Balls Magazine Volume 16 and Saturday Night Open Thread

As you may have noticed, I have been lax in publishing new episodes of Balls Magazine. That’s not to say that I haven’t been playing golf. I have. I’ve just been playing really shitty golf. To wit, here are my results from my last three rounds:

  • 107 at Santa Anita Golf Course
  • 113 in my club’s May tournament
  • 116 in yesterday’s round in Cypress

Not exactly going on the right direction, am I?

The weird thing is that I that I don’t think I’m really playing that badly. For the most part, I’m making good contact and the ball is going straight. Well, except for yesterday when the ball was going off the tee to the right for some reason. It started during my warmup at the range and it never stopped.

Differential-wise, the Santa Anita round was actually pretty good. When I played it, I felt I could have easily saved about six or seven shots by avoiding stupid mistakes and bad decisions.

At the club tournament, that number grew to 10.

I think I have realized that I need to take my time more. I like to be a fast player and play “ready golf”, which means you hit the ball as soon as you can to stay on pace with the group ahead of you.

However, I’m rushing through the shots. I’m not thinking about what I want to do and where I want to go with my next shot.

I’ve realized that golf is a lot like billiards/pool. You can work on technique so the ball goes exactly where you want it to go. However, if you want to be really good at the game, you need to think about setting up the next shot after your initial shot.

I have a lot of opportunities to get better quickly. Next weekend, I have a round with an ex-co-worker in Palm Springs on Saturday and a round with co-workers on Sunday in preparation for a Company tournament in June. The following weekend (both Saturday and Sunday) is the Club Championship tournament.

So, there will be plenty more of my misadventures to share with y’all. Let’s hope I don’t embarrass myself too much.

PROS

I am getting more practice and recognizing my mistakes so I can avoid them in the future.

I’m playing different courses, which is a lot of fun and helps improve my game.

I’m getting used to playing with random strangers.

CONS

The scoring is going in the wrong direction.

I have no idea why I’m developing a slice off the tee. I must fix that ASAP.

OVERALL RATING:

To make up for my shitty play, Rikki will now present the next exciting chapter in the golf cart girl story!

See you next time.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
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Gumbygirl

Good night all of yinz. I am determined to snap out of my funk tomorrow. Weed and carbs, that’s the ticket!

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2Pack

Most endevours are like that Balls. A slump before the breakout. You are doing fine Buddy.

Hope the Nuggets are staying loose.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

grumble grumble your mom could give them a few lessons on how to stay loose grumble grumble

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Port Adelaide – Richmond after one quarter is….not close.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hell yeah it was!

Horatio Cornblower

Jesus Christ, the guy hitting the game-winning basket with .01 in the clock is named White. IT WAS FAHCKIN PREAWDAHNED THAT A WHITE WOULD LEAD US BAHCK TO FAHCKING GLAWRY!!!

WCS

I appreciate how genuinely stunned everyone on the TNT set is.

Mr. Ayo

I just revived from my shocked state.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

[runs through clubhouse with a Celtics bandana wrapped 3/4 of the way around his wing-wang] – Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Horatio Cornblower

Forget it Balls; it’s Beantown.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Who around here is fucking patient?

Senor Weaselo

Listen, I’m all for Miami blowing a 3-0 lead, but this isn’t the meteor!

Brocky

Lol

Last edited 1 year ago by Brocky
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bonus sprots are always good, especially if they prolong Boston hope before a soul crush.

Brocky

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

That show was shockingly good

Horatio Cornblower

Couldn’t stand it. Thought it was embarrassing for everyone involved.

The audience for Winning Time, like Nigeria, is a land of contrasts.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Everyone involved is unlikable but I thought it was immensely watchable.

Horatio Cornblower

Wow, that’s a hell of a win.

Fortunately Celtics fans are humble and will surely accept this win with grace and humility.

WCS

Holy poop on a stick, BAWHSTAHN

WCS

That fucking counts.

