INTERIOR – DISNEYLAND PARKING LOT, ANAHEIM, CA – MORNING
JUSTIN HERBERT: Oh boy oh boy! I’m so excited to finally get that authentic Hollywood experience! Somewhere where I can be just like all the locals! I can’t wait to try Wolfgang Puck’s for lunch!
[Looks around the otherwise empty parking lot with a smile]
HERBERT: Well all-right! I got here before anyone else! That local SoCal travel blog really gave me some good tips! What’s next? [Glances down at phone]
HERBERT: [Walking] BOLTMFAN#1 recommends taking the red elevator on the west side of the garage, “despite it’s unusual rocking appearance, oh yeah!” [Giggles] He’s really into this stuff!
[As HERBERT rounds a corner, the garage darkens and the décor changes dramatically, but he is too busy with his phone to notice until he reaches a dead end]
HERBERT: [Startled] Whoa! Is that…? I mean, it’s certainly red, but, uh… [Glances around nervously, then looks down and sighs] Alright, Justin, it’s time to man up! Just like the first half of last season’s playoff game. How badly do you want to ride It’s a Small World?
[The elevator door slowly creaks open on its own. HERBERT takes a few steps inside before the abruptly door slams shut behind him.]
HERBERT: [Laughing sheepishly] Isn’t it a little early for Halloween? [Scrolling quickly on his phone] Did they put the old Tower of Terror ride in the parking lot or something?
[The lights go black and the elevator begins descending at a rapid pace. HERBERT squeals in horror.]
[The elevator comes to an abrupt halt and HERBERT falls to the ground in a heap as the door opens to a dimly lit hallway]
HERBERT: [Standing up and dusting himself off] Jiminy Cricket, what a fall! Dean’s Legal Team is going to be hearing about this! [Glancing back at his phone] And I’ll be updating my review…
…as soon as I get service again. Now, where am I?
HERBERT: [Stepping out into the hall] This must be some kind of old maintenance area. It looks, original to the park itself. [Glancing back at his phone] But it says here this structure wasn’t built until the 2000’s… Oh man, that reminds me of one of my favorite albums!
[Save for the occasional sound of water dripping, the silence is only broken from the groan of the hallway itself, rustily settling under it’s own weight]
HERBERT: [Now humming Poker Face as he slowly walks forward] This place looks creepier than Eddie Murphy’s Haunted Mansion!
[As if in response, a horrible scream begins echoing down the halls, followed by many more in tandem. HERBERT’S eyes grow wide and he begins running, and running and running until he stops short of breath.]
HERBERT: [Panting] I… I swear I’ve run past this same door… at least 5 times now. Why does she… look like that?
[HERBERT’S hand extends shakily and grabs the door knob, but before he can turn]
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
[In the dusty old equipment room, KENNAN ALLEN is illuminated by a single overhead light. He is tied to a chair with a gag tied around his face. Every few seconds, he shrieks in agony as sparks fly from a car battery propped up on a pile of old pads. HERBERT rushes over and removes the gag]
HERBERT: Kennan! I never thought I’d run into you at Disneyland!
ALLEN: [Screaming] JESUS CHRIST! This isn’t Disneyland, man! It lured me here with what I wanted most! And it got you with–GRAHHHH!!!! …fucking DISNEYLAND?!?!
HERBERT: [Matter-of-factly] Well, I don’t expect you to understand, but I’ve never been and ever since I re-watched Even Stevens during the offseason—
ALLEN: Shut up and get me the fuck out of here!
[HERBERT sighs and begins untying him from the chair. Sparks fly one final time before ALLEN leaps up shrieking, but lands perfectly on his feet.]
ALLEN: I’m back, baby!
HERBERT: Yes! So, are you ready to go ride Thunder Mountain?
???: THUNDER MOUNTAIN?! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH YYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
[The color drains from ALLEN’S face as a voice speaks from the darkness. In one motion, he pushes HERBERT to the ground and runs past him to the open door.]
ALLEN’S KNEE: [POP]
ALLEN: FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
BOLTMAN: [Emerging from the shadows] BOLTMAN WOULD LOVE TO SHOW YOU HIS THUNDEROUS MOUNTAIN! [Pelvic thrusts repeatedly]
HERBERT: [Visibly shaking with flopsweat] You–you’re… Are you a Ma-ma-marvel character?
BOLTMAN: [Jumping onto a nearby table] BOLTMAN IS A MARVELOUS CHARACTER INDEED, YOUNG HERETIC! NOW, HOLD STILL! BOLTMAN HAS BEEN ON A VIOLENT FEEMES KICK AND NEEDS A NEW XYLOPHONE!
[HERBERT gets to his feet and runs for the door, past a crawling ALLEN. The DOOR FLIES SHUT behind him and the screams from earlier resume with the addition of wet ripping and tearing sounds.]
HERBERT: [Running back down the hallway] HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?!
HERBERT: There! There’s light coming from up there!
