There’s much talk of drinkling and fooding in the early thread so I know that everyone is doing it right proper today. The forty-five minutes I spent on the elliptical (god, I hate that motherfucker) won’t even begin to justify the calories that I’ll be absorbing through the day but we all like to pretend, right? And this tilt-doing the research for the intro it’s remarkable how well coached these teams are, the disparate weapons each squadoo has, the game-planning that’s been done to get here… Everything about these two teams is so impressive. So, as Guga Foods would say, Let’s Do It!
TO THE GAME!
Niners/Chiefs:
-Everywhere you look it’s strength against strength against strength. The Chiefs started the season looking like last season’s Shoot ’em up squad that had to out-score everyone and yes, they have some of those same attributes but now they can actually stop people-namely, outside receivers.
-San Fran’s stifling D plays zone coverage the second-most of all teams. Wanna guess which football tosser had the highest QBR rating against zone coverage? Yeah, that Mahomes kid.
-San Fran has only trailed by more than 7 points just once all season long. But Andy Reid’s record after getting a bye in regular and postseason is a gaudy 23-5.
-In bottling up receivers the Chiefs D has allowed the 3rd-most catches to the tight end position. Kittles has been vewy, vewy qwiet the past two weeks but he may have to be the gamebreaker today if San Fran has to match scores. He’ll most likely be defended off and on by Honey Badger who has been very effective in a ‘roaming’ role this season.
-It certainly seems as though the Niners own the best d-line in the biz and the numbers back them up. When Armstead, Ford, Bosa and Buckner are on the field at the same time they get a pressure rate (just think of a fast-collapsing pocket) of 44%. On third and fourth down that rate rises to a ridiculous 57%.
-So Mahomes under pressure-I wonder how his numbers look when he has to throw in 2.5 seconds or less. [shuffles through notes] Ah, here it is-he’s 218 for 300 on his completions (72%) with 16 TD’s and no intercepts. Jesus Christ.
-I took a look at prop bets and the one that makes me curious is Mahomes running yardage at 24.5 or 30.5, depending where you look. He’s run for 53 in each game, you know there’ll be at least one designed run for him, you know he’ll get flushed out of the pocket a few times and you know he’s going to take off if there’s a long ball play and Hill is covered and the open middle of the field beckons. Am I missing something here?
-Prediction Time: I don’t think this game will get away from the Niners. I do want Reid to get a ring and not be saddled with the ‘couldn’t get it done in the big game’ albatross. I am all for Mahomes getting a Super Bowl under his belt on his way to eclipsing Brady as the best QB of all time over the next 15-18 years. Let’s do 31-28 Chiefs.
How about you? Where’d you put the moneys? Who was the first to bring up politics out of context? Who’s the sloppy drunk in your gang? You didn’t burn the nachos did you? Fill some space down below.
Never doubt Kermit to just pull magic out of his ass.
Proctor and Gamble — we’re the name brand you won’t pony up 8 more cents for.
I need that eight cents to feed my sweatshop for the week
Fucking a, mahomes
Rob Riggle should be beaten about the head and neck with a baseball bat.
Missed opportunity for a trump throwing paper towels and being a dickfor
Typical Americans, spewing Russian propaganda on the Senate floor.
Not digging these crossover ads
It’s pretty funny that the Niners are afraid of illegally hitting Tyreek Hill, since he has no problems hitting a three year-old boy.
Free Hugs Project? SHIT, am I gonna have to purchase a “Please Don’t Touch Me” shirt?
Wearing spikes works too
You could also do away with the daily showering/deodorizing.
THAT PASS, I CALL IT TYREEK HILL’S FAMILY, BECAUSE IT WAS TRAPPED BETWEEN SUCCESS AND A VICIOUS ASSHOLE!!!
“It’s a beyond reasonable doubt standard, right?”
— Ty Hill
Add footballs to the list of things Tyreek likes to trap and corral.
I’ve got money on the line here, uphold the catch
The Niners went from shit to stacked pretty quickly. Just goes to show that the teams that consistently fail really do have something wrong on the ownership/culture level
Plus their owner is Jed York.
That is a STRONG organization.
“What are you talking about?”
–The City of Cleveland
Soup or Bowl would be a great SF-based food and pot chain.
That better not be an exclusive or!
⊕
Tyreek is playing like a little boy who’s been beaten
You have Adrian Peterson’s attention.
“Speaking of Hurry Up, is it time to start the Freedom Ovens finally?”
– Stephen Miller, Republican Moral Compass
The Chiefs are Tank7ng.
