Tonight’s Episode:
“God. Bless. America.”
It was the morning of July 3rd, 2017. It would be a momentous day, though no one would likely ever know.
Yeah Right has just swiped his key card, entered his password, scanned his fingerprints and retina, and has finally reached the final security checkpoint….
Yeah Right: I gotta find a new job.
He enters the [Redacted] Aerospace [Redacted] facility located in [Redacted] California. He immediately sees that he’s the only one there. This is not good…not today.
Yeah Right checks his voice mail, and begins listening to one excuse after another of why his underlings won’t be at work today.
“I’ve got the flu. It’s totally not because I’m still drunk from the weekend and tomorrow is the 4th”
“My kid had a firework emergency….Walmart put fireworks on sale and we have to get some before they run out”
“Fuck you…I hate my job“
That last one was left, verbatim, by six different people.
Yeah Right: Shit, now what am I gonna do? We’ve got this [Redacted] contract up for approval today. I’m fucked. Meh, might as well go on [DFO] and bitch about it. That can’t make it any worse, right?
Yeah Right clickety clacks his phone a few times, then begins typing….then hits “Post Comment”…
Yeah Right: Shit, I guess it is just me. This sucks.
MEANWHILE….Somewhere in Southern California, a phone rings….
ballsofsteelandfury reaches across the two hookers (sorry, sorry…at this point they’re still “call girls”) and over to the nightstand where his phones are. He picks one up…
balls: Hello? Who the fuck is this?
There is no response. And the OTHER phone continues to ring.
balls: Motherf…..!!!!!
balls reaches across the two hookers (sorry!!!!) again, and this time grabs the OTHER phone.
balls: This better be good motherf…..do you know what time it is here?
tWBS: Who are you, Nino Brown? It’s morning fucker, it’s time to get up. I don’t care if you don’t gotta work today. Something just came up. We’ve got a code 342 in progress.
balls: Wow. Yeah Right got stuck at work by himself and we’re gonna fuck with him?
tWBS: Yes. Now aren’t you glad we installed that code system to save time like I said? Though at this point, I guess talking about the code system probably took up more time. Shit. Anyway, make the necessary calls on your end. I’ll transmit acct information in t minus 3….2…..1….
balls: OK, it’s here. Got it.
tWBS: And balls, this one is big (hehe)….no mistakes. Oh, and call LCSS and RTD. They both like weird shit.
balls: Will do.
–
A couple of hours later, Yeah Right sits in his office. He’s torn between wanting to fire everyone who works below him, and worrying over whether he himself might be fired when his superiors arrive and….
KNOCK KNOCK
Yeah Right (sighing and opening the door): Oh, shit. Here we go I guess.
[Door Flies Open]
Pretty Girl (storming in without asking): You call for Asian massage. Now I am here, I love you long time.
Yeah Right: No, wait. What? You can’t be here. How did you even get in?
Pretty Girl: You are friends….Low Commander, Balls of Steel, Rikki Tikki…Deadly? And….Thee…. What is….Seeee Muss?
Yeah right: What? THEY did this? But still, how did you even get in? You can’t be here right now because….
KNOCK KNOCK
Yeah Right (sighing): Yeah…pretty much because that. I’m fucked.
Pretty Girl: You want fuck now?
Yeah Right: Noooooo!!!! Well, maybe. Just hang out for a bit. But ummmm….here, get under the desk here. And don’t talk.
KNOCK KNOCK…MORE IMPATIENT THIS TIME!!!!!
[Door Flies Open….Again]
General: Have a seat son.
Yeah Right sits down behind his desk.
General: Seems we’ve got some business, you and me. Me personally, I hate business. But still, it’s my job. So tell me son, why should I give this contract to your people.
Yeah Right: Why wouldn’t you, General?
General: How’s that, now?
Yeah Right (gaining confidence): I’m not in your chain of command, General. I understand it. I respect it. But understand that, you’re going to give us this contract….and you ARE going to give it to us, btw….because we deliver. On time, under budget. Every time.
Yeah Right’s confidence seemed to boil over just a bit at this point, and his blood flow became….diverted. His pants began to tighten. HE GOT A BONER, FFS!!!!! It did not go unnoticed.
Pretty Girl Under Desk (Beginning to massage Yeah Right’s throbbing erection): Oh My!!
Yeah Right: Oh My….
General: Oh My, well that is some primo confidence there my friend. I like it. I really like it.
Pretty Girl Under Desk (unzipping Yeah Right’s pants and beginning fellatio): Oh Sir, I like it!!