Mr. Ayo

NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Horatio Cornblower

So, as I currently understand it, if you’re a player of a certain reputation, (Butler, Tatum), all you need to do is jump straight at another player, fling your arms in the air, and yell at the refs, and you get to the line no matter what.

Horatio Cornblower

I don’t watch much NBA, and seeing the officiating in the 4th quarter of this game is reminding me why.

WCS

I’m nawt a fackin fahn of hahving BAWSTAHN affiliations, regardless of how inconsequential.

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Senor Weaselo

Senor’s friend (originally from Vegas) is not yet in butt pucker mode, but is done with Hill.

Horatio Cornblower

Not really sure it’s Hill’s fault when his teammates throw Max Domi at him while Hill’s trying to block shots.

WCS

Ice Persons are STILL GOTTDAMNED STARS.

Horatio Cornblower

Weird seeing a Dallas team win play-off games. I feel like I’m in the early 90’s again.

Hey, wow, my back doesn’t hurt and I can rotate my shoulder without hearing a Rice Krispies commercial! This rules!

yeah right

I’m here in spirit.

Mr. Ayo

I’m in spirits.

TheRevanchist

The Heat offense is not anywhere in spirit.

SonOfSpam

Ohtani-san on the mound for the Halos.

First play: Ohtani makes a two-base throwing error.

WCS

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herodotus450

Canadian channel intermission topic? The Maple Lefas.

Mr. Ayo

The hockey podcast I listen to has a dedicated How does this affect the Maple Leafs segment. Sarcastically of course.

Game Time Decision

This is part of the reason I hate the Leafs

blaxabbath

Best thing my wife has to say for her time in Texas?

Buckees

WCS

Beef jerky wall is pretty gnarly, but honestly, once the novelty is done, it’s still just a giant gas station with toilet seats clean enough to snort blow off.

Wait, ignore that second part.

Gumbygirl

It ain’t Sheetz. Here’s an accurate representation of my mental health this past week

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WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

I’ve been watching ‘100 Foot Wave’ on HBO. It’s about big wave surfers searching for, you guessed it, a 100′ wave to surf, it’s totally addicted, and all of those people are absolutely out of their goddamn minds.

blaxabbath

Any sane person searches in metric.

SonOfSpam

Seen a couple of those, enjoyable and amazing.

Horatio Cornblower

I forget who our resident golf pro is, but he probably has better advice than me on this. That said, I used to have a wicked slice and I mostly got rid of it by making sure my left arm, (I’m right-handed, as are all of God’s most favored), stayed straight through the swing. I think it kept the club head from flying open to the right, which is why I think I was slicing. Also slowing my swing down helped a lot.

Or it could just be a coincidence because boy howdy, I am not good at golf.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Colonel Duke LaCrosse

A golf club would help me navigate these rehearsal dinner speeches. Maybe.

Horatio Cornblower

Definitely listen to the Col. before me.

blaxabbath

Golf Tec

Game Time Decision

Golden Tee

Game Time Decision

NLL finals, Game 1 on TSN or ESPN, if you’re looking for some lacrosse playoff action

King Hippo

Who’s playing/should we root for?

Game Time Decision

Buffalo Bandits VS Colorado Mammoth.
I think the Bandits will win, but these teams met in the finals last year and Colorado won. Also Colorado is owned by Stan kroenke, but the Bandits are owned by Terry Pegula. So both suck

litre_cola

Colorado Mammoth Cocks v Buffalo Panty Bandits.

Game Time Decision

Woolly Mammoth cocks vs the granny panty Bandits

scotchnaut

Completely True Golf Story:

The entire family (all four of us) accompanied my dad to the 9 hole golf course slightly outside our town. Around the 7th(?) tee my younger sister (maybe six years old) ran out of her mother’s arms towards her dad who was in the middle of his backswing. She was hit by the club and knocked back at least six feet. Her skull was exposed and there was blood everywhere. We all raced to the car with my mother asking if anyone had a blanket or anything to staunch the bleeding. My dad was speeding to the hospital and ran a red light. A police cruiser showed up at the hospital because a concerned citizen had taken down our license number.

