There’s much talk of drinkling and fooding in the early thread so I know that everyone is doing it right proper today. The forty-five minutes I spent on the elliptical (god, I hate that motherfucker) won’t even begin to justify the calories that I’ll be absorbing through the day but we all like to pretend, right? And this tilt-doing the research for the intro it’s remarkable how well coached these teams are, the disparate weapons each squadoo has, the game-planning that’s been done to get here… Everything about these two teams is so impressive. So, as Guga Foods would say, Let’s Do It!
TO THE GAME!
Niners/Chiefs:
-Everywhere you look it’s strength against strength against strength. The Chiefs started the season looking like last season’s Shoot ’em up squad that had to out-score everyone and yes, they have some of those same attributes but now they can actually stop people-namely, outside receivers.
-San Fran’s stifling D plays zone coverage the second-most of all teams. Wanna guess which football tosser had the highest QBR rating against zone coverage? Yeah, that Mahomes kid.
-San Fran has only trailed by more than 7 points just once all season long. But Andy Reid’s record after getting a bye in regular and postseason is a gaudy 23-5.
-In bottling up receivers the Chiefs D has allowed the 3rd-most catches to the tight end position. Kittles has been vewy, vewy qwiet the past two weeks but he may have to be the gamebreaker today if San Fran has to match scores. He’ll most likely be defended off and on by Honey Badger who has been very effective in a ‘roaming’ role this season.
-It certainly seems as though the Niners own the best d-line in the biz and the numbers back them up. When Armstead, Ford, Bosa and Buckner are on the field at the same time they get a pressure rate (just think of a fast-collapsing pocket) of 44%. On third and fourth down that rate rises to a ridiculous 57%.
-So Mahomes under pressure-I wonder how his numbers look when he has to throw in 2.5 seconds or less. [shuffles through notes] Ah, here it is-he’s 218 for 300 on his completions (72%) with 16 TD’s and no intercepts. Jesus Christ.
-I took a look at prop bets and the one that makes me curious is Mahomes running yardage at 24.5 or 30.5, depending where you look. He’s run for 53 in each game, you know there’ll be at least one designed run for him, you know he’ll get flushed out of the pocket a few times and you know he’s going to take off if there’s a long ball play and Hill is covered and the open middle of the field beckons. Am I missing something here?
-Prediction Time: I don’t think this game will get away from the Niners. I do want Reid to get a ring and not be saddled with the ‘couldn’t get it done in the big game’ albatross. I am all for Mahomes getting a Super Bowl under his belt on his way to eclipsing Brady as the best QB of all time over the next 15-18 years. Let’s do 31-28 Chiefs.
How about you? Where’d you put the moneys? Who was the first to bring up politics out of context? Who’s the sloppy drunk in your gang? You didn’t burn the nachos did you? Fill some space down below.
Mahomes just enough better than McNabb to make Reid a non-factor
Delicious
Burned Sherman. Atlanta reversal
Hey look, Patrick remembered he’s good!
SAMMY GODDAMN WATKINS!!!!
John Lynch in the Arthur Blank dancing role.
Hey, Kelce just fell down instead of running three yards backwards.
It’s just like when he passed 4th grade on the third try!
Shanahan choking like he’s been invited to be in a kink.com video.
28-3.
Oh that is deliciously dark.
I CAN HAZ OVERTIME?
You can just ride Kelce to a ring, Andy
It occurs to me that some of you youngins might be unfamiliar with Joe Montana’s best work:
https://vimeo.com/119808091?ref
I was about to say “Oh god it’s the Sketchers commercial.” It’s wasn’t!
Who’s SF’s QB2?
I was incorrect. Well this could be interesting then.
The Chiefs are going to run two plays and punt on this drive, when Reid gets confused between his game chart and his takeout menu.
STRAP IN ERRYBODY IT’S ANDY REID CLOCK MANAGEMENT TIME
i haven’t seen a Niemann cover a gap that well since their last lingerie sale.
Don’t worry Chiefs fans, Andy Reid is a master of clock management.
Niners really fucking this up, huh?
Andy has plenty of time to one up Baby Shanny.
28-3, all I’m gonna say.
Miami SWAT
This is the part where the Chefs don’t see the ball again?
Is what I expected.
Um. no.
Five yards and a cloud of dust.
Real stakes for this game would’ve been to determine who’s the true home of Joe Montana
The important thing is that everyone can go upstairs and masturbate
I can’t manage stairs yet. Can I stay on the ground floor.
It wouldn’t be the Super Bowl if we weren’t unveiling a weird shitty truck.
You mean the electric blowjob?
There’s Bill Murray! I feek better now
Or do I?
I smiled.
It’s the marijuana
I have one friend who predicted it would come down to a FG, they may be correct
Santa Clara still got dis.
OK, Bill Murray.
“These guys have been learning from women their whole lives….because they don’t have fathers.”
-Jerry Jones
yes, my biggest hell-bound laugh of the night
That can’t possibly be true
Sorry, but I gotta….
I think someone’s Lady Boner just lost a bit of pressure.
Yes, I’m funny.
THIS KATIE SOWERS I CALL HER A ROLE MODEL, BECAUSE SHE IS BREAKING BOUNDARIES AND GOOD FOR HER, I HAVE NO JOKE HERE!!!
I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY CALL HER KATIE SOWERS JON BECAUSE HER SUCCESS IS SWEET
Go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.
Women can benefit from nepotism just as much as men, see?
Now we got a game.
Lady boner for Powers so hard
Got to make the game last longer, there are still unaired ads!
Lots of maga chuds realizing there’s a lesbian coaching the Niners and getting super mad right now
Bosa vs. lesbian coach. Which one supercedes the other?
The stout defensive performance had me thinking of Ray Lewis’ performance in Miami, Praise Jesus.
THAT PASS INTERFERENCE CALL, I CALL IT TARP, BECAUSE IT WAS A MASSIVE BAIL OUT THAT ISN’T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING!!!
/seriously, someone take my keyboard away
ALSO BOTH ARE GEORGE W BUSH’S FAULT
Keeeeep goooooing
The OSZ endorsement is like Lee Atwater telling you to keep making political ads
That hurt, sir. That hurt.
I didn’t know Wilders’ was my edging coach
Kelce took that knee to the chest like it was Tyreek Hill’s fist.
Outstanding. Just like Hill’s kid, in the cold, after spilling milk.
NOW RIGHT BACK TO KELCE YOU BITCH
This game is finally getting better.
Moore going for the pás de deux there.
Reenacting dirty dancing is not how you cover a tight end
It could be?
BLEERGH SHALL PROVIDE
Bailout BLEERGH!!
Massive bailout
You know the officials got a “we need ratings for the 4th quarter ads” text just before this drive.
THIS NINERS DEFENSE I CALL THEM ME IN COLLEGE BECAUSE THEY COMPLETELY FUCKED UP IN THE CLUTCH THERE
Michelob Ultra – Drink Responsibly
You’d have to drink enough Michelob Ultra to float a battleship to get a buzz from that shit.
THIS BREAK FOR TYREEK HILL I CALL IT HIS SON, BECAUSE HE NEEDS A BREAK AFTER TAKING A SHOT TO THE CHEST!!
/also, fuck Tyreek Hill
Hill absolutely thought about a lateral to Watkins there.