Rudolph the Raycess Reindeer: CrimeBeat! Followup Edition

CrimeBeat!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - November 21, 2019

Whelp, the other shoe has...um...sort of dropped. While we were all distracted by Potentially P(a)edophile Princes and Tua Tagovailoa's first contract value going from $30 million to $3.5 million because Nick Saban wanted to "practice" the two-minute offense in a meaningless blowout, the wheels of Shield Justice continued to grind

CrimeBeat!: Special #Hardtime in #Hardland Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - November 15, 2019November 15, 2019

Well shit. Here I was, all proud of myself for getting The Deacon all snugged up in his pajamas and into his Baby Jail for the night without waking him up. It was the end of the third quarter and I hadn't been able to pay attention other than to

CrimeBeat!: An Existential Quandre Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - November 7, 2019November 7, 2019

It's that time again- time to examine the biggest NFL felonies (real or metaphorical) of the last couple of days weeks (gimme a break, new fatherhood is a bitch). It's CrimeBeat! and you will listen to EVERY LAST WORD I SAY! ACCUSED: Corbyn Nyemah CHARGE: Attempted Home Invasion, Property Damage, Cuckoldry Who is

CrimeBeat!: Patriots Schadenfreude Day Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 22, 2019February 22, 2019

136

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear...it's so sweet it should come with a vial of insulin...I though "ROFL" was just an expression.... Brothers and sisters, we live in an Age of Common Wonders. We can talk instantaneously to someone on the other side of the planet and we think nothing of it. We have computers

CrimeBeat!: Detroit Lions Season Preview Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 24, 2017August 24, 2017

(Puts on Vince Mancini hat, dusts off Armond White’s seminal work, “Ethnic Frisson: Pretentiously Overbearing Pontification in Mid-Pre-Post-Modern Cinematic TruthBombing”) I am continually fascinated by Detroit in the context of movies. It’s now a tired cliché of dime-store film school refugees and bored-as-shit-on-a-film-junket directors to talk about how New York City is

CrimeBeat!: Bat Country Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - April 26, 2017April 26, 2017

No time for love, Dr. Jones- let's get right down to it. BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED! PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA CHARGE: Indecent exposure With apologies to WhyEaglesWhy. Can you hear it? Can you hear the low, menacing rumble, like a thousand Peter Kings' stomaches in an Acela™ Quiet Car? That's the sound of the City of

CrimeBeat!: Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 31, 2017March 31, 2017

Good men and women of DFO, rejoice, for I have heard your cry. Deep in my Timeless Slumber, though empires and eons passed me by, I heard the wailing of my people. "When?" you cried, to each other and to the uncaring sky, beating your chests in a vain attempt to

CrimeBeat!: Gift Horse Edition Part I

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 21, 2017February 21, 2017

So, over the last year of doing this "column," I have bitched on numerous occasions in the past about how desolate and bereft of Crime News I Can Use the off-season can be. But like the Monkey's Paw or online dating, one should be wary of that for what one

CrimeBeat!: Breaking News Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 17, 2017

WE NOW INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED "HARD RIDE TO NOWHERE" TO BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL REPORT: Ladies and gentlemen, good evening. I have the solemn duty to inform you that at 4:42 p.m., DFO Substandard Time on February 16, an unscheduled Jets Schadenfreude Day was launched from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Reports are still

CrimeBeat!: Whistling Past the Graveyard Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 8, 2017February 7, 2017

/closes eyes, pinches bridge of nose, puffs out cheeks and blows out breath. Ok. Ok. You can do this, Mayhem. //opens eyes, stares at the gaunt, haunted face in the mirror. It's going to be fine. You can make lemonade. You can make a silk purse. You can be a lawyer and politics

CrimeBeat!: Giving Up the Gun Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - January 26, 2017January 26, 2017

[Note From The "Author": pursuant to a number of comments across multiple posts, CrimeBeat! will officially be a politics-free zone until things calm the fuck down. I trust that you are all (mostly) intelligent adults who understand the responsibility to keep yourselves informed and participate in the political process. I