CramBeet?: St. Swithin’s Day Massacre Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - September 1, 2016September 1, 2016

/Vault door shudders and creaks, whines and slowly withdraws, rolling to one side //A dirty, disheveled man in a torn jumpsuit peers out from the door frame, squinting against even the faint sunlight. His beard appears to be thick and bushy enough to hide Dan Snyder, but something still hints at

CrimeBeat!: Thirty Days in the Hole Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 23, 2016August 22, 2016

No time for love, Dr. Jones- let's get right down to it. BRING FORTH THE ACCUSED! PRESEASON MVPs CHARGE: Breach of promise OMG YOU GUYS DID YOU SEE DAK PRESCOTT! START HIM NOW! FUTURE EM VEE PEE! HOW BOUT THEM COWBOYS! GGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! /passes out, loses bladder control. Oh yes, boys and girls, it's that time

CrimeBeat!: Take 2 Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 16, 2016

So for the two of you who actually saw my post earlier, sorry for the headfake. I lost my grandfather last night (ironically, he had the winning square for "How Long Will He Outlive My Grandmother?") and I was getting all emo and Goth Aaron Rodgers and shit. But then I

CrimeBeat!: “In five years the Spanos family will be completely legitimate” Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 9, 2016

Whelp, that's what comes of trying to be prepared. I figured since I was supposed to have trial this week I would pre-prep some of my weekly crap on Saturday and just keep it under the warming lamps until Tuesday. I got the idea from Golden Corral. So I had

CrimeBeat!: Supplemental Edition

OH WE GON DRANK

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 2, 2016August 2, 2016

Continuing the tradition of great Crime News I Can Use breaking just after I put up my post, news out of Dallas today broke that a substance-abuse suspension was not for the substance everyone thought it was. In case you missed it, Cowboys linebacker, serial AARP member and Friend of the

CrimeBeat!: Take the Cannoli Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - August 2, 2016August 2, 2016

Well boys and girls, we made it. Training camps are all now officially "going on". Peter King is probably on some back road in Iowa between Mankato and Missouri Western State University, glorying in the soybean fields and meth shacks that he considers "Real America" and (God willing) getting crippling

CrimeBeat!: Isn’t This Where We Came In? Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 28, 2016July 28, 2016

Jeebus Cripes. As Albert Einstein (probably never) said, "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity." And somehow the last year feels like

CrimeBeat!: Better Never Than Late Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 12, 2016July 12, 2016

So yeah. In God's ongoing quest to drive me insane using ten thousand tiny frustrations, last week's best Crime News I Could Use came out an hour or so after I posted a disjointed bitchfest about how nothing good (for purposes of this column) had happened over the traditionally Target

CrimeBeat!: Anticlimax Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - July 5, 2016

Well fuckery. I mean, Fourth of July weekend is traditionally a feast for your everyday Pulp Sports Crime Writer, and not just because Uncle Rick and Aunt Rita made hot dogs AND ribs AND hot links AND italian beef AND that shitty Jello-mold thing. It's the perfect convergence of 1.

[DFO] Theogyny: The Feast of the Suspension

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 30, 2016June 30, 2016

[1] Lo, and once every summer, Venus and Jupiter and Rigel III shall come into alignment, [2] an obscure and ancient bell shall toll within in NFL Headquarters, and the Watcher of The Seals [3] shall be shuffleth out of his office with an antiquated boombox bigger than he. [D]

CrimeBeat!: “We Voted To Do What Now?” Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 28, 2016June 27, 2016

Men. MEN! In what I can only assume was a brilliant ploy to eliminate opponents of Real Football In London, Roger Goodell has successfully orchestrated the shadow campaign to make the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and That Island Filled With Sheep in the South Atlantic to exit

CrimeBeat!: Requiem for a Lightweight Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - June 21, 2016

It's 4 pm on an offseason Tuesday. Do you know where your tangentially-NFL-related crime stories are? THEY ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE! LET YOUR CELEBRATIONS AND MERRY-MAKING COMMENCE! Once again, I find myself compelled to apologize to you, gentle reader, because you come to this site for The Funny, or at least the