid deserves 4,000 virgins before hitting puberty.
Fact check: it’s 72 virgins 🤷🏼♂️
With a stadium about 80% full, Pep’s squad laid an egg:
Manchester City directed just one shot on target in the whole game against Southampton (via Phil Foden in the 90th minute), their lowest tally in a Premier League match since March 8th 2017 when they also managed just one, against Stoke City
a terrifying reminder that the Mutants of Stoke spent quite a few years in the Premiership
I saw Mighty Whitey beat Stoke at the cottage and Mark Hughes who left West London was the manager of the Stokies. Darren Bent score the winner and there was much rejoicing ands shit talking to Hughes.
Darren Bent was one hell of a player. Not a HOFer, but a very good player
KFC should have sponsored today’s Sparty/Da U tilt – Failure Pile in a Sadness Bowl
Speaking of movies about problematic Europeans (Australians, too), in South Africa, if you haven’t seen the movie Breaker Morant, do yourself a favor and correct that as quickly as you can. Outstanding movie.
Piling on here. Yes.
Unreadable typography. D-
You know what’s sad? Girls who have bad sex and then have to go get an abortion. We should be teaching more sex positive stuff in school.
Speaking of Disappointing, are we all watching Everton play today?
No, I’ve been more focused on abortions, so I’m watching UConn football.
I am ready to be Very Disappointed but that’s hard when one has no expectations.
Wrexham won!
“Not again!”
-All of the sheep in North Wales
1:50 in and UConn is tied with Army.
Moral victory has been declared!
That’d be the first victory any US Army officer has enjoyed since 1945.
Vietnam was a tie!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X6QqZF3J14
Tie goes to the impoverished freedom fighters holding off an invading dying empire.
You mean the US or France?
Well, that didn’t last.
I’m going down to the Life is Beautiful festival this afternoon with my cousin. He’s a total SoCal guy (Laguna Hills kid) without a care in the world and he and his girlfriend just do this stuff all the time. He’s going all three days. I’m going to tag along with him for one day then spend all Sunday recovering, I’m sure.
Are you going to take ecstacy? If so, the next day you will probably feel pretty down. See if you can rustle up some prozac for the next day, it really helped me.
Oh the day after E is the absolute worst. I lived on the beach in Australia and was so depressed I was about to move back to Winnipeg in the winter.
The closest I’ve come to E is that episode of American Dad where Roger created it. I should be fine with a little weed.
|
Anyone who has any occasional doubts about whether “tax the rich” is the way to go should spend a few minutes riding the Real Estate section of the Sunday NY Times.
I’m rich and I say tax the rich. Then people who have no chance of meeting my annual earnings in a decade tell me that I’m a communist and must be stopped. And I have been. So good job there, John Q Mortgage-Carrier.
Also, I mean Tax the Wealthy.
Give them King’s Afrikan Water Pistols credit – score 2 goals in 5 fixtures, tally 6 points. That’s pretty good efficiency.
Got keep as much powder available as possible in case the Zulu show up unexpectedly. Can’t have another Isandlwana now, can we?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Isandlwana
“Mr. Chard, sir, patrol’s come back. The Zulus have gone. All of them. It’s a miracle.”
“If it’s a miracle, Colour Sergeant, it’s a short-chambered, Boxer-Henry .45 calibre miracle.”
“And a bayonet, sir. With some guts behind it.”
Such a great movie.
From a colonialist’s perspective, of course.
Wogs begin at Dover.
—Sir Harry Paget Flashman VC, KCB, KCIE
While I don’t disagree with you, old chap, I think I’m more afraid of a baby giraffe than I am of the Arsenal attack at this point.
What’s a baby giraffe weigh? I already don’t like their height advantage.
It’s no Light Brigade, is it Sir?
Oh, wha happen Mighty Whitey??
It, uh
It didn’t go well today.
Look, we’re all sad about Richmond taking Bobby Lee’s statue down, but it’s time to move on, OK?
Uh-oh! Hot dog!
Fucking hell.
Ah, the excitement of an extended VAR review. What more could you ask for?
Breaking news: Team White Lives Matter has just brought on a BIPOC player in their contest against the King’s African Water Pistols. Predictions on when the first banana is thrown? I’ll say 70th minute.
Young Helen Mirren also hot, (aging quite well, also), and quite possibly high as fuck here
https://twitter.com/AlexScutchfield/status/1438808578354262016
Alex’s profile pic there looks like he’s been, uh, “looking” at that Helen Mirren pic for few minutes…
A young Angela Lansbury could get it.
https://twitter.com/Super70sSports/status/1438788057524850692
I should be more hungover. Thank you Jeebus.*
* Water and food during drankin’ + lotsa water & Tylenol before sleeping.
In fact, here is my Players Tribune “Letter to a Young Me” style post in its totality:
“Food and water during drankin’ EVERY SINGLE TIME you fucking moron! On that note, you will not die a virgin, so smile occasionally.”
I have long said “I wish I could go back in time with pictures of all the girls I’ve been fortunate enough to be friendly with and show them to my 12 year old self with the message ‘be patient, young man.'”
Drunk, drunk, high, drunk and high, who the hell is that, what was I thinking, yessss, drunk, high, both, an so on.
Aubamayeng looks more tired than I was this morning when the cat got me up at 7:05 so he could go outside and murder things.
If I lived in the Mountain Time zone there’d be football already…
Tis the best timezone IMO, have lived on EST, CST, MST, PST and oz and Scotland.