Last edited 1 year ago by scotchnaut
herodotus450

“Oh you think your slice is bad…”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If there was ever a night for the NBA to rig a playoff game, it’s tonight. That would put Game 7 in Boston on Memorial Day.

litre_cola

Sweet Jesus, it is just a license plate holder from my home province.

herodotus450

It’s time yet again for a game of “NHL Goalie or Porn Star”!:
1) Aiden Hill
2) Carter Hart
3) Nikolaj Khabibulin
Submit your answers using your touch-tone phone!

Mr. Ayo

1) Goalie
2) Porn Star
3) Goal

litre_cola

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WCS

Trick question: both

Game Time Decision

My buddy now has a golf membership, so we have a few rounds planned. Think it’s $42 for twilight after 3, so works for me. Can only dream of scores like above. Oh and will be playing with my dads clubs that were new in the 70s. The woods still have wood.

Last edited 1 year ago by Game Time Decision
Mr. Ayo

If you’re going to play this much, invest in some lessons. Just a few months and you’ll be miles better.

litre_cola

Oh totally. 3 lessons in and my slice stopped and I upped my distance tremendoUsly. The Decilitre came and I haven’t golfed in 6 years.

Mr. Ayo

I think the problem was you came first.

Horatio Cornblower

That’s the shot he needed to slice off target.

2Pack

I’d rob a church collection plate to find out.

Horatio Cornblower

I’d do that to get an extra beer at closing time; the Church will just spend it on another altar boy settlement anyway.

litre_cola

A life mission that I doubt will ever happen is to go to the Monaco Grand Prix and hang out on a boat.

Mr. Ayo

I that race so much, but totally agree.

Doktor Zymm

I think we all know how this will end
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Senor Weaselo

Same!

scotchnaut

I’m slowly sashaying into a no booze, 92.75% veggotastic diet for the next little while. I’ve done it twice before in the last two years and the benefits are extraordinary. Add some hiking to the regimen and I’m gold.*

*this turn of events has nothing to do with wifey sharing stories of semi-old (54-65 years-old) miscreants dropping dead after abusing various things.

Game Time Decision

What’s the 7.25% non vegetarian stuff?
/honestly curious

scotchnaut

It’s all BBQ related. Sometimes a guy needs a hot Italian sausage or a striploin steak on a summer long weekend.

King Hippo

Mrs. Scotchy is wise. She ain’t want NO PART of taking over your “wake up our son for work” duties.

Horatio Cornblower

Inspired by Yeah Right I’ve been trying to be vegetarian/pescatarian as much as possible.

Then summer came and, well, I can live to 95 doing this or I can make 85 and know the taste of burgers and steaks on the grill.

Fuck you arteries; we’ll try again after LaboUr Day.

Senor Weaselo

So, you don’t want to hear about my trip with Senorita Weaselo’s siblings to K-BBQ this afternoon? Fun was had, high quality meat was consumed.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh I am more than willing to live vicariously.

And also willing to eat BBQ pretty much whenever; none of us are getting out of here alive anyway.

blaxabbath

Now.

While I’m dining at the best pho place in town. Alone. Because they don’t judge nobody here.

King Hippo

If the #BFIB make the Dirt Playoffs with under 80 wins, I am going to enjoy being extra insufferable.

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Horatio Cornblower

Turns out Fredbird was racist as hell, so he was halfway there anyway.

(Yes, I realize that applies to probably 95% of all fanbases in all sports)

King Hippo

Silly Goose, Fredbird loves EVERYBODY, even THUGS

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is a MAGA journey story.

WCS

What’s Fredbird drank now that Budweiser’s GON WOKE?