Hot Taek: The Detroit Lions are perhaps the most consistently DFO Team in the league. Why? Schadenfreude. They jettisoned Jim Caldwell for the sin of going 9-7 in consecutive years. At that point, they hired Matt Patricia from the Patriots. Bob Quinn had been hired from the Greatriots in 2016 and
Tag: Team Previews
Quarantine Blues: Minnesota Vikings Team Preview
banner image via {Exterior, Coach Mike Zimmer’s ranch in Northern Kentucky} Date: Mid June 2020 [Door Flies Open] Coach Zimmer: "Jesus Fuck if I have to spend another day inside this house I'm gonna lose my fucking mind!" [Coach dressed in gym shorts and t-shirt walks to his garage where his home fitness center is] CZ: "I'm
A Post-Doctoral Thesis On Economic Incentive & The Free Market – An Atlanta Falcons 2020 Preview
Fade in: The Greene Science Center at Columbia University. A slightly disheveled beverage purveyor, in newly-purchased pants, is about to address a collected panel. Beerguyrob: Esteemed professors, fellow Ph.D candidates, gathered audience members, ladies & gentlemen, and - for some reason - Arthur Laffer, Thank you for your time today. My presentation
New Orleans Saints Season Preview: A DJ TAJ Joint
There’s Safety In Safeties: Your Seattle Team Preview For 2020
I Can See Cleeeeeaarrrly Now, Tom Braaaaady’s Gone: 2020 Buffalo Bills Season Preview
[Author's Note: Despite the overwhelmingly positive response to last year's All Interpretive Dance team preview, I have decided not to go back to that well a second year in a row. Try to contain your disappointment.] So here it is. It's finally happening. Like Christmas morning, high school graduation and losing
The Burning Stream: Your 2020 Cleveland Browns Season Preview
Cleveland, Ohio is a wonderful city, bursting with many shining examples of culture, fine dining and friendly people. Every single word of that sentence is a filthy lie, except for "Cleveland," "Ohio" and "City." And frankly, "city" is being generous. I would have gone with "penal colony," except that usually requires
Pissing Up God’s Flagpole: Your 2019 Detroit Lions Preview
[Author's Note: So this is it. The End. The final preview before the NFL meat grinder spins up to turn convert the bodies of healthy(ish) young men into Entertainment. Après moi le déluge de merde. Get hype.] Wyandotte. Shit. I'm only in Wyandotte. Every time, I think I'm going to wake up back in Midtown.... Everyone
2019 Minnesota Vikings Team Preview.
Interior: Vikings draft room just prior to the 2019 NFL draft. Rick Spielman: "Alright guys. This is it. Our final draft board. Let's go over this one last time. I'm thinking interior offensive lineman first round. Our offensive line was ranked 23rd last year and we were hammered with injuries. We've
What Kind of Circus Features Kickers? Your 2019 Chicago Bears Preview
Awesome Photoshop courtesy of Low Commander of the Super Soldiers Ah, the NFL offseason, always filled with optimism, Dan Snyderschadenfraude, and this year, a veritable Who's That? of placekickers taking a ride on the Chicago Bears carousel. Do you remember how last season ended? I wonder if anyone in Chicago has? Let's take a
Tripping Over The Light Fantastic; or A Desperate Plié: Your All-Dancing 2019 Buffalo Bills Season Preview
[Author's Note: As promised/threatened, this year's Buffalo Bills Season Preview will be conducted in the medium of interpretive dance. Yes, I know it's particularly inappropriate for Buffalo, which has no cheerleaders but a thriving post-angioplasty community. Expand your minds and get some culture, you barbarian savages.] Your 2018 Buffalo Bills: 6-10,