I have all of those except oz.
Just rolled out of bed at 10:30 after getting in from a poker tournament at 2:30.
Top 4 got paid. Care to guess where I finished?
6th. I finished 6th. Crippled by 9s cracking my JJ, ended with AK doing what Anna Kournikova always did: looking good and failing to win.
HOW THE FUCK YOU DOING, BOYS!?
“Crippled by 9s cracking my JJ”
Is that a euphemism? Do you need some penicillin?
It means I put a guy all in when I was starting with a pair of Jacks, and he called with a pair of 9’s. I’m about an 80-20 favoUrite to start, so naturally he caught a 9 to get a set, and I lost most of my chips, and now that I’ve type all this out I can see why people hate when other people talk about poker.
Sartre was a little off: Hell is listening to other people’s bad beat stories.
I’ll absolutely do it again.
Last time I played I got four kings in a hand. Three of them were on the board, though, which is why I couldn’t get anybody to push against me.
No dead cat bounce for the troi-bois?
My read is that they LIKED Helton just fine, just didn’t really RESPECT him. Plus, their recruiting had been abyssmal. So, I am not expecting that much of a “new manager bump” for the interim dude.
That said, I am wrong quite a bit.
You might be right.
https://twitter.com/DSJR1/status/1439033962853109765
You have to spread the O-line evenly throughout the plane; you can’t just let them all sit together in the back.
I’m honestly wondering if something like that happened.
Neglected to mention the Fightin’ Horatios are 5-TD underdogs again. TO ARMY.
Hey, I’m not above old Big East rivalries to say that UConn would probably lose to the St. John’s football team in that case. Or the Queens College football team. Or even the Purchase College football team.
By “St. John’s” football team I can only assume you mean my high school team. Go
RebelsMavericks!And by “my high school team” I can only assume you mean “a bunch of out-shape 40-somethings today with no practice, conditioning, or preparation.”
They’d be favored by 7.5 over UConn.
I would recommend Army and the points. UConn is the worst team in the FBS, and quite possibly the FCS as well.
West Point is a good place to see a game, though.
That stadium you showed a while back was nice.
You missed a very important lesser footy game:
Mini-me In TX* has her first-ever peewee soccer game today! Team P-GSPH-S03** is gonna kick the shit out of whatever pathetic collection of sad-sack 6 year olds that other coach puts out there!
*Still workshopping the name.
**Also still workshopping the name. The kids are going to pick the real name. Mine wants either Tigers, Cheetahs, or Lions. She’s a big fan of the big cats.
I became an Everton supporter based on my being drafted to coach my daughter’s pee wee team. Long story.
Who are they? The Wildcats! Who’re they gonna beat? The Wildcats!
Dress for the job you want, they say. Use the same approach for naming the team: The Venture Capital Lynxes.
I really hate that Serena Williams/Wonder Woman commercial, and that couch jackass’ bug-eyed expression.
I swear his significant other climaxes at the end of the commercial.
Such is the power of Wonder Williams.
Shrouds with a big W yesterday Mr. Hippo sir.
Huzzah! I was happy to wake up to that Louisville result.
That game was absolutely nuts. Louisville was 100% going to win, until they weren’t. Then UCF was 100% going to win, until they didn’t. My Twitter feed was basically just a bunch of dudes going “WHAT”
Huskers +22.5! God damn. Anyone remember when this was the only JV footy matchup of the year that mattered? And it always seemed to end 10-7? Keith Jackson calling linemen “the Big Uglies” and talking about how many “corny dogs” they could eat?
How many times were they “Game of the Century?” At least 2 or 3.
It’s fascinating how their fortunes have diverted. Not that Okiehoma is that much less shitty a wasteland than Nebraska.
Alabama/Florida too. Never thought I’d see lines like that on these games.
Hey Hippo, you put + instead of – for Roll Damn Tide.
I say keep it. Speak it into being and it shall be.
Let’s be honest: outside of Tide fans, wouldn’t pretty much everyone be delighted to see Alabama get absolutely obliterated?
Nah, not to the Florida Men.
That’s fair. I don’t much care who beats ’em, as long as someone does.
oopsie doodle! Needless to say, if Vegas is equally sloppy, ML the hell outta it
At least you can grow corn and soy beans in Nebraska. The only things Oklahoma produces are tornadoes and anti vaxxers.
I’m gonna hazard a guess that hiring Scott Frost hasn’t exactly worked out the way the Huskers planned…
Replace the main lyric with “Bees With Ten”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pKz5cUfd1is
🎶 Gaffer looks LIKE…a drunk SAILING INSTRUCTOR…bees with ten…bees with ten 🎶
So much Gamblor today
What yew got??
Hoffenheim
Fiorentina
West Brom – Heerenveen parlay
Pumas later in sexcsiMexi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7FDjEboYk0
Wolves will be relegated.
they certainly have the look of fodder about ’em
Guten Morgen. Deci slept til 545 do that is sort of a win. My 3rd dose vaxx has hit pretty hard and I got them body aches.
Don’t worry, the superpowers make it worth it.
What are you doing with your new tail? I’ve heard it’s a great butt-tickler during missionary…
I grew a beard and Mrs. Cola hates it so until I shave the beard my extra tail will get no accion.
Ok, waking up at 4 AM on the EAST COAST is beyond crazy for this West Coaster.
Does Hippo post this at midnight and I’ve just never noticed?
Every bit of morning word salad I produce goes LIVE at 05:00 DFOST.