[HERBERT crashes through the door ahead of him and slams it shut behind him. As he pants and drops to his knees, he turns to see a new horror.]
HERBERT: THIS ISN’T [wheeze] DISNEYLAND!
[The door behind him suddenly flies open, sending him sprawling forward]
BOLTMAN: [Emerging with his new instrument] DO YOU LIKE BOLTMAN’S XYLO-BONE?! YOUR FEMURS WILL MAKE EXCELLENT HAMMERS!
[HERBERT’S screams echo into the night, followed shortly by the solo from Gone Daddy Gone]
[HARD CUT]
INTERIOR – OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE, COSTA MESA, CA – AFTERNOON
DEAN SPANOS: And you’re saying none of these luxury frames are covered by my insurance?
OPTOMOTRIST: [Sighing] No, sir, Medicaid does not–
SPANOS: [Cutting him off] FINE! [Chuckles and glances around nervously] That’s fine! I’ll just take…
…these ones.
OPTOMOTRIST: They really compliment your, uh, face, sir.
SPANOS: How much?
OPTOMOTRIST: Just your co-pay, from the look of it. Go see Tina down the hall and she’ll charge you out.
[Cut to SPANOS nervously looking searching for an exit]
SPANOS: There’s gotta be a fire door back here or…what do we have here?
Since this team has left for smoggier pastures, I have watched less than 20 hours of NFL football. I have tried to write previews for them the last two seasons and just couldn’t muster the effort. This team will go something between 10-7 to 12-5 and have to settle for a Wild Card spot, because mercifully, Patrick Mahomes exists and will box out the Spanos Clan from ever winning the division and hosting a home playoff game.
[Lights candle]
A quick search has determined that the new sacrificial Kicker for the season is named Cameron Dicker, which couldn’t be more perfect for this team. He will cost them at least two games with a missed extra point or chip-shot as time expires.
Fuck them, fuck Dean Spanos and I will not settle until it all goes Chernobyl.
[Stadium and Xylo-bone images created using Adobe Express AI]
[Banner image via]
[…] BOLTMAN: [Starting to lose his composure] JOLTMAN ALSO KNOWS THAT HERETIC COMMANDER HERBERT SECRETES HUMAN EXCREMENT INTO HIS PANTS WHENEVER HE GOES NEAR AN ELEVATOR, SINCE THE START OF LAST SEASON! […]
Fun chargers piece, LCSS. I’d love to make a relevant crack about Dr David Chao but what if that fucking moron harnesses the power of AdobeAI someday?
My wife just said she needed “a little light” and I almost said “just ask Lowratio” and you assholes have ruined me.
Yay, my Blazers won! I can ignore the jv’s for the rest of the weekend, like I did in high school.
reminds me of when a reporter asked Jerry Garcia to what he attributed his & The Grateful Dead’s musical longevity.
Jerry didn’t miss a beat when replying (with a bit of a twang): “Clean Livin'”
Self-explanatory
Dean Spanos looks like wish.com Kelsey Grammer
Hobo Matt Rhule has not broken the Cornfuckers’ curse. Huzzah!
Was the best game I have seen tonight, for sure.
Gophers rhule, Huskers druhle.
I guess Minnesota saved the excitement for the end of the game.
Doubling down!
Holy shit I cannot even describe how happy it makes me that MAGA trash John Isner’s tennis career just ended at the hands of a guy named Mmoh that looks like this:
Stands for Museum Modern Of Hart
I think he should become the patron saint of DFO for tennis and we can refer to him as Kid Mmoh.
“Kennan? Feemes? Man, we’ve got a lot of work to do with your double letters…” – Maxx Crosby
/but seriously, this was a delight.
So last night we went to see Shakespeare in the Park (Midsummer Night’s Dream – great production) and today we went to see the Keith Haring exhibit at the Broad. I have concluded that that’s enough culture for one week, and plan to get drunk and slovenly tomorrow night to make up for it.
oo lookit the woke smart guy with his shakespeare and gay sex and art stuff
Keith Haring’s stuff is kind of repetitive, and he doesn’t really have an “early period” because he died so young, but man did he draw a lot of pictures of penises when he first got started in New York.
Respect the hustle. Did he text any of them to Jenn Stwhatshername?
Um…pretty sure she wasn’t his type. Then again, the title of the exhibit was “Art is for Everybody”.
Tomorrow is Gumby’s birthday. We’re going to dinner at a place called Melvyn’s, which is supposed to be old skool Palm Springs. Swanky! I’m looking forward to it.
Sounds fun – enjoy Merlin’s!
(but seriously happy birthday and all the best to you two)
[slips the cashier at the local Mervyn’s twenty bucks to set up a table and some folding chairs and a cupcake with a candle just in case the Gumbys turn up]
Perkins, probably.