Plus a boulevard
Is Mahomes trying to get Hill killed?
I like his style.
Oh, if that hit is on Tom Brady that’s 15 yards and a 1st down.
The homeless will be shitting in doorways throughout San Francisco tonight*!
*nothing celebratory, just another night in San Francisco
It’s gonna be a party. People are going to be a trying to step on those needles littering the sidewalks.
I mean, I am shooting ketamine right now, so….
I would pay good money to see that.
I hate you for your correctness
San Francisco: The boulders will continue until housing status improves
Fucking NIMBY bastards are the root of the problem
Joe Buck the police.
Sting doesnt deserve it
These 49ers, I call them the best SF team of all time because I’m sports Media guy and I need clicks.
Because the good Warriors teams were in Oakland!
San Francisco would be first unicorn success in a year
Has Andy Reid come back from eating all the Cuban food yet so he can coach this fucking game?
Fox Thursday, it’s The Masked Mass Murderer! Spoiler Alert: the panda is Kissinger
I have to believe that his staying alive while visibly rotting away is proof of some cosmic justice.
He was investing in Theranos for the fresh vials of blood
“There’s only one guy I know who can issue Napalm strikes with such finesse.”
-Robin Thicke
There’s a god damn lego building show now?
Oh, like you’re too good to watch it, Mr. High Society?
You’re too busy being on fire to count
Wow, someone blew Jenny McCarthy’s mind? Talk about bringing a pop gun to a pillow fight.
or even a mild bacterial infection!
Lining up to be sub-4 hours? Impossibru!
Hell, could be sub-3 1/2
I might not have to buy more wifi!
Your time is now Mahomes. Do not listen to Reid just call your own plays
This game needs a comeback more than pornhub does
I mean… Are we after or before 2:30? Like I am the only one who finishes early. You finish early!
There were like two penalties on that play but who gives a shit.
Do it for Otto Man you sweet bbq bastards
I already said that and Mahomes promptly hit a 49er between the numbers.
I don’t want to live in a world with a literal clown as president and Janeane Garofolo as a Super Bowl winning quarterback
I’d take Janeane as SB MVP for the next 20 years if Trump stopped being president tomorrow and forever.
Maybe now her performance in Cop Land will actually be appreciated.
She was in that?
Oh yeah.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USRvWkwh9e8
I wonder if they’ll put congratulatory messages on all the Bay Area highway notice boards?
We have an Amber alert and….oh wait this just in….NINERS RULE!!!!
Fuck those kids.
That’s almost exactly how I imagine it happening
“How can Nervous Nancy’s district do this to THE AMERICAN HEARTLAND?!”
I haven’t seen some Chiefs get this badly beat since the Seminole war.
Who can forget that time when Clark Gable slapped Katherine Hepburn and called her a Jacquiski Tart.
GOOD JERB, our beloved ladyfolk Commentist Party members/Tomsulas fans. Y’all really did it!!
Marino v Montana all over again. Marino was the bigger star at games start.
Janeane nearing 10 YPA, she’s been REALLY good
AEW failing to endlessly tweet Pentagon Jr. doing the hand gesture every time Kittle comes up is why they’ll never overtake WWE
Football releases endorphins in your brain. Also, it bruises your brain.
Those bruises build character.
Hill was distracted on that play by a kid in the stands with two functioning arms.
Hey oh!!!!
I’ll watch some XFL. No SF Demons team this time around, though.
Disney+ messed up by not having a new series ready after the Mando wrapped up.
Bad things happen when Hill gets his hands on something.
Banner
/like the 7th time tonight
Hey, I guess Lamar! gets the MVP afterall.
Bow down to the King, motherfuckers.
That is the orangest beer I’ve seen!
It’s goddamn delicious too.
8.2%
Right? That’s the first beer I’ve ever wanted to peel.
did they age it in barrels of molted presidential skin?
Do I come to your house and ruin your favorite things? No, no I do not.
WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD
Orgasms are a thing, just saying.
/Not that I know anything about that
Keep the Chinaman in his bubble suit.
“Chinaman” is not the preferred nomenclature, dude.
“I think it’s sla…”
Bill Parcells, just before “technical difficulties” cut his mic.
Ungood
We make light of a lot of stuff here. It’s what we do. But something we try to avoid are slurs, racial or otherwise, that are obviously historically hurtful.
Let’s try to not do that in the future please.
You hate to see something like that happen to Tyreek Hill’s arm.
I mean,he has so much practice in the off-season