Yeah Right: I like it too, Sir…
General: You don’t have to call me “Sir”. We understand one another you and me. Just stand up and shake my hand. You know, to seal our business deal. As gentlemen.
Yeah Right: Stand Up?
Pretty Girl Under Desk: Oh yes baby, it is standing up. It is standing up real good. USA number one!!!!
General: Well of course, Son. Stand up and shake my hand. Where I come from, that’s a sacred pact…chain of command or not.
Yeah Right (hoping his massive slobbery erection will be hidden behind the desk): Well, if you insist General, I suppose I have no choice.
As Yeah Right begins to stand up, Pretty Girl Under Desk’s excitement begins to peak….and the resultant increase in “suction force”….let’s say….causes some “tug”….let’s say. As a result, when Yeah Right begins to stand up, Pretty Girl Under Desk’s head kinda goes BONK on the underside of the desk. She also then might have bitten down a little bit.
As one might predict, Yeah Right’s ability to stand up any further became compromised at this point. Thusly, he leaned across the desk…bowing one might say…and extended a hand to the General.
General (shaking Yeah Right’s hand): Ah, nice with the bow, Son. Know your audience, I like it. I was stationed in Asia for four tours. How’d you know? Eh, it doesn’t matter. It’s just nice to see you got a little Asian in you.
Yeah Right (stifling a laugh): Yes Sir, General. Something like that.
General (turning to leave the room): Lieutenant!!! Where the fuck are you? Green light the contracts and send copies where they need to go. And put Mr. Right here down for a nice bonus courtesy of Uncle Sam…but not one the IRS would get nosy about.
Lieutenant: Yes Sir!
General (turning back to Yeah Right): Pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Right. You’re my kinda people.
[Door Flies Closed]
Pretty girl stands up from under the desk, and Yeah Right takes her by the hand.
Yeah Right: So how long did those assholes pay for, anyway?
Pretty Girl: Friends not pay for asshole. Asshole is extra.
Yeah Right: No, no…that’s not… How about you just finish what you were doing then let’s just go get a drink or something, OK? I’m too old for this shit.
Pretty Girl (dropping back to her knees): Oh, you finish, big boy. You finish real good.
Yeah Right: God. Bless. America.
–
The next day, Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, ballsofsteelandfury, Rikki-Tikki-Deadly and theeWeeBabySeamus sit around a dimly lit table in a basement somewhere.
They are passing around photographs taken the day prior, at some undisclosed location in Southern California.
balls: So he doesn’t even know we have these?
tWBS: Nope. Friend of mine lent me some equipment.
RTD: And you’ve just been recording the inside this whole time?
tWBS: Only for a couple of months.
LCSS: But how did you get in to plant the stuff and…..
RTD: And how the hell did you get the hooker in yesterday?
tWBS: balls?
ballsofsteelandfury picks up his phone and taps it three times. As it dials, he puts it on speaker.
Voice on Phone: Hello balls. Nice to hear from you. How did it go?
balls: Hello, Sir. We’re not sure yet. The codes you sent tWBS worked just fine. Both times. But I don’t know how much use the footage will be, Sir.
Voice on Phone: But you got the Asian girl giving your friend head though, right?
balls: Well…yes, Sir. But that’s not…
Voice on Phone: That’s fine then. Just send that file along. I’m sure Michelle and I can find something there if we watch it enough times.
Voice on Phone: Michelle sends a hearty high five, by the way. But seriously, send the Asian hooker file as soon as you can. Oh, and a pack of Newports if you’re going by the 7-Eleven.
CLICK
LCSS: Wait, so you guys got the acct info from….
balls: Yep.
RTD: But why?
tWBS: To help Yeah Right. He was about to tank that meeting. He needed to relax. Plus we really need those planes ready and in place if we’re gonna make America great again.
LCSS: Wait…what did you just say?
tWBS: Nothing.
LCSS: Who’s “We”?
RTD (handing a photo to LCSS): Yeah Right looks really relaxed in this one.
LCSS: Oh damn you!!!!!!!!
tWBS: Hey, you got any more of that weed?
balls: God. Bless. America.
Happy Independence Day, Everybody!!!!
(Yeah Right…. go wash your hands)
–
Oh, new country with glaringly obvious autotune? Yeah, that’s good ‘Murican music.
http://i.imgur.com/oZccT1V.gif
If you don’t like the smell of cordite of gunpowder.
All these shots in the butt…. how about a facial.
This is the Zapruder film of watermelon slingshots.
DOGS ARE STUPID TOO
One day, the dogs learned to arm themselves.
Everything changed after that.
Check-in after arriving at brewery #2. It’s been a month since I’ve gone full on day drinking, but I do it for America, and you fine folks, of course.
This beer tastes awful, but I appreciate the buzz.
Vicodin consumed: 2
Gin and tonics drank: 2
Large amounts of London broil, corn-on-das-cob, fried zucchini, and PATROITIC brownies on the way.
Emails from students: 2
WHY ARE YOU DOING CLASSWORK TODAY YOU FREAKS GUHHHH I’VE GOT INEBRIATION AND EXPLOSIVES TO GET TO
I’ve never done a london broil.
Fuck.
If you insist
Golden Age of VS angels.
No Miranda, no Candace.
Your list is invalid.
They were Silver Age, along with Adriana, when shit went bonkers.
We have grill ignition.
All systems go!
Woohoo!
Beer supply? check
Dead animal remnants prepped? check
Annoying relatives went home? check…
Godspeed Mr. Right!!!!
Bear supply? I didn’t see Buddy come in.
Appetizers
Like nothing you’ve ever heard:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHAWTifNSMA
3 Trippels down and I’m buzzed and wishing I got more beer because I don’t want to go out.
8.5% will do that.
Shoulda got real booze
You know this motherfucker doesn’t even tip, and I wish it was easier for Chipotle employees to shit it his food, but it’s not and I can attest to that because I’ve actually worked at one.
https://twitter.com/jw/status/881689944451710976
I’ve been epically drunk more than a few time in my life, but never once did I desire to have my ass used as a launching pad for a bottle rocket.
They’re called “bottle” rockets for a reason you morons!
I wonder how many of these got their bunghole sealed up.
I feel bad not having called back my neighbor this morning. Now I’m getting drunkish and I don’t want to be around anyone.
This one has Wile E Coyote comedy timing
Maybe the prohibitionists were on to something.
Still need more 8.5% beer.
The magic of movies.
The pizza is good and the New Belgium Trippel is flowing.
Pretty good food beer?
Not sure. I’m drinking it after I finish my slice. It wasn’t at first, but it’s getting there.
Holiday and all; work tomorrow is clouding my mind. WCS is right.
One of the few advantages of working evenings.
Very proud of myself for not blowing through my entire supply of Vicodin to have the last few to celebrate MURICKA DAY in true Hippo style.
Gin and tonics, and opiates for all!
Hendricks Gin = best
The walk is completed and it’s almost grill time.
The beach parking was completely sold out. There was a big ass sign saying “lot full” with arrows telling you to turn left. The line of cars was easily 2 miles long. Some of these geniuses who had to turn left instead of going straight into the parking lot turned left, drive about a quarter mile made a u-turn and tried to turn left into the lot that they couldn’t drive straight into.
As if the lot would be less full coming in from a different direction.
Jesus wept.
I’m not even turning in the direction of the island today, bunch of tourists and amateur drunks. Too hot for that shit anyway, I’ll just stay home and chase kids outta my yard.
On weekends and holidays I stay off the beach itself and walk on the East side of Vista Del Mar, the road that runs right by the beach between El Segundo and Manhattan Beach. There’s a sidewalk and I don’t have to fuck with the tourists.
We have a similar setup known as North Beach. It’s actually in the downtown area and located by the bay instead of the Gulf. Usually just the locals, the varmints always gravitate towards the island.
[sets up sign that reads “CHASE CHILDREN THIS WAY” with arrows pointing to his own yard]
– Brad Childress
That fucker! I need some dogshit and a paper bag….STAT!
Funny, I drove by your place at like 7 a.m. and things were practically empty.
This episode of Tina’s E.F.F. is frighteningly reminiscent of one of my youthful adventures. It was in a very nice restaurant while I was dating a very hot but slightly unstable young lady. By hot I mean way out of my league, by unstable I mean…damn she was fun, but I knew it wasn’t going to go any farther. She had one glass of wine then slipped under the table when no one was around. She was still there as I ordered our appetizers. I’m not sure if the waiter knew she was down there or not, but fortunately I was still sober and maintained composure. It wasn’t easy as she was very good at what she was doing.
I know, cool story bro, but his one genuinely happened. I’m sure I’m not the only one here with similar indiscretions. Don’t get me started on what happened later in the elevator, I still can’t believe I’ve never been arrested.
Had an old girlfriend who enjoyed “road trips.”
Not sure how I didn’t wreck the car multiple times.
Oh yes, that’s always fun! I got lots of honks from truckers back then!
Wait, why does that sound like phrasing?
Note to self: Don’t say “Well we’re not gonna have sex in the car” to the next girl. Or at least specify you mean that night because you don’t want to get your tux dirty, lest you create a precedent.
(I await your mocking comments.)
It’s called dry cleaning. Who gives a shit about a dirty tux?!?
I’m glad she helped you with your taxes.
Now I know why I never got a refund.
I love elevators. The only problem is finding one without cameras.
Yes, I’m aware Ray Rice could have written this comment.
That’s why it’s always good to keep a small square of duct tape in your pocket for just such an occasion.
Wow, I think I need help…
Local news reports that the road to the beach currently resembles a parking lot and the rip currents are at full steam.
Time for nature to thin the herd.
“Resembles”!?!? Biased news!
Automotive profiling!!!!
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/florida-city-to-rename-streets-honoring-confederate-generals/ar-BBDKIVE?OCID=ansmsnnews11
FLORIDA! ‘MERCA!!
Stop with the negative vibes, man.
Ah, good old Participation Trophy City, U.S.A.
Is this going to be the new city flag?
Nice.
I love watching the Tour De France. For the scenery and the “scenery”
I’m saluting, in my own way.
So it is noon Mountain time, shouldn’t those of you in the east be fairly inebriated by now?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERm_WNxGs1U
Don’t you mean the Twenty-first Amendment (Amendment XXI)?
Fun fact. The 21st didn’t entirely repeal Prohibition–it just repealed it at the federal level. Section 2 expressly permits states and localities to enact their own laws up to and including total prohibition. And some still do, de facto if not de jure.
There Will Be Blood is far superior to No Country For Old Men.
I agree except for the “far” part.
I’ll take it
They are two completely different films.
What Moose said. I like them both. Like both directors, like the choices of actors in both.
Yeah. Both.
Just for those two alone 2007 was a good year for film.
THE WAR CONTINUES:
http://www.flickchart.com/discussion/626CC58390/vs/7328EF1AD6
Top 10 grossing are….. popular.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2007_in_film
I like most of the first Transformers movie.
Me too, most of it.
Oh, for her to be forever 18.
Pretty good nudity that year too.
FUN FACT: “No Country For Old Men” was shooting out in the middle of nowhere in West Texas when they had to stop filming because there was a huge plume of thick black smoke rising up from over the other side of a mountain ridge. Unbeknownst to them, there was ANOTHER feature film being shot not far from their location. It was the oil derrick explosion scene for “There Will Be Blood.”
THEY WERE FIGHTING FROM THE VERY BEGINNING!!
It was eastern New Mexico (AKA west Texas). I am familiar with that area. It is more barren than the moon.
I have driven through that area. It is crazy to me that people live there.
$$$$ or antisocial personality disorder
OIL OIL OIL and more OIL
Exactly.
Nowhere West Texas is akin to saying Watery Lake.
Time to stretch the hamstrings and do my patriotic walk along the beach. It’s 67 and sunny. God bless America indeed!
Pro Tip: Women’s Lacrosse is fun to watch (aside from maybe the goalies) and is currently airing on ESPNU.
Odd, I always though leather pants were warmer than that.
Einstein knew that World War IV would be fought with sticks and stones, but he couldn’t have guessed WWIII would be fought with sexy videos.
It’s kind of funny, cause with not all that generous of an interpretation you could claim that WWIII actually is being fought with “words” what with the cyber and all.
Sounds like he needs to wash more than his hands
Just to clarify, asshole is included in the base price.
Sweet! Usually anal is extra.
Acid flashbacks are great eh?
I wouldn’t let her in unless she was properly badged.
She’s got that covered.
Also…
http://i.onionstatic.com/avclub/4039/78/16×9/700.jpg
THIS RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY’S SURF SESSION I CALL IT TOM BRADY’S FAVORITE FOOTBALL CAUSE IT STARTED OUT FLAT AND THEN GOT EVEN FLATTER.
AND IT INEVITABLY ENDS WITH A NEEDLE IN HIS ASS.
A needle? No, we’ve been sizing up for weeks now. Right now I’m at “Favre” and should be up to “Shiancoe” by August.
You don’t have the Surfline app?
I didn’t want to look up conditions in advance because then I might back out.
Buttons on the collar of casual shirt?! UNPRESIDENTIAL!
Figures.
Fingers crossed that the beaches and freeways aren’t too busy yet – I’m goin’ surfing.