$20 Gumby heard Melvins show
https://youtu.be/_-KjztYK9iY?si=0ZJssOx8VlXOgGkY
It’s bad enough that tWBS is no longer with us, but seeing this makes it even worse:
He would enjoy the Yankees and Red Sox’s records the most for multiple reasons.
Wicked funny review. Always liked the SD/LAC unis
Jeebus, how bad must UConn’s OTHER QB be?
JV Florida Mans are special alright.
I’m sure Wee Ron is watching angrily, Governor seems SO BUTCH you know he’s super into sportsball competitions.
Health and Safety check on our resident pill happy water horse.
Ya’ll aight?
Just saw the “highlights” on tWWL, Lowratio better start stretching now.
That Rosa sure has some deceptive speed alright
I want neither a Graham cracker nor a Mertz Donut
I know a pony named Graham cracker. He is the cutest pony ever, but also kind of a butthead. So a true pony.
Tell him to Stay Gold for me, will ya?
That’s gotta be an AI-generated Lee Corso in those commercials, right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu8tX2BAD1k&pp=ygUdd2hhdCBpcyBhIHV0ZSBteSBjb3VzaW4gdmlubnk%3D
“Hang on, but his name is ARMstrong”
-NC State Coaching staff right now
Herman Cain’s (honky) ghost placement kicking for Minnesota (#99). Did he make it from 54? Also nein.
Angel Maroni, blow your SECULAR trumpet!
Like a blister in the Sun Diego amirite
this will go down your permanent recccoooorrrrd
Not the first time a Florida man has gotten in trouble for packing too many 2’s
Florida had two guys with the same jersey number, 2, on the field during a Utah punt; this gave Utah a first down and they subsequently scored a touchdown. THis is not a joke.
Oh maybe it was the number 3. Tear the whole thing down.
Wait, I thought Brett Favre was from Mississippi.
“2nd Down is the new 3rd Down” wow, I had grown too many brain cells this offseason so it’s a good thing football talking guys are back in action
Forget it, Herodotus, its Herbstreit.
They should switch to CFL rules. That way second down is the new third down and 3rd download is the new 4th down
THIS UTAH CAMPUS, I CALL IT A BROKEN WASHING MACHINE BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A SHIT-TON OF SOAKING TONIGHT IF THEY BEAT THE GATORS!
JV Shank’lor blesses Secular Big Love!
That was like a ride.
ah hope it ain’t scare Mr. Pickle too bad
Me in Work Jail while everyone else watches JV Football (Artistic Interpretation)
Squidward, like most of DFO, wants to be isolated.
ESPN and Spectrum are apparently having a slap fight, so I can’t watch Florida Men and Team Secular Big Love.
Or Simpsons reruns on FXX
Currently looking into streaming services, because fuck this.
Can’t believe you’re not streaming yet. Fubo is your friend.
the streamer companies get into slap fights with ESPN/Fox/CBS pretty regularly, too. No bulletproof solution, so I’ve stayed with what is easiest. Fuck, I don’t want to have to get new router setup, passwords, etc. Fuck that all to fuck.
Here’s what you do:
Hulu Bundle: you get Hulu, ESPN+, and Disney+
Fubo or Sling for regular TV.
Digital antenna for local stations (free)
If you watch movies, you can get movie streaming channels.
Everything is then stream quality (even when good, not “regular TV” good) and all the associated hassles. Jumping through those hoops isn’t worth like $50/month to me, when “sports on TV” is basically my entire entertainment spectrum.
But I fear all the financial issues with ESPN is the tip of the iceberg and we are going to have more serious access issues, on all fronts.
I can stream in 4K. The quality is not bad if you have decent Internet.
It’s more about “does the picture stay steady, not wobbble or pause.” Dunno if they’ll ever be able to fix that entirely.
I honestly have not had a problem with that.
As a shareholder, I’m VERY excited about this upcoming CFB season because of the new rule changes that allow more commercials to fit into each game.
Florida’s back!
in the sense Texas and Miami have been since 2006.
It will be very funny if Da U loses to Da U(OH) tomorrow night.
Holy mother of BLEERGH, I beseech thee to permit this to happen.
Brennan Armstrong is…very unfortunate looking. Think “Young Sean Dyche”
Well done!
Older wr with lingering injury is not good.
https://theramswire.usatoday.com/2023/08/31/rams-cooper-kupp-hamstring-injury-week-1-status/
Christ and Sonny Jeebus, Wolven Sort
Clubhouse fight!
Gently-Used Fleshlights At Dawn!
Thank fuck our caring about this fixture was shame enough that we didn’t wager!
Lofty preview. GLORIOUS preview
Wake is currently beating Elon.
I too would like to beat Elon.
Hippo and Other Hippo agree – that Fansville bit has MOAR than run its course.
Was in wordpress looking at the images and saw these an was Sooooo confused as what they were for. Glad I didn’t spoil it for me self
Superb!
Brilliant!
Oh, I enjoyed this.
(drums intesify)
beau-ti-ful girl, love-ly dress!
Where she is now I can only